A Royal Water War

by Drunk Luna

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 1296

Luna and Celestia have a water war while playing with Flurry Heart. Things escalate quickly after they put the foal to bed and start drinking.

An epic water war is waged when the royal sisters babysit Flurry Heart after Twilight has to go to Ponyville, Shining Armor has been deployed, and Cadance needs a night out. After Flurry goes to sleep, Luna and Celestia resume the fight, but they decide to make it more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Things escalate quickly when Cadance and Twilight join the war.

Published 2023-04-05 18:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-05 18:20:01 UTC

Battle Royale

Princess Luna walked out into the sun-drenched courtyard of Canterlot Castle, where her older sister Celestia was playing with their two-year-old niece, Flurry Heart. The little pink filly was splashing happily in her new kiddie pool as Celestia tossed some water toys in for her to play with. Smiling, Luna knelt by the pool next to her sister. Flurry grinned up at the princess of the night.

“Look, Auntie Woowoo!” she said, splashing like crazy and dousing Luna in her face.

“I got you!” Flurry Heart squealed.

Luna chuckled and stroked the foal’s head affectionately.

“You’re so good at that!” she exclaimed, clapping her hooves and returning Flurry’s splash. “I’m all wet!”

Celestia laughed from behind her, then reached down and gave Luna her own splash in the face. Luna was stunned for a few seconds, but she quickly recovered, laughing heartily and smirking.

“Oh, Flurry Heart, did you see what Auntie Tia did to me? What do you think, small one? Should we return fire?” She picked up a plastic toy bucket and filled it with water, then looked over at Flurry, who was giggling in anticipation. Grinning, Luna drenched both her sister and great-niece. Celestia shrieked, and Flurry fell over from laughing.

“Again, again!” the filly squealed in between giggles. Luna smirked at her sister, who was glaring but clearly trying not to laugh. She threw another bucket of water onto Celestia, splashing her directly in the face. The solar diarch fell backward onto her haunches as she began to laugh.

“Oh, Luna, this has been fun, but it appears that you and Flurry have bested me,” she chuckled. “I think it’s time for this little princess to go to bed; what do you say we dry off and get her settled in?” Celestia smiled as Flurry yawned.

“Sounds like a good plan,” Luna agreed. Celestia could have sworn she saw a wicked glint in her sister’s eyes, but she shrugged it off and got on with Flurry’s bedtime routine.

After the foal was in bed and sleeping peacefully, the sisters walked downstairs to the living room. Celestia sat down on the sofa while Luna opened a bottle of Riesling and poured two glasses.

"Mmm, I haven't had a glass of wine in forever," Luna sighed as she took her glass from Celestia. "Thank you, Sister... but are you sure we should be drinking when we're foalsitting our great-niece? It seems a bit... unethical, does it not?"

"Calm your big blue tits, Luna," Celestia snorted. "It's only a glass of wine. Nothing will happen."

Two hours later:

"Sisterrrr," Luna slurred, "get your cake-filled ass over here and have another beer." Celestia wrinkled her nose in disgust at the can of Bud Light from which Luna was currently chugging.

"No," she said. "Bud Light tastes like piss."

"WAIT!" Luna yelled, jumping in Celestia's face with a belch. "I have an absolutely brilliant idea, Sister! Would you like to hear it, Sister? WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT, SISTER?!" She shook Celestia by her shoulders. The older alicorn huffed, rolled her eyes, and nodded.

"Let's continue the water fight," Luna said, "but... b-but..." she began to shake with laughter, "...but...but...uhhhh... let's use liquor instead!" Without waiting for her sister's answer, the princess of the night filled her Super Soaker to the brim with vodka. "The only rule in this war is that there are no rules, except you have to drink if you're hit."

"Oooooh, okay!" Celestia agreed, dumping half a bottle of tequila into her Super Soaker. "You are a fucking genius, Moonbutt! You're the smartest pony ever. Hey, whoever loses the war should be banished to the moon! Haha, now I am smarter, although I already was, because I'm the older sister, but--" She was cut off by a deluge of Grey Goose to her face. Luna giggled and took off down the hallway as Celestia glared.

"You can run, but you can't hide, Moon Ass!" she bellowed, rushing to the liquor cabinet and conjuring a complete arsenal of Nerf guns, Super Soakers, and water balloons. The princess of the sun snickered devilishly as she filled all of the balloons and guns with beer, vodka, tequila, and whiskey. Celestia flew around the castle in search of Luna, who suddenly appeared before her in the castle's other wing and sprayed her with a mixture of tequila and vodka.

"Draaaank!" Luna sang loudly. Celestia guffawed stupidly, turned her cannon full of vodka on herself, and sprayed it down her throat.

"Ha-how about this? Hic," Celestia hiccuped. "What if we..." she wheezed with laughter. "...What if we... hic...wha--" She was hit in the face by a deluge of beer, immediately followed by a rush of vodka. "What if we.. eh, fuck it." She shot Luna in the face with a powerful burst of water, then flew up and dumped a bucket of water on her sister's head.

"I shall never... hic... surrender!" Luna screeched, assaulting Celestia with a barrage of water balloons. "The night will last forever, and a bunch of other shit like that!" She cackled and created a miniature tsunami, then chugged a beer, crushed the empty can on her forehead, and tossed it to the floor.

"Luna, you whore!" Celestia cried as she was caught in the towering wall of water, which crashed violently on top of her. Luna laughed maniacally and took a huge gulp from a bottle of Grey Goose. Celestia magically dried the tsunami and began to look around for her sister.

"Luna, get your giant blue ass out here, or it's back to the moon for you!" the white alicorn screamed, stumbling aimlessly. She gasped as a downpour of bourbon suddenly covered her head. As Celestia looked up, Luna appeared a few inches away from her face and sprayed her directly between her eyes with a Super Soaker full of tequila.

Suddenly, the castle's doors opened. Twilight Sparkle and Cadance stood in the doorway, their mouths hanging open. After a moment, Twilight exchanged a smirk with Cadance, then looked back at the royal sisters.

"All three of you had better prepare to lose," the princess of friendship declared. "The Element of Magic has arrived, motherfuckers." She created a stadium-sized arsenal of huge water cannons, Nerf guns, water balloons, buckets, and fire hoses. "You have thirty seconds to grab what you need. Go!"

On Twilight's signal, all of the princesses raced toward the wall of weapons. Half a minute later, they were fully kitted out. Cadance formed a tsunami of tequila, which Twilight split in half. The lavender alicorn celebrated her quick thinking by chugging a beer, then dive-bombed Luna and pelted her with a barrage of beer-filled water balloons. The princess of dreams teetered back and forth for a few seconds, then threw up and passed out on the floor.

"Ugh. Get your shit together, Luna," Celestia scoffed. The solar diarch aimed a water hose at Cadance, who squealed and took flight ungracefully, but was hit as soon as her hooves left the ground. Twilight dive-bombed Celestia, knocked her out by spraying her in the face with the water hose, then raised her hooves victoriously.

"Taste the power of friendship, bitches!" she screamed. "Spike and Flurry are asleep, so I don't have to watch my fucking language!" She guffawed and farted loudly, releasing a cotton candy-scented burst of hot pink glitter from her rear. Luna's ear flickered as she stirred and opened her eyes.

"Twilight," she slurred from the floor, "please shut your foalish ass up." Then Luna drunkenly entered the realm of dreams, where she saw Flurry Heart, who was dreaming about the fun day she had just had with her aunties. Luna took a mental note to fill the pool with beer next time.