Lies and dishonest truths
Hi my name is Detective jakkid166. I really like to do Detective murders. Sometimes I walk to house of a pony and say “jakkid’s HOME!” and slash their door with my gun then shoot them with my gun. Sometimes I eat a poison tooth with cyanide then spit it in pony’s mouth to make them frothy and die.
I am a cereal killer. You see all of the Rice krispies gone from the store because I ate them. Also I am a serial killer. I think I have killed at least zero or maybe 69 ponies.
One day I decided to kill a pony which was Princess Sunlestia. She did not do the wrong to me but I just like to do murders and to kill ponies who did not do wrong. Murder is what Detectives do Best and it is fun!
To get to Prince Sunlestia I had to take the train from Ponyville which is where I live as a living person. “Twilight when does the train leave I have to kill Prince Sunlestia,” I said.
“The train just left jakkid you idiot,” Twilight said so I shot her with my gun and her dead boyd detective fell and her horn fell on a map and pointed me right directions.
Now I know the train would leave soon so I make an X on the map where is the train and then I have to find X. Finding x is hard sometimes like in school maths but I never really like chemistry anyway. I told Cherilee that last week, but she puts me in detention which is like jail but for if you did not do a crime. The other people and ponies in detention make a club that help me kills the cereal but i forget about that now.
Anyway now I am on the train because I got to too it just in time when it did not leave yet. I used a knife to steal a train ticket from pony because I am a scalper and also a detective. On the train I see Rarity who is go to Canterlot to visit the fashions there.
“Why are you go to Canterlot?” I ask Rarity with my knife in the air because I enjoy to show it off.
“I want to visit the fashions there,” Rarity says. “I make a lot of bits by take expensive dresses clothing from there and I sell in Ponyvile and they think I made it.”
“Wow that is good plan but is there not copyright on the dress?” I asked Rarity. “What if they sue you for a million billion dollars?”
“I didn’t think of that thing!” said Rarity. “What have I done? I am ruined?!”
“I will put you out of misery,” I said with my detective wisdom and comb passion.
So I stab my knife in my hair to pull out my comb with it and I use the comb to stab her with passion. The comb is like a hundred needles at same time because it is from the Sharper Image and they sharpened it too. Rarity got all the holes in her body and she bleed to death until she is dead.
“Copyrite is no joke,” said me, and I highfived the MPAA that was on the train too.
“Thank you for stoping the pirate,” the MPAA said. “Here is a shiny detective medal.”
“Thank you but I do not need medals. Detective jakkid166 is a loose cannon,” I said loosely.
Now the train ride was taking too long minutes so I decided I would fall asleep. I cut a throat of a pony because I am a cutthroat detective and then I use their body as pillow for my sleepy beddy time.
When I fall asleep I am in castle in Canterlot like I will be after the ride on the train. I go to the throne room to kill Celestia like in my plan but she is replaced by the night pony who is Moona.
“Hey, you are not Cholestera! Who the shit fuck even are you?” I said.
“I am Princess Luna,” she told me with a lying eyes in her face. “And you are not Detective jakkid166. You are a Faketective.”
“ROFL of course I am Detective jakkid166 it says it right there in my name like wtf even,” I said.
“You are murdering ponies and you without even having the murder mask of Detective Jakkid166 halloween special,” Luna said. “You are not Detective you are CRIME and yo uwill be arrest.”
“No detective crime murder is fun not crime,” I said. “I will come to kill Celestia now or maybe tomorrow when I am get to Canterlot if the train can do chemistry to find X.”
Then Luna took out paper and show it to me and it say a TWIST. The paper is my birth certif icate and it says I am not Detective jakkid166 I am just a FAKE. I did not believe that so I jumped on Luna and stabbed her a bunch and and then I shut her eyes with my gun so she was dead. If she died in the dream no one can hear her scream because there is no air in dreams which everybody knows that.
Then I woke up and the train was arrived and I must have done sleepwalking because I was lost in Canterlot! There were dead ponies around that I did not hear I killed because they died while I was dreaming so its realy Loona's fault if you think bout it.
But I do not worry about being lost yet. Now I was out of the dream I think about what Luna say and then was when I realized the TRUTH of what is happens to me. I am really not Detective jakkid166 at all even on my birth certif icate. I am just a fake. So that is why I was wrong about the law and also why I have a mustashe.
I will have to wait to kill Princess Sunlestia because now I gotto find why I am a fake me so I can stop the illegal crime that must be causeding it! Then only real jakkid166 will exist and will born again with more cases to solve for Justice! And also I wil stop murdering Ponies. Unless I do not because it is fun LOL!
But before I can turn around to start looking I turn around and see a red pegasus pony and she looks mad and hangry.
“You were not suppose to know you are a fake yet!” she told me. “You messed up the story!”
“What story?” I asked the strawberry version of Applejack which is what she is from her cutie mark.
“The story I is writing for your adventure of death to kill Sunlestia!” said Strawbernie Sunrise cause that her name on her birth certif icate I remember now.
“What a coincidence that is what I was doing now,” I said. “I am go to kill Sunlestia okay bye.” I could be dishonesty because I was not detective version of Applejack from my cutie mark because I don’t have one. I was really go to find why I was fake.
“Stop just let me fix this. I made a mistake in the writing,” Strawberry said.
I go to look at the paper and it is all about jakkid166 even though I did not approve the writing. “Hey don’t write my autobiographie! That is for me to make millions and be famous Detective even more famouser than I am now!” I said. “What are you doing?” I try to take quill from her but she pull it away.
“I’m using the quill of I Was Writing a Story,” Strawberry said and she was exasprated. “So what is write with it does really happen to you, okay? It make you do it. But this is not canon to I Was Writing a Story so DO NOT send hate comments ok please?”
“I don’t know what that story is.” I said. “And someone need to fix that wall.” There was been loud sound so I look at the wall on 4th Street of Canterlot and it have big crack now.
Strawberry sighed. “It is story I write in 20 nineteens. If you did not read that story all you need know is what is write with the quill does really happen to you. I write with the quill to make you go to kill Celestia because she make strawberies have too much tax and now I am hangry. But it wrote part of the story wrong so it made you find you were fake so I will fix it. And it is okay I make you do this because you did not register your copyrite!”
Suddenly I have flashback. Last week my lawyer tell me “jakkid166, you will be a famous author when you write your autobiographie. You need copyrite so someone will not add blood and honey to your story and tell lies and dishonest truths.”
“It is ILLEGAL to lie about Detectives so I do not need that,” I said to my lawyer then. I backflipped out the window of my the office and did not listen so now I am here and Strawbery is use my intellectual propertie to make a fake me which is me!
I zip my suit to unflash my back and then I open the present again and do the gasp. “You mean YOU make me kill the PONIES?” I said. “But I am a Detective, not a murder for fun and profit. And not profit anyway because jakkid166 is not a fountain hunter.”
“Of course the REAL jakkid166 would never kill the ponies or do the crime. But I can make YOU do any of the thing in the world,” Strawberry tells me and she write on her paper. “See I do it now.”
I do a chicken dance.
I give me a wedgie.
I eat a whole jar o honey.
I say the entire book of War and Pieces.
“Ha do you believe me now?” Strawberry say. She show me she used the quill to writes it.
“No I was going to do that stuf anyway,” I said.
Strawberry did a hoofpalm. “Fine. How about this?”
I look around and I don’t see anything different. And yet something feels strangely off, something that I can’t quite describe. A sense of…clarity, perhaps? Things have always seemed clear to me before, but now I’m not so sure that they have been. Even my thoughts feel much different from how they had always been in the past. This has to be some sort of trick; it couldn’t possibly be anything else, right? And yet for a moment, I fear that this may be the new normal, that things may never be the same for me from this point on. Even if I am a fake, will I ever feel like myself again? Fortunately, it doesn’t take long for the feeling to wear off.
“What had you DONE to me?!” I cried with tears of confusedion.
Strawberry did not answer but she laughed as the Mane-iac. “I will make you do even more now, too!” And she wrote with the quill on the paper and laughs some more.
All of the suddenly I kick a can even though its my FAVORITE of red bull. I said I did not like Red bull in Detective jakkid166 in everything but that story was not canon and there was not a can in it either so thats how you can tell. But wait I am a Faketective so may be it is still not canon.
“WTF i love red bull I can’t kick a can of it. Now my kick made a hole in the can and red bull is spill out on the ground!” I said. “And its not what plants crave so it might KILLS them!” I get on the ground to lick the red bull but it still doesnt give me wings so I guess that part of everything was true.
"I’m just writing a story,” Strawberry told me said with the crazy eyes of pony mad with nuclear power. “Nopony is really getting hurt. Well except for Celestia but not yet.”
“Look at all the corps around you!” said me. “There must be a thousand ponies dead that I have been killing again and again.”
“They are not real ponies jakkid they are FAKE like you because it is just a fanfiction. That is why I write about you and not kill Celestia meself. Because if you are in the story it will be a fan fiction and not canon” Strawbernie Sunrise said. “I cannot kill real Celestia because that would be crime but I can make you kill fan fiction Celestia to at least have cat heart sis.”
“But fan fiction is all my life,” I said. “Even real me is a fan fiction but he still posted tha stories about true adventures in Equestria and that PROVES fanfiction can still be true and REAL. You made me kill the real ponies.”
Strawberry suddenly get her eyes wide from shock. But then she shake her head and put quill on the paper again.
I keep talking. “This fan fiction is the fraud fiction because its by you not by the real me but it is still real for fake me and even for you. I am killing all of the ponises with my killing joke and I will kill you too. Also the fan fiction that is not this one has a Bookization Book so it is real FOREVER.”
“Oh shit” Strawberry said cause I had real time convinced her finally. “I have to stop this.”
She tried to stop but she was froze and the quill moved still BY ITSELF. “Oh shit oh fuck I am still writing I can’t see what I am writing,” Strawberry said cause she had looked up but her mouth did a quilljob by itself up and down to move the quill involuntary. The quill had a curse all along which make it bad!
I flash back again. “But it wrote part of the story wrong,” Strawberry said to me a few day ago. (It took me a long times to say the entire book of War and Pieces.) When she said that then was when I knew it was cursed because of my amazing Detective skill. It couldn’t have wrote WRONG unless it wrote by itself!
I open the present again. “You made the hole now you will be bury in it,” I said to Strawberry and she was by the hole I kicked in the Red bull can. “Time to start playing musicals guys,” I said. Then Abandoned Shovel started playing which was my band I just foundered for detective rock. We play shows at Sugartube Corner on Tubesdays and our song is Another One Bites the Dust but I can’t say it here because it is copyrite even though I am a fake from no copyright.
“NOOOO!” said Strawberry. “I am author of the story! If you kill me the fan fiction will be no longer exist and Equestrea won’t exist no more!” The quill kept writing all of what is happening without her move it at all and then what the quill wrote did for real happen.
“Good then I will have killed EVERYTHING and I will be Serial Murder Detective Supreme. You made me like this and you made me like this so you should like it too,” I said.
Strawberry looked at her paper with horror fears in her eyes and her nose. the quill must of wrote something bad because her looked was a death stare of horror now. Strawbery never expect it to turn bad and write bad for her! “Help me jakkid166 please i do not want this!” she said.
“You should of thought of that before you did the CRIME,” I said cause the quill wrote that I said that so it made me say it then. And I shot her with my gun and my band play so loud that the sound broke the wall on 4th Street and a sonic rainboom came out to knock her into the hole of the red Bull can!
Strawbury look up from inside the can then I push the dirt on top while she bleed from her hole. Her gun hole.
“Detective jakkid166 ALWAYS wins the crime,” said me, and I shit my gun to celebrate. “Hey the world didn’t e
Author's Note
With apologies to jakkid166. Happy late April Fool's Day!
(And yes, I know this isn't how copyright really works.)
Now read the REAL jakkid166 stories to learn about his true adventures of justice! (I promise those ones don't have lies and dishonest truths like this one!)
(jakkid166 gave me permission to post a story about "him." Given that plus his unique situation, I assume this doesn't break the meta rule.)
