“All right, students, we have a very important guest reader here with us today!” Miss Cherilee announced. “Everypony take your seat and settle down. What do we do when we have a special guest?”
“Close our mouths and open our ears, so they can talk and we can hear!” twenty foals replied in unison. Luna smiled at their obedience, then sat down in front of the class.
“Well, you are all very good listeners,” the princess said. “Are you ready to hear the story?” The foals nodded, and Luna opened the book.
“Once upon a time,” she began, “there was a beautiful young princess who lived in a—“
“Princess Woona,” a foal interrupted, “why aren’t you married?” Twenty pairs of eyes came to rest on the princess as Cherilee gasped. Luna blushed and chuckled.
“I just haven’t found the right stallion,” she replied lightheartedly, then continued reading. “Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Clover. Princess Clover lived in a big, pink castle surrounded by trees and lush green fields sprinkled with flowers. From the moment she was born, her parents adored her, and—“
“Princess Woona, one time my daddy said that he doesn’t like you, and that ‘Kwestria needs to become a… a weee-pub-lit, I think?” A little yellow filly with a bow in her mane blinked innocently as Cherilee gasped and Luna’s mouth fell open.
“A republic,” the alicorn gasped. “What is your name, child?”
“Lemon Drop,” the filly replied.
“Well, Lemon Drop,” Luna said with a smirk, “let me tell you a little secret: I don’t care what your father thinks, and you can tell him I said that. Equestria will never be a republic. Now, shall we continue our story?” Without waiting for a response, Luna kept reading. “From the moment she was born, her parents adored her, and she had everything a princess could want.
“One day, an evil sorceress turned the princess’ parents, the king and queen, into stone, then forced the princess to be her servant.”
“But wait,” a light blue unicorn interrupted.
“Yes, child?” Luna said through gritted teeth. “What is your name?”
“I’m Beach Breeze, and I don’t understand how a sorceress could turn a princess’ parents into stone if the princess is an alicorn. Wouldn’t she be able to save herself and her parents?”
“Why don’t you listen to the story and we’ll find out together?” Luna suggested before continuing, “Clover was a pegasus, and her parents had planned to turn her into an alicorn on her sixteenth birthday, three days after the spell was cast. Unfortunately, that would not happen, since they had been turned into stone. Clover knew she had to find a way to free her parents, but she didn’t know what to do.”
“Just fly to Cloudsdale and get enough weather pegasi to cause an earthquake and break the stones. Easy,” a pink pegasus filly said. “There, I solved the problem. This story is boring.” She yawned. “Princess Woona, can we read something else?” Luna’s eye twitched, and she sighed.
“Okay,” she said, “what would you suggest I read, child?”
A chorus of suggestions rang out from the herd of foals. Luna sighed and shook her head, then turned and selected a book from the nearby shelf.
“I didn’t want to have to resort to this, but you all have left me no other choice,” she announced. “It’s time for me to read my favorite story. Who can guess what it is?”
“Ooh! I know!” Scootaloo yelled. “It’s about your banishment, isn’t it?” Luna gasped and glared at the orange Pegasus.
“It is most certainly not about Nightmare Moon,” she growled, “although a little trip down memory lane can be arranged, if you like.” She bared her teeth, making the colt gulp loudly, then lovingly messed up his mane.
“It is about the real reason why I was banished, though.”
“Is it about Tirek?” Applebloom guessed. “I love that story!” Luna shook her head, then shut the book.
“It’s about my sister,” Luna said. “You are the only ponies alive who will ever hear this story, so you must promise to take it to your graves, young ones. Do you understand?” Twenty little heads nodded. Cherilee did the same, her eyes wide with a combination of fascination and dread.
“Well,” Luna began, “this is the story of Princess Celestia’s endless weight loss journey that led to my eventual banishment. You see, children, my sister’s obsession with cake started a few years before I was born. By the time I graced Equestria with my presence, she was well on her way to morbid obesity.”
“What’s morbid obesity?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“It’s what happens when you look and eat like Princess Celestia,” Luna replied. “If she weren’t immortal, she would be dead from diabetes or heart disease. Do you children know what those conditions are? Eat healthy and exercise. ANYWAY, Celestia got jealous because I am the younger, thinner, prettier version of her. Plus I can send ponies to hell, so don’t mess with me.”
“That’s okay, we’re already going there,” Applebloom said, hugging Luna’s legs.
“AS I WAS SAYING,” Luna continued, her Royal Canterlot Voice moving the foals back a few feet, “my fat sister ate my birthday cake every year and made every single one of my birthday parties all about her, kind of like Sweetie Belle’s sister Rarity did at her fifth birthday, but it happened every single year. After our parents died, Celestia blew up like a balloon. After I tried to give her some tough love in the form of a gym membership, she sent me to the moon for a thousand years. I lost eighty pounds on the banishment diet, but it wasn’t like I needed to lose any weight, anyway.”
“Okay, children,” Cherilee interrupted quickly, pushing Luna out of the way, “it’s time for recess!”
“Interrupting your princess is a form of high treason!” Luna yelled, glaring at the teacher.
“That’s not even close to high treason,”
Cherilee said flatly.
“If I say it’s treason, it’s treason,” Luna declared. “Guards, arrest this traitor!”
“TWEASON!” the foals yelled in unison.
“I am your teacher now, and your first lesson is, don’t criticize or interrupt your princess,” Luna told the class as Cherilee was dragged out of the room. “I will pardon her, but it’s fun to scare ponies like that. Now,” she said, smiling at the foals, “how about another story?” The foals cheered.
