Anon on Trial

by ImNew2023

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Cozy Glow, Raven Inkwell, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna
Length: 1310

Anon answers for his various crimes against Equestira

After years of being a chaotic beanpole Anon is taken to court to be sentenced for his various crimes.

But like always he doesn’t see anything he’s done as inherently wrong.

Warning: mention of non-consensual belly rubs and ear scratches. You have been warned.

Published 2023-04-03 08:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-03 08:30:00 UTC

Chapter 1

In the throne room of Canterlot Castle, the four alicorn princesses, Celestia, Luna, Cadance and Twilight sat on their thrones. Around them dozens of ponies had gathered for the occasion.

This meeting was to be a trial for one of Equestria’s most vile and hated villains. A being who had wronged thousands across the kingdom and beyond.

Stood in the center of the room, chained to several heavy weights to prevent him from escaping was that very monster.

“The trial of Equestria vs Anonymous shall begin. Does the defendant have an opening statement?” Celestia asked as she looked upon the human with a disappointed look.

“I didn’t do shit!” Anon yelled in defiance.

“Does the prosecution have a rebuttal?” Celestia asked.

“He’s full of it your highness and should be sent to Tartarus” Inkwell stated.

“Oh come on name one fucking thing I’ve done to earn a criminal trial” Anon argued.

“Three and a quarter million cases of public profanity”

“Victimless crime fuck bitch”

“Nineteen cases of tax evasion”

“Why do you need a national health service? You guys have magic!?”

“Sixty nine-“

“Heh heh”

“-Cases of adultery”

“Did Shining put you guys up to this? I told you I thought she was a changling”

“Seventeen noise complaints”

“Those were Pinkie parties”

“Eight hundred cases of theft”

“I paid for all of those!”

“Anon, belly rubs are not a form of currency” Celestia stated.

“I also do ear scratches”

“Moving on, ten cases of highway robbery. Seventeen cases of vigilantism, two hundred accounts of loitering, a quarter of a million bits in unpaid parking tickets and over one hundred thousand cases of sexual harassment” Inkwell finished.

A silence fell over the room, the crowd looked to each other before looking back to the princesses. Celestia first looked at Luna, then Twilight and finally Cadance. The Princess of Love having a small bump forming on her stomach. Returning her gaze to Anon, watching him try to scratch his nose on the chains covering his shoulder.

“Anon,” she said, gaining his attention. “Yes, Sun Buns?” He asked using the nickname he gave her years ago.

“These are all very serious crimes when seen individually, but collectively and in such great numbers. In memory of our past friendship I hope you have an incredible defense for your actions'' she said.

Clearing his throat Anon tried to take a step forward, being unable to due to the chains ``esteemed citizens of Equestria. It has been four years since I came to these lands, and in that time I have aided the wielders of the Elements of Harmony face down the embodiment of chaos, changelings, dark sorcerers, a magic sucking centaur, insane foals with a god complex and all other manner of magic thuggery. On a more personal note I have dedicated my time to charity and spreading the good word of friendship as many of the students of Princess Twilight’s School of Friendship can’t attest. Have I made a few mistakes maybe, have I accidentally impregnated a few hundred ponies, griffins, zebras and even a couple dragons. Sure who hasn’t in this day and age?” Anon monologued “please get to the point Anonymous, our patients are wearing thin” Luna said.

“Of course, now. Yes I have done all of those things and yes I did try and escape the guards who came to arrest me by throwing sand in their eyes. Sorry again Shining” Anon continued, looking at the scowling white unicorn, his eyes still red and itching.

“I’ve done a lot, and I’ve been accused of a lot more. Do I feel ashamed of the chaos I have left in my wake? Maybe a little. But just let it be known that I am willing to devote the rest of my life to creating more good in this world I have come to think of as home then I have bad. If only the court will find me innocent, and allow me to walk out those doors a free man” Anon finished bowing his head lightly.

“Guilty” Luna said just as Celestia went to open her mouth “dude” Anon responded feeling betrayed “Luna it isn’t our choice to make, that’s up to the jury” Celestia chided “oh thank you Jesus you beautiful carpenter” Anon sighed in relief as he looked to the jury.

“Guilty” they said in unison “oh come on what did I do to you guys?” Anon asked.

“You knocked up my wife!”

“Mine too!”

“And my mother”

“Your highness I’m fairly sure the jury is supposed to be unbiased” Anon pointed out “unfortunately the jury is made up of the ponies you’ve wronged the least Anon, I’m sorry but they have made a decision” Celestia said in a regretful tone “what if I said I was sorry?” Anon pleaded as the guards moved to drag him away.

Looking to the jury with a shimmer of hope in her eyes Celestia looked back to Anon “well?” She asked. Clearing his throat Anon looked to the jury “I am REALLY sorry” he said, attempting to copy Pinkie’s puppy dog eyes.

“Still guilty”

“You sadistic mother fuckers! All of your wives said you have smaaaaaall dicks! They are the size of walnuts but half as big!” Anon spat venomously at the crowd as he was dragged away.

-four months later-

Celestia overlooked the celebration of Cadance’s second foal being born. While Shining Armor was noticeably absent, it was understandable.

Celestia looked down at the foal giggling in her cot. Her appearance was that of a light pink skinned centaur with black fur covering her equine lower half.

Her name was Violet Heart. Cadance wouldn’t consider giving her up for adoption despite Shining’s suggestion, regardless of who her father was Cadance loved her just as much as Flurry.

“Tia are you alright?” Luna asked “oh yes, I was just thinking” Celestia said.

“About Anon?” She asked “yes, I feel guilty about how things turned out” the sun princess admitted “I’m sure Anon is fine down there Tia, by now he will have learnt the error of his ways and who knows? In another month or two perhaps he can be released and return to polite society” Luna said comforting her sister “thanks Lulu” Celestia thanked.

“We will always be here for you sister, oh and have you seen our silver spoons collection? It has been missing for several months now” Luna asked.

-in Tartarus-

In the depths of Tartarus, the most vile villains in all of Equestria sat in their cells. Tirek was sat with his head in his hands, being board out of his mind. Cozy Glow was drawing with some crayons she had been sent months back. Crysalis was assembling a hive of pebbles she pretended was her hive, the mad changling having truley lost it.

The newest prisoner, Anon. Was using his time more wisely.

Using the bars above his cell Anon did one pull up after another. His grunting echoing though the prison he now called home.

“How many am I on!?” He grunted one last time before dropping down to the floor “fifty one” Cozy said going back to her drawings of Ponyville on fire.

“Good, good” Anon said as he stretched his arms out.

“What is the point of your tedious exercise?” Tirek asked having grown irritated by Anon’s endless work out.

“Well from one I’ve gone from twink bod to god bod, and two” Anon responded reaching into his pants, pulling out a bunch of spoons decorated with a crescent moon “unlike you C listers. I’m thinking of moving out” he chuckled, slowly letting it turn into a full blown phycopath laughing.

“Hey when you get out can you send me more crayons? I’m running out of red” Cozy asked.

“Try drawing them already burnt, burnt bodies don’t bleed” Anon suggested “thanks” Cozy chirped.