Hello, you have reached...
Author's Note
Now I've had my fair share of spam callers and they have annoyed me to no end! But thanks to some inspiration from a tiktoker who came up with a creative way to get rid of them, I came up with a few things of my own.
And sorry if it's a bit lame...been a long while since I last wrote a story and this was a spur-of-the-moment idea
Hello, you have reached...
It was any other average day for Lotus. A mountain of work between selected readings and commissions, a schedule to constantly check and recheck, a list of roles to record for others, and a declining stash of snacks and instant foods. She was also running on at least 5 hours of sleep, so she was in a bit of an irritated mood. Saphirus had left her a proper meal at breakfast, which she had greedily devoured in a sleep-deprived haze before returning to her workload. She was starting to calm down in her room's relative quiet when the cell phone rang.
"Sweet Celestia...what now?" She growled to herself as she picked up her phone. The screen read an unfamiliar number and underneath it said Spam Risk. Lotus rolled her eyes with an exasperated sigh. There was a whoosh of magic as she changed into a middle-aged plumped tan woman with strawberry blonde hair pulled into a bun. She answered the phone with a sickly sweet southern accent. "Why hello there, sugah! You've reached Mitzy's Mortuary Diner, from slab to tab. Who may I serve you today?" *click* Lotus changed back to her default disguise, put her phone down and went back to typing away on her computer.
Another hour had passed and Lotus was finally taking a break. Wouldn't be long since now that the organization was done, it was time to get to recording. She let out a heavy sigh. "Ok...gotta record lines for Sparrow for his Halloween reading, do the comic dub commission for Bus Arrow, read a requested reading from Drunk Luna, select a commission, select a clop, select a SFW read, an ASMR" she paused "Mother's Day is coming up, so I'll need to pick a reading for that. And my anniversary is also coming up too...and I reeeeeeeally need to get started on that."
She was in the kitchen scrolling away on her phone while drinking from her bottle of strawberry-infused water when her phone rang again. 'Another one? Well, good thing I thought of a new one.' She thought. Once again, she changed. She answered her phone. This time her voice was silky, rich, and smooth as she had changed into an alabaster-skinned woman with jet-black hair. "Well hello there, you've reached Celina's Cannibal Kitchen! Who will you be bringing in this afternoon?" There was a five-second pause, then a *click* before she went back to scrolling. 'I'm rather morbid when sleep-deprived, aren't I?'
The phone rang with a signature default tone. A sour, tense smile formed on Lotus' face. She was right in the middle of recording for a "yandere captures you" ASMR and was deep into her character. 'I know juuuuuuuuuuust how to get you off my back' She thought as she quickly picked up, still in character and panting hard. She didn't have time to transform, but being vocally in character was nearly the same as being physically in character. "Hello, you've reached the Yandere Cafe...where my love for you is killer. Will you let me love you?" She let out an eerie giggle and played the sound effect of sharpening a knife, one she had conveniently queued up on her computer. The caller promptly hung up. With that taken care of, Lotus sighed. "Sorry about that Sanity...spam call...leave this in for the blooper reel. Anyway...where was I?"
After almost three hours of recording relatively small projects, Lotus was taking another break and drinking some tea for her sore throat. "Two breaks in one day...a rarity...though for the best since my throat is close to giving out." She was checking what she had to do next. "Hmm..this was pretty low on my list. Think I added this horror story about two years ago. Probably should get it a refresher read."
As she was reading, the phone vibrated. Without skipping a beat, she changed into a gaunt old woman with ratty grey hair and answered in a monotone voice. "Hello. You have reached Xenia's Human Wax Museum. Once a client, always a resident." *click* Lotus changed back to normal and looked at her phone then at nothing. "Where...did that one even come from? Maybe it's time I get some sleep."
Entering her room again with a whole pot of tea, Lotus stretched before shifting her desk to standing mode. Sitting for too long made her legs cramp up and her butt pretty sore. Standing while working was better anyway. She sorted through her recent work and began preparing separate emails to all the recipients of her files. Some were big and needed time to render, so she sipped her tea while waiting. She also took a little time to give her legs a stretch. "I would say Sparrow is gonna kill me for all the screaming...but given his experience with me, he's far more cautious with my files. And I do give warnings too." She mumbled as she sipped her tea.
Eyeing her phone, as she was expecting a call, she started tapping her foot. It was getting closer to the end of the day and she was waiting for Saphirus to call. Hearing his voice would let her know which one of them was cooking tonight or if takeout was on the menu. When her phone inevitably rang, it was not the call she was expecting. Letting out a tiny hiss at the innocent device, she changed into a dark-skinned goth with blue streaks in her hair. In a too-deep for a female voice, she answered with "Hello. You have reached Lunette's Escape Room where the price of admission is always a pound of flesh. Would you like to play a game?" She could have sworn she heard a whimper on the other end, the first response she heard all day before the caller hung up. Lotus changed back and had a small chuckle as she got back to work.
Saphirus opened the front door and found Lotus standing by the door with a pout. "You didn't call this time."
"I know, I'm sorry." Saphirus raised his hands, one of them holding a bag with takeout from a little French diner that was close by. "I just thought I'd take the pre-emptive strike for dinner. Since you've been working so hard all day, I'm assuming."
Lotus stared at the bag. The scent of carbonara pasta tickled her nose and made her mouth water. She'd have preferred sugar as a treat for all her hard work, but actual food was a close second as a reward. She was about to kiss him when her phone rang in her pocket. Breathing in deeply, she smiled as she pulled out her phone. She shifted into a sultry ebony-skinned woman with long dark brown hair. "Hi, you've reached Lady Zara's Massage Parlour where all the endings are happy...for us at least. How can I help you?"
There was an agast, pearl-clutching gasp on the other end before the caller hung up. Lotus, still disguised, looked at her phone. "Hmm...didn't think spammers did overtime." She looked to Saphirus, whose mouth was gaping open and a huge blush was on his face. "I've been dealing with spam calls all day. I know they can't see my disguises but it adds authenticity to the act."
"...can you keep this disguise? I think I need a special appointment with Lady Zara." He said sheepishly.
Lotus grinned and wrapped her arms around him. "Of course. You'll get a very extra special treatment...after dinner of course." She kissed him before they went to the table for dinner...and then some steamy dessert.
