Chapters "The next suspect is a granny. So we're interviewing grandmas now. If I don't get a raise, I'm quitting this job."
*long tired sigh*
"Right, okay. The old mare is an earth pony with a green coat. Mane and tail are a nice shade of pink, wrapped neatly in a bun. Eyes are a pink tinted with yellow, very interesting. Records don't say anything if that's natural or not. Cutie mark looks to be a flower, but I'm not a fucking florist. Some metal on her back, probably to keep her back sane, unlike me. Sending her in."
*door opens*
*door closes*
"You don't look so well, dearie. Want a cookie?"
*disbelieving chuckle*
"Sure, why not. Why don't you sit down?"
"Oh, thank you, dearie. My knees are killing me."
*shuffling*
*small groan*
*soft thump*
*lid pops open*
"Take one, I made 'em just this morning."
"Oh, thank you, Miss?"
"Petunia, dearie. Just call me Petunia."
"Petunia. Thank you."
*chewing noises*
"Holy shit, these are delicious! What's the recipe?"
*chuckling*
"Now now, dearie, a mare's gotta her her secrets!"
*whine*
"But these are so good! I need to know!"
"These cookies are precious to me, giving them up would hurt my very soul, do you want that to happen, dearie?"
"No, I guess not."
*silence*
*chewing noises*
*clears throat*
"Thank you, Petunia. That was delightful."
"My pleasure, dearie."
"Right, so I'm really sorry about this, but it's my job."
"I totally understand, dearie. You got to do what you got to do."
"Thank you. So is Petunia your full name?
"As the day I was born."
"It really is a pretty name."
"Why thank you, dearie."
"What were you doing on April 20th?"
"I was gardening, early in the morning. It was such a beautiful morning, I just had to be outside. Then this, thus brute walked in and took a flower. Just a single one, without paying too! I was in a foul mood for the rest of the day."
"Can you tell me what flower?"
"Henbane. Can make a pony sleep when ingested. I keep telling my flower dealer to stop sending these, but apparently they're just so easy to grow. I just hope no one got hurt."
"Me too. Can you tell me what the pony looked like?"
"Sure can, dearie. He looked like a mean fella, brown I think he was. But he was big, almost as big as my husband, heavens rest his soul."
"Big? In what way?"
"In every way."
*silence*
*laughter*
"Oh, Petunia! I didn't think you were that kind of mare!"
"A mare has her needs, can you blame me for that?"
"No, I guess not."
*small pause*
"So, is that it? Nothing else happened that day?"
"Not that I know of."
"Alright, Petunia. Thank you for your time and thank you for the cookies."
"Keep them, dearie, I've got more at home."
"Really? You really are too kind."
"I'm just being me, dearie. I hope you find what you're looking for."
*shuffling*
*door opens*
*door closes*
Author's Note
Henbane can make a person sleep. Fun facts, yay
"Stating for the record, Suspect 003 is a blue stallion, unicorn. Left eye has been outfitted with an ocular implant, records say it sees the heart rate of ponies with biological hearts. The right is a natural gold. No other augments. Mane and tail are intact and are a lighter blue with a purple stripe. Cutie mark is a police Shockstick. It is important to say that Suspect is part of the Neo-Canterlot Police Department. Bringing him in."
*door opens*
*door closes*
"Take a seat."
*shuffling*
*a heavy thud*
*weeping*
"PLEASE SIR! I haven't done anything! You gotta believe me!"
"Mister...?"
*sob*
"Shockstick."
"Mister Shockstick, I promise you, we aren't going to do anything to you, we just want to know your side of the story. Come sit down and tell me what you were doing on April 20th?"
*chair screech*
*thump*
"You promise?"
"Yes, Mister Shockstick."
*deep breath*
"Okay. I can do that, right? Yes. I can. April 20th?"
"That's right."
"Okay. Let's see. I went to work, like I do everyday, you can ask anypony, they'll confirm. Anyways, I'm stationed in the basement, to guard the Banks from any hacker, I'm real good at protecting the Banks, despite my cutie mark."
*chuckling*
"Focus."
"Right, sorry. Anyways, I spent several hours down there and then when it was time for my shift to end, nopony came down. So I went up. I used my eye augment to search for them, pretty handy like that, anyways, I found all of them in the dining room, yeah, there's a dining room at Manesco, so many ponies are surprised when they hear that. Right, so, dining room. When I got there, everypony was on the floor asleep! Their mouths were covered in some foamy thing too."
"That sounds like poison."
"Poison!"
"You said dining room, right?"
*small pause*
"So, was there anything on the table? Food, drinks maybe? Perhaps a Chemie?"
"A Chemie! What do you take us for? Junkies? No, we are true soldiers! I'm offended you would even suggest that."
"Mister Shockstick."
"Right, right, sorry, sorry. I think, I'm not really good at remembering these things, but I think there was some meat. There wasn't much there and I didn't really look because I left."
"Left? What do you mean?"
"I left, this was terrifying to me, still is, so I left Manesco and tried to teleport to the closest NCPD station but my horn wouldn't work! I think somepony put up a Fielder."
"Fielder?"
"Oh, right. You government types don't really keep up with the slang."
*short pause*
"Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean that! What I meant was that it's new! Word can travel slow sometimes, ya know!?
*awkward chuckling*
"Mister Shockstick, get back to what's relevant."
"Right! Sorry. A Fielder is a magical suppression field that hackers usually put up to block us unicorns, usually we have something to ward against Fielders, but I didn't have a Ring on me at the time. So after I found out about the Fielder, I just simply ran. It took me 20 minutes to get there and then another 20 minutes to get back, by the time we got there, it was stolen."
"What was stolen, Mister Shockstick?"
"You mean you don't know? What. How. Huh? Are you saying that the great Equestrian Investigative Bureau doesn't know everything? Ha, that's rich!"
*laughing*
"Mister Shockstick, I am well within my jurisdiction to arrest you. Would you like that, mister Shockstick?"
*laughing stops*
"NO! No, no, that's okay! I'll behave, I'll behave."
"Good. Now, what was stolen?"
"The one and only Pona Lisa."
*silence*
"The Pona Lisa?"
"Yes sir, I have told no fib nor lie."
"That's the same thing, and I know you aren't lying. It's just, the Pona Lisa of all things. Why would they take that?"
"Sir?
"No, no. You can leave now."
"If you say so."
*chair screech*
*shuffling*
*door opens*
*door closes*
Author's Note
the freakin 'right align' button doesn't work, gotta type it up manually.
"Stating for the record, Suspect 004 is a gray earth pony mare. Reminds me of a cat. Her eyes are feral yellow, I hesitate to say if they're augments, there are no records on them if they are. Mane and tail are a strange purple red combo. Scars all across her back, suspecting there is a trauma story behind that. Cutie mark is a blue jewel underneath a glass dome. No further observations, bringing her in."
"Why hello there."
*surprised intake of breath*
"How'd you get in here?"
"Nice description, personally, I like the cat part. I think it suits me just fine."
*giggle*
"Riiight, Miss?"
"You can call me Cat. Fitting, no?"
*swish*
"If you say so, now could you please refrain from climbing the walls?"
"Aw, is poor wittle Greaser worried about little ol' me?"
*frustrated sigh*
"Miss."
*slight pause*
"Cat, I have unicorns on the other side who can and will zap you if I give the signal. If you could come down and talk to me, you can leave a free mare, how does that sound?"
"That sounds great! But what if I don't want to come down, what if we talk like this? I like having the higher ground."
*giggle*
"If this doesn't hinder your ability to answer questions, then I don't see why not. Now, what were you doing on April 20th?"
"Doing a job, of course!
*giggle*
"What kind of job, Miss Cat?"
"The illegal kind, Mister Tact."
"How'd you know my name!?"
"I know many things, Greaser. And from my point of view.
*giggle*
"It looks like you don't know enough."
"Answer the question, Miss Cat. What kind of job?"
But I did answer the question, Mister Tact and your lie detector is having no problems with me saying so."
*disgruntled noise*
"How did you know about that!"
"Cats always know, Greaser, and you best remember that. It might save your life."
"Is that a threat?"
"Do you want it to be?"
*extended silence*
"Does this job have anything to do with the Manesco Bank?"
"Ooh, Greaser thinks he's gotten a set of claws, but what would his reaction be if I said: no."
*slight pause*
"Would you look at that! The detector didn't beep, again! I am so good at this, any other questions for me?
"Was it a theft job?"
"Of course it was, Mister Greaser! You don't hire me unless you want something robbed.""
*giggle*
"What did you steal?"
"Ah, that is the question, isn't it? Well, believe it or not, oh wait, you do!"
*laughter*
"Ooh, that was good. Anyways, believe it or not, my benefactor doesn't see fit to tell me anything, isn't that intriguing?"
"Yes, quite."
*chuckling*
"You may go now."
"Ta ta! It's been a real pleasure!"
*door opens*
*door closes*
"Stating for the record, Suspect 002 is a skinny malnourished cyan pegasus stallion. Eyes have been replaced with purple augments, records say it enhances eyesight and has thermal sights. Wings and barrel are intact, no markings nor augments. Mane and tail are a light purple, looks natural. Cutie mark looks to be a red equine eye with a target in the iris. The only other thing if interest is the scar above the right eye. Bringing him in."
*door opens*
"Ugh, what's this Greaser want. What do you want, Greaser, I've got biz to attend to."
*door closes*
"Take a seat and please refrain from using Greaser, or is 'refrain' too big a word for you?"
"Watch it, Greaser, this is a free city, I can do whatever I want! So I think I'll stand, thank you very much."
"Very well. If you could state your name for the record."
"What if I don't wanna? You can't force me, Greaser."
"I could ask the unicorns outside to zap you. Would that make you talk? Or perhaps, should I ask for your augments to be deactivated?"
"Alright, alright, Greaser. I'll talk. My name?"
"If you please."
"Sky High."
"What were you doing on April 20th? Don't worry, everything you say is confidential and nothing will allow me to arrest you, unless you are the one who robbed the Manesco Bank."
"Parley, eh? I can work with that. So, this whole thing is because somepony finally robbed the Manesco Bank?"
*raspy laughter*
"Yes, Mister High. What did you do on April 20th?"
"Hehe, I do like it when Greasers like you call me that. April 20th? Why I was chilling with my homies down in the Crackshed, getting up to no good, like you do. I believe it was a dig from Jaunt, collect the Bush at Highport and then deliver to Skiv, why, it was so easy, there was no chance we could fuck it up! Then everything went tits up."
"What do you mean?"
"Right before we had everything, the Spats, the Putes, and the crew, this big ol' fucker just ruined everything! Literally jumped onto our whole operation, killed at least seven of us before I got bailed. Now, Jaunt don't like an unfinished job, but they has nothing on me, so I'm safe like a bird. That want you wanted, Greaser?"
"Almost, when was this?"
"Dunno, around ten-ish in the morning? Can I go?"
"You can go when i say you can go. What did the 'big ol' fucker' look like? Can you describe him?"
"Sheesh, Greaser, you folks mighty helpless if yous askin' me what he looks like."
"Sounds like yous getting comfortable, we don't want that. Remember, I've got unicorns on stand by. Now, describe him."
"Alriiight, hold your Dregs! Now, I couldn't see what he looked like cuz I was checkin' if the Putes were workin' good. Can't have 'em break down in the middle, now can we? But what I did see, made my augments boil, lemme tell ya. That brute looked like he was fully tin, ya know? Completely augmented, not a trace of fur anywhere. Anyhoos, he was a pegasus and had eyes like a predator, he definitely was a he, no doubt about it. Right, so after he dropped in, his legs popped open and out came cylinders. That's when I left, I knew deep in my bones, they was Sparklers and Sparklers they were. Am I done here, Greaser?"
"Did anything else happen that day, after the attack?"
"Nope, hid in my bunker, there ain't no way I was getting out after what I saw. Greaser, I told you everything now, can I go!?"
"Yes, yes."
"Good. See ya never, Greaser."
*rapid hoofsteps*
*door opens*
*door closes*
These are the audio files relating to the Manesco Bank Heist. We have brought in ponies who were in the vicinity when the heist took place and held interviews. We have ordered them so the story is cohesive. This is Inspector Tact, signing off.
"Stating for the record, Suspect 001 is a large brown stallion with piercing blue eyes, could be fake. Mane and tail is a slightly lighter brown. Cutie mark: Unknown. All four legs have been replaced with augments that look passive. Nothing else of interest, bringing him in."
*door opens*
*shuffling*
*door closes*
*chair screeches back*
*a heavy thump*
"State your name."
"Fried Wires."
"What were you doing on April 20th?"
"Smoking my steak."
"Mister Wires, I need..."
"Fried."
*pause*
"Sorry?"
"Call me Fried."
"Right. Fried. I need more then that. Maybe recap the entire day?"
*pause*
"Sure. I went to the Stalls to buy steak. I went home, smoked my steak. Ate it with family. Went to bed."
*audible sigh*
"Mis...Fried. Did you notice anything out of the ordinary? Perhaps when you were coming back from the Stalls?"
"Sure. This big fucker."
*silence*
"Can you elaborate why he was different?"
"Sure. He was carrying something. When he crossed the streets, the carts didn't crash into him."
"Riiight. What time was this, do you know?"
"Sure. 4:38 AM."
"Do you have anything else to add? Like, maybe something else the 'big fucker' did?"
*pause*
"Eenope."
"Right, okay. Thank you for your time, Mister Wires."
"Fried."
"Right, right. Fried."
*door opens*
*door closes*
Author's Note
and off we go!
"Stating for the record, Suspect 005 is a dark violet pegasus mare. Her mane and tail looks to be artificially streaked with black. Looking through records, her original color was an even darker purple. Eyes are a piercing spearmint green. Her wings seem to be have been replaced with a newer model of mechanical wings. Those things are expensive and really hard to find. Cutie mark is a golden streak over a cratered surface. Bringing her in now."
*door opens*
*door closes*
*heavy thump*
*silence*
"What do you want?"
"Answers."
"Well you can't have 'em. Fucking Greaser."
*spitting noise*
"What's your name?"
"Ha! As if I'll tell you."
"Well, I do have a unicorn on standby, ready to zap anypony whom I see fit."
"You think I'm scared? Nothing scares me! I'm like a mountain! Unbeatable."
"If you don't sit down right now, I'll give the call."
"Do it!"
*crackle*
*loud popping*
*screams*
*crackle*
*screams stop*
"So, you ready to talk now?"
*ragged breathing*
"Good. Now, what is your name?"
"Comet Rush!"
"Missus Rush, what were you doing on April 20?"
"I was."
*strained cough*
"Aw, shit. Blood."
"You'll be alright, you can get a doc after this."
"Right, a doc. So, I was delivering food. It's the company I work for, Hooves On Delivery? You know it?"
"Yeah, I know of it."
"Cute place. They've got."
*coughing that turns into violent hacking*
"Shit Greaser, shit shit shit. I don't feel so good right now, can I go to the doc now?"
"Not yet, just tell me what happened in your day. Anything different or odd?"
*groan*
"Well, there was one delivery. My uncle called me and told me I had to deliver some steak. The job was so simple!"
*heaving*
"Simple. So simple."
"Aw, shit."
*loud explosion*
*glass and metal shrieking*
*recorder fizzing*
*recorder cuts*
Author's Note
and the room is now gone
"Stating for the record."
*small pause*
"Holy fuck.
"Agent Calculating Tactician, do we need to come in there and show you how to do your job?"
"With respect, sir, shut the FUCK up! I nearly died! The entire block went up in flames! Fucking masochists, putting a damn bomb inside that pony."
*unintelligible mumble*
"FINE, I'll do my FUCKING job, but I better get a raise after this!"
*growling*
"Stating for the record, Suspect 006 is a rust colored unicorn stallion. His eyes are a bland gray while his mane and tail are a terrible contrast of yellows. Cutie mark looks to be an automated cart with a flag on top. The only augmented that could be found on him was the chip implanted in his skull. Allows for better decision making in less time it usually takes. Other notes worthy of notice is the fact he's a damned good taxi driver. Fuck you, sir."
"Just read the damned script!"
"Last important piece of information is that he's recovering from a crash. Sending him in now."
*door opens*
*door closes*
*shuffling*
*soft thump*
*chair creaks*
"It says here, you're a damned good taxi driver, this true?"
"I would like to think so."
"Sorry, I nearly blew up today, you gotta be more precise with me. Was that a yes or a no?"
"Perhaps, depending on who you ask."
*pause*
"Right, okay. What's your name?"
"Tight Swerve."
*sharp trill*
"Apparently my machine here doesn't believe you. Just tell the truth, I've had a trying day."
“There will always be time to jump. Tomorrow. The day after. No rush.” -Aiden
"Tight Swerve."
*silence*
"Right, okay, I'll just go along!"
*small chuckle*
"Okay, Mister Swerve, what were you doing on April 20th?"
"I crashed and woke up in the hospital."
"Yes yes, I know that, but what were you doing before that?"
"Waiting for my next passy, then this big fucker and small guy comes in. They gave me directions, I drove. Then I crashed."
"Passy?"
"Passenger."
*sigh*
"What did the two 'passies' look like?"
"Big fucker was heavily augied earthie, small guy is skinny peg."
"Augmented earth pony and pegasus?"
"That's what I said."
"Did you see what color they were?"
"They was wet, slick, covered in red. Too much red."
*slight pause*
"What?"
"They was wet, slick, covered in red. Too much red."
"Yeah, okay, you're not helpful. Let's try something else, how did you crash?"
"I crashed."
"Yeah, but how!? What happened that made you crash!?"
"There was a cat."
"A cat."
*annoyed groan*
"Okay, you can go. Rest up."
"Bye."
*shuffling*
*door opens*
*door closes*
"That mare was really nice. Right, last but not least, Suspect 008! I'm so tired. Suspect is a beast of a stallion, heavy augments, et cetera et cetera. Cutie mark is unknown, eye color unknown. Mane and tail are blood red, isn't that interesting."
*heavy sigh*
"Sending him in."
*door opens*
*heavy tromping*
*door closes*
*heavy thud*
*wood creaks*
"Greaser."
"Stallion. May I ask your name?"
"Brutus."
"Okay, Brutus."
*deep rumbling laughter*
"What's so funny?"
*laughter*
"HEY, I said what's so funny!"
*laughter subsides*
"What's so funny, little greaser? Tell me, do you trust in machines?"
"What do you mean?"
"That one, over there. Do you trust it?"
"The lie detector? I suppose I have to. Why do you ask?"
"Oh, no reason, just making sure."
*snort*
"You done? Good. What were you doing on April 20th?"
"I'm sure you know, after all, you brought us all here."
"Us?"
"Aw, poor little greaser hasn't figured it out yet. Perhaps I should give a hint. What tells the truth, but really was telling a lie this entire time?"
"Fuck you, I don't have time for this shit. Just answer the question."
"What was I doing on April 20th? Well, let's see. I gathered my crew and we set our plan in motion. One would get the surprise food, one would get the poison, one would deliver the poisoned food, one would 'panic' and open the door, one would slip right in, one would cover the escape route, and lastly one would be the escape."
"Are you done spewing nonsense? Just say it to me all straight like."
"I think not."
*wood creaks*
"Put your fucking hooves off the table. You better tell me what I want to know, or I'll call the shock unicorns."
"Heh, I already told you everything you need to know, but if you want to shock me still, go ahead."
*silence*
*crackle*
*humming*
*crackle*
*silence*
"Fuck you, that alone should've dropped you to your knees!"
"What can I say, I'm just a big. 'Ol. Fucker."
*silence*
*laughter*
"Oh, would you look at that. The greaser finally figured it out. That's my cue to leave."
"Hold it right there!"
"I think not!"
*crackle*
*gunshot*
*glass shatters*
*pained yell*
*more gunshots*
*yelling*
*scuffling*
*large boom*
*debris falling everywhere*
*yelling*
*silence*
"Shit."
Author's Note
And we come to our conclusion! Hoped you enjoyed it! This certainly was different.
