Diary of a Mareschizo

by Starswirl the Beardless

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 4323

Amber Blaze loves mares...maybe a little too much.

Amber Blaze is just your normal, run-of-the-mill, small-town mare. She loves her family. She has lots of friends. She did well (enough) in school. Oh, but there is one thing...

She loves mares. A lot. Like...a lot, a lot. Like...a lot, a lot, a lot.

Lucky for her, she's finally ready to move away from her little village and head off to the big city: Ponyville, where the streets are paved with mares (at least in her fantasies). And lucky for us, she's decided to keep a diary of her time there, so we get to follow along and hear every mare-related thought that pops into her little head!

Celestia help us.

Published 2023-04-08 15:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-08 15:50:00 UTC

March 25

Dear Diary,

My name is Amber Blaze, and I love mares.

I love mares so much. I love their kind spirits. I love their scrunchy noses and their brushable tails. I love their pretty manes and their big, beautiful eyes. Don’t tell anypony I said this, but I even love their snowpities. Oh, I feel so naughty writing that!

I can’t remember when I started loving mares exactly. Maybe I always did? It’s been a long time anyway, but lately, mares are all I can think about. Some days I can’t even think properly I’m thinking about mares so much. It’s like my brain is just MAREMAREMAREMAREMARE all day long!

That’s part of the reason I decided to start this diary. One of my friends (who’s a really cute mare btw) told me that writing in a diary is a good way to sort out your thoughts and to remember things. Well, I got a lot mare-related thoughts I need to sort out, so I decided to give it a shot!

Oh, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself, aren’t I? I’m not normally so straight-to-business, but where mares are concerned…

Anyway, my name is Amber Blaze! Oh wait, I said that already, didn’t I? Sorry. I’m not that good at introductions, not when I’m thinking about mares, that is. You can imagine how hard it is for me when I meet a cute new mare!

My full name is Amber Blaze, but most of my friends just call me Amber. Back when I was in school though, I had a teacher who always called me Miss Blaze when she was upset with me...which was a lot. I didn’t do very well in school, probably because I spent so much time thinking about mares. It’s not my fault though! I don’t know how anypony could sit through a boring math lesson without wanting to just close their eyes and think about mares. My teacher would give me a stern talking-to whenever she caught me daydreaming, but I never minded it that much. She was a cute mare too, after all.

Oh, there I go getting distracted by mares again! Focus, Amber!

Okay, my name is Amber, I’m an Earth pony, and I just turned twenty years old last month. Oh, and something else I should probably tell you is...I’m a mare too.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking, but no, being a mare isn’t as exciting as you’d think, not for me anyways. I don’t know what it is. It just doesn’t scratch the same itch. I guess it’s kinda like how ponies can’t tickle themselves? It’s just not the same if it’s you, but if it’s somepony else…

Sorry, I spaced out there for a second. Mares on the brain.

Anyway, let me tell you what I look like. My coat is sort of yellowy-brown (like amber, go figure). A lot of ponies think my mane and tail are black, but they’re actually just really really dark brown, like my mom’s. My hair is straight, and I typically let it grow out pretty long, but I got it cut recently (by a cute barber-mare), so it’s about down to my shoulders right now.

I’m a little bit shorter than most of the mares my age. It’s never bothered me that much though. Nopony at school ever teased me about it, although it did make it a little bit hard for me in gym class. And even when I was tall enough to catch the ball, there was a good chance I would get distracted by the cute, sweaty mare passing it to me, and I’d end up spacing out and getting hit in the head! I would tell ponies I just had the sun in my eyes, but I don’t think they really believed me, especially when we were playing inside the gym.

Here, why don’t I draw you a picture to help you visualize:

Oh, that didn’t come out very good, did it? Sorry, I’m not a very good at drawing. Well, that's supposed to be me standing next to my new house in Ponyville, although the real thing looks a lot prettier.

Shoot, I forgot to mention that, didn't I? I'm such a scatterbrain. The other reason I decided to start this diary (other than keeping track of my mare thoughts) is because, after all these years, I'm finally leaving my hometown and moving to the big city! Oh, I'm so excited!

I've spent my whole life living here in my little village (Sleepy Grove, pop: 127), and I really do love it here a lot, but this is something I've wanted for a long time now. I want to get out and see the world, and most of all, I want to see all of the cute mares out there too!

Lucky for me, Ponyville is only a few hours away by hoof (the trains don't come to our village, unfortunately), and I know for a fact that there's lots of cute mares that live there! I've been there a few times to visit, and I almost couldn't believe that there was such a wonderful place in Equestria! There's so much to do there, not like here.

Here, nopony does anything except go to school/work and sleep. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a teensy bit, but still. Sure, there's lots of cute mares here, but most of those mares are too busy working on their farms or doing other stuff to spend time with. Most of my old school friends have jobs now, so they don't have time to hang out much either. My mom's been bugging me to get a job too, but she just doesn't get it! Having a job would cut into my mare-appreciating time!

I have been doing some odd jobs around the village for a while though. I had to save up some money so I could move, after all, but I think it'll all be worth it in the end! Once I'm in Ponyville, I'll have lots of time to spend with all of the mares there! I've heard that they love to play and sing and throw parties there all the time! Oh, I can hardly wait!

I'm gonna have the best time ever living in Ponyville, and I'm gonna write all about it in this diary. I don't want to forget even one marement (mare moment) of my time there, so I'll probably be writing a lot!

I wonder what it'll be like once I'm there. I wonder what I'll do first. Will the mares be as cute as I remember them being? Will they all like me? Oh, I really hope so.

Oh, wow. It's getting late. I guess I got so wrapped up thinking about Ponyville that I lost track of time. I should probably hit the hay soon. It's moving day tomorrow, so I have to get up bright and early. I promise I'll write some more tomorrow night, after I get to my new house.

Okay, that was a big yawn. I really gotta go now. Nighty-night, diary. Sweet (mare) dreams.

March 26

Oh my gosh, diary. You won’t believe the day I just had. I hardly even believe it! I had everything planned out so nicely, but then everything just…

Ugh. Where do I even start? I guess the beginning would be a good place. I don’t really want to think about the end right now, anyway.

Well, it all started this morning. I woke up bright and early, ready to greet the day (and all the mares I thought I was gonna meet). I made my bed, I brushed my teeth, and then my mom made me a nice, healthy breakfast: two slices of toast with huckleberry jam, two eggs (overeasy), and a tall glass of chocolate milk. Once I was done, I finished packing up my last suitcase, and then I was all ready to head out!

My mom got so sad when it was finally time for me to leave. She kept trying to talk me out of leaving, but I told her I had made up my mind. She told me she was gonna miss me, and I let her know that I was gonna miss her too. I knew I was gonna miss all the mares I was leaving behind, but I promised my mom I would come back and visit all the time!

So, I gave my mom and dad their goodbye kisses, hitched up my cart, then began the long trip to Ponyville! I was so excited when I got onto the road, but I was a little bit sad too. I kept thinking about all the mares (and the stallions) I was leaving behind, but the thought of all the mares waiting for me at the end of the road kept me going!

It was a pretty long trip, especially since I was lugging the big cart with all of my stuff in it, and that slowed me down. Thankfully, the road was pretty easy, and I never really had any trouble. It was pretty boring though. On my last trip to Ponyville, when I went to pick out a house, I had my mom with me to keep me company. This time, it was just me, so I didn’t have anypony to talk to. I’ll admit, it was a bit exciting being on my own, but it’s not easy for just one mare to carry on a conversation. I ended up just doing a lot of thinking about mares, about Ponyville, and what I was gonna do once I got there. I also sang some mare songs (written by yours truly) to pass the time, but I don’t think the squirrels I passed liked them very much.

It felt like forever, but eventually, I came around a bend and I saw it way off in the distance: Ponyville! Oh, it was just as pretty as I remembered, what with all of those little houses and nice green hills. I was so excited about getting there that I had to force myself not to gallop the final stretch, even though I really wanted to!

My patience paid off though, cause it was only a few more minutes before I finally got to town! I was so excited, and so nervous too! Can you blame me? I was so worried that something might go horribly wrong. I thought maybe the mares in Ponyville wouldn’t like me. Maybe they weren’t as mare-y as I thought they were. Or maybe all the mares decided to move to a different town, and there wouldn’t be any in Ponyville at all! Yes, I know it sounds silly in hindsight, but cut me some slack.

As it turned out, I got myself all worked up for nothing, 'cause as soon as I got to town, I saw them! Mares! Mares, mares, mares! They were everywhere! Dozens of them, hundreds of them! There were mares in the parks, mares in the streets, mares in the shops, and even mares flying through the air! There were young mares, and old mares! There were big mares and small mares! There were tough mares, sissy mares, and mares who climb on rocks! There was every kind of mare you can think of!

I could hardly contain my excitement! My little heart was beating so fast looking at all those mares! I just wanted to...just wanted to...well, I don’t know what I wanted to do, actually. I don’t know what I could have done either. I was getting overwhelmed by all the mares! It wasn’t nearly as bad the last few times I had been to Ponyville. Granted, I’d always come with somepony else with me to distract me, but today, it was just little old me surrounded by a whole town full of mares (and some stallions too, I guess).

It was even worse when all the cute mares I passed by would smile at me or say hello. I wanted to smile back and say hi, but my brain was locked in mare-mode and I couldn’t even say a word! Oh, I probably looked so stupid just grinning awkwardly at them as I went. I wish I could go back in time and slap some sense into myself!

Anyway, I somehow managed to focus enough to remember where my new house was. I may have taken a few wrong turns along the way, and gotten distracted watching some cute mini-mares (fillies) playing in the park, but eventually, I found my way to #5 Oakwood Street, my new home. It was a good thing too! By the time I parked my cart in front of the house, I was tired, sweaty, and about to collapse from mare-overdose!

The house looked as nice as it had the last time I had seen it. The windows were clean, the roof was freshly thatched, and the door had a brand-new coat of paint! I was so lucky to get it! I was worried my landlady might not rent the place to a mare like me, but she really seemed to like me (and I really like her too)!

I walked right up to the door and stepped on inside! Well, I would have stepped inside, but the door was locked! Silly filly I was, I forgot to unlock the door first! No problem, I thought. I thought I had put the keys in my saddlebags for safekeeping, and my saddlebags were in my cart, right on top of everything else. I walked over to the cart and opened up my bags, but…they weren’t there. The keys weren’t in my bags.

I started to panic. I went through my bags a dozen times. I even dumped them out on the ground, but I still couldn't find my keys. I was really starting to get scared then. I wondered where those little keys could possibly have gotten to! Had I dropped them somewhere on the road? Had I left them all the way back home? Everything I thought of just made me more afraid and embarrassed.

I decided that the keys must have fallen out of my bags and into the cart at some point. I was desperate, so I climbed up into my cart and dove into the mountain of stuff I'd brought with me to look for them. I looked underneath every box and in every crack, and then I started going through the boxes, making sure the keys hadn't somehow teleported inside of them. I still couldn't find them, and with every second that passed, I just got more afraid and more embarrassed and more sweaty!

I don't know how long I was swimming around in my stuff, but eventually, I heard a voice from somewhere nearby say hello. I surfaced and looked around, and you'll never guess what I saw standing next to my cart: a mare!

She was such a cute mare, what with her pretty purpley coat and that long, curly, dark purple mane of hers! She looked like she was around my age, maybe a little older. Here, let me try drawing a picture.

I was having trouble talking to mares before, but after getting all worried about my keys, I don't think I even could have talked to a stallion at that point! I was embarrassed about losing my keys, and I was even more embarrassed about such a cute mare seeing me digging around in my cart like an idiot!

I must have been frozen for a while, cause she eventually asked me if I was alright. Somehow, I managed to make my mouth move again, and I tried to tell her that I was alright, although I don't know how well it came out.

She asked me if I was the new pony moving into the house, and I told her I was. She got really happy when I said that. She told me that she was my neighbor who lived in the house right next to mine. She told me her name was Lavender Swirl (such a cute name). I think I stuttered a bit, but I managed to tell her my name too.

Lavender asked me if I needed help, since it looked like I was upset about something. Oh, I know she meant well, but I just got so embarrassed about such a cute mare seeing me like that that my brain just shut down. I just blurted out that I was looking for my keys before I could stop myself. Lavender looked and me, and she asked me if I meant the keys hanging from the string around my neck.

I don't think I had ever been more embarrassed in my entire life. They were there, of course, right where I'd put them that morning, right where I thought I couldn't possibly lose them. Lavender asked me if I was feeling sick, since my face was all red.

I can't remember exactly what I said, but I think I managed to say something about being alright and said goodbye before I jumped out of my cart, unlocked the door, and ran into my house as fast as my hooves could carry me.

I hid inside for a long time after that. I felt so awful. I just wanted to crawl into a little hole and hide forever. Luckily, the previous tenant left behind some furniture when they moved out, so I was at least able to lay on the couch while I tried not to die of embarrassment.

As much as I would have liked to lay there for the rest of my life, I still needed to unpack all of my things. I managed to get up off the couch eventually, and I peeked outside. Lavender was out in the little garden she has in front of her house, watering her flowers. She has such pretty flowers. I would have loved to go out and see them up close, but I couldn't bring myself to. I couldn't bear to face her after how stupid I had acted in front of her.

In the end, I had to wait until she was done with her gardening before I had a chance to go outside. I saw Lavender put on her saddlebags and walk off towards the market. I knew that was my chance! I waited until I was absolutely sure she was gone, then I dashed outside to my cart. I don't know how I got that cart unpacked so quickly. Before I knew it, I had gotten everything in my cart inside the house and locked the door behind me.

I was able to relax then. It took me a long time to get all of my boxes distributed and start unpacking them, so eventually, I started to calm down. I tried thinking happy thoughts to cheer myself up. Maybe Lavender would suddenly develop amnesia and I would have a second chance to introduce myself? I know, I know. I shouldn't hope for something like that to happen to anypony, especially a cute mare like her.

By the time dinnertime rolled around, I was really hungry and tired, since I'd finished unpacking most of my stuff. I knew the market would be closed, so I couldn't go and get groceries to make something, and a lot of my kitchen stuff was still in boxes anyway. I decided to go to a fast food place nearby that I had been to with my friends the last time we all came to Ponyville. I figured I could go there, get a hayburger, and be home lickety-split to minimize the chance of embarrassing myself in front of any more mares.

I peeked outside to make sure the coast was clear. I think most ponies were at home having dinner then, so the streets were pretty empty. I took a deep breath, stepped outside, then trotted as quickly as I could without looking weird down the street.

Thankfully, I was able to make it to the restaurant without any incidents. The problem came when I got into the restaurant. There were lots of cure mares in there eating their burgers, so I started to go into mare-mode again. I had to really focus as I waited in line so I wouldn't get distracted by them all. When I got to the front, and the cute cashier mare asked me what I wanted, I managed to mumble my order clearly enough. While I waited for my food, I couldn't help but look at some of the mares nearby, especially that purple unicorn sitting with a little dragon in the corner. She looked like she had about a dozen burgers all to herself! Eventually, I got my food in a little paper bag, and I made for home.

I was all jittery on the way home because of those mares. I was reaching my mare limit, but thankfully, the streets were pretty empty, so nothing pushed me over the edge. I was so grateful when I finally got to my front door again. I just wanted to get inside, eat my burger, and then go to bed. I opened my door, stepped inside, and then...

I don't know what happened. One moment, I was all alone in my living room. The next thing I knew, somepony flicked the lights on, I heard a whole bunch of ponies shout "surprise", and then the room was suddenly full of mares! They were everywhere! They were on my couch, by the window, in the kitchen, and everywhere in between! So many cute mares, all wearing cute party hats and blowing those little party blower thingies.

I tried to take it all in, take in all of those cute mares and their cute manes and their cute, smiling faces, but it was just too much at once! My heart was pounding, my stomach ached, and my head felt fuzzy. The last thing I remember was this really cute, pink mare with pink, poofy hair stepping up and saying something about a "welcome to Ponyville" party.

I...I fainted.

The next thing I knew, I was lying in bed up in my new bedroom. I was confused, but then Lavender Swirl came in. She said she was happy I was awake and asked me if I was okay. I think I must have been a little out of it, because I was able to tell her I felt okay before I realized there was a cute mare in my bedroom and started to get nervous again.

Lavender told me what happened. She said that one pink pony (Ponker Po, I think she said?) had planned a surprise party to welcome me to town. She said she had absentmindedly mentioned me to her while she had been out shopping. She grumbled about her always sneaking into ponies' houses to throw them surprise parties, and said she should have told her not to do it for me, since I seemed so nervous that day. She said that Ponker had gone ahead and done it, and that I'd fainted from shock. She said she'd run over as soon as she realized what had happened, got me into bed, and had sent everypony else home.

If I'd felt embarrassed before, I felt about a bajillion times worse after hearing all that. Not only had I made a fool of myself, but I ruined what probably would have been a really nice party they had all tried to throw me! I thought all of those mares would laugh at me or hate me or...I don't know what. I started babbling and...I even started to cry a bit.

Lavender gave me a hug and told me it was alright. She smelled so nice. She told me it was everypony else's fault for overloading me on my first day in town. If only she knew. She said Ponker Po and the others had said sorry, and said that they still wanted to meet me when I was feeling up for it. She even said Ponker had brought me a cake. I saw it sitting on my bedside table. There was frosting writing on top that said:

WELCOME TO PONYVILLE
P.S. I'M SORRY I SCARED YOU

I calmed down a little after that. I thanked her for being so nice to me. Lavender said it was no trouble. She said most ponies in town were really friendly (sometimes a little too friendly), and that she thought I would love it here once I got used to it. She asked me if I needed anything else, and I said no. We said goodbye, and Lavender went home.

So, that was my day. Now, I'm just sitting in bed, writing all this down here, and eating some of my cake (chocolate with raspberry filling, how did the mare know my favorite?).

Y'know, now that I'm looking back on it, I guess today wasn't that bad. I mean, it would have been better if I hadn't suffered a mare-overdose in front of all my new neighbors, but it could have been a lot worse. I got to meet at least one new mare, and she really is so nice! I really hope I can become friends with her. I hope I can become friends with all the cute mares in town (and the stallions too). I just hope I can keep my mare-love under control and not weird out anypony.

I'm really glad I started writing in you, diary. I think it is helping me process all of this. I'll be sure to let you know how things go from here on out. For now though, I think I'm gonna go to sleep. I'm tired, and I need my energy if I'm gonna meet all of the cute mares in this town!

Bye for now!

XOXO