Better Go Catch It

by RunicTreetops

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Princess Luna, Second Person, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Human, Anon, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2705

Your lovely wife, Celestia, likes to engage in a yearly fridge-raiding competition with her sister. This year, she has decided to rope you into it.

Ah yes, the fridge raid. The time of year that Celestia and Luna compete to steal a shortcake from the fridge. It gets fierce. It gets bloody. And most of all, it tastes delicious.

You want no part of it.

Sucks that Celestia is your wife, then, doesn't it?

Published 2023-04-09 02:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-09 02:30:01 UTC

Better Go Catch It

Author's Note

Just a fun little idea that I had to write. I hope you enjoy it! As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!

Better Go Catch It

You sigh to yourself as you lean back against the brick wall. Right now, you're crouched down inside a cluster of bushes that are planted alongside Luna's home in Silver Shoals. You gently and fruitlessly attempt to fan yourself. It's a very warm day today. The fact that your lovely wife insisted that you wear a completely black, ninja-like getup from head to toe doesn't help. Navy works better than black for this sort of thing, anyway! Now that you think about it, how did she even get something like this for a human?

You've been hiding in these bushes for about an hour, and to say that you're tired of the discomfort would be an understatement. You didn't even want to do this in the first place! Early this morning you were going about your daily routine. It was looking to be another nice, peaceful day in Ponyville. Of course, that never tends to last. As you sat eating breakfast, your wonderful significant other, the now-retired Celestia, finally got out of bed and made her way downstairs to join you. Ever since the responsibility of raising the sun fell to Twilight, Tia has not been much of a morning pony, but rather than her typical frazzled, bedhead-covered morning attire, she seems to be at full attention, having already groomed and dressed herself. She looks at you with a smile that you can only describe as delightfully devilish before taking a seat across from you, helping herself to the breakfast you made.

"Well, someone's eager this morning. What's going on?"

"Fufu, don't tell me you've forgotten what today is?"

Oh no you have no idea what today is did you forget a birthday or an anniversary or-

"Oh, right, I forgot to tell you. Hmhm, silly me!" Thank goodness for that, the sweat stains beneath your shirt were about to become noticeable. "Today is this year's fridge raid, and I have a secret weapon!"

Right, the fridge raid. The fridge raid for Celestia. The fridge raid done specifically by Celestia. Celestia's fridge raid.

What is she talking about?

"Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You don't? Oh, well, I guess we never really got the chance to talk about it since I was always too busy actually participating in the fridge raid. You see, ever since we were fillies, Luna and I have had an annual competition. Way back when, our mother had left a delicious strawberry shortcake in the fridge, and we both wanted it. So, completely separately, we both hatched plans to nab that cake in the dead of night. Our plans led to the two of us bumping into each other once we had reached the fridge and arguing over who got to eat the shortcake. Of course, this caused our mother to wake up and punish the both of us, but ever since then it has been like a sort of competition. Every year, one of us bakes a strawberry shortcake and leaves it in the fridge while the other has to try and steal it. We even kept this tradition up after we became princesses! It made for good gossip amongst the Royal Guard, I think! Haha!"

"I... see. That sounds like an odd tradition, but I'm glad you and Luna have something like that to bond over."

"Bonding? Hmhm, I'm afraid not, my sunshine. This is not bonding." She leans in over the table at you, her eyes looking determined and frankly a little deranged. "This. Is. War." She gives you a smile that makes chills run down your spine. Whatever this is, you want no part of it. "So it's a good thing I brought backup this time!"

You nervously clear your throat as she leans back into her seat.

"Oh, yeah? Who'd you get?"

You take a deep swig of your coffee, hoping that you'll just change the subject to whatever gossip might be going around about her conspirator instead of whatever terrible scheme she has brewing in her head.

"Why, you, of course!"

You spit out a bit of your coffee, burning the back of your throat the process. You begin coughing as Tia magically gives you a pat on the back.

"Me? Why me? I thought this was between you and your sister?"

"Because technically, it's a battle between siblings, my sunshine. Getting outside help is strictly against the rules, but seeing as how Luna IS your sister-in-law now..."

"No. Nope. Tia, I want no part of this. This can only end horribly and you know it! Whatever kind of game this is, just leave me out of it!"

Anyways that's the story of how you ended up in this bush waiting for Tia's signal to break into Luna's house.

Taking a quick glance at the sky, you notice the sun directly above you. High noon, right when your part of the plan is supposed to be put into action. You would have thought that nighttime would be better, especially considering the getup Tia shoved you in, but she insisted that Luna is asleep during the day and thus is most vulnerable in the middle of said day. You would try to argue that this plan is inherently flawed since bedtime is pretty much the only time you can be certain that Luna WILL be home while you try to break in, but arguing with Celestia is a fool's errand. If this was an RPG, she would have, like, 2D20 in Charm or something.

Suddenly, you see the sun shake just a little bit in the sky. If you weren't looking for it, you almost certainly wouldn't notice, which is exactly what Tia was going for. That's the signal.

Taking a deep breath and having faith that Tia's plan won't lead to you facing Luna's wrath, you reach up to the window above you, gently attempting to slide it open. Sure enough, it does. She must have successfully unlocked it for you. Doing your best to hold your breath, you jump up into the window and try to shimmy down to the floor.

Okay well you fell a good three feet face-first onto the marble floor, simultaneously kicking the window shut in the process and making a loud slamming sound. You wince as you scurry to your feet and glace around nervously, not moving an inch. The entire mansion is silent. You appear to be in the foyer, and you direct your attention to the top of the stairs. Up there and down the hall is Luna's bedroom, where she should be sleeping right now. You take another deep breath and turn your attention to the floor you're on. From here, you don't see anything that could be a trap. It seems that Tia successfully accomplished her part of the plan.

The plan, as Tia described it, was simple. She would break into Luna's home using the spare key she knows Luna hides beneath a fake rock near the front door while you hid in a bush outside. From there, she would navigate the building from the window that you would climb through to the kitchen, making sure to unlock the window and disable any traps Luna might have set that could prevent you from reaching the fridge, mostly because she is more familiar with Luna's style of trap-setting than you. After successfully doing so, she would make her way to Luna's bedroom, where the plan took two different forms depending on the scenario waiting for her there. If she could confirm that Luna was indeed asleep, she would give you the signal to enter and maintain a spell that prevented Luna from hearing anything that happened outside of the bedroom, allowing you unfettered access to the fridge where you would acquire the shortcake and escape with little issue. If Luna wasn't asleep, she would pretend to be shocked and lure a confident Luna out of the mansion, allowing you to sneak in and nab the shortcake. Either way, it seems that the important job falls to you. Goody.

Keeping the plan in mind and noting that you did not hear or see Luna chasing Tia while you were in the bush, you assume that Tia is currently upstairs maintaining that spell. You still don't feel very good about this and quickly make your way to the kitchen, praying that Luna never finds out about your involvement.

Coming to the kitchen, you can't help but notice several bear traps that have already been strung. They... really take this seriously, don't they? Looking across the room, though, it appears as though the fridge is available, thanks in no small part to the clearly disabled trap consisting of a tripwire, a rope, and an axe next to said fridge. You conclude that alicorns are crazy and finally make your way to the fridge.

Well, here it is. You nervously try to swallow as you reach for the handle. The door creaks loudly as you slowly open it bit by bit as though the embodiment of death itself will emerge from whatever evil dimension is contained within this fridge.

As the light inside finally kicks on, you see...

A single strawberry shortcake resting on a small platter. Huh.

You shrug to yourself. It seems that Tia really DID deactivate all those traps. You reach for the shortcake and slowly pull it out of the fridge. Guess you'd better get this thing out of he-

ARGH!

You stumble backwards as a small metal spout-looking object that was concealed beneath the platter begins to spray a yellow gaseous substance towards you. Slamming the fridge door shut, you realize that you fell right into what must have been Luna's final trap.

Clap. Clap. Clap.

"Really, now, I have to commend your efforts."

You try to turn your head to meet whoever just spoke to you, but in the process you feel your neck begin to freeze up. Realizing in an instant what this gas does, you do your best to grab at the shortcake before you drop the platter and feel your entire body succumb to the paralysis.

To no one's surprise, you watch Luna enter your peripheral vision, her signature look of superiority clear on her face.

"Honestly, I'm disappointed in you. I would expect this from my sister, but I thought you were above these little schemes."

You try desperately to explain that you had no part in coming up with this "scheme" and that you really didn't want to do this in the first place, but this paralysis is pretty much all-emcompassing and you find that you cannot speak.

"Yes, yes, I figured she would try to involve you in her plan. That's why I never actually went to sleep. I thought you two might wait for night when it was less of a guarantee that I would be home." See, you knew this was a bad idea. "But when I started to get confident due to how peaceful it was, I realized that it wasn't just peaceful. I couldn't hear anything outside my room whatsoever. Basic logic allowed me to reason that since you don't know the spell to do that, my sister must have been outside the bedroom. Hmhm, she's not the only one with tricky, powerful spells, you know. In fact, I learned a few from her. With the prep time that comes with her thinking I'm asleep, it was easy to throw the door open and hit her with it." Darn it Luna, what did you do to her?! "I imagine you must be thinking something along the lines of 'darn it Luna, what did you do to her?!'" Dang, she's good. "Worry not. I shall show you. Oh, and before you go, be sure to tell her that this year, she lost. And she had better make a darn good shortcake for when it's my turn next year."

With that, you watch as Luna's horn glows a bright white. It takes a solid minute for her to finish casting the spell, giving you ample time to consider the fact that you cannot use your mouth, and you must scream. You watch in horror as she finishes her spell and your vision is clouded with white. All at once, the temperature goes from comfortable to extremely cold, but with it comes the return of your bodily functions.

Well, you might as well rip the bandage off. You slowly begin to assess your surroundings. There, in front of you, is an entire planet sitting in a void of inky blackness. Looking around, you find yourself standing on a massive, gray, completely barren landscape. Aside from that, the rest of your vision appears to be the endless abyss of space, broken up only by the billions of stars dotting the sky. There can be little doubt. You've been sent to the moon. You take a deep breath.

Alright cool you can take a deep breath. The rules are weird in this world.

With a defeated sigh you feel your shoulders slump as you take a seat on the lunar soil. Finally removing the part of this ridiculous getup that covers your face, you start rubbing the sweat from your forehead with the back of your still-clasped hands. All things considered...

This punishment isn't nearly as terrible as you were expecting from Luna. It helps that the moon is really cool. Very few other humans have experienced this, and they were certainly under a lot more pressure than you. Plus, they had to deal with things like "oxygen" and "physics." Why you don't is beyond you.

The silence of sitting on the moon is broken by the sounds of hoofsteps making their way towards you. You don't even need to look up to know who it is. Lo and behold, after a moment you see Celestia take a seat next to you in your peripheral vision.

"...My sunshine. I... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have dragged you into this."

"No, no, it's fine. I should have been more clear about my hangups surrounding all of this. Plus, at the end of the day... it was fun."

"Oh, goody! Because I have SO many ideas for traps that we can set next year!"

"I suppose that since we share a house, I won't be getting out of it next time, will I?"

"Hmhm, no you will not, darling." Tia wraps a wing around you and leans into you, snuggling her head beneath your neck. It would be a lot more comfortable if her stupidly long horn wasn't poking against your nose. You lean down just a bit to give her a kiss on the head. "I suppose we lost this year, huh? Heh, it has certainly been a while since I lost."

"I wouldn't be so sure."

"What?"

You sheepishly smile as you hold out your hands, which are still clenched tightly. There, squashed, sad, and platter-less, is the strawberry shortcake. You had managed to grab ahold of it with your bare hands right before the paralysis set in. Considering you dropped the platter, you figure Luna failed to notice that you were still holding the cake itself, crushed though it may be.

"Hey, I trusted you to fulfill your part of the plan. I figured that since you put the same level of trust into me, well, who am I to betray that trust?"

"Ohhh, my little human! Stop giving me so many reasons to love you!"

She pulls her head away for just a moment before leaning in to give you a smooch, smiling all the while. Afterwards, her horn gently glows as she lifts half of the crushed cake towards herself and conjures a pair of magical plates to put the sad mess of what was once a delectable treat on top of. The two of you laugh as you awkwardly share what remains of the cake, looking out at the endless expanse of space around you.

Mission accomplished.

Luna is going to come and get you at some point, right?