"Wallflower," Rainbow Dash said, "why are you being such a bitch?"
Wallflower paused, holding a burrito the size of an artillery shell in one hand and a napkin in the other. She squinted at the others, all of them sitting on the outdoor patio of MexiCalvin's MexiCali Grill.
Fluttershy sobbed in response to Wallflower's previous comment.
"I kinda am, aren't I?" Wallflower said. "Sorry, but it's Miss Cheerilee's fault."
"How is it Cheerilee's fault?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"She had me helping with the saltwater aquarium in the back of the library. The grow lamps for the coral always make me… weird, for the rest of the day."
Twilight pushed her glasses up her nose and leaned toward Wallflower, staring at her.
"Uh-oh," Pinkie mumbled around some churro, "Twilight's got 'science' face."
"We're doing some experiments," Twilight said. "The entire electromagnetic spectrum."
Dash said, "Wallflower's already a little too spectrumy."
Wallflower laughed and shook her head. "Why would I want to let you go all… Twilight on me, Twilight?"
"For science!" Twilight surged from her chair and tried to loom over Wallflower. She ended up just planting her hand in Pinkie's cilantro chocolate chip sour cream.
"No deal," Wallflower replied, taking a bite of burrito before gasping and pounding the table with a fist. "Oh, holy hell, is that habanero?"
"What if," Sunset said to Wallflower, "we told you that the scientific literature is forever and the publication about your response to the spectrum will make you remembered for all time?"
"All right," Twilight said, donning her labcoat and a foil hat. "First experiment: radio waves."
"Why are you wearing aluminum foil on your head?" Wallflower asked.
"Because," Sunset replied, putting on her own labcoat and wrapping aluminum foil around her midriff, layering the foil double-thickness over her ovaries.
"Can I have some foil?" Wallflower asked, rubbing her own belly absently.
"No," Twilight said, and pointed the large wire-frame antenna at her. Sunset flipped a huge, old-timey electrical switch—the double-pole kind with the bakelite handle, like from an old electric chair movie—and a deep anharmonic hum filled the lab. The lights dimmed. "Feel anything?"
Wallflower frowned. "Two nerds engage in useless experiment, how many taxpayer dollars wasted? See our investigative report tonight at ten."
"That's interesting," Sunset said. "Increase the power."
The humming intensified.
"Get ready for a ten-song commercial free music block," Wallflower said. "And as always, our no-Nickelback guarantee!"
"More power," Sunset and Twilight said together.
Wallflower started belting out Juke Box Hero.
"All right," Twilight said, "next on the spectrum—microwaves."
"This time, you do get aluminum foil," Sunset told Wallflower. "Put it over your eyes."
Wallflower frowned, then folded some foil into quasi-goggles and put them over her eyes.
Twilight and Sunset retreated behind a steel mesh and aimed the industrial magnetron at Wallflower. The room was loud with a half-dozen dehumidifiers, ensuring water molecules and their damnable 2.45 gigahertz resonance wouldn't interfere with the experiment.
The magnetron hummed and its cooling fan kicked on.
"How do you feel, Wallflower?" Sunset called.
"Funny. I think… think… think I'm gonna…"
"Popcorn?" Sunset asked Rainbow Dash.
Dash looked around the lab. "What's with all the popcorn? Do you have a bushel of it?"
"Don't worry about it," Wallflower said, rubbing her stomach and taking an antacid tablet. "What's next?"
"Infrared," Twilight said, arranging some heat lamps around Wallflower, who was now wearing a skimpy bikini instead of her usual sweater.
Sunset flipped the old-timey bakelite-handled switch again.
"Okay," Dash said, with one last spurt of the fire extinguisher. "With that little datapoint now resolved, can we end this series of crimes against nature?"
Wallflower stood naked, the ashes of the bikini smearing her skin.
"We have not yet begun to crime against nature," Twilight said. "Next: strobes!"
Sunset flipped the switch again. The overhead lights shut off and a strobe light kicked on.
"That was epic," Dash said, helping Pinkie drag an unconscious Vinyl Scratch from the lab. "Wallflower, you are officially my rave partner from now on."
"How often do you go to raves?" Wallflower asked.
"A lot more, now." Dash closed the door, locking Pinkie and Vinyl out.
Twilight moaned and sat up from where she'd collapsed on the floor. "That strobe was worse than anime…"
"That wasn't a seizure," Sunset growled. "You took a random pill Vinyl offered you. You know better than that."
"She said they were science pills."
"What's next?" Wallflower asked.
Twilight stood, flicked on a flashlight and held it under her chin, leaving sharp shadows across her now-grinning face. "Darkness."
Wallflower ate a third bacon cheeseburger and guzzled at the can of Red Bull. "You all are trying to kill me. I've never been so hungry in my life."
"Sorry, for the fifth time," Twilight said. "Next up, ultraviolet."
"Why am I in a bikini again?" Wallflower asked, drizzling malt vinegar over the french fries.
"That one is flame retardant," Sunset said, rolling in the tanning bed from the storage closet. "Get some eye protectors and climb aboard."
"I'm never going to forgive you," Dash said to Twilight, spraying disinfectant on the bottom glass of the tanning bed and scrubbing with paper towels. "And how can a lab this big not have gloves? I can't believe I'm touching this mess with my delicate human hands."
"I thought you were into this?" Fluttershy asked.
Dash snorted angrily. "Dudes', not chicks'."
Wallflower lazed in a chair at Twilight's desk, wearing a fluffy bathrobe and a look of contentment on her face. "Sploosh," she muttered. "How much does a tanning bed cost? If I want one at home?"
"Next up," Twilight said, handing out heavy lead aprons to everyone but Wallflower, "X-rays."
Wallflower stood up and dropped the bathrobe, once again naked.
"Your snatch was bald earlier," Dash said. "How'd it grow back that fast?"
Wallflower frowned at her now-epic bush. "It's where the sun don't shine, or else I waste the cost of the Brazilian. Twilight? Venmo me fifty bucks."
"Personal grooming would be an unallowable expense on my grant."
Wallflower frowned and then moved in front of the X-ray tube. The others retreated behind the tube and Sunset once more flipped the bakelite-handled switch.
"Wow," said Twilight.
"Wow," said Sunset.
"Wow," said Dash.
Fluttershy pulled out her phone and started taking video. "Someone call Flash Sentry or Timber Spruce. It'll be like the hentai comics."
Timber Spruce sat in the corner, holding an icepack to his crotch. Wallflower came back in, once again dressed in her usual jeans and sweater. "So what's next? Hard X-rays?" She looked at Timber, and then smacked her butt. "Hardcore X-rays, amirite?"
Timber whimpered.
"No, next on the spectrum are gamma rays," Twilight said. "Where is Dash? You would think someone with a geode of super speed could stick to a schedule."
Dash stumbled in at that moment, holding a hand to a bloody wound on her left flank.
"Where's the plutonium?" Twilight snapped.
Dash plopped down to a chair and Sunset immediately grabbed a first aid kit, pulled off Dash's bloody shirt to reveal a sports bra, and started dressing the wound.
"So, Twilight," Dash said, grimacing as Sunset probed around, "Do you know what the special government prison for people who try to steal weapons-grade special nuclear material is like? Because I sure don't."
"We'll have to skip gamma rays," Twilight said with a frown. "Reviewer Number Two will have a field day with the publication."
"I was kinda hoping to go all incredible hulk, honestly," Wallflower said.
Timber whimpered and curled around his crotch.
"Last item," Twilight said, looking at her clipboard. "Moonlight."
"That seems dangerous," Fluttershy muttered, still staring at her phone, where she was watching the X-ray experiment on continuous repeat.
"I'm prepared for the moonlight experiment," Sunset said, as she began stitching up Dash's wound. "Check that top drawer."
Fluttershy opened the drawer. "Shotgun slugs?"
"Custom made. Silver."
