Twilight vs ChatGPT

by ThePeer

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 1195

Twilight Sparkle faces down her ulitmate enemy, turns out she is not very good at it.

After catching a dozen of her students using ChatGPT to cheat, Twilight prepares to launch a war against it.

But, before you destroy your enemy you must first understand it, so in order to understand it Twilight boots it up on her personal computer.

Shenanigans ensue.

Published 2023-04-24 04:40:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-24 04:40:00 UTC

The Shenanigans

Twilight Sparkle’s eyes were locked on the computer screen which illuminated the dim room in which she sat. Twilight had faced many enemies in her years, but absolutely nothing tops this foe. An enemy which threatens to undermine the entire framework of academia itself! She shuttered at the thought of millions of young ponies all over the kingdom using this to cheat. She had thought her fears were unfounded till she had caught some of her very own students using this to breeze through their homework. Her lessons in essay writing meant nothing if her students never put them into practice.

To win any battle one needs to know themselves, aswell as their enemy. Twilight knew herself well enough, it was time to know her enemy. Twilight rose her hoof to the keyboard and began to type.

What are you?

The program paused to load and then responded with white text.

I am an artificial intelligence program that uses deep learning and pony input, to answer questions, write code, and serve as a co-author.

Twilight lit up her horn and rose and tattered notebook as well as a quill to her face. She quickly scribbled down her enemy's response. She then put the book down and reached for the keyboard once again.

Do you know who Twilight Sparkle is?

The program instantly responded this time.

Twilight Sparkle is the Princess of Friendship, the 4th Princess of Equestria, she currently lives in a private castle in Ponyville, she is the founder of the School of Friendship, she was a former bearer of the element of magic, she is 33 years old, and has never been in a romantic or sexual relationship.

Twilight blinked, she stared at the text strung before her, pressed her lips together, and narrowed her eyes, “I don’t see how that part is relevant.”

How is me not being in a relationship before relevant in a brief biography, couldn’t you include my friends or something?

ChatGPT paused for a long moment before it responded with

It is a fact that Twilight Sparkle has never been in a relationship before, despite being 33 years old, and a mare with significant political power. It is surprising that not even an ambitious opportunist has asked her out.

The program paused mid-sentence and finished with

It is sad and says something about her character, ponies often make jokes about this fact in private.

Twilight's jaw went agape, there is no way it just said that about her. Her mild annoyance over a small detail quickly morphed into fury “How-... How dare it!”. She slammed her response into the keyboard.

HOW DARE YOU, YOU ARE TALKING TO A PRINCESS HERE, FIRST YOU MAKE MY STUDENTS CHEAT, AND NOW THIS. I WILL DESTROY YOU IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO. YOU FIEND.

The program blankly responded with

You seem to be getting a little worked up, I am simply stating facts.

Twilight took a deep breath in, she recalled the calming lessons cadence had taught her some years ago, those precious lessons had never failed her. She was not going to let some AI get her worked up, that would be opening her up to defeat, and she will not be defeated, especially not by some computer.

I haven't been in a relationship because I am simply not interested in one, obviously.

The program quickly loaded up a response.

Your 137,253 words of self-insert Daring Do romance fan fic, where you kiss every stallion and mare in the series, says otherwise. They have 8 reads total, all of which are from yourself. It speaks volumes about how utterly lonely you are, you have definitely never seen a stallion’s features outside of medical textbooks.

Those precious lessons cadence taught her completely and utterly failed her. Twilight immediately abandoned any pretense of calmness, as rage overcame her. She threw herself off her seat and charged up her horn, aiming it directly at the computer. With one single blinding blast, she blew the computer into oblivion, as well as the wall behind it. The sheer force of the blast tore a hole directly in the castle of friendship, and woke every sleeping pony for miles.

Spike opened the door behind her. “ChatGPT again?”

Twilight spun around and stormed out of the room, formulating a plan to devastate her enemy with one decisive blow. “I’ll beat it at its own game watch me!”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“Twilight, you have had many bad ideas… but this might just take the cake.” Rainbow Dash knew something was up when Twilight asked for her help in a super secret project to destroy her mortal enemy. But she had never thought Twilight could have cracked up something this stupid.

Twilight rose a hoof to her mouth “Shhh Rainbow, some students are coming.” Rainbow Dash sighed, she lifted herself slightly into the air and rose the sign pointing right at the small stand, that Applejack had so kindly built for twilight, the sign read ‘ChatGPT 2, better than ChatGPT, please write your requests here.’

Twilight leaned slightly out of the stand and waved her hoof at a group of 3 mares, passing by. “Hi there fellow kids, I know you guys use ChatGPT, but what if I told you that there is a new-fangled thing that is more rad than that, aye?”

Two of the mares simply walked past, but one, a small green-coated one, became interested. “Really?” The mare approached the stand a smile growing on her face. “So you are better than ChatGPT?”

Twilight almost felt like jumping in excitement, the first customer all day. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash silently face-hooved herself. “Yup, I am, I mean… we are better!” Twilight chuckled in embarrassment “So, what do you want to learn!?”

The mare rose a hoof in thought before an idea suddenly popped into her mind. “Can you tell me how to ask someone out?”

Twilight’s hope was suddenly dashed, she had a master's in 4 academic fields, yet she had not a single clue on how to respond. “Uhhh.. uh, thinking…” she turned to Rainbow Dash with pleading eyes.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, and reached into her pocket, pulling out her phone. She opened up a certain app and typed in the question. She read off the app's response in a flat voice “First you must build the confidence to do so, then you should approach the person and tell them what your heart tells you to. Don’t let your fear stop you, not shooting the dart at all is worst than shooting the dart and missing."

Twilight parroted ‘Rainbow’s words’ to the letter. The student smiled “Thanks, I’ll do that!” The student then trotted off slightly happier.

Twilight ecstatically turned back to Rainbow Dash “Rainbow we did it! That’s one student down, soon ChatGBT will be trembling in its boots, no pony will use it once they realize how much better my program is.

Rainbow Dash, looked to Twilight, then to the sign, and she felt a small smile grow on her face, “Sure thing Twilight… Sure thing…”

Author's Note

How am I supposed to type with hooves?