All that Glitters. (EAW)

by LunarReaper

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Equestria at War, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Other, Griffons
Length: 5770

A mad Princess and her skull go on a jaunt... or something.

Katerin is dying a slow and painful death. Amongst the provinces of the Griffonian Empire it is the poorest, most lawless hive of scum and villiany that currently stands. Its economy is in shambles and bandits roam freely across the countryside. These matters are not made any better by the rumors of the plague or the poor health of the Emperor (whom is all that is holding this dying empire together).

A confirmed factor making the province worse is the Mad Princess of the realm who seems hellbent on breaking the already broken province with that damned insufferable skull of hers... wait a minute. Did that skull just talk?
(Now Cross Posted on Ao3)

Cover Art commissioned by Me on Twitter. The Artist is bird_of_north, they do adorable stuff. Check them out.
An Equestria at War Fiction.
Brought to your Personal Computers (and other things) by Lunar Reaper
Featuring-
- Princess Diellza Von Katerinburg (The Mad Princess)(Lover of books) (Let them have Bandits!)
and
- The Glorious Glitterhoof (First of his name)(Most Eligible Inanimate object of 1007)(Tap Dancing Champion of Katerin for 5 years running)

Published 2023-04-16 23:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2024-10-14 23:39:56 UTC

Introduction

Amidst the varied provinces of the Griffonian Empire there rests a city built on a hill. A city on a hill in a province surrounded by mountains. A province that spends half the year buried under snow and the other half drowned under pissing rain and flooding (one can assume from all the melting snow). Its industry is dire, its farming leaves something to be desired and its military is split between various knightly orders. Knightly orders that are constantly at odds with one another to an extent that most spend more time bickering than doing their jobs. Banditry is rather rife in this province and has become one of it unoffical major exports (they ran out of peasants to steal from).

One might say it is a miserable place because of those facts. And one would be right. But I digress... where was I? Ahhh!

So there rests a city on a hill, in a province that has seen better days. Within that city lies the meat of this matter, the big issue, the chain holding it all down and other such sayings. The meat of the matter is the result of tragedy, manipulation and greed but I could rant all day about those things (I have before). The primary issue is that of a young woman (though I believe the term is hen), she is the ruler of this province and due to those previously mentioned things... she is uhhh (Me trying to say this nicely).

Fuck it.

She's stark raving mental. The kind of mental that would get her chucked in a loony bin for the rest of her life. The type of mental derived from trauma and particularly sinister grooming that left her completely detatched from reality. At this point I don't even think electro therepy could do much to wipe the various obsessions and mad tics that haunt her. She is feared and hated, one could find more love for the Riverponies across the reich than they could for her in her own province.

She is Diellza Von Katerinburg, the Mad Princess of Katerin and at this point you must be wondering why I just explaned this all to you (However briefly)?

Don't worry I'm getting to that bit just let me go through the rigamarol once again and then we can finally get to the point of this matter. Now I have told you of this province and of Diellza with little tidbits of the various miscreants who surround her and now I must tell you of me. You see within the city of Katerinburg there sits a gift in the Mad Princesses bedroom, a gift sent by a tom in another province. Within this city upon a hill, resting firmly against the Mad Princesses feathered bosom is a skull.

Specifically a unicorn skull. A unicorn skull that is perfectly polished and decorated (and no doubt devilishly handsome), allowing its bone coloured splendour to light up any room it enters. It is a unicorn skull that under normal circumstances would be doing nothing and yet on that fateful night as the Princess snored and grumbled about unruly peasents, it decided to do something different. Its eye's decided to glow gold for some innane and unknown reason. You might be wondering what that has to do with me or anything at all and for that I believe introductions are in order.

Hi, I'm Glitterhoof and I am a talking magical unicorn skull. I am also the Political advisor to Princess Diellza von Katerinburg. Though I might also be her lover/rival/husband and or enemy depending on what mood she is in. Really I don't know what we are but one thing I do know is that she is my way of staying alive and I'll be damned if I can't help her just a little bit before whatever this is comes to an end.

One other thing I now know is that the golden glowing eye's can't exactly be turned off or down and given my lover/rival/wife and or enemy is currently staring at me I believe there is some explaining to be done. Now one wonders where my lover will go with her questioning? Will my rival decide that a talking Glitterhoof is unfeasible? Will my dearest and most stunning wife spurn me for my new linguistic ability or will my most deplorable enemy finally decide that enough is enough and smite me where I si-

"Glitterhoof, shudup Im tryna sleep" She mumbles grumpily before shutting her gorgeous green eyes. She's blushing now I can see it on her dark feathers and I can't help but be-

I am now on the floor. You know what Diellza I'll be quiet for now, just because you asked so nicely. Enjoy your beauty sleep my beautiful catbirb (you do not need it). And now how the hell do I get to sleep? Do I just sit here and stare into nothingness until the darkness returns? Perhaps I can only sleep by your side Diellza or perhaps I cannot sleep at all. What a horrifying thought. If one can't sleep one can't dream and if one can't dream how can a dream come true?

What hell have I arrived in, how can my dream of being a professional tapdancer ever flourish like this? And how can that dream ever be relised If I do not sleep. I must know the answer to these questions. I will know the answer to these questions, with Borea's as my witness I will- oh hello Diellza how was your sleep?

Ah quite right this box is exactly my size, its as If it was made for me. Imagine that my dear, ohhh it even has a pillow! How exciting! Does the lid come as standard as well or did you have it specially fitted for me? Ah sweet darkness how I have missed you. Though it is rather tight isn't it? Holy Grover this pillow isn't as comfy as it looks... the darkness doesn't seem so comforting anymore.

Diellza my dear I don't think I like this.

Diellza!?

Diellza, are you awake my most hated enemy?

Oh crumbs.

A-head of the Game.

Eventually the darkness of the box begins to lessen as the rim lights with a pale orange. Sure the light from my eye's allowed for a small amount of luminance in this pampered coffin but I had gone to the effort of ignoring it in the hope that it would recede enough for me to sleep. It did not in fact recede during (what I can assume) was the night passing. A shame but not something I ever expected to happen so I can't really say I'm all that bothered. What was I talking about again?

Ahh the fresh glimmering rays of sunlight poking through the cracks of my cosy box. You know apparently across the ocean those long eared leaf lovers think that two tall ninnies raise and lower the sun and moon. Imagine that aye? Two long eared grass eating ponies raising the sun. Just imagine all those dumb ponies thinking that just because other people told them that two random (possibly homeless) mares move celestial bodies. I mean can one even think of such a thing with a straight face? Ponies truly are the worst, so gullible to things with no possible evidence. How could they think that? When clearly the gods raise the sun and moon.

Truly praise be to Boreas... or was it Maar who raises the sun? You know I can't quite remember. Perhaps it was both, or maybe there was another one I'm just not remembering. I'm sure that it will come to me. And so I wait for the box to open. Slowly watching as the pale orange glow changes to yellow and then to white... or does it? Maybe I am just going mad because of the sheer crushing loneliness of existence.

I ponder that thought in a diabolical loop for what feels like hours.

Surely my wife cannot be sleeping this late in the day? She is a Princess and that means she has Princess things to be doing? What do princesses do anyway? Wellllll... Uhhhhh... Maybe?-no...Ok that definitely isn't right. I would shuffle on the pillow or roll my tongue upon the roof of my mouth if I could but sadly I am lacking in the adequate muscles to do such pondering wistful actions. I stare at the changing light again and realise that I don't rightly know what princesses do.

That begs the question of what I do know. I know warfare I believe and... maybe government stuff. How I know those things is completely beyond me, what little of my memory remains is blurred or fragmented and pondering on it sends me spiraling into contemplative silence. The type of silence I despise. A deep reflective silence is far too quiet for my taste (funny considering I can't taste) and often such moments are uniquely unhelpful (given the blurriness or fracturing of said reflections). Instead I content myself with the life of my sworn enemy and those precious memories we will build... before inevitably killing each other.

Shuffling and groaning are heard by my nonexistent ears (don't question the how or the why) and I feel my mind sharpen at the prospect. Ahh finally it only took... uhhh... a few hours. Maybe. I can't tell the time, I'll be completely honest such a thing was not required in my last position (from what little I remember). The shuffling and groaning increase in volume, I feel my teeth clattering in excitement for the day ahead. An elation that reaches its peak as the characteristic thump and clack of gryphon talons touching the wood beyond the box. A yawn, snort and squeak follow the sound of paws on wood. I open my clattering jaw and shout at my loyal lover.

"Diellza! Quick release me from this foul invention." The dull metronome of thumping and clacking ceases as Diellza takes a sharp intake of breath. She huffs near silently before moving to approach my box. Thump, Clack, Thump, Clack, Thump, Clack, Eeeeee, Rustle-Rustle-Rustle, Click, Cha-Chunk, Click, Thump, Clack. The noise stops just as suddenly as it had begun and a larger thump greets me. "You wouldn't make so much noise if you stuck to your diet dearest" I intone helpfully into the void, there is no response.

The small pinprick of light grows larger, turning from a thin line into an awkwardly long rectangle. Something slides into the center of said rectangle but given the light I can't make it out properly, all I can say is that it's cylindrical with a hole into darkness. Diellza mutters to herself, I can't really make it out but she sounds confused and slightly sad. "I didn't mean to insult you my sworn rival, your rear has enough cushion for the pushin, as the peasantry say." I add hoping to reduce the severity of whatever that is. Her muttering stops and she takes a shallow breath, suddenly all is light for a brief moment.

My eyeless gaze adjusts near instantly, allowing me to gaze upon the beauty of my dear lover's grey and ginger complexion. My jaw clacks from nervousness as I focus in on those narrowed pale green eyes. Neither of us speak in those seconds until eventually I can take the silence no longer. "Your looking lovely tod-"

Click- Bang

I would have blinked or flinched if I still had the necessary equipment. Instead I just scream. Diellza in response screeches in surprise and the gun she had just shot me with clatters to the floor... and goes off again. The door guard (who had poked his head in at the first shot) has surprisingly little time to react before he paints the door partially brain matter grey. Some other sod drags the body away and slams the door just as the screaming/screeching stops. I glance at the bullet floating in front of my devilishly handsome face. "You nearly shot me you daft bint."

"You called me fat" She grumbles as she glowers at me "And you woke me up with your incessant ramblings" Her wings splay and her ginger crowne puffs up aggressively. "You should know better than to do such things." She hisses with a growling caw. If I had eye's I would roll them.

"Oh so it's my fault then?" I question sarcastically. "You sho-"

"Yes it is your fault, I'm glad you agre-" She chirps as her wings lower for a moment before shooting right back up as I interrupt.

"That was sarcasm, you don't just shoot people fo-" I clatter before being rudely interrupted.

"I can shoot them If I want, I am zee Princess" She snarls. Pointing an accusing claw at me. "They should be honored to die in such a way" The claw comes closer.

"You shoot people for compliments?" I question with a note of incredulity. Here I go trying to do something nice for my wife by saying she has a nice arse... and this is the thanks I get.

"You compared me to commoners, that is not a compliment" The claw gets closer still, to the point where it nearly touches my empty eyehole.

"It's not enough to shoot someone over!" I bellow and she flinches her face going blank before her rage returns tenfold. The claw gets uncomfortably close to my new flickering magical eye but I am so incensed I do not notice.

"Ve have both shot someone for less" She closes the gap so we are nearly beak to muzzle. I know she is right but I will never admit that to my sworn enemy. She opens her beak to continue spewing the vitriol that a loathsome crow like her would, when suddenly she stops and stares at something. I stop a cutting rebuke as well as I follow her gaze to the object of her interest. There is a bullet, the very same bullet she had shot at me. And it's just sitting there menacingly. Floating in midair nary an inch from the center of my forehead.

"Bullets don't do that!" I blubber intelligently to which my starwalt and intelligent rival nods her head succinctly. Diellza likes to read, that is one of the few things the common people know about her (a common people who are mostly illiterate but reading is for people with eye's). She reads so much that one would think she has more book smarts than any smarts. I don't question her smarts and she in turn doesn't question my previously static nature (Wait don't I have eye's now? Wait nevermind!).

Diellza watches the bullet as she pulls the claw from my eyehole (a claw that had been there at the end of her ranting) and approaches the anomalous object with it. She stops before she can touch it and then out of nowhere decides to just poke the damned thing. Like one would poke a dead rabbit. I feel the object move in my mind and wonder just what devilry I have been beset by. She pokes it again and I feel the claw of my wife tapping against some insane nonsensical force (and a bullet I suppose). What the hell is this witchcraft?

My jaw clacks in shock as I come to a devastating conclusion. This is somehow my doing and by the pope (by the what?) I can't stand that fact. "Witchcraft" I mutter as Diellza pokes the object in the witchfield again. She hums to herself as she goes in for another poke. "This is witchcraft" I mutter louder which seems to get my lover's attention. Her humming slows as her gaze narrows and her beak nearly slams shut.

"Yes this is something of zee sort" Her pale green eye's scan me with an intensity usually devoted to her newest court jester (an older position but she refuses to get rid of it, even though no one goes for the job anymore). "You are doing witchcraft like zee ponehs" She concludes like... like it's the most obvious thing in the world. My panic gains a new level of horror at her conclusion

"This is pony magic!" I nearly shriek in horror, "Make-it-stop-make-it-stop-make-it-stop!" I prattle on before a clawed paw closes my skinless mouth. Diellza has a gleam in her eye, something thirsty and excited for knowledge. I try to struggle and panic like I should be doing but I can't tear my gaze away from hers.

"Glimmer, would you raise zee bullet for me? '' She purrs and bats her eyelashes and I am enraptured by my rival's sheer presence. If I could nod dumbly I would. Instead my magical eye's narrow at the bullet and I feel for the disgusting witchfield that has my sworn enemy so fascinated. Uhhhmmmm go up? I try quietly with little more than my own sense of self. Diellza sits frozen in place with her claws clasped together underneath her beak. She looks different from how she normally does, something about her posture or the gleam in her eyes makes me want to try harder (even if I hate her more than anything).

I focus up and my golden sparkly eye's narrow to mere pinpricks of light. Move up, I grumble in my mind to no effect. Go on move up you insufferable thing I rage at the witchfield and the bullet held within. Diellza tilts her head to the side and speaks but I do not hear her in that moment. I am trying frantically to ask this heretical force to work but as the moments go on and on I realise that I know nothing about such things. This is a fluke one that I cannot understand or bear. Diellza sags slightly out of the corner of my eye. I hold back a clattering snarl as I forget about asking this heretical nonsense to work and do it the old fashioned way.

Rise you damnable, useless, heretical force of sheer worthlessness. I demand the witchforce to work and my disdain only increases as the bullet does not move. Hopelessness builds as the all consuming thought of being beaten by such an abhorrent force of the vile practice of witchcraft slowly becomes a reality. And then a sharp repeated clacking interrupts my focus and the sound of almost hatchlingish giggling distracts me further. I look past the bullet for Diellza and find nothing but the artistic plaster lining the ceiling, as well as the top of the door (still painted slightly grey). I look down and squeak in a way not befitting a gentlehead such as myself. "Too high" I mumble three octaves higher than I ever thought possible.

The floor approaches fast, there is a sharp ding as the bullet hits the floor and then the momentum stops. I find myself yet again face to face with a now beaming lover. "You did zee poneh witchcraft." She laughs excitedly and I laugh with a clatter along with her.

"I did witchcraft" I guffaw in turn with her not even thinking about the consequences of such an act.

"You did witchcraft!" She parrots like a... well a bird.

"I did witchcraft." I say with a small amount of joy as those pesky consequences build in my head.

"Yes you did" She chatters like a newborn.

"I did witchcraft." I repeat blandly. Diellza tilts her head at me seemingly confused.

"Yes zee poneh kind." She mumbles with growing concern.

"I did pony witchcraft" I mutter with growing horror and widening golden eye's. She seems to catch on and for a moment her face falls.

"Zee poneh witchcraft" She shrieks like a banshee into the air. To which I simply float out of her claws slightly and nod grimly. "Ve have zinned, Boreas vill smite us" She holds her claws at the side of her head and screams. Oh Boreas I didn't even think about that, I don't want to get smited. "Zee poneh witchcraft will destroy uz!" She bawls as I start to scream at the sheer horror of this all (though I am still floating).

We both hold each other's gaze so intently that we barely react as the door creaks open. I fall into her waiting claws as we continue before suddenly we both freeze as we both catch the whisper of a barely spoken sentence. "What a nutjob." Diellza turns to the widening blue eye at the door as her face burns with embarrassment and a building rage. The disguised figure at the door seems surprised as the gun floats up as quick as a whip and before the Mad Queen of Katerin can even start shrieking of an assassin. The gun fires.

We both shout insults as the gun clicks empty. We continue to do so for the next two magazines as well. Eventually we come to our senses and Diellza groans. "Gottverdammt not again." The fresh cooling body of my wife's handmaiden lies sprawled at the doorway of the room. Diellza approaches slowly and I float alongside her as she does so. Eventually we stop and look down. I float my skinless muzzle into the side of her face and give her a slightly awkward nuzzle as her eye's grow wet.

She holds a fallen comrade close to her chest and bawls like a cub. I resist the urge to tear up as well (Yes I know I lack tear ducts) before settling on the ground beside her. "It was a good rug Diellza, it will be remembered fondly."

The slightly bloody rug says nothing in response.

Author's Note

Help Wanted.
New Royal Handmaiden Required.
Must know to keep their mouth shut.
Black Bear Skin Rug Required.
To be delivered immediately on the Princesses order.
Praise be to Boreas and the Emperor.

Immovable Object, Meet Heretical Force.

The rug had been removed posthaste after that event, and the body... well that got pulled out after my dear sweet nemesis stopped berating it. I dare not repeat what my noble and honest wife said in that moment but one of such intelligence as I understands that she may have gone a bit overboard. Just a little bit. I mean I have seen her do it for far longer than a simple half hour but that is a story for a different day.

A story that I won't be sharing now, perhaps later when I don't have important business to attend to (but seriously ask me about the diamond dog server later, that shit was hilarious).

Eventually Princess Diellza Von Katerinburg managed to calm down enough, she took the time to straighten her dress and silently motioned for me to follow. It is then that we stumbled into our first obstacle of the day... a door.

Yes, a simple door. No wait, that is a lie. It's a noble and honorable door, one that has defended my lover and myself from various cruel adversaries. It is made of... wood. Yes, wood (they use wood to make doors don't they?) and it is very intricately carved in such a way that makes it very... doory (that's a word, don't question it). It’s in that moment as my sworn enemy approaches said door that I realise that I know nothing about doors and that this entire spiel was a waste of time. Really I only know one thing from memory about them.

And that's how to bash them in (and don't ask how I know that, I haven't a scooby). Now one might wonder why such a thing could be an obstacle and I will put this very bluntly for those illiterate lackwits in the back. Diellza is a smart cookie (sometimes) she just isn't a street smart cookie (she isn't a cookie at all, she's a Gryphon). I will admit that neither am I so when the door didn't open after she gave it a push I was immediately confused.

"Have you tried the handle?" I suggest calmly to which the grey and ginger catbird just snorts and pushes harder, her crown wobbles on her head as she does so.

"I am using the handle, it's just stuck you horn-headed moron." She growls out as I float closer, giving it a good solid look. Yeah. I know fuck all about door handles either. But Diellza has claws and uses these things all the time so this shouldn't take too long. I float up slightly as she rattles the door handle up and down, I'm looking for a latch that she may have missed or a deadbolt but I don't really see much of anything.

"Is it locked?" I ponder more to myself as Diellza, my most horrible enemy holds back a shriek of frustration at her current situation. It had taken her a good little while to calm down last time and I can already tell that she is almost as enraged as before. She shakes the door or attempts to (my dear wife isn't the most physically fit) but only proceeds to rattle the handle further. I resist the urge to clatter my teeth together in the closest thing I can do to a chortling laugh.

I fail tremendously, I also fail to conceal whatever is my non-existent (magical?) voicebox from cackling in a way that seems far higher in pitch than how I talk. Confusion builds as the rattling stops and baleful green eye's turn towards me. I don't have time to dodge the lackluster lunge of my rival and rather quickly find myself caught between two claws. Wherein she begins to shake me vigorously... at the door.

My non-existent eyes narrow as I try to figure out just what my dearest nemesis is planning on doing with me. The world moves up and down a few more times before I finally figure it out. "Diellza are you trying to magic the door open?"

The shaking stops, I am pulled close to her floofy chest and my loving wife takes a sharp intake of breath. "Nein" She grumbles bashfully as she shakes me again at the door halfheartedly. The door remains unmoved.

And other than a few more scratches (and some bullet holes), utterly unharmed. I light my horn and give the handle a turn and a shove, two actions that don't do much of anything. Though I can't say it really bothers me being trapped in a room with Diellza considering all I ever do is follow her about. At least the room is comfortable and lacks gryphons that make my companion uncomfortable (of which there are a multitude in this castle).

"Is there a latch or something we missed?" I offer up halfheartedly (though I don't have a heart) as my dearest wife shakes me once more at the door. I let her continue doing that for a time as I examine our adversary, it's about at the fifth shake or so that I get a brainwave (do I still have a brain?) and light my horn. The shaking stops as Diellza watches with keen interest at whatever I am going to do. I know ponies have magic spells and while those spells are heresy when used to assist the crown it probably isn't (probably).

So against my better judgment I light my horn more.

(Somewhere Nearby)

Today is a great day, thinks Trooper Landt Hess as he marches down the granite tiled floors of Castle Von Katerinburg with a grin on his beaked face. This was the day, his first day, he had finally done enough out in the city to get a transfer to the Castle Guard, a great honour that would only be the beginning of his military career. He was trained and ready for this moment, he wasn't going to let the whispers of old soldiers dampen his high spirits.

He knew they were just exaggerating all those mean things anyway, so they could keep their high wages and warm food to themselves. He was sure that was it and after this first day on the job he would go home to his sweetheart with news on how well he did on his shift and how lovely, royal and kind his liege was. All he had to do was deliver this letter to her door. Do the greeting drilled into him by Sgt Kodger, bow and then leave as quickly as possible to ensure he didn't get in her way.

This was going to be a cake walk (as the equestrians say) and as he raises his claw to the heavy elm door he can't help but shiver excitedly at the prospect of meeting his sworn liege (if only in passing). The guards on either side of the door refuse to meet his gaze and both clutch their rifles tightly in their claws. Hess pays them no mind and chaps the door three times before pausing and tilting his head to the side. He swears he can hear a muffled conversation but being the good soldier he promptly blocks it out (for it isn't his business) and raises his left claw again and chaps the door firmly.

(Glitterhoof)

The door explodes off its hinges and while I would be shocked, I am more relieved that the incessant knocking has stopped. Though it was only three knocks I could feel my reviled enemies growing rage and thought it best to nip that on the bud. Diellza was damn near worthless at anything but yelling when she blew her top and as funny as it would have been to watch, we are most likely late enough as is. I turn back to her and watch as she flattens her dress in preparation of being seen by the peasantry before beginning what I can only imagine she thought was a demure and graceful walk.

Diellza Von Katerinburg is many things but graceful is not one of them.

Many (out of her earshot) claim she walks like a grouchy cub. She stamps and dulls her claws by clacking them on the ground too much. I watch as she does just that as she moves over the fallen whimpering door (must be a new model, the last door didn't whimper) and ignoring the sealed letter clasped in a twitching claw. It's with a hop, stamp and a whimper (on the doors behalf) that she moves onto the polished granite and inspects the hallway. I grasp the letter in my (heretical) magic before floating down beside her.

Some of the guardsmen gawk. Though I am not sure at what, they had seen the vile tart that calls herself Princess before and to be fair she isn't all that ugly (on the outside). I open the letter and peruse its contents, clacking my boney teeth together in little rhythm before stopping and turning towards my dearest Princess. "A report M'lady, some who-hah about a 'Plague' it seems one of the knightly orders wants some more supplies."

"Supplies?" She shrieks as she grasps the letter and tears it to shreds "I already sent them all the leeches they could ever need, who the hell do they think they are bothering me for more?" She snarls before muttering more about 'Leeches' and 'Bloodletting', two things I have no stake in and therefore ignore (because I don't have any blood).

And while I could stop the conversation there I have a problem and that problem is my big fat undead mouth.

"They're half of Katerins current armed forces M'lady and they hold significant weight in your advisory council." I respectfully remind her with what is the closest I can offer in terms of a small smile (Its horrifying). This as it turns out is the wrong thing to remind my dearly beloved of.

"Weight!" She snarls towards the ceiling "I'll show those miserable sycophants weight!" She stamps forward before turning back towards me (it's a good time to note that Diellza doesn't know what the word Sycophants means and neither do I), the guards on either side of the hallway make themselves as small as possible. "The weight of an axe removing all of their heads for even thinking they have a say where my stuff goes!" I nod in agreement even though I think she has entirely missed whatever point I was trying to make.

"Indeed they have no right to say where any of your stuff goes an-" I begin before being interrupted.

"Not the leeches, not the peasants, not the shiny armour and especially not the leeches!" If I had eyes I would roll them, I wasn't going to be the one to tell her that Katerin hadn't used leeches as medicine for close to 50 years (They're actually used in various peasant dishes, all of which sound awful) but I would have to get around to doing it later (after it stopped being funny). I clatter my teeth together, the door whimpers and Diellza huffs.

"They have no right but if we give them some stuff, they'll give us other stuff... like taxes." I float down towards her face and wish I could give her a pout and puppy dog eyes. "You like using taxes to hunt down republicans don't you." Diellza huffs again but nods and stands up (Hunting Republicans is actually a national sport in Katerin). The guards avert their eyes as she straightens out her dress, some stare at me with abject terror that I have never seen before. I wonder why they do so considering they have seen me before but ignore it in favour of floating alongside my princess as she walks.

Before stopping yet again as a thought occurs. "Guards do ensure that the pathetic whimpering door is replaced." Some look at me confused, looking at each other before looking back at me. "It best be replaced by the time court ends and it best not whimper if you value your lives." I offer darkly before returning to my nemesis's side.

Her laugh is an awkward shrill wheezing thing, it's something that sends shivers down the spines of lesser men. I don't even flinch (advantage of not having a spine). After a brief moment I join her in with my own clattering chattering. It's good to laugh now because I suspect we won't be laughing all that long. For ahead of us waits the Council of Katerin, also known as the Katerintreue (while they hold little obvious power, their roles as advisors can not be ignored) and they are one of the few things my darling fears.