The Kiss Heard Round Ponyville
Twilight had just spent the better part of 10 minutes shifting and adjusting in her seat, her hot tea steaming on the tray beside her, attempting to find the most optimal and comfortable posture as she prepared to finally relax and read the latest "Daring Do" novel which she had received in the mail.
Finally, she felt it. That little jolt of euphoria running down her spine and in to her tail that signified she was sitting just right. She levitated her tea to her upturned lips and took a small sip. Just then, a loud 'bang' caused her to jump, spilling the tea all over her coat and her favorite chair.
"DARLING!" A shrill, panicked voice rang out. The voice belonged to the frantic white unicorn who was currently scrambling towards Twilight at high velocity. "Darling, we MUST speak at once! It's absurd! It's unbelievable! It's... It's..." Rarity paused just long enough for a flat-faced, tea-soaked Twilight to interject.
"Let me guess. It's 'The. Worst. Possible. Thing.'?" She said with a sigh, lowering her now empty tea cup to it's tray with a look of utter stoicism plastered on her face.
"Well..." Rarity lingered on the word. "I wouldn't say it's the worst thing. Or, even a bad thing. Frankly, I'm so shocked by the revelation I haven't figured out what to make of it!" "Rarity's eyes widened as she finally looked up at the damp Twilight. "Oh dear, you really should be more careful with your tea. You could burn yourself, Darling!"
Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Yeah. You sure can." She summoned a towel in a magic poof as she spoke. "So, what's this news that's got you so riled up?"
"You simply will not believe it, Twilight. I tell you, you won't! I witnessed it with my own two eyes, and I still don't believe it!" Rarity began pacing back and forth, eyes staring blankly at the floor in front of her hooves. "I never thought I'd see the day..." She muttered.
"For Pete sake, will you just tell me what happened? Please?" Twilight leaned back in her seat, dabbing her coat with the towel as she prepared for yet another one of Rarity's lengthy tales that ultimately culminate in nothing of substance.
"Well, I'm hosting a fashion show at the boutique next week, and of course I'll need refreshments for the guests, no? Of course, my first thought was to offer the business to our good friend Applejack! She could sell me 20 barrels of cider, maybe some apple fritters... Truly, a beneficial opportunity for the both of us."
"Mmhmm." Twilight nodded. "And then?"
"When I got to Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack was nowhere to be found! She wasn't in the west orchard, the east orchard, or even the farmhouse. So I decided to snoop a bit and went around the house to peek at the back porch." Rarity's voice hitched and she went deathly pale. "They... They..." At that moment, Rarity threw a hoof over her forehead and collapsed. This time, though, there was no convienient fainting couch to save her. She hit the floor with an ungraceful thud.
"They what? Who is they?" Somehow, Twilight's patience had run even thinner than it had been before.
"Applejack and Rainbow Dash..." Rarity grunted, rising back to her hooves. "They were KISSING!"
Silence lingered between the two. Twilight simply stared expectantly at Rarity, who herself was awaiting some grand reaction to the bomb she had just dropped.
"And?" Twilight asked, certain there was more to the story.
"AND!?" Rarity echoed. "What the heavens do you mean 'AND'!?"
"And... What else?" Twilight urged.
"There is nothing else! Our friends were kissing! On the lips! Passionately!"
Twilight closed her eyes and sighed heavily.
"That's it? That's the whole story?" Twilight's voice was flat and disinterested.
"Of course it's the whole story! How are you not absolutely, positively flabbergasted right now?"
"Look..." Twilight placed a hoof to her temple and began rubbing in small circular motions, attempting to massage away the rising headache she could feel being induced. "It's not much of a secret that Applejack and Rainbow Dash... Like each other. They say they're just really close friends and that it's totally platonic, but... Everypony sees right through it."
"W... Wha?" In a twist of events she could never have predicted, Rarity was the one who was flabbergasted. "Y... You knew?"
"Everypony knows. We just don't say it. Fluttershy, Pinkie and myself all decided it was best we let them go public when they felt the time was right. We kinda just... Let them believe they have a secret. It's kinda cute watching them sneak around like school fillies. Always giving each other a wink and a nudge, running off together to 'exercise' or 'work'." Twilight smiled a bit thinking about her friends and their relationship. She was happy for them.
"Even fluttershy and Pinkie Pie knew about this!? How have I been so blind? And I call myself a romance aficionado?" Rarity plopped down on her hindquarters as the room began to spin around her.
"I mean... I would've clued you in, but... I kinda thought you knew." Twilight said, matter-of-factly.
"How long?" Rarity said just above a bewildered whisper.
"How long have we known, or how long have they been an item?" Twilight tossed the towel across the room in to a bin, silently patting herself on the back for actually making the shot.
"Both, I suppose."
"Well, I couldn't tell you exactly when they made it official. And quite honestly, they probably couldn't either. I think they really did start out as the super close friends they claim to be, and then it just morphed in to something more over time." Twilight floated over a fresh kettle of tea in her magical aura. She then saw the state of utter shambles Rarity appeared to be in, and promptly incinerated it to levitate a bottle of wine over instead.
"And... And how did you find out?" Rarity took the wine bottle from Twilight's aura and poured herself a glass that was just a little too full, yet not full enough.
"Remember my very first running of the leaves?" Twilight poured herself a glass as Rarity nodded. "Well, they told everypony they fell so far down the running order because they were too busy messing with each other to focus on running. Thing is, I was slow enough that I was back there with them, so I know the truth. I saw them behind some shrubs. They were messing around alright. Just not in the way that you thought."
"Dear Celestia!" Rarity shrieked. "You saw them... Making... L..." Rarity almost fainted again as she attempted to say 'love'.
"Oh yeah." Twilight confirmed. "They were doing WAY more than just kissing. Luckily I don't think they heard me. I mean, how could they have over the moans..."
"Twilight! Enough!" Rarity interrupted. "That's our friends you're talking about!"
"I'm just being honest about what I saw. And hey, you're the one who asked." Twilight shrugged as she took a few swigs of her wine.
"I... I dread to ask, but I must know." Rarity downed her entire wine glass, then poured another. "How did poor, sweet, innocent Fluttershy find out about this little secret before myself?"
"A little birdie told her." Twilight forcefully levitated the wine bottle away from Rarity, not wanting to deal with a drunken mare on this particular night.
"Who?" Rarity asked, eyes returning from the bottle which was floating away from her.
"A little birdie. Literally. She can talk to them, remember?"
"Oh... And Pinkie?" The look on Rarity's face was almost one of sadness and disappointment. How could she have missed something so obvious for so long?
"Pinkie has her Pinkie sense, y'know? It tells her all sorts of things. It just so happens one of those things is when two ponies have recently..." Twilight trailed off, searching for the least offensive wording for her distraught friend. "Fornicated." She settled on, after a moment.
"she... She knows that?" Rarity's eyes grew as her lips curled in to something between a cringe and outright disgust.
"Mmhmm." Twilight swished her wine in it's glass in little circles. "Ever noticed her acting a bit weird around you before? It's because she knows what you did that day."
"And she tells you these things?"
"Sometimes. Assuming she's not lying, you've been pretty busy, eh Rare?"
"Hush! My love life is none of your business!" Rarity pouted.
"And yet Applejack and Rainbow Dash's is somehow yours?"
"Touché." Rarity conceded. "It's just... This changes things, does it not? Friends dating friends is a recipe for disaster! What if something happened between them? Our whole friend group could implode!" Rarity motioned her hooves in an 'explosion' gesture.
"Rarity, we aren't just your run-of-the-mill friends who met each other at work or at the park. We're bound by the elements of harmony. Even if AJ and Rainbow decided they didn't want to be a couple anymore, I doubt it would be on anything but mutual and positive terms."
Again, silence fell as Rarity composed herself to comprehend everything she'd learned thus far. Twilight enjoyed the brief interval, sipping her wine and eyeing up the 'Daring Do' novel she hoped she'd be reading sooner rather than later.
"Twilight, darling. You say it's best to let them make their relationship known when they feel comfortable. But, if what you say is true, it's been years! Are they ever going to tell us? I don't know how long I can bare the weight of this secret thrust upon my shoulders."
"Eventually, I'd assume." Twilight pursed her lips. "But you're right, it has been going on for a long time. I would've expected them to say something by now."
"Perhaps they're worried about what we'll think? They might think we won't approve!"
"Oh, please." Twilight dismissed. "Why would they think that? After all, we're all friends with Vinyl and Octavia."
"Vinyl and... Octavia?" The cogs began turning in Rarity's head, but all they produced was empty, pointless steam. "What would that have to do with such matters?"
"Oh, c'mon... Really?" Twilight sat up straight, almost laughing a bit. "They're together, Rarity! They're a couple!"
"N... No they aren't." Rarity denied. "They're just roommates, right?"
"Yeah, roommates who sleep in the same bed and share an insurance plan."
"My stars! I never would have guessed!" Rarity placed booth hooves on her head in shock, but then relaxed. "Good for them, it's wonderful that they've found each other. They should have some sort of nickname! Perhaps... Octa-Scratch!"
There were moments in her life where Twilight would turn to look directly in to a non-existent camera, as if she was the star of a sitcom or a reality show. A little habit she developed to amuse herself. This was one of those moments.
"You're not messing with me, are you?" Twilight asked. "You seriously didn't know?"
"I swear." Rarity placed a hoof over her heart. "I had no idea... I truly have been so oblivious that it's borderline shameful."
"Now you've got me curious. You know about Lyra and Bonbon, right?" Twilight leaned forward.
"WHAT!?" Rarity's head recoiled in sheer surprise.
"YOU WERE AT THEIR WEDDING! HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THEY WERE TOGETHER!?" Twilight snapped.
"That was a wedding?" Rarity's head tilted innocently.
At that, Twilight floated over another bottle of wine. She chugged down a fair few gulps, and then threw it casually behind her where it shattered the same as Twilight's faith in pony-kind.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cake." Twilight said flatly.
"Don't be silly, darling. Of course I knew they were a couple! The stork brought them those babies, didn't it?"
"The stork?" Twilight blinked a few times.
"Oh ho ho, Twilight, you say I am the one ignorant to romance? The stork is where babies come from, dear." Rarity leaned back in her seat with a smug look on her face. Twilight once again looked at the invisible camera.
"Riiiight." Twilight said patronizingly. "Is that all, Rarity? I was kind of in the middle of something when you showed up, and I'd like to get back to it."
"Oh?" Rarity's ears perked up as a sly grin crested her lips. "Did you have a 'Very-Special-Somepony' over? Where are they?" She said with excitement, eyes scanning around the room.
"Rarity, no. Not everything has to do with romance and relationships. I was just trying to read a book. If you wanna know more about Applejack and Rainbow Dash, you should go talk to Fluttershy."
"Oh, I tried." Rarity waved a hoof. "She was busy wrestling with Discord. They really are the best of friends!" Rarity said with a smile.
Twilight looked at the camera.
Author's Note
Wow. It's been over a year since I posted anything. Time, uh... Time flies. Since I've last posted, a lot has changed - But the biggest change of all has been my mindset. I'm not the same "AnonymousPen" that made this account anymore, and I'm not the same guy who started watching that weird show about the talking horses all those years ago. Regardless, this fandom has provided a ton of familiarity and comfort through some turbulent years. This Fanfic might not be my best work, in fact I'm sure it isn't. I'm hoping that as I get back in the swing of things, I can get better and write something as good as my other stories. That said, giving up perfectionism is one of the changes I've made, so I might still post stories so long as I deem them passable and I had fun writing them. This is another comedy, largely in the same vein as "Drinks in a Farmhouse". Yes, Rarity is a bit out of character... And that's the point. Don't be too upset, haha. Thanks for reading, and as always, feedback and criticism welcome.
