TheRussianBadger absolutely obliterates the Caribou with an AC-130

by Stalin with Da Spoon

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Adventure, Violence, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Death, Human, Anthro, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 1916

After previously helping trash King Sombra, Badger discovers Fall of Equestria exists. Of course, he reacts the only way he knows how. With extreme violence and use of high-grade military hardware.

After Badgers last adventure with his friends in Equestria, helping to beat Sombras ass to a pulp and overthrow his empire, he discovers the Fall of Equestria series exists, including all of it's degenerate lore and weird ass fetish shit. Badger is obviously, just like every other sane individual that read this god forsaken series of cringe fanfics, quite pissed off. As such, he reacts the only way he knows how. By getting his friends together, hopping in an inter-dimensional travelling AC-130, and sending a 105mm shell up Danin's ass, while their Arma expert friends send in the Helldivers and Space Marines to kick ass and chew bubblegum. Due to supply issues they are all out of gum.

[If it wasn't obvious, this is very much an april fools shitpost. Expect somewhat low effort.]

Published 2023-04-01 18:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-01 18:50:00 UTC

Alls Fair in Love and War. Except bad endings, fuck bad endings, all my homies hate bad endings.

It had been quite a busy week for Badger. Just yesterday he had returned from Equestria after Celestia finally figured out how to send him and his friends back, having taken part in helping Rimmy, Rubixraptor, and Sovietwomble bomb the shit out of Sombra and make him regret ever winning and getting his shitty bad ending.

Badger had already spent all the gold he had earned to upgrade his computer set-up, buying a new microphone and graphics card before enlisting Twilight's aid by using her magic to supercharge his computer's central processor, as it now managed to outpace even the worlds greatest super computers, it's computing strength being on par with the brain of an asian old man. Now his editing was on par with the madman himself Maxor, and he could feel himself getting a brain aneursum even now as he was making his new video.

However, Badger ceased his work as the familiar tune of an incoming call invite on Discord was heard, tabbing out of his editor into Discord to see that he was being called by Heavenly, invited to join a chat in the server he and his friends were part of, officially labeled 'CTE'.

Clicking on the green Join Call button, Grouse was the first to speak up.

"Alright Heavenly, you mind telling us why you called at five a'clock in the fucking morning?" Then Bing spoke up, though his shitty mic made him almost incomprehensible, as Skulker tried to make sense of it.

"Bing what the fuck are you saying?"

"My mic broke, it still shit even after i bought a new one. Equestrians didn't pay us enough I tell ya what."

"Speak for yourself Bing, I got a souped up computer now, I can make my videos twice as fast."

"Still won't fix your wack ass upload schedule."

"Bruh." While some of the boys in the call chuckled, Clu spoke up.

"Heavenly, get to the point of why you called us, I got tanks to grind in War Thunder."

"Alright alright, calm your asses down. Listen up, you know how we spent about a week in pony world about blowing Sombra's ass up? Well while Celestia was figuring out how to send us back, I decided to look up some my little pony fanfiction. Some of it was pretty good, some was pretty cringe, and some fics even featured us!"

"Wait, on god?"

"On god, pasta."

"Damn, I wish I had gone with you guys."

"It's fine Digi, you can go with us on our next crusade, cause during my search through Fimfiction I found somethin' absolutely DOGSHIT. Imma post it in the chat." A link to a fanfic was posted in the servers main chat, the title of the fic reading 'Fall of Equestria'.

"Alright, let's see what all the fuss is about."

"... WHAT IN GODS NAME DID I JUST READ?"

"This shits more fucked up than Metamorphosis..."

"Just... Why? Why would someone make this? WHY-"

"I NEED TO BLEACH MY EYES!"

"Badger, we gotta undo this shit."

"Agreed. Digi, get the AC-130 ready for flight. Pasta, get Badda and Jello. Grouse, call up our buds in the Cadian XXth, Ignis Corp, and ZF."

"Yes sir!"

King Danin sat on his throne, in his cringe lazy layabout pose as usual, when a messenger burst through the doors.

"Your majesty, a message!"

"From whom?"

"Unknown." The messenger said as he handed the letter to the king, who proceeded to open it and read it's contents.

"'Look outside your window'... What could it mean?" Danin said before turning and walking over to one of the throne rooms windows, only to be totally stunned by what he saw.

The sun was blotted and the sky almost turned totally dark, as several massive warships tore through blue rifts in the sky, before unleashing a bombardment of artillery upon Canterlot while hundreds of drop pods descended towards the earth, crashing down as soldiers clad in armor and jumps packs with white skulls painted on their chestplates and pauldrons gunned down Caribou soldiers with ease. Massive war machines like mechs and battle tanks descended onto the battlefield, emerging out of crates dropped from the sky. Space marines clad in thick armor screamed while slicing through caribou with their chainsaw swords and blowing their heads off with bolters, all the while guardsmen charged forward firing their las guns and disintergrating the caribou defenses.

And as expected from ZF, there was a huge fuck off battleship moving along the ground, propelled this time by massive jet engines mounted on the back end, firing a barrage of it's cannons right into the heart of enemy lines, followed by a missile swarm. There were also a few battle droids among the army with Major-5264 leading the charge, as well as germans being led by Colonel Von Krieger. Then there was Shockwave, leading a direct assault with his combaticons as he yeeted a caribou into the sun.

Danin was practically shitting his pants in terror, until he looked up to see the shadowy form of an AC-130 flying through the air, appearing like an angel of death and vengeance before a hail of 25mm gatling bullets rained down on Danin, barely managing to escape the throne room as it collapsed behind him.

The inside of the AC-130J Ghostrider was loud and quite busy as Badgers friends were seen manning their stations, with Skulker operating the communications radio, Mickey at the TV, Grouse loading the 105mm cannon, Pasta working the Bofors 40mm cannon, and Heavenly helping regulate the temperature of the 25mm rotary autocannon. Badda was seen loading a new Laser Tracking Missile, firing it off as it hit a very unlucky building full of Caribou. Sitting at the front in the cockpit were Digi and Bing as they were piloting the aircraft and keeping it steady enough to rain down hell on the enemy below.

At the center of all of it was Badger, standing beside Mickey looking at the TV screen. "Did we get the bastard?"

"Negative, Danin has flew the coop, he ran out of the throne room and is heading towards his chariot out of the city."

"Shit, we gotta bag this asshole. Skulker, call up Rubix and Rimmy, tell them to get their boys inside the city and start up a rebellion, break all the prisoners free and hunt down Danin."

"Copy that." Skulker said as he turned to the radio and tuned it to the main channel. "Attention all units, King Danin is attempting to flee Canterlot. Jay, we need you to move your helldivers inside the city and start up an uprising, free every prisoner you can. Rimmy, get yours guardsmen to track down Danins ass while your Space marines cover the perimeter and move inside the castle to free the princesses and the elements. Womble, keep bombing the Carbiou till they are nothing but a crater, but watch out for hitting civilians."

"Roger that! For Super Earth!"

"For the Emperor!"

"For... Uhh, what do we fight for, Cyanide?"

"Money."

"Yes, for Money!"

The streets of Canterlot became a battlefield as chopper gunners unleashed a barrage of missiles and gatling gun fire, gunning down Caribou while space marines charged forward and mowed down Caribou with their bolters. Helldivers and the Death Korps of Krieg beat Caribou to death with shovels, and some ZF soldiers kept kicking the Caribou in the balls.

A drop pod fell from the sky and it's door burst open, as Badger emerged wearing a full suit of Juggernaut armor with the timbs on and holding a minigun, laughing maniacally as he revved up the barrel before unleashing a hail of bullets.

"EXIT LIGHT!"

The main six were kicking Caribou ass in their own unique ways as they sang along.

"ENTER NIGHT!"

Then the ground soldiers as well the AC-130 crew contributed as well by speaking through the radio.

"TAKE MY HAND!"

Rubix, Rimmy, and Womble chimed in while they were busy operating a massive fucking titan.

"OFF TO NEVER NEVER LAND!"

"YEEEEEEEAH-" The enthusiastic yelling of Badger was cut off by the thunderous explosion of a 105mm round fired from the AC-130 hitting the castle, blowing open a large hole to reveal Princess Celestia and Luna, wielding heavy weapons and dressed in full battle armor with blood marines accompanying them.

"The coward has fled to the arena, we must destroy him!"

"For the emperor!"

"GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER." Badger said as he hitched a ride on the back of a Leman Russ battle tank as it charged forward into battle.

Everything had fallen down around him.

His empire, crushed in a matter of mere hours by otherworldly beings with advanced machines of war. His slaves, having their shackles broken by armor clad soldiers espousing freedom and democracy. His armies, shattered by devout and loyal servants to a dead emperor. His work, reduced to ashes by titanic forces beyond his comprehension.

Now here he lie, surrounded by all those who hated him, surrounded by those who wanted nothing more than to see him burn.

Why had this happened to him? Where had he gone so wrong?

Then he remembered... He remembered why he had become a monster.

He remembered who he lost, and simply could not grasp the fact they were gone...

"Evana?"

"Yes dear... It is time to pass on."

"But what I have done... I have sinned greatly..."

"Yes you have... But you still have a chance to atone...To become a better man... Come with me, my dear love. And together, we shall delete your cringe."

The ghostly figure extended a hand forward, as Danin took it, the both of them vanishing in a burst of white light, leaving an awestruck crowd of confused soldiers and freed slaves behind, leaving only Badger to ask a question we all would probably expect one to ask in this situation.

"The fuck just happened?"

"Aye badger, we just discovered something called Zebradom, wanna go beat their ass?"

"... Digi, get the nuke."

Stalin was seen sitting at his computer, before he turned to you. Yes you, the reader, get yo ass over here.

As you can see, this event where Danin redeems himself and Badger is left confused as fuck and ready to nuke some cuckolding zebras concludes our story... Or does it? This story may have met it's own ending, but the narrative it is based upon still continues. But you have a chance to bring it a worthy ending in your own way. So go, forge your own story, create your own ending, and let the gods know that you shall write your own fate!

Or don't and just laugh at this funny bullshit story, I don't really care. I was going to put more effort into this story and make it a true addition to the Stalin-verse, but I realized it's april fools and only absolute chads put more than some random ass shit into an april fools fic. If you wanna write your own version of this story in your own way, DO IT, there is not enough fics of Badger kicking Danin's ass, or just Danin ass kicking in general.

Anyways, I'm Stalin, and you just read a WHACK shitpost. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find out who wrote these fucking shit ass stories and beat their ass.