Author's Note
Go listen to the song that inspired this fic!
https://youtu.be/r8JLa4X7yXQ
Finding Forgiveness
I galloped as fast as my hooves would carry me, already exhausted from the breakneck speed I had to maintain to escape. I had no idea where I was going, had no inkling of what I should do, but I ran nonetheless. Twilight Sparkle and her stupid friends had ruined everything. My town, my friends... they all hated me. The utopia it'd taken me years to construct was gone in an instant, taken away by the self-righteous Princess of Friendship and her meddling friends.
It wasn't right Starlight, you know that. The rage I felt toward the lavender alicorn was only eclipsed by my own conscience stacking guilt on my shoulders. How could I have tricked them like that? It's not like I had a grudge against them or anything. I just wanted...
"Sunburst..." Tears fell from my eyes as I ran aimlessly through the darkness of the cavern. I just wanted my friend back, but the appearance of his cutie mark had taken him away from me, so I made new friends. They didn't seem to mind, so I couldn't really see what the problem was. They were happy... weren't they?
Really, Starlight... really? I was unable to see the small puddle of water in the pitch black cave, even with my horn illuminating the way as best it could.
"CRAP!" Stepping in the frigid water caused me to lose my balance, sending me careening into the unforgiving ground. Smashing my nose into the rocks and pebbles that littered the floor was both painful and embarrassing, even with no one around to witness it.
Nice job.
"Oh, shut up!" I wiped the debris that clung to my face before sitting and wrapping my forelegs around myself. The radiating pain in my head made it even harder to see through the darkness as my horn's light began to pulse with the pain I felt. Why did all this have to happen? I was happy. Everything was perfect.
You can't possibly be that naive, the voice in my head had gotten significantly more bold since I'd met Twilight Sparkle. I'd been able to force down my guilt fairly well for years, but now... Despite the headache, I shook my head ferociously in an attempt to chase away the annoying thoughts.
"Of course I'm not..." I groaned, the ache in my head too harsh to bear any longer, especially with me tossing my head around like a madmare. I'd screwed up. There was no way around it, but the real question was whether or not I admitted it because I'd been exposed as the manipulator I was, or because I really wanted to acknowledge and repent of my sins.
"Would you even speak to me if you knew what I'd done?" I sighed. Was there even a point in asking? Obviously he wouldn't. I didn't deserve anyone's friendship. Not after what I'd done. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die.
So you're just gonna give up? It would be the easiest thing to do. Just run away, hide like the disgrace I was. Twilight would probably put out a decree declaring me a criminal. For all I knew my life was already over. Who knows? I could be rotting in a dungeon by the end of the week.
"Maybe I should." I slumped over, about to curl into that ball.
NO! I was caught off guard by my own inner voice's yell, the surprise causing me to straighten up instantly. That's not who you are Starlight! That... was true. I might be a monster that enslaved an entire town of peaceful ponies, but I wasn't a quitter. I stood to my hooves, determination flooding into my heart.
It might be the worst idea I'd ever had. It might just confirm my deepest fears and completely break me. It might even cost me my freedom and the rest of my life, but I would see it through. It was several years too late but... It was time I go see him.
__________________________
Getting off the train and surveying the station around myself made me feel even more self-conscious than I'd felt all week. It'd been about a month since I'd lost control of my town and was forced to run away with my tail tucked between my legs. I wasn't sure if Twilight had taken any measures to have me brought to justice, but I wouldn't put it past the prissy princess.
The Crystal Empire. The rest of Equestria was so vast and populated that blending in elsewhere had never been an issue. Princess Cadance's land on the other hand was a lot tighter knit a group, not to mention the citizens of the empire mostly consisted of earth ponies so wandering around with a horn could possibly draw unwanted attention my way.
Plus Cadance was Twilight's sister-in-law and Prince Shining Armor her brother. If the alicorn had told anyone about me or my transgressions it would probably be one of them... or more likely that dictator Celestia, but she was hundreds of miles away so that shouldn't be a problem for me.
It'd taken a while to figure out where Sunburst was currently living, my search finally leading me to the Crystal Empire. It wasn't like I could just give him a call or write him a letter to find out. It'd been around twenty years since we'd been separated and not once had either of us tried to contact the other... at least I hadn't. I had no clue if he'd tried to reach out to me.
Leaving the train station and trotting around the vibrant city had me more on edge than I'd ever been before. I knew there were no eyes on me, but it sure felt like there were. My paranoia had become so severe it'd driven me to go so far as to change the way I styled my mane.
Logically speaking, with a different style, maybe I wouldn't be identified so easily if I was spotted by someone who knew about my past. The real problem was the Crystal Empire itself. It was so beautiful even I was having trouble not looking around like a giddy tourist.
"What a pretty city," I remarked to no one in particular. The streets were lined with sparkling crystals and even some buildings looked to be built out of the same materials. It was quite a sight to behold, a rainbow of brilliant gemstone architecture.
I had gotten a rough location and a vague description of the house I was searching for, so finding it wouldn't be as easy as I'd like, but shouldn't be too difficult to find. Still, I'd never visited the Crystal Empire so everything was alien to me, including basic directions.
After wandering around the city without a clue of which way I should be going for longer than I'd like to admit, I found myself in the center of a bustling marketplace, countless shops and even some makeshift kiosks and carts peppering the area. I considered asking for directions, but there were way too many ponies around and I was getting more antsy by the second.
"MISS! EXCUSE ME, MISS!" I froze up, a stallion's burly voice calling out from somewhere behind me. He couldn't be trying to get my attention, could he? There was no way I'd been recognized so quickly in such a foreign place. "MISS!" My heart plummeted into my stomach when the calls persisted.
I kept my head low as I quickly trotted down a back alley, praying I wasn't the intended target of his shouts. I really didn't need this right now, especially since I still didn't know if I was a wanted mare.
What do I do, WHAT DO I DO!? I came to a dead end, my eyes flittering all around for a possible escape route, but finding only a brick wall. I could just teleport, but being in unfamiliar territory made that sound like a terrible idea. I couldn't just randomly shift my location without knowing where to reappear, and had no idea what the intricacies of this area were.
"MISS!?" The stallion was nothing if not persistent.
Please, just leave me alone... I had to do something about him, but wh-
"Miss Glimmer, is that-" I whirled around, my horn glowing with a teal aura as I blasted the pony directly in his chest. His eyes shot open in shock before slowly falling closed. Without speaking another word he fell onto his side limply. The mention of my name had caused me to panic. I cautiously walked up to the stallion, cold sweat dripping from my brow.
Don't tell me you... No, I hadn't. I couldn't. I may be a monster and a slave-driver, but I wasn't a... I knelt down next to him, getting a closer look. The steady rise and fall of his chest coupled with the low snoring sound coming from his head sent a wave of relief through my body.
"See, I just put him to sleep." Examining him closely didn't help with identifying the stranger, so how he knew about me was beyond... wait...
The memory was hazy at best, but I did recall a stallion that looked somewhat similar to him that had passed through my town about a year ago. He was a traveling merchant that'd tried to sell some shoddy trinkets. What horrible misfortune that I'd met him here of all places and at a time like this no less.
Are you just gonna leave him here like this?
"He'll be fine. He should wake up in a little while." I stepped around his slumbering body as I moved to leave the alleyway.
Unless someone comes by and robs him... or worse.
"This is the Crystal Empire," I groaned. "I'm sure there's not a pony that evil in the entire city."
You're here... I stopped in my tracks, my own blunt attitude hitting me right in the gut.
"Ugh! Fine!" I left the alley in a hurry to find someone that could help.
__________________________
The guard I'd found had been more than helpful when I stumbled up to him with fake tears in my eyes. Not only did he provide me with more precise directions to, "the princesses most trusted advisor, Sunburst's" home, but he also quickly went to help the incapacitated stallion, all without grilling me on who I was or what had happened.
"Finally, a stroke of luck!" I cantered up to the house, it's appearance... very unique compared to the rest of the homes in the empire. Sort of looking like a wizard's cap, it also kind of resembled a mushroom and was rather... small... or quaint, if I was being kind.
Are you ready for this? I couldn't help but doubt myself as I walked up to the door.
"No..." I really wasn't. My heart was pounding, my lips were chapped, my hooves were sweating, but none of that mattered right now. I took the deepest breath I could, in through my nose, exhaling out of my trembling mouth before licking my dry lips. "but it's now or never." I knocked hard three times with a trembling hoof.
The drawn out silence that ensued felt like an eternity of torment. More sweat dripped from my forehead as my anxiety began to get the best of me. Maybe he wasn't home. Or maybe this wasn't even his house. Or maybe he knew it was me and he didn't want to see me.
"I should probably just go..." I turned on my hoof, totally ready to abandon this pointless endeavor when the door behind me slowly creaked open.
"Uhm, hello?" The voice that came from inside the house was gruff, masculine, and caused me to become as stiff as a board.
"Er, sorry, wrong house!" I squeaked without turning around to face him before hurrying to walk away.
"S-Starlight is... is that you?" I thought his voice had surprised me, but the fact that he'd remembered my name nearly made me fall onto my face. I wanted to run, to get away from my past, but instead I just... stopped. "Starlight Glimmer?" He called out again.
I looked over my shoulder to view the stallion, my eyes wide at what met them. His coat was a honey colored tint, white just above his nose and on his hooves. His perfectly brushed mane and tail were both a mixture of dark orange and maroon. He wore large round silver spectacles on his face, his teal eyes curious and kind. A starry cape covered his body.
"Sunburst..." It was him. My heart was pumping so hard I could hear it in my ears. "You remembered..."
"How could I forget my very first friend?" The smile he flashed at me was brilliant. "I'd really like it if you'd stay awhile," he opened the door wide. "We can do some catching up."
I wanted nothing more than to go inside and speak with him, that's why I'd come here after all, but I was so scared. What if I screwed everything up? What if I said the wrong thing and we fought? What if I made him mad and he didn't want to be my friend anymore? I had nothing, had no one else, at least if we never interacted again I could pretend we were still on good terms.
"I..." I had turned and walked back to the door without realizing. I don't know what I was planning, but my body was most definitely not doing what my mind was telling it. "that sounds lovely." He smiled as he drew me into a very polite hug.
"It's so good to see you again," he said as he drew back, moving aside to welcome me inside.
"You too," I walked in before he closed the door behind us and lead me through the house. "It's been quite a while, hasn't it?"
"It certainly has," he chuckled as he lead the way. "I hope you don't mind, I do have another visitor right now."
"Oh," I was a little saddened by that. Of course he'd have others in his life. He wasn't a pathetic failure like I was. It was probably some beautiful marefriend he was planning on getting married to soon. "That's fine, I can come back another time, if you want."
"That's alright," he winked at me, making my heart flutter. "I'm sure the two of you will get along splendidly." As we entered a living room I felt my already stressed heart start pounding like a jackhammer. I really, really, REALLY wish it'd been his marefriend. My jaw went slack as I lost my equilibrium. "Starlight Glimmer, meet the Princess of Friendship, Twilight Sparkle."
"Wagh," was the only sound my mouth would produce as my mind began trying to reboot itself over and over again. It failed to make any headway each and every time. Twilight comfortably sat on a couch, a small tea cup hovering in front of her in a field of telekinesis. Her eyes were wide, the rest of her body motionless.
That was it then. I was already in enemy territory being in her sister-in-law's empire and now here she was, right in front of me, staring me in the face. Even if I managed to escape she'd tell Sunburst what I'd done. He'd never want to speak with me again after finding out the truth.
Don't cry! I couldn't help it. It was over, it was all over. My head fell as my tears spilled to the floor below.
"Starlight! What's wrong!?" Sunburst rushed to my side, his genuine concern for me making my heart ache even more.
"Is everything okay?" Twilight asked as well. I looked up at the alicorn, sniffling as I wiped my face with a foreleg. What was she doing? She didn't look shocked anymore, her face now only one of concern as well.
"Sorry," I finished cleaning off my face. "I guess I'm just a little overwhelmed. I haven't seen my best friend in so long and now I'm meeting one of the princesses," I smiled, but it felt as artificial as it was. Sunburst let out a relieved sigh.
"Thank Celestia, I thought I'd done something wrong... or that you two were mortal enemies or something," he laughed so hard he had to wipe away tears of his own. Twilight and I didn't laugh, instead we just continued to stare at one another. I could sense no animosity coming from her, no loathing, just... confusion. "Okaaaay, bad joke," he said once his guffaws had died down. "Um, go ahead and have a seat Starlight, I'll go prepare some more tea." He lifted the kettle from the small table in the center of the room before making his exit.
"Right here will be fine," Twilight patted the couch next to herself, the look on her face telling me she wasn't asking. I walked over nervously and sat down, though I had considered bolting, if only momentarily.
"What are you doing?" I kept my voice as low as possible, my eyes facing ahead.
"What are you doing?" she retorted, the sudden look of frustration on her face making me wince. "Are you here to steal his Cutie Mark too?" My head fell yet again. It may have been harsh, but it's not like she didn't have the right to ask me something like that.
"N-no... I..." I wanted so badly to get up and leave. This was a mistake and fate in all it's cruelty was clearly just out to get me. "I didn't mean..." She wouldn't understand. She could never understand. She had so many friends. She was the Princess of it for crying out loud. "...he's my friend."
"Your friend?" she'd calmed down a bit, but there was still a hint of irritation in her voice. I couldn't blame her. Not after what I'd done to her and her friends. "Does he... does he know what you did?"
"We haven't seen each other since we were foals," I shook my head weakly. "And we haven't kept in touch either." She was quiet for a while.
"Starlight?" When she spoke again her tone was much softer than before. I lifted my head to find her smiling kindly. "Why are you really here?" she asked, but the way she did so made it seem like she already knew the answer.
"I-"
"Alright!" Sunburst suddenly leaping into the room with the kettle and another teacup was more startling than it should have been. "Tea's ready, hope you like it hot!" He placed both on the coffee table before taking a seat on a recliner across from us. "So how are you two getting along?" He sat forward with an excited smile as he lifted his own teacup to take a drink.
"Uhh," my brain seemed to short circuit again as soon as he was in the same room as me and Twilight, probably due to the fact that I didn't want them to interact with each other at all. He looked at me like I was about to have a mental breakdown, which I guess, wasn't too far from the truth.
"Actually," Twilight cleared her throat, drawing his attention away from me. "Starlight was just telling me how close you two were when you were foals. What was that thing you said you did together all the time Starlight?"
I looked at her with wide eyes, completely baffled by her sudden question as well as the way she was acting. I shifted my eyes between her and Sunburst several times before replying. Just what the heck was she talking about?
It was obvious she was trying to lead me, especially when she started jerking her eyes toward Sunburst, egging me on. I had to think of something fast and there was only one thing I remembered that had been a constant in our foalhoods.
"OH! Um, Dragon Pit?" I smiled awkwardly, trying to go along with... whatever game she was playing.
"That's the one!" Her face lit up as she pointed a hoof at me and nodded.
"Oh right! I remember Dragon Pit," Sunburst laughed. "We used to play that game every day for hours... what a bunch of silly foals we were, huh?"
"Sounds like you two were pretty close," Twilight looked at us one after the other. "What happened?" I bristled, unable to discern whether her question was genuine or if she was trying to gather some information to use against me.
"Well..." Sunburst looked at me with a sad smile, allowing me to answer if I wished. I gently shook my head. I too, wanted to know if he'd remembered what had ended our relationship. I'd kept it deep in my heart for all these years... had he as well?
"Right..." He looked down, his smile fading. "Well if I recall correctly it was because I'd gotten my Cutie Mark..." He looked up at me as if wanting to apologize but continuing instead. "Mom and dad got so excited when it happened they started trying to get me into any proper school that would take me. Surprisingly enough, I got into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns... somehow."
"The best school in Equestria..." Twilight nodded her head, listening intently. "Few get a similar opportunity."
"Exactly!" he pointed at her. "It was too big an opportunity not to take," he sighed. "Honestly I was pretty excited, even though I was little and had a life and friends, there was something really exciting about the prospect of learning under Princess Celestia herself," he smiled that same regretful smile at me again.
"I mean..." Twilight tilted her head with a smirk.
"Yeah obviously," he shrugged. "Learning from the most powerful alicorn to ever live is pretty self explanatory. Anyway, my parents shipped me off to Canterlot without even considering what I wanted or how I felt about it."
I was so devastated when he'd left it changed my whole perspective on Cutie Marks. Every young pony dreams of the day they get theirs, it's more important to a foal than almost anything else.
But after that day... the bitterness in my heart festered and grew until it took control of me. I hated Cutie Marks, even my own when I got it. It was the same as Sunburst's... in the sense that I excelled at magic. I didn't want it. I wanted my friend. I wanted Sunburst.
"I," my voice drew their gazes to me. "was really sad." I could feel the tears coming on again, but I didn't care. "I didn't have many friends like you did Sunburst," I wiped my eyes, embarrassed at looking so vulnerable in front of my best and only friend and my mortal enemy. "When you left..." I couldn't continue, my body slumping, ears flattening atop my head. The hoof that touched my shoulder pulled me out of the darkness. "Twilight!?"I gaped at the alicorn.
"It's always difficult to watch a friend go," the kind smile on her lips lifted my heart from the depths. "but you're together now and that's all that matters." I felt my tears flowing down my cheeks.
"She's right Starlight," Sunburst agreed with a grin. "We may have lost a lot of time, but-"
"No," my head fell, sorrow and regret dragging me back down into the abyss.
"No?" Sunburst's voice was doused in confusion.
"I've... done things..." That nagging feeling telling me to run away from it all was back at the forefront, but there was nowhere to go. I had nothing. I had no one. "Things I can't take back..."
"Starlight..." Sunburst sighed, but Twilight remained silent, rubbing my shoulder gently. I looked up at her, hoping there was something there that could help me, could save me.
I don't know what it was, kindness, compassion, love? What I did know was what I found in her violet eyes made my knees weak and my pulse quicken. Had she always been so beautiful, or had the hope of my own possible forgiveness romanticized her appearance?
"We've all done things we regret Starlight," my heart beat like a drum as she stared into my eyes. I could feel the heat rising inside me, my cheeks definitely resembling a tomato. "What matters is acknowledging those mistakes and then making sure we don't repeat them."
"No one is perfect," Sunburst agreed with Twilight.
"I'm... I'm sorry." Their kindness broke me. I sobbed, throwing my forelegs around Twilight's neck. The apology was mostly meant for her, though I didn't say it outright. After a moment I felt her forelegs wrap around me, her wings following right after.
"It's okay Starlight..." Her words were like the most potent salve, healing my internal scars instantly. "Everything's gonna be okay."
__________________________
The three of us talked late into the night like we'd known each other for years. Twilight had met up with Sunburst so the two of them could get to know one another. Apparently he was one of Princess Cadance's most trusted confidants and so she'd suggested to the purple alicorn that the two meet.
Even though it had essentially been official royal business they welcomed me with open arms and I appreciated it more than they could've known. As we said our goodbyes and left Sunburst's home I realized I had nowhere to go. Like a truly silly filly I'd forgotten to make any reservations or rent out a room.
I'm pretty sure Twilight noticed my plight because as we walked toward the center of the city together she started to interrogate me.
"Where are you staying? I can't imagine you made any arrangements if you just arrived earlier today," she said, keeping her eyes forward. She was right of course. I'd prioritized finding Sunburst over everything else. I could probably find a hotel or something like one if I tried hard enough.
"I, uh, I'm staying at a hotel," I chuckled nervously. "We're going the right way so I'll stop there when we, uh, when we get there." I really hoped something would pop up as we went, cause if not I'd most definitely look like an idiot.
"You don't have to lie to me Starlight, I'm not your enemy..." she paused. "Not anymore at least." I stopped moving as she continued onward.
"Twilight... what is this?" I was just so confused. It's not that I didn't appreciate what she'd done, but I couldn't fathom her reasoning or what she was playing at.
"What do you mean?" She'd stopped ahead of me, not turning to look my way.
"Why are you doing this? Why didn't you tell Sunburst the truth about me? Why are you..." I had so many questions and I didn't know where to start. "Why are you acting like we're friends?"
"It's what you want isn't it?" she looked up into the night sky, her flawless mane and tail blowing in the gentle wind.
"What?!" Her question made me even more confused than I already was.
"It's why you're here, why you..." she turned around to look at me. Beneath the pale light of Princess Luna's moon the shimmer in her eyes took my breath away. "Why you did what you did. You're lonely aren't you Starlight?"
"I..." How had she seen right through me? Was I so easily read, so transparent... so pathetic? "I don't know what you're talking about Twilight," I turned away from her. If she'd already seen through my lies so easily, she'd surely see through this one too.
Stupid! You're so stupid! My mind was a raging tempest, but I was able to keep my poker face as I turned back her way just a little. She sighed, the disappointment on her face making me feel worse than I already did for lying to her. She trotted up to me her intense gaze boring into my soul.
"It's okay Starlight," she stood in front of me. In the corner of my eye I could see the same kindness in her as before. "To be vulnerable, to want companions." I refused to look at her, both because I wasn't sure how to face her when she was like this and because she was so unbearably close.
"You're right," I blinked back tears. "I just want to belong... not because I forced anyone to accept me... but because they... because they want..."
"Starlight?" she placed a hoof under my chin.
Please, no... She raised my face to look into her alluring violet eyes.
"I want you to come with me." Her words nearly made me faint, my legs turning to mush.
"Wh-what?!" I couldn't look away. It felt like I'd never be able to look away, not from someone so astonishingly mesmerizing.
"You're a special mare Starlight. You're exceptionally gifted and incredibly smart. You're only lacking one thing," her flattering words sent fire through me. I blushed so hard I swear my coat had become maroon.
"What?" I asked, hypnotized by her enchanting aura.
"Real friendship," she smiled. That is what I'd truly wanted... That's what I'd wanted all this time... so why did it feel like I desired something more now, something deeper... from her...
"What did you have in mind?" I asked dreamily. I was so very disappointed when she removed her hoof from my chin and took a step away.
"Come with me back to Ponyville. You can learn so much from me and the others," she reached her hoof out to me. "You can have a new home... with me." This was all so much, so fast. It's true, I had nothing else... Was it such a bad idea?
"Where would I even stay?" I asked, delaying for more time to think. She giggled.
"I told you, with me," she said. If she kept saying things like that she'd give me a heart attack for sure. "In my castle, we have so many rooms... Spike's there too... He's my assistant." Of course, I breathed a relieved sigh. Of course, in her castle.
"Twilight, I..." I wanted to take her hoof, wanted to accept her offer... but-
"Starlight you asked me why I've done all of this," she lowered her foreleg. "You have a good heart."
Uh oh, not more waterworks. No one had ever told me that before.
"You're just a little lost. I know you can do great things, both for Equestria..." she lifted her hoof once again. "And for yourself." To Tartarus with my reservations. I grabbed her hoof with my own, a tear filled smile forming on my face.
"Okay Twilight, let's do it!" She pulled me toward herself, clearly going for a friendly hug. My body said otherwise. I softly pressed my lips against hers, my heart racing. I couldn't be one hundred percent sure, but I think I heard a quiet moan come from her mouth. I drew back after what felt like a lifetime of bliss, not wanting the euphoria to ever end, but knowing we had to breathe.
"I'm... I'm sorry Twilight... I don't know what came over me..." I said sheepishly catching my breath, my ears pressing against my head after I realized what I'd done. The sight that met my eyes when I finally had the courage to look her in the face made my heart do a somersault. She was blushing, a bright goofy grin on her lips.
"You don't have anything to apologize for Starlight... That was... nice." Once she fully processed what'd happened as well she too grew awkward, clearing her throat nervously. "I- I didn't know you felt that way... about me."
"To be honest, neither did I," I giggled, becoming a little more comfortable after seeing she wasn't going to completely reject me or my forwardness. "but you've shown me such kindness and care. I..."
A new question suddenly plagued my mind. Had I fallen in love with Twilight Sparkle? Was it possible for that to happen so fast? She was a princess, what was I thinking? Even if I had, there was no conceivable way the feeling could be mutual, not yet at least. Not after everything I'd yet to atone for. Those transgressions would take time to mend.
"Come on Starlight," she tilted her head in the direction of the Crystal Palace, the content smile on her face growing wider. "We have... A LOT to discuss." I returned an exuberant smile to the lavender alicorn.
"Okay Twilight, let's go." We walked together, much closer to one another than before. I couldn't say for sure what the future held for me... for us, but for the first time since I could remember... I was happy... truly, truly happy.
