All that Glitters. (EAW)

The rug had been removed posthaste after that event, and the body... well that got pulled out after my dear sweet nemesis stopped berating it. I dare not repeat what my noble and honest wife said in that moment but one of such intelligence as I understands that she may have gone a bit overboard. Just a little bit. I mean I have seen her do it for far longer than a simple half hour but that is a story for a different day.

A story that I won't be sharing now, perhaps later when I don't have important business to attend to (but seriously ask me about the diamond dog server later, that shit was hilarious).

Eventually Princess Diellza Von Katerinburg managed to calm down enough, she took the time to straighten her dress and silently motioned for me to follow. It is then that we stumbled into our first obstacle of the day... a door.

Yes, a simple door. No wait, that is a lie. It's a noble and honorable door, one that has defended my lover and myself from various cruel adversaries. It is made of... wood. Yes, wood (they use wood to make doors don't they?) and it is very intricately carved in such a way that makes it very... doory (that's a word, don't question it). It’s in that moment as my sworn enemy approaches said door that I realise that I know nothing about doors and that this entire spiel was a waste of time. Really I only know one thing from memory about them.

And that's how to bash them in (and don't ask how I know that, I haven't a scooby). Now one might wonder why such a thing could be an obstacle and I will put this very bluntly for those illiterate lackwits in the back. Diellza is a smart cookie (sometimes) she just isn't a street smart cookie (she isn't a cookie at all, she's a Gryphon). I will admit that neither am I so when the door didn't open after she gave it a push I was immediately confused.

"Have you tried the handle?" I suggest calmly to which the grey and ginger catbird just snorts and pushes harder, her crown wobbles on her head as she does so.

"I am using the handle, it's just stuck you horn-headed moron." She growls out as I float closer, giving it a good solid look. Yeah. I know fuck all about door handles either. But Diellza has claws and uses these things all the time so this shouldn't take too long. I float up slightly as she rattles the door handle up and down, I'm looking for a latch that she may have missed or a deadbolt but I don't really see much of anything.

"Is it locked?" I ponder more to myself as Diellza, my most horrible enemy holds back a shriek of frustration at her current situation. It had taken her a good little while to calm down last time and I can already tell that she is almost as enraged as before. She shakes the door or attempts to (my dear wife isn't the most physically fit) but only proceeds to rattle the handle further. I resist the urge to clatter my teeth together in the closest thing I can do to a chortling laugh.

I fail tremendously, I also fail to conceal whatever is my non-existent (magical?) voicebox from cackling in a way that seems far higher in pitch than how I talk. Confusion builds as the rattling stops and baleful green eye's turn towards me. I don't have time to dodge the lackluster lunge of my rival and rather quickly find myself caught between two claws. Wherein she begins to shake me vigorously... at the door.

My non-existent eyes narrow as I try to figure out just what my dearest nemesis is planning on doing with me. The world moves up and down a few more times before I finally figure it out. "Diellza are you trying to magic the door open?"

The shaking stops, I am pulled close to her floofy chest and my loving wife takes a sharp intake of breath. "Nein" She grumbles bashfully as she shakes me again at the door halfheartedly. The door remains unmoved.

And other than a few more scratches (and some bullet holes), utterly unharmed. I light my horn and give the handle a turn and a shove, two actions that don't do much of anything. Though I can't say it really bothers me being trapped in a room with Diellza considering all I ever do is follow her about. At least the room is comfortable and lacks gryphons that make my companion uncomfortable (of which there are a multitude in this castle).

"Is there a latch or something we missed?" I offer up halfheartedly (though I don't have a heart) as my dearest wife shakes me once more at the door. I let her continue doing that for a time as I examine our adversary, it's about at the fifth shake or so that I get a brainwave (do I still have a brain?) and light my horn. The shaking stops as Diellza watches with keen interest at whatever I am going to do. I know ponies have magic spells and while those spells are heresy when used to assist the crown it probably isn't (probably).

So against my better judgment I light my horn more.

(Somewhere Nearby)

Today is a great day, thinks Trooper Landt Hess as he marches down the granite tiled floors of Castle Von Katerinburg with a grin on his beaked face. This was the day, his first day, he had finally done enough out in the city to get a transfer to the Castle Guard, a great honour that would only be the beginning of his military career. He was trained and ready for this moment, he wasn't going to let the whispers of old soldiers dampen his high spirits.

He knew they were just exaggerating all those mean things anyway, so they could keep their high wages and warm food to themselves. He was sure that was it and after this first day on the job he would go home to his sweetheart with news on how well he did on his shift and how lovely, royal and kind his liege was. All he had to do was deliver this letter to her door. Do the greeting drilled into him by Sgt Kodger, bow and then leave as quickly as possible to ensure he didn't get in her way.

This was going to be a cake walk (as the equestrians say) and as he raises his claw to the heavy elm door he can't help but shiver excitedly at the prospect of meeting his sworn liege (if only in passing). The guards on either side of the door refuse to meet his gaze and both clutch their rifles tightly in their claws. Hess pays them no mind and chaps the door three times before pausing and tilting his head to the side. He swears he can hear a muffled conversation but being the good soldier he promptly blocks it out (for it isn't his business) and raises his left claw again and chaps the door firmly.

(Glitterhoof)

The door explodes off its hinges and while I would be shocked, I am more relieved that the incessant knocking has stopped. Though it was only three knocks I could feel my reviled enemies growing rage and thought it best to nip that on the bud. Diellza was damn near worthless at anything but yelling when she blew her top and as funny as it would have been to watch, we are most likely late enough as is. I turn back to her and watch as she flattens her dress in preparation of being seen by the peasantry before beginning what I can only imagine she thought was a demure and graceful walk.

Diellza Von Katerinburg is many things but graceful is not one of them.

Many (out of her earshot) claim she walks like a grouchy cub. She stamps and dulls her claws by clacking them on the ground too much. I watch as she does just that as she moves over the fallen whimpering door (must be a new model, the last door didn't whimper) and ignoring the sealed letter clasped in a twitching claw. It's with a hop, stamp and a whimper (on the doors behalf) that she moves onto the polished granite and inspects the hallway. I grasp the letter in my (heretical) magic before floating down beside her.

Some of the guardsmen gawk. Though I am not sure at what, they had seen the vile tart that calls herself Princess before and to be fair she isn't all that ugly (on the outside). I open the letter and peruse its contents, clacking my boney teeth together in little rhythm before stopping and turning towards my dearest Princess. "A report M'lady, some who-hah about a 'Plague' it seems one of the knightly orders wants some more supplies."

"Supplies?" She shrieks as she grasps the letter and tears it to shreds "I already sent them all the leeches they could ever need, who the hell do they think they are bothering me for more?" She snarls before muttering more about 'Leeches' and 'Bloodletting', two things I have no stake in and therefore ignore (because I don't have any blood).

And while I could stop the conversation there I have a problem and that problem is my big fat undead mouth.

"They're half of Katerins current armed forces M'lady and they hold significant weight in your advisory council." I respectfully remind her with what is the closest I can offer in terms of a small smile (Its horrifying). This as it turns out is the wrong thing to remind my dearly beloved of.

"Weight!" She snarls towards the ceiling "I'll show those miserable sycophants weight!" She stamps forward before turning back towards me (it's a good time to note that Diellza doesn't know what the word Sycophants means and neither do I), the guards on either side of the hallway make themselves as small as possible. "The weight of an axe removing all of their heads for even thinking they have a say where my stuff goes!" I nod in agreement even though I think she has entirely missed whatever point I was trying to make.

"Indeed they have no right to say where any of your stuff goes an-" I begin before being interrupted.

"Not the leeches, not the peasants, not the shiny armour and especially not the leeches!" If I had eyes I would roll them, I wasn't going to be the one to tell her that Katerin hadn't used leeches as medicine for close to 50 years (They're actually used in various peasant dishes, all of which sound awful) but I would have to get around to doing it later (after it stopped being funny). I clatter my teeth together, the door whimpers and Diellza huffs.

"They have no right but if we give them some stuff, they'll give us other stuff... like taxes." I float down towards her face and wish I could give her a pout and puppy dog eyes. "You like using taxes to hunt down republicans don't you." Diellza huffs again but nods and stands up (Hunting Republicans is actually a national sport in Katerin). The guards avert their eyes as she straightens out her dress, some stare at me with abject terror that I have never seen before. I wonder why they do so considering they have seen me before but ignore it in favour of floating alongside my princess as she walks.

Before stopping yet again as a thought occurs. "Guards do ensure that the pathetic whimpering door is replaced." Some look at me confused, looking at each other before looking back at me. "It best be replaced by the time court ends and it best not whimper if you value your lives." I offer darkly before returning to my nemesis's side.

Her laugh is an awkward shrill wheezing thing, it's something that sends shivers down the spines of lesser men. I don't even flinch (advantage of not having a spine). After a brief moment I join her in with my own clattering chattering. It's good to laugh now because I suspect we won't be laughing all that long. For ahead of us waits the Council of Katerin, also known as the Katerintreue (while they hold little obvious power, their roles as advisors can not be ignored) and they are one of the few things my darling fears.