Woah, What? He did what now in the year of our lord 2023?

by Zelos797

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mystery, Spike, Comedy, Crossover
Length: 3024

I can not believe what this guy did. I can't even

Can you believe it? I sure can not for the life of me

Published 2023-04-20 11:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-07 10:40:20 UTC

The Chapter in Which he Actually Did It

Spike could not believe it for the life of him. He actually did it. Something that was so vile and so insipid. He did and, and by all things holy, he now has to hide it.

"I can't let anyone observe this. What I have done, what I have created with my actions is simply beyond any belief," - he clutched an arcane object of his creation in his shaking claws.

"Spikeeeee!," - The distant echo of Spike's closest friend, Princess Twilight Sparkle rung in dragon's ears, "I'm back. Sure hope you haven't been up to any mischief and hijinks!"

"Oh no, she must not see it!" - The shaking lizard boy started stuffing the secret object inside of one of the pillows, "Yeah, she won't see it now. Perfect hiding place," - The glorified lacoste heritage bag breathed out in relief.

"Spike, why are you all sweaty and shaking?" - The Horse entered the room.

"Nooooo reason," - the crackhead looking sack was shook.

"Spike, why is the pillow all messed up? And why is there a suspicious object peaking out of it?" - The mair with flair was unto his hijinks.

"I am....so sorrry..." - Spike fell unto his knees, "The weight of this monsterous evil deed on my soul is beyond my ability to carry," - Spook was shook.

"What are you talking about?" - Twilight Ignition felt a cold shiver run down her wings.

"Don't look at me" - The Dragon dragged on.

"No, it can not be," - the watchamacall it neighed.

"Yes, it can and it is," - woah

The fabulous purple horse's tail rose, if you know what I am talking about. And if you don't, google - Do Ponies poop standing up? - I swear, the first result is a 2013 forum about bronies discussing the logistics behind horse fertilizers that come out of their bummy bum bums, it's too sweat.

Anyway, Twilight uses her majestic magical powers and levitates the secrecy incarnate from inside the Pillow.

"Oh no..." - Twilight Facehoofed. Now her face was kinda dirty ngl, "I can not believe you actually did it," Twilight shook in disbelief. For how could she believe. She took a glance at what was once her closest friend, but he is that no more. Not after what he had done. For how can someone be considered a friend, when they indulge in something so vain, so vile and to top it all off so sinful.

"You...you wrote MLP Fanfiction," - Twilight's voice fell.

"I KNOOOOOOOW!!" - Spike broke down, "I did it, I did it again, oh my god I am so sorry!"

"Spike...I can't believe it," - tears started swelling on Twilight's eyes, "I...how could you....I mean....what even is MLP!?" - She screamed.

"I don't knooooooooow!!" - Spike choked on his snot, " I mean what the hell is even MLP!? Am I a fan? How am I a fan for it to be a FAN-fiction? Oh god please show me the way," - the penance of the dragon was so grand yet it was much too late for it.

"How could you do it? How could you do it again!? WHAT is MLP EVEN!?" - Twilight embraced Spike in tearful grasp. She started slapping him with her hooves.

"I DON'T KNOW!" - Spike was mental

"Don't lie to me! What is MLP? Why is MLP fanfiction just writings of you having nasty passionate sex with Rarity!? What about it is MLP and who the hell can be a fan of that?" - Twilight investigated the poor dragonite.

"I don't know," - the little one graveled on the floor, "How can anyone be a fan of that? what purpose could such a vile thing serve? Who could even spend so much time of their life writing and editing such a thing!?" - That was the final straw. Nothing Spike knew to be true was a reflection of the objective universe anymore. This was the moment of the complete ego death. It was sheer darkness. What is MLP, why is it just him having sex with Rarity? And who is a fan? And why are they a fan of such a vile thing? And why did he do it? He sure did it though. He did it for real. He will pay for what he did for he did it.

"We must get to the bottom of this" - The horse was being investigative.

"Well..." - Spike cleaned his tears, "We start off by reading it then?"

"No, N E V E R do that!" - Spike was warned.

"I mean why not...it's right over there, and it's contents are just so...juicy..." - the eyes of the lizard lit up.

"This filth is going into quarantine. You made it, but we know not where it truly comes from or what is it's goal. I do feel strange power in it. I feel that eyes are drawn to it and that things that it makes people do after reading are unclean," - via telepathy, the stack of papers with the forbidden text has been sealed in a magical crystal vault.

"How did I write it, Twilight? One moment I am just sitting down in the room, minding my own business, the next moment my hands are moving by themselves. Each next word more frightening than the last one. Who could channel such filth unto me? Who actually made me DO IT?" - The defeated small critter was on his knees, begging the universe to explain how he could've become such an instrument of darkness.

"I do not know, Spike. You did it, and that is all we know. We will not rest until we know who made you do it. Until we find the source of such evil. For no sane person could bring something like this into existence," - Twilight was full of determination. Something was forcing her darling friend to write materials of intense darkness against his very will. Something evil. This needed to be stopped.

"Only one other thing connects you and this fanfiction to this world...Rarity. We have to show her and we need to find out what is MLP." - Twilight was filled with Dedication. This can stand no more.

The Chapter in Which Spike Tries to Find Jesus

What could it be now? A hanging horse body, dangling from a surprisingly sturdy wooden beam? An average weight of a pony is 700 to 900 pounds, spike thought to himself.

"Man, Rarity was pretty fat. Look at that wooden beam go. I mean, actually look at it not go and hold all of that voluptuous mass. Rarity has to be like 320 kilograms or something. That is one thick horse, Jesus..." - Spook couldn't look away from the wonders of Rarity's thexy body resisting the gravitational pull via her neck holding unto the rope.
"Who or what is Jesus?" - Twilight enquired.

"No idea. Something that Rarity was screaming a lot in that fanfiction. Don't know what that means, but has an effective ring to it," - Spike zoned out - "we have to find this...Jesus..."

"He does seem to be the crucial part and the only mysterious common denominator in those terrible things you make...allegedly out of your control. Yes, I think you are unto something. We have to find Jesus..." - The horsie torsie rubbed her chin.

"How do we find Jesus then," - The Lizardoid tugged on Twi-Twi's wing.

"I get a vague feeling that this is a question that many have asked in the past. Come! We must converse with Applejack. Something about her southern demeanor, farmer status and lower IQ make me think that she ought to know something about Jesus," - The dramatic duo rushed to the farm.

The unlikely duo of a princess in training and a horse mating smut author in denial bolted to the apple farm of the Jack Family, to engage in a discourse about the nature of Jesus with the one known as Apple of the Jacks...Apple-Jack. The soil and manure covered hoof, as hoofs are known to be, has kicked the door inside of the Jack residence.

"Come, wash your hooves," - The Apple of Jack's eye, the one known as Applejack has welcomed the combo of our heroes inside.

"Apple of Jacks, what do you know about Jesus? I need this Jesus in my life. Jesus has a lot to answer for!" - Twilight heroically exclaimed.

"Jesus...that is a name I have not heard since the last Sunday...I thought you'd never come around, Twilight. I thought I was the only one who knew about Jesus in this place. Who felt Jesus in their life!" - Apple Pony's eyes glazed with tears, "Praise Jesus!" - she shouted - "Finally, we can put an end to the pagan rule of the false god!" - Sack of AppleJack rejoiced.

"The rule of the false god? What are you talking about, Applejack? You are scaring me. Who is Jesus, why do I need him in my life and who is the false pagan god!?" - Twilight stepped away in a defensive pose.

"Well, Celestia ofcourse!" - Applecrack launched into a maniacal laugh - "The one who says she is in control of the sun and the moon. The one who makes us praise the sun, the pagan idol. Instilled herself as a heavenly king. The one that is the false messiah!" - Applewhack's crazy eyes looked Twilight up and down - "I know the truth. Jesus talks to me, I gets these...these episodes and I write. I write stories, I write the truth. I write about Jesus. Here, Look!"

Applejack scrammed and shuffled through her cabinets, pulling out what seemed to be hundreds of crusty pages, covered left to write in sporadic writings.

"What in the name of Celestia is this?" - Twilight stepped back

"DON'T MENTION THAT NAME! THE FALSE GOD MUST DIE!" - the room filled with Applejack's crazy laughter

"Twilight, I think we have finally found Jesus...and Jesus wants our blood!" - Shivering lizardoider clutched at a purple horse hoof, "Do you think it is the same thing that made me also write what I wrote? Was it Jesus, that channeled this smut into my mind and force me to write this? Jesus!!!! Why have you forsaken me!?"

"Jesus, set their souls free!" - Applejack pulled a rust knife out of the table

"For Christ's sake!" - The duo of our heroes exclaimed.

The Chapter in Which Jesus Finds Spike

This is a calamity. Jesus has been channeling his might through Applejacked. Spike has been influenced by some unnamed dark forces. Something truly otherworldly is trying to bust into Equestria. What has Spike done, or was it him who did done doodley do it then? Perchance.

"I accept Jesus Christ as my lord and saviour!" - Twilight shouted at the top of her lungs. The table she was holding up was almost entirely chopped through by a bloody clever that Applecrack was wielding. The earthponey now calmed down.

'Finally, Twilight. I knew you would really be able to see the light. Jesus is the bread" - She cleaned the cleaver with a musty rag, 'what about you, Spike? Do you ALSO accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?" - the eyes of the only recently un-crazed pony jabroni have squeezed with the power of macho man Randy Savage squeezing Hulk Hogan's palm that one time when Mega Powers were formed in WWF in the 80s.

"ehm...sure" - a panic stricken answer followed.

"Here, take this!" - Applefag threw a couple more rusty cleavers at Twilight and Spike with reckless abandon, almost chopping them in the process, if not for them dodging them with the reaction time of an immensely asian player of dance dance revolution.

"What do you want us to do with them?" - Spike treated lightly"

"We gotta kill the false god. Chop down her wings. Deglaze her in her own blood and eat her flesh ofcourse. We might also do ritual mating with razor encrusted rubber baton. We will then proceed to molest all of the children in her castle" - The earth pony out of this planet in her mind clarified.

"Twilight..." - Spook started whispering in Twilight's ear, "Something tells me, this Jesus dude is NOT alright. I don't really vibe with Jesus tbh"

"Calm down, we obviously won't let her murder Celestia, but we have to find a way to snap her out of it. I am not losing another friend today. At least tomorrow, but not today" - Twilight clutched the rusty blade in her hand.

Applejack turned in startling fashion - "Jesus talked to me, he hates false gods, and also has a bowling game with a guy named The Big Lebowski. Jesus wants ALL the children to hear his gospel. He also wants to win the bowling prize...and murder the false gods. He speaks to me. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Dios Mio, man."

"Suuuure deal, Applejack. Let's murder the false Gods and bathe in their blood then!" - Twilight agreed with the friendly if condescending voice she usually reserves when telling some communist ponies about the wonders of trickle down economics.

Twilight and Spike followed Applecrack at a distance. The earth pony babbled to herself. Her knees twitching. She rubbed the blade on her down there part. The cold touch of steel aroused her in the name of violence and disregarding the very reasonable laws about the age of consent. It was a sight to behold. Then again, Twilight did not believe in signs or sights, she believed in science, and there had to be a plausible explanation for all of this, as well as a potential way to free her darling friend of the existential dread of being possessed by Jesus who had a beef with Big Lebowski. Maybe it is that Big Lebowski man that they had to find, to truly immerse themselves in the depth of the Jesus Lore.

The night sky illuminated the secret path into the castle. Spike and Twilight spent the entire way through it in silent contemplation and close examination of Applejack's erratic and erotic behaviour. It was very hard to admit that their friend seemed long gone. In the deep darkness of the cave, only the reverbed sounds of her gentle farts reminded them of that earth pony they used to know and love and avoid closed environments with. Could this be the end. Could the natural gases that inflame themselves inside Applejack's guts, because of her insistence on consuming turnip, which she notoriously can not handle well, be the last thing that connected their former friend with this mortal coil of hers. Could this obsession with Jesus can at all be alleviate and dealt with? Guess only time will tell. With no Big Lebowski in sight, Jesus roaming uncontrolled and the dark powers that took hold over Spike hiding in some crevice of this magical etherworld, the heroes of ours were left alone with final moments of interactions with the shell that used to be their former best friend.

Perchance

The Chapter in Which They Show Rarity What He Did

"Shame," - Twilight downed her gaze into the road underneath her. No longer could she witness the filth that her close dragon-slave has become.

"It is the worst, but I swear I did now know what I was doing!" - the dragon-slave mk2000 answered with teared up eyes.

"So you say. That hot banoonga rarity zingadoy tale is too much to bear," - The princess was sugar coating it. In reality, the scum that her former beloved lizardoid has become, made her reconsider the application of the death penalty in Equestria. Could he after all be allowed to roam scot free? To breath the oxygen and take a piece of that ozone? Should Spike just Kill himself NOW!?

As the tricky moral dilemma gnawed at Pony's restless mind, the due has come to their destination. Rarity's home. For not long though, for can one truly be at home, knowing that darkness touched it. The touch of true evil.

Knock at the door. The unsuspecting victim of emancipation of ejaculation has arrived to open the door.

"Hello, dears," - dead silence followed her lively greeting.

"Nothing dear about this hello..." - the purple neighsayer sayed her neigh.

"I'm sorry..." - Spike clutched his fists.

"What are you sorry about? What is going on?" - The look of concern quickly washed over the face of the glittery pony bait.

"Read, brutha," - Twilight shoved a stack of stapled together pages unto her face.

"An MLP...fan fiction? Oh dear, what is that" - Rarity started skimming through pages, "What is a rim? Well it does start pretty nicely. Just some diary of Spike about us drinking tea together? No, don't quite remember that happening tho...wait...what is he doing there...what is a slopjob?" - With each passing sentence, Rarity's face grew more and more pale. A feat, considering it was white to begin with.

"Why is he smearing me in my own? OH MY CELESTIAL HORSE!" - She threw the pages into the fireplace in a display of primordial horror.

"No Wait!" - Spike jumped to catch the pages

"Woah..." - Twilight narrowed her gaze unto the dragoon, "You were a bit too quick to jump into the fire to save those pages"

"We need to get to the bottom of this. I have done this and I did not want to do this. Something magical is going on. Some mystical force is controlling me!" - Spike grasped every page and put them all together.

"Rarity?" - Twilight noticed that the dazzling glow-up queen was a bit quiet.

Turning around, the alicorn princess saw the silhouette of a horse, hanging from the ceiling on the noose. The deprecation of the sanctity of life in those pages was too much for her. She could never look in the eyes of her friends again. neither will she ever now.

"Wow, Spike...you really did it, huh?"