Lewd Me, Anonymous

by Jazzmania Chronicle

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Sex, Profanity, Random, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3262

5 times Irish Anon took his clothes off... 5 times the Main 6 were NOT prepared...

After some convincing from the girls, Anonymous decides that it’s finally time to take the plunge and walk around without his clothes on. He starts off small by going shirtless in public and it feels amazing --- especially during an uncomfortable hot day in Ponyville. As the days go on, and he becomes more and more naked, Anon feels more alive than ever. And the fact that Twilight and the others become flustered whenever he’s around? Well, that’s just a bonus.

Inspired by 3lewd5me, performed by Wuten

*Features Irish!Anon but is NOT connected to the main TLSOD universe.

Rated TEEN for strong language and suggestive sexual themes.

Published 2023-05-19 03:50:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-10 00:34:30 UTC

1. Pinkie Pie

Inspired by 3lewd5me, performed by Wuten

This chapter is unbeta'd.

“Hiya, Nonnie!!!”

“Jesus Christ!”

Anon startled out of his seat, alcohol sloshing out of his flask. He’d been sitting peacefully on a bench when the crazy pink nightmare known as Pinkie Pie poked her head out of the bush next to him. She had a big smile on her face, a stark contrast to Anon’s growing scowl. Does this pony enjoy giving people heart attacks?

“For fucks sake, Pinkie,” he yelled. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that?!” He put his flask back into his coat pocket and looked down at his pants. Great. Now it looks like he pissed himself.

Fan-fuckin’-tastic.

“I just wanted to see if you’d remembered the picnic at Fluttershy’s today!” Pinkie hopped onto the bench. She was practically vibrating.

Anon sighed. “Yes, Pinkie. I remember.” As if he could forget, with Twilight nagging him about it for a week straight. Anon didn’t really want to go — he wasn’t a “tea and pastry” kind of guy. But he’d promised Twilight that he would spend time with her and her friends. And he always kept his word … Well, most of the time.

“We should probably get going then,” he said, walking away. “We wouldn’t want to be late.”

“Oh, I’ll walk with you!” Pinkie then began bouncing alongside Anon. She was humming that aggravating song of hers — the one about “smiles, smiles, smiles”. Anon wanted to snap at her to stop but decided against it.

Pinkie could be loud and annoying and sometimes didn’t respect personal space but she meant well. As well as cake-crazed party animal could get anyway.

They walked to Fluttershy’s in silence (with Pinkie’s humming and bouncing as background music). They were halfway to their destination when Anon stopped, wiping his forehead. Pinkie turned to him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just didn’t realize how hot it was.” Anon took his cap off and started fanning himself with it. Wearing his wool overcoat seemed like a good idea at first. Oh, how fucking wrong he was. Moisture ran down his back and sides. He groaned. At least I look good in it.

“Apple juice?”

He looked down to see Pinkie Pie holding out a juice box. She was idly drinking from her own box. He shook his head. “No thanks, Pinkie. I’m not a juice type of person.”

She shrugged and stuck the juice box into her mane. How she could store anything in that mane, Anon will never understand. “Why don't you take your clothes off? You’ll be soooo much cooler.”

Anon blinked. Leave it to Pinkie Pie to say something most would consider vulgar in a casual manner. “I don’t think that’d be a good idea.”

“Why not? It’s perfectly normal for you to be naked here. Everypony does it. Oh, and not just ponies! Gryphons and dragons and zebras and–.”

“Yeah, I know that, it’s just…” Anon paused. Was it really a bad idea? This wasn’t the first time the topic was brought up. Yes, clothing was optional for creatures in Equestria but that really didn't apply to Anonymous. It’s plainly obvious that he wasn’t built the same way as other species. While there have been ponies who’ve seen him in his naked glory, it was always in a more … private setting.

Still, the thought of walking around nude in public was enticing. Maybe he should indulge himself this one time? It was hot out here.

“Are you sure it’s okay?” Anon asked. “My body’s not like a pony’s.”

“Sure I’m sure!” Pinkie smiled wide. “You’re always wearing clothes. It wouldn’t hurt to try it for a day.”

Well, who could argue with that?

“Alright, if you say so. Let me just …” Anon shrugged off the wool overcoat and set it on the ground. Just as he suspected, his shirt was soaked through at the back and armpits. He shucked that off and let out a sigh of relief. He closed his eyes. The breeze was heaven on his skin. Why hadn’t he tried this before?

There was a surprised choking sound and Anon opened his eyes. Pinkie was staring at him with a weird expression on her face. She sat stiffly on the ground, her juice box discarded in front of her. The straw was missing. Did she accidentally swallow it or …?

“Um, well, how do I look?’ Anon held out his arms.

Pinkie swallowed, her smile shaky. “I-I-I … Y-you … You look great! H-how do you feel?”

“So much better. I should’ve done this earlier,” Anon noticed Pinkie’s subtle twitching. “Are you okay? You’re staring at me weird.”

“Oh y-yeah. Yeah!” She waved him off. “I’m fantasterrific! Awesome sauce! Cool beans.”

Anon crossed his arms, a dubious look in his eye. “Really?”

“Yep!”

“Well, then you won’t mind if I take my trousers off as well–.”

“Wait, NO!” Pinkie was suddenly in front of him, standing bipedal and seizing his hands before they could undo anything. They stayed like that for a few moments and then she lowered herself on all fours and laughed nervously. “I mean there-there’s no need for that yet! You should wait before going completely nude. Baby steps, y’know?”

Anon blinked. “Okay then. I was only messing anyway.”

“Oh, totally! I knew that.”

Sure she did. “Pinkie…”

“Wowie, look at the time!” she pulled a pocket watch from … somewhere and held out to him. “We’re gonna be late for the picnic. We shouldn’t keep the girls waiting any longer, yeah? Okay, I’ll meet you there. Bye!”

And just like that, Pinkie sped off in a cloud of dust. Anon stared after her, a surprised look on his face. But then he laughed, slinging his shirt over his shoulder and picking his coat off the ground.

“Mares,” he said to himself, walking away.

Being shirtless was going to get very interesting. He just knew it.

Pinkie Pie ran until she was a good ways away from Anon before stopping. She hid behind a tree and looked around hurriedly. When she was sure nopony was around to see her, she sat down heavily and sighed.

Holy Celestia, what the hell was that?! She thought, her mind racing from the previous events. Shit, shit, shit, why did I say that? He’s so sexy. This is so wrong, I can’t be sexually attracted to him. He’s my friend! Sweet Celestia, he looked so good. I came instantly, twice. Shit, shit, fuck!!!

She slumped to the ground and stared blankly into nothing.

I’m so fucked…

Author's Note

Hey everypony! The sequel to "The After Party" is still in progress so please enjoy this silly random Irish!Anon fic. Thanks again for your patience and I'll see you next time. 🌸🌸🌸

2. Applejack

Author's Note

Big thanks to PsuedoBob Delightus for helping me with this chapter!

Also, if you like Irish Anon, check out The Last Son of Dublin: The After Party or join The Last Son of Dublin Archive!

2. Applejack

Applejack’s back hooves slammed against the tree’s trunk, her muscles straining from the exertion. Shiny red apples fell from the branches and into the baskets below. The cowpony took off her hat and wiped the sweat from her brow. She smiled. Another day of hard work was nearly complete.

She placed her hat back on her head and began loading the baskets onto a wagon nearby. It had only been a few weeks since the harvest began and she could already feel the result of the grueling work on her body. But she didn’t mind. Applejack loved this job, after all. And besides, it wasn’t like she was doing the work by herself (like the last time). She had help from Big Macintosh, Apple Bloom and… and Anonymous.

Fucking Anonymous.

She groaned. It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate the man’s help. It’s just that, ever since the picnic at Fluttershy’s a week ago, things have been… different. Now, Applejack was no prude. Ponies have been walking around as naked as the day they were born since the dawn of time. So seeing somepony without a shirt on shouldn’t have been all that surprising.

But Anon wasn’t a pony.

What should’ve been a calm and relaxing lunch with friends became very tense and awkward when he arrived. The picnic went on normally enough. They ate, chatted, and joked around. At one point, he and Rainbow Dash arm-wrestled each other. But it wasn’t hard to notice the stares some of the girls were giving the shirtless human male.

Rarity’s face wore a constant blush as she held conversation and fanned herself. Fluttershy kept sneaking peeks at Anon when she thought nopony was looking. Twilight (who had a similar blush on her face) tried keeping her attention on the book she was reading, which wasn’t easy with the human’s incessant teasing. And Pinkie Pie was strangely silent the entire time, sitting on the ground with a big smile frozen on her face and her tail twitching.

Applejack found that particular detail to be a bit odd. Usually when Pinkie’s tail twitched, it meant something was about to fall. But nothing happened the entire picnic and Pinkie’s tail still kept twitching. She’d asked the party pony about it when they were cleaning up.

“Oh, that?” Pinkie had waved her off, her tail between her legs. “It’s nothing, Applejack. I was just … just h-holding back a sneeze. Yeah, a sneeze!”

It was an obvious lie but Applejack didn’t fuss about it. Maybe saying the picnic went on normally was a bit of a stretch. Hell, the only other pony who acted normally besides the farmpony was Rainbow Dash. And then there was Anonymous.

Motherfucking Anonymous.

He acted like he didn’t notice anything was wrong but he did. That smug son of bitch knew how his shirtless self was affecting the girls and he loved every second of it. Since then, the man took his shirt off every chance he got, reveling in the attention he received from the ponies of Ponyville. Applejack nickered in annoyance. Anon may have been one of her dearest friends but Sweet Celestia, sometimes she wanted to buck the guy … in the face … repeatedly.

With one final heave and a grunt, she loaded the last basket of apples onto the wagon and closed its rear gate. She then hooked herself up and began pulling the wagon back to the barn. It was at the main dirt path when she came across Big Macintosh. He was pulling his own load of apples, the wagon’s bed piled high with the fruit.

Applejack fell into step beside him. “Good harvest, Mac?”

“Eeyup. You?”

She nodded. “As good as always.” She looked toward the path behind them. “Is Anon and Apple Bloom close behind?”

“Eenope, they finished before I did,” Big Mac chewed absentmindedly on the straw in his teeth. “Hard workers, them two.”

“They finished before you? Big Macintosh?” she snorted. “You sure you ain’t just getting slow at your old age? Maybe you should be in a rocking chair with Granny.”

He elbowed her but it was with a playful grin and she laughed. They continued on down the dirt path. When they made it to the barn, Anon and Apple Bloom were already waiting for them. The human was lounging inside of his own wagon, idly juggling three apples in his hands. Apple Bloom was watching him intently, the filly clapping her hooves in awe. Winona sat next to her.

The three looked up when Applejack and Big Mac approached.

“Applejack, Applejack!” Apple Bloom ran up to her older sister, Winona following close behind. “You shoulda seen us! We collected a bunch of apples today. Maybe even more than Mac!”

Big Mac chuckled quietly to himself. He nodded to Anon and wheeled his load of apples into the barn. Winona ran after him, the small dog barking happily along the way.

“I’m happy to hear that you two put in a lot of hard work,” Applejack said, ruffling her sister’s mane.

“Actually,” Anon chimed in, still juggling. “I was the one who put in the hard work. She wasn’t much help.”

Apple Bloom turned to him. “I did too help!”

“Sure you did.”

The filly then blew a raspberry at him and he laughed. Applejack took a good look at Anonymous. Now that she and Big Mac had arrived, he was sitting up straight. He was wearing his usual trousers and combat boots (is that what Rarity said they were called?), and his cap was perched on his head. And he was shirtless (just like he’d been every day this past week).

Applejack didn’t want to admit it but she couldn’t stop staring. He wasn’t overly muscular but he did have a strong body. As he juggled, she could see the muscles working under his skin. She swallowed. Applejack couldn’t deny how handsome he was.

Anon noticed her staring and he winked at her. She quickly looked away. Dammit, AJ! Don’t let him see you sweat now…

“Applejack! How are you doing this fine afternoon? You’re looking good as always.”

“I’m doing well, Anon. Thanks for asking,” Applejack replied, keeping her voice as steady as possible. “Apple Bloom, why don’t you head inside and see if Granny needs any help?” Her sister nodded and started towards the other side of the barn.

“Hey, Apple Bloom, catch!” Anon tossed an apple in the filly’s direction. Apple Bloom caught it in her teeth and smiled.

“Thanks, Anon!” she waved at him and continued on her way.

Applejack absently unhooked herself from the wagon. After dusting herself off, she walked up to the human. He had stopped juggling and was now eating one of the apples. He held the last one out to her when she came close.

She shook her head. “You go ahead, sugarcube.”

“Suit yourself, love.” He took another bite of the apple. The fruit’s juice ran down his chin, some droplets dripping onto his chest. Applejack had the sudden urge to grab him a handkerchief. Or maybe she could lick the juices off herself— wait, what?

She choked a little on her saliva, her eyes going wide. Where on Goddess’ green Earth did that come from?! She cleared her throat and scrambled quickly for what to say.

“Th-thanks again for helping us today, Anon,” she said. “It’s very much appreciated.”

“No need to thank me, AJ. That’s what friends do, after all.”

“Apple Bloom didn’t give you any trouble, did she? She can be a hoofful.”

“Nah, she was grand. She was actually a big help, to be honest. She even tried bucking a few trees herself.”

She nodded. “Yeah, that girl’s been trying to do that for a while now. Even though I keep telling her she isn’t strong enough, she still keeps trying. I reckon she didn’t hurt herself?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. She’s tough like her siblings.”

“And how about you? You didn’t hurt yourself?” Her eyes ran down his slightly bruised and sweaty body… before she realized where her mind was going and blinked. Celestia-dammit, Applejack! Stop with the hanky-panky.

“I’m a little sore but I’ll live,” Anon finished his apple and rolled his shoulders. “Ramming my shoulder into a tree isn’t as easy as it looks. I don’t know how you’re able to walk after bucking apples for hours at a time.”

Bucking apples… Right…

Applejack mentally kicked herself when her mind tried going to the gutter… again. “Years of practice and hard work, sugarcube. A-and if you think you’re a little sore now, just wait ‘til you wake up tomorrow. The morning after a hard day’s work can be rough.”

“As someone who’s familiar with hangovers and concussions, sometimes both at once, I think I’ll manage just fine.” He said, biting into the other apple. More juices dripped down his chin and Applejack tried her damndest not to look.

“I-I’m sure you will, Anon.” She chuckled nervously. Not sure if she could continue the conversation without embarrassing herself, she decided this was a good time to leave. “Well, if you excuse me, I have to unload these apples before heading inside. Say hi to Twilight and Spike for me, will ya?”

“Why the rush? We were just getting comfortable.”

“S-sure but Granny might need help getting supper ready.”

“Didn’t you send Apple Bloom to help her?”

Applejack paused. “Yes… but I-I need to make sure she isn’t making that big of a mess. The filly can be a nightmare in the kitchen, you know?”

“You okay, AJ? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to get away from me…”

Dammit, he’s onto me... “Of course not, sugarcube. I just have a lot of work to finish up. You know how it is.”

“You sure I can’t convince you otherwise? I can be very persuasive.”

Before she could think of all the things he could do to persuade her to stay, she turned away from him. “Sorry, sugarcube. But I’ve been around this rodeo for so long that sweet talk doesn’t work on me anymore.” She hoped it wasn’t painfully obvious that she was trying to convince herself more than him.

“Oh, is that so?” Before the mare could say anything more, Anon scooped her up into his arms, cradling her like a baby with her legs up. Applejack was completely mortified.

“Hey, Anon, what the hell?!” she cried, flailing her legs around frantically. She stopped when Anon brought her face closer to his. He stared deep into her emerald eyes. She gulped.

“Sweet talk doesn’t work on you, eh?” he purred, an alluring grin on his face. “I guess I’ll have to try something else then.”

Applejack became increasingly aware of how warm Anon’s body was. He’d picked her up like she weighed nothing and he held her firmly against his chest. She could feel the sweat on his skin, the moisture soaking into her fur. They were nose-to-nose to each other and the smell of apples was on his breath. She was so engrossed in his stare that she didn’t realize her hat had fallen off.

Come on now, AJ, don’t blush, don’t blush. Don’t you DARE blush in front of him! Don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you flustered. Just stay calm, just stay–!

He kissed her on the nose.

FFUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!! Applejack’s face heated up immediately, no doubt her cheeks were a fiery shade of red. She could’ve sworn she felt herself die inside. As quickly as he’d picked her up, Anon sat her back down on the ground. She stood stock-still as he placed her hat back on her head.

“You’re probably right, AJ,” he said, trying to keep a smile off his face. “It’s getting late, so I’ll just head home – and let Tink and Spike know you said hi, yeah? Cheers!”

He walked off, heading to the exit of Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack watched him leave, her face still filled with shock. A cough sounded behind her and she turned. Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom were standing right there. Her sister was holding back a giggle and her brother wore a smirk on his face.

Applejack glared at them. “Not… one… word.”

“Eeyup.”

“Sure thing, sis.”

Applejack then walked back to her wagon, hooked herself up, and finished wheeling her load of apples into the barn. Her nose still tingled from the kiss Anon gave her. She grumbled.

Motherfucking Anonymous…