A Large Ham, Am I?!

by ThePinkedWonder

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Comedy, Rarity, Starlight Glimmer, Human
Length: 2792

Eric Reed found himself in no-man's land when Rarity caught him calling her a large ham.

While hanging out with Starlight Glimmer, Eric Reed blurted out that he thought Rarity is a large ham, due to her habit of being overdramatic. As per his luck, Rarity happened to be in earshot and did not like what her human friend called her, albeit for reasons Eric didn't mean.

However, even if Eric tried explaining what he really meant by "large ham", Rarity might not take that answer well either.

This story is one of a still-growing series of stories that all take place after A Giant Adventure to Equestria. However, it is not necessary to read any of them to understand this story, but "A Giant Adventure to Equestria" does show the details of how and why the human OC Eric Reed is in Equestria even if the story isn't that great by my standards and improved writing abilities now.

If you enjoy this story and would be interested in checking out any of my other stories with Eric, you can find the list of all current ones here.

Published 2023-06-28 14:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-28 14:00:01 UTC

Morton's fork

Not bad. They weren’t the lip-smacking quesadillas Hay & Shake served, but the cheaper quesadillas of one of Ponyville’s smaller restaurants, Cool-out, weren’t too shabby. Only a few bits of cheese and crumbs were left on my plate where a couple of quesadillas once sat, before they “met” yours truly.

Seeing how Starlight, or “Starie” as I often call her, was going to town on what was left of her double daisy hayburger, she liked Cool-out’s food too. We were sitting at one of the tables outside of Cool-out, and the heat from the sun overhead felt pretty toasty on the ‘ol back and neck.

Twilight gave Starie and me the afternoon off from our guidance counselor and “non-native bridge to pony society” duties, respectively, at her school. Thanks to that surprise rise in free time and we were by ourselves, we decided to have a little one-on-one brother-sister time. Yeah, yeah, we aren’t blood siblings or even the same species, but who cares about that little technicality? Though, I wonder what my two human big sisters and dad are up to in my old world.

I pat my nice, full, and jolly stomach; Starlight did the same to hers with a big ‘ol satisfied smile. Hmm. My half-eaten apple on the table gave me an idea for some fun. I picked it up and said, “Hey, who am I: howdy, y’all. I sure love my apples, my family, and yellin’ at my friends like a mom when they act doggone foolish.”

“That’s easy: Applejack. Let me think of someone to imitate.” Starlight rolled her pupils up, which she, like most ponies, loved to do when she entered deep thought mode. “Uh…I know!” She slid the plate that once held her hayburger to the side, laid her head on the table, and let out fake snores. “Come on, Twi, ten more minutes…zzz…and by that I mean…zzz…one more hour…zzz…because I am lazy.”

“Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, but I’m not that lazy.” I sat down my apple. “Okay, for that one, I got a special pony to imitate. ‘Wake up’ and try to guess who.”

The fake sleeper raised her head off the table.

“Hi, I’m one of the strongest unicorns in Equestria, but I sometimes think up crazy plans that blow up in my face half of the time.”

“Hmm.” She squinted her eyes. “I have a hunch I know who this unicorn is, but can I have more hints?”

“I live in a big castle, like kites, and both my dragon and human little brothers are the best brothers a pony could have.”

"Uh..." She un-squinted her eyes. “I guess my hunch was wrong. You couldn’t be imitating me because my human little brother is a big pain in the flank that I’m stuck with. Hee hee.”

“Oh, you got jokes today, huh, funny mare?”

“Like you wouldn’t make a joke like that about me?” Starlight’s lips curled up into such a smug smirk.

Wow. That unicorn swatted down my argument so completely, it was kinda impressive. Couldn’t even try to raise a finger in protest. “You always know how to shut me up. It’s not just your magic I can be no match for. In fact, no jokes, real question here: how are you still not an alicorn? Seriously, you like helping others like alicorns do, your magic is on par with them, and you’re honestly ‘clutch’ when it truly matters. Why no wings yet?”

She shrugged her hooves. “Maybe it's because I’m not princess material? You forgot alicorns aren’t just nice mares who have strong magic?”

“Yeah, I guess I did. Twilight usually doesn’t feel like a ‘princess’, so the ‘alicorn = princess' bit slipped my noggin. I doubt even Flurry Heart would love having her ears scratched as much as the Princess of Ear Scratches does.”

Of all the times Twilight didn’t feel like a – as Starie once put it – "princess princess", how that adorkable mare looked when her ears were being scratched is sky-high on the anti-princess list. Twi was like a big, cute, innocent puppy that's – surprisingly – my height curled up into a ball beside me on a couch in her library. If she wasn’t flicking her tail as an “I’m still awake, don’t stop” sign, I would have thought she had actually fallen into dreamland while I was scratching her ears yesterday. Which she did do two weeks ago, leaving me to carry my favorite alicorn (she is much lighter than I originally thought she'd be) to her bedroom and tuck her into her bed. Had to look out for the other pony I see as a big sister.

“You have a point. I still can’t believe she’s got you scratching her ears a couple of times a week.” Starlight leaned her head over the table and toward me. A sly smile eeked on her lips, which I have seen a ton of times over my year and a half, give or take a couple of months, permanent “vacation” in Equestria. “Since I don’t like my ears being scratched, do you think that I feel more like a princess than she does?”

Wow. It’s weird how a single question could make Twilight feel more like Princess Celestia. The latter definitely nailed having the air and grace of a princess. Most of the time anyway.

“If you put it like that, it makes a lot more sense why you never sprouted wings. Then again, even you can feel closer to a princess than a unicorn like Rarity do.”

Her pupils shrank – another pony move that sometimes amuse me – and slapped a hoof on her chest. “What?! Me of all mares?! I might enjoy tea, but Rarity talks and carries herself in a far more princess-y way than how I talk and act.”

“Maybe, but I never think of a typical princess as the, uh, large ham type, but Rarity sure is one. She hams it up at least once every other week!”

To be fair, Princess Celestia and especially Princess Luna had their hammy moments, but they got nothing on Rarity when she served up oodles of ham! I suppose Twilight could count as a large ham too, but her freak-out moments always felt more like freak-outs than hammy.

“Ha ha ha! Hold on; you said she’s a ‘large ham’?”

“Big time! No, she’s not just a large ham, but maybe the larg–”

“I am a what?!”

Hear that? That was the sound of my stomach sinking faster than someone’s sanity that foolishly tries to follow Pinkie Pie logic. My head spun around so fast, I’m surprised it didn’t knock my hat off my head, which had designs of my friends’ Cutie Marks on them – including the Cutie Mark of the pony behind me by about fifteen or so feet: Rarity. Man, was she scowling!

Why? Why did Rarity have to show up at Cool-out at that moment?! Maybe she was on break from her classes, but she rarely ate at Cool-out! But whatever; I had to save my skin. I waved at her, but no amount of willpower could stop my hand from shaking. “Uh, hi, Rarity. You l-look cute to–”

“Eric, don't even try to patronize me right now.” Rarity stomped over to me and my chair. If those blue eyes of hers could kill…yeah. “Now, I shall ask again: I am a what?”

“Uh, large ham?”

“Yes, that. Of all the things you could have called me, you chose ‘large ham?” Veins bulged in her eyes. “I AM A LARGE HAM?! MOI?!”

I couldn’t dare flinch at Rarity’s warm but rotten breath smacking my nose after that bellow. If there was ever the time to be a smooth talker, this was definitely the time. Too bad I always sucked eggs at it for as long as I can remember when I tried it under pressure. “N-no, I didn’t call you a ham in that bad a way!”

“Yes, you called her a large ham.”

I fired a glare at Starlight. Of course she picked this time to be Ms. Technical. “Not helping.”

“And you are not helping my opinion of you!” I think Rarity somewhat, somewhat, calmed down; her eyes’ veins reined themselves in and vanished. “I mean, honestly, I’m your friend! How could you compare me to a pig of all things?!”

“Wait, ‘pig’?”

“But worse still, you called me a large pig!” She raised her head and closed her eyes in a “for your information” manner. “I have an ideal figure for a mare, and my manners are impeccable. I am anything but a pig, let alone a large pig!”

“N-n-no!” I yelled as I shook my hands side to side as their own “no”; needed all the “nos” I could summon. “When I called you…those words, it had nothing to do with pigs! The only things you have in common with them is that you are both mammals and walk on four legs.”

Good; Rarity opened her eyes, and there was no “you are already dead” death glare. She looked more like her kinder and way less murderous self again. “Hmm…okay, it appears that I misunderstood you. So, what did you mean when you said I was a large ham?”

Uh-oh. That answer could get me bodied too. Talk about no man’s land.

“I-I would explain, but I’m running late to…track down a present for Sunset’s birthday.”

Starlight asked, “But I thought her birthday isn't for another two or three months?”

“Maybe, but I want to get a head start because I, uh, want to. Bye!” I hopped off my chair and turned to take off, but my body froze and floated off the ground. Didn’t have to be a genius to piece together that it was unicorn magic paralyzing me. I was spun around to a glowering Rarity.

“Nice try, Eric, but you and I both know that I will not let you leave until you explain yourself.”

“Yeah, I doubted that would work. I even thought Sunset’s birthday was in four months.”

“Good, we are in agreement. So, be a dear and EXPLAIN YOURSELF!!”

“Okay, okay, you already made your point by grabbing me! Just let me go and I’ll fess up!”

I floated back onto the ground and my body unfroze. Glad Rarity was gentle with me, especially considering her…mood. There was no way out of this, so I sucked in a deep breath and prepared myself to face the music. “Now, humans in my old world call actors and actresses who are good at acting in overly dramatic fashion, especially if they can do it in a loud voice, large hams.”

Good. Rarity actually stopped scowling. She rubbed her head and tilted it to the side. “I think I am more confused than angry now. I’m not an actress, let alone one with a loud voice, and you couldn’t mean I naturally act like a large ham, right?”

Yep. Starlight might have well sung “dead man walking.”

“Uh…”

That scowl I grew to dread more than tests in schools – one thing I sure didn't miss from my old world – burned over Rarity’s eyes. “Eric Reed, do you think that I do behave in such a way normally?”

“You said it, not me.” I forced out the biggest “please don’t blast me” smile I could muster.

Cue Rarity gritting her teeth. Her cheeks reddened. Steam literally erupted from her ears, complete with a high-pitched teapot whispering sound. I might have considered running, but had a hunch that I would have gotten nowhere. Unicorn telekinesis and all that.

Besides, even if Rarity had let me escape, the mare knew I live in Twilight’s castle.

I started, “Uh, Rar–”

“AHHHHHHH!!”

And there it was; the eardrum-killing scream that was probably heard all the way in Canterlot. Even Starie looked worried, given that she flinched back, and I slapped my hands over my ears during the great screeching. A few nearby ponies gawked at the one-unicorn show, but kept their distance. The only possible silver lining for me was that Rarity’s horn didn’t start glowing.

“Why, I have never been so insulted, and by a friend no less!” Rarity ranted as she stomped back and forth. “I act perfectly reasonable and always speak in an acceptable voice tone, thank you very much! Fine, I will admit that I sometimes get a little carried away, such as when I screamed and cried after I thought I had lost a diamond-encrusted purple ribbon, and I even called losing it the ‘worst possible thing.’ Okay, there was also the time I cried in my room when a stallion I had a crush on formed one on Applejack instead, or…”

That fury from Rarity’s face and stomps deflated like a big balloon. “How every once in a while ponies suffered minor headaches after I had gotten upset…oh. That was why.” Rarity laid a hoof on her cheek in realization. At least I hoped it was realization. “Goodness gracious, I really do act like a ‘large ham’ sometimes, including just now. I'm even more of a drama queen than I thought.”

“And don’t forget about the time Buggie gave you a massage and you freaked him out with exotic moaning.”

I turned to Starie – and yeah, when she said “Buggie” she meant me; it’s a nickname she likes calling me. “And I wish I could forget about that and how you fell to the floor laughing over it, Laughlight.”

“Hee hee. I know it was kinda mean, but I did apologize for it.”

“Well, it isn’t a laughing matter that you aren’t wrong about me. But to be clear, who humans call large hams really has nothing to do with pigs, correct?”

“Correct, no pigs. I don’t know where that ‘large ham’ term came from anyway. If it did come from something pig-related, I swear that I didn’t know.”

“In that case, I’m sorry for unfairly berating you. I can even treat you to lunch or dinner tomorrow at ‘Hay & Shake’ as a further apology. You can order whatever you want, no matter the price.”

I didn’t have it in me to hold a grudge at Rarity or be butthurt over her “misunderstanding”, but eating for free at Hay & Shake, my favorite Ponyville restaurant?! No way could I pass up cashing in on this opportunity, or even make it better! “Well, you weren’t the best friend when you chewed me out for…that, so can it be lunch and dinner at Hay & Shake?”

“I suppose that would be fair, considering how I behaved just now. Just try not to spend all of my bits at Hay & Shake tomorrow, okay? I do have a little sister and cat to feed,” she ended with a little wink.

“Okay. I’ll order regular meals and won’t slap on much else.”

“Tee-hee, that my bits can more than manage.” Rarity walked over to Starlight, who was still sitting in her chair by our table. “So, Starlight, I take it that you knew what he meant but didn’t do anything to help him as a way to tease him, albeit out of affection?”

“Sorta, but I would have stepped in if you got too carried away. It was my first time hearing him say anything about large hams, but I was–”

“Wait a second.” That smile of Rarity’s flipped into a frown. This could get good. “If you had no way of knowing what he meant by ‘large ham’, then were you thinking it did have something to do with pigs too, and still laughed?”

“Oh, well, I thought it sounded funny–”

The scowl from before flared back over Rarity’s eyes. “So hearing me being called a large ham in a pig way is funny to you, Starlight Glimmer?! Wait, do you think I’m pig-like?!”

This wasn’t good; it was delicious! Starie frowned and she shook her head, hard. “N-no! I-I just–”

“And to think I scolded Eric when I should have been upset at you!”

The new target of Rarity’s scorn looked over at me with big, pleading eyes. “Buggie, help out your big sis here.”

“Yeah, no. Affection or not, you watched me squirm for kicks, so it’s my turn now.” I pushed myself out of my chair, then strolled over to my “big sis”, on the side of her without the angry white unicorn. I tapped into my “annoying little brother" mode and petted her head. “Tag, you’re it. If the worst happens and I can’t stop it, I call dibs on your jigsaw puzzles.”

Author's Note

Place your bets on if Starlight will get herself out of this one.:rainbowlaugh: