Don't Care Didn't Ask Plus You're Purple

by RunicTreetops

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 2937

Your good friend Princess Twilight Sparkle misunderstood the fine print. Now, she and the rest of your friends are desperate to stop you from doing something really, really funny.

Princess Twilight Sparkle just made the awful mistake of accidentally giving you the ability to act consequence-free for a short span of time. You intend to make the most of it, but your friends aren't about to let you get away with it.

Uh, what is it you're trying to do, exactly?

Published 2023-04-25 17:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-25 17:20:00 UTC

Don't Care Didn't Ask Plus You're Purple

You stumble a bit as you sprint down the marble hallway, the beating of your footsteps echoing loudly throughout the corridors of Canterlot Castle. Sweat pours down the sides of your face as you do your best to keep your breathing steady. You don't exactly run all that often nowadays, but right now, you have to go as fast as you can towards your quarry. The need for haste is reinforced by the sudden sound of a distinct blue pegasus mare's wings behind you.

"You get back here right now! This is NOT what Twilight had in mind!"

"Get lost, Dash!"

"I know how you feel, but we can't let you get away with this!"

There is absolutely no way you could ever hope to outrun the prismatic pain. She is a professional flier, after all. Still, you also know her greatest weakness, and this hallway is the perfect place to exploit it. Speeding up as much as you can with the sound of Rainbow Dash swiftly getting closer, you wait until you can practically feel the flaps of her wings behind you. Then, right as she is about to grab you, you screech to a halt and take a single step back, stumbling a bit as you do so. Unable to stop herself so suddenly in midair, you watch as Dash helplessly careens forward. Without her intended target in front of her, she attempts to turn around mid-flight, only to take it a bit too wide and slam directly into the wall. Seizing the opportunity, you sprint right past her as she tries to recover from her daze.

"Sorry Dash! Played college ball, ya know. Coulda gone pro if I hadn't been isekai'd!"

"What does that even mean? You didn't even go to college!"

Feeling emboldened, you continue down the hallway and turn a sharp corner, continuing to sprint through the castle as quick as you can. If you're lucky, Dash will be the only one trying to stop you and oh hey what's up Pinkie?

"Stop right there!" Pinkie has a fire in her eyes that you've never seen before, and it kind of freaks you out. "You Pinkie Promised you wouldn't use your powers for evil!"

Pinkie is squared up the middle of the hallway, standing on her hind legs in an attempt to look as big and menacing as possible. It isn't really working considering how much bigger than these ponies you are, but the massive cannon aimed right at you might change your mind about that.

"This isn't evil! Besides, I don't remember breaking a Pinkie Promise!"

"What is a contract with my name on it if not a Pinkie Promise?!"

"It had six names on it, actually! Princess Twilight and her five closest friends! If anything, this is a Twilight Promise! Which I'm not even breaking!"

"You're getting caught up in semantics and I don't think I like it!"

"And you're starting to sound like a real politician, and I don't think I like that!"

At this point you're closing in on Pinkie. There is little you can do but keep moving forward and hope for the best. She won't REALLY blow you up with that cannon... right?

"Okay, you asked for it!" Just as you get close enough for a point-blank blast, Pinkie slams down on the cannon, and you wince as you... get coated in confetti. Uh, okay? "Oopsies, wrong ammo!" You run right past the cannon and continue down the hall, hearing Pinkie shout at you as you do so. "Don't you dare think that this is over! I am ALWAYS WATCHING!"

The scariest part about that statement is the fact that Pinkie is perhaps the only pony capable of actually doing that. Still, you don't have time to second guess yourself now. You've finally reached the castle grounds, and you book it across the lawn towards the nearby high-class sector of Canterlot reserved exclusively for some of the most important ponies in Equestria. Just as you enter the area, however, you see your next roadblock: Applejack. And you know perfectly well that she isn't going to make this easy for you.

"I was hopin' I wouldn't have ta get involved, but if ya got past Dash AND Pinkie, then you're not really giving me a choice, sugarcube."

For the first time since you began your trek, you stop dead in your tracks. You know better than to underestimate her, of all ponies.

"I don't want to have to force myself past you, AJ, but like you just said, I don't have much of a choice either. This is a necessary endeavor."

"I... what? How could abusin' your temporary diplomatic immunity for somethin' like this possibly be necessary?"

"Because this is the only chance I'll ever get! If I don't do it tonight, it's never going to happen at all!"

"IT DOESN'T NEED TO HAPPEN, YA NINNY!"

"Woah there, watch the profanity, AJ."

"Oh, uh, sorry about that."

Cough.

Okay well now you're both just kind of standing there.

"I really don't want to hurt you, AJ. You guys are my closest friends."

"I don't either, darlin'. But surely ya know you shouldn't do this."

"I know I SHOULDN'T, of course I shouldn't. But I want to anyway. You can't tell me you've never considered doing it."

"I... can't honestly say I haven't thought about it."

"And no one will get in trouble either."

"That's kinda debatable."

"Look, if anyone is going to get in trouble, it's me. Diplomatic immunity or not, the public loves blaming the human. I'm used to it."

"Sure, but this time you'll actually be guilty. Twilight decided that we should give ya that one-day immunity thing because you're technically from a different country still, and we really don't wanna have ta arrest ya for violatin' ancient Equestrian law."

"How was I supposed to know that pineapple on pizza is illegal here?"

"Who puts pineapple on pizza in the first place?!"

"Creatures that can actually eat meat and pair said pineapple with ham!"

"Sugarcube, that's the most disgustin' thing I've ever heard!"

"Hey, I've gone vegetarian since coming here specifically to avoid scaring you all. I just wanted to remember at least half of that flavor sensation. Surely you know what it's like to miss the flavors of home."

"I... I do, yeah. It makes ya feel... lonely, I guess." Applejack lowers her head, her eyes obscured by her trademark hat as she contemplates for a moment. "Heh, maybe I shoulda considered that from your perspective. I'm sorry."

As Applejack looks up again, she is confused as you are nowhere to be seen. That is, until she hears the sound of your feet hitting the pavement behind her, having taken the brief moment that she was distracted to book it past her.

"Thanks for seeing things from my perspective, AJ! It means a lot!"

"I was talkin' about the pizza, darn it! Get back here!"

Before she can catch up to you, your eyes fall on your destination: A small, but undoubtedly extravagant villa. Making your way to the great set of double doors, you yank on them and are surprised to find them unlocked. Making your way inside, you slam the doors shut just in time to hear Applejack ram into them and begin yelling various obscenities at you. Locking the doors behind you, you turn around, taking in the sight of the grand foyer before you. It's time to get cracking.

You roll your shoulders and crack your knuckles in preparation for the task at hand. You imagine that your target is on the second floor. After all, what sort of confrontation ever occurred on the ground floor? Of course, you aren't expecting this to be easy, either. Basic pattern recognition tells you that with Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack behind you, Rarity and Twilight are probably already here to stop you. Fluttershy thankfully opted to stay out of this. And if your understanding of rising actions in adventures like this are anything to go off of, one of them is going to walk menacingly around the corner and reveal themselves at the top of the staircase you were about to climb and AHA TWILIGHT THOUGHT SHE WAS SLICK.

"You're not stopping me, Twilight. You're the one that wrote that document!"

"It was an oversight on my part. Was it wrong of me to trust that my friend wouldn't take advantage of me like this?"

"Well excuuuuuuuuse me, princess. You say that like you don't want this as much as I do."

"I... wouldn't admit that publicly, no."

"You're dodging the question."

"Look, are you going to turn back, or am I going to have to escort you out?"

As she raises a hoof, gesturing towards the doors you just came through, you quickly reach into your pocket and whip out a small camera, swiftly taking a photo of the pretty purple pony princess. She looks down at you with confusion, her mouth slightly agape.

"You know, thanks to that 'diplomatic immunity,' I have to be tried for any crimes I commit over the next few hours in my home country. Which, as we have discussed, is impossible thanks you to not being able to send me back home. That means I can get away with this."

"Not if we stop you from doing it in the first place."

"Ah-ah, I wasn't referring to what awaits our little prince up there. I was referring to illegal trespassing."

"Trespassing?"

"Yup. You know it's unlawful to enter someone's house without their consent. I may have diplomatic immuno-whatever, but you, miss 'ruler of Equestria,' do not."

"...You wouldn't dare."

"It would be a real shame if this photo of the trespassing princess got leaked to the press. I'm sure the Canterlot nobles would eat this up."

"You're awful, you know that? You're seriously going to blackmail your best friend?"

"Don't care didn't ask plus you're purple plus L plus ratio plus-"

"What are you even saying?"

"I'm saying that if you don't get out of my way, we're going to have some problems." With a quick flash of purple magic, your camera disappears from your hands, having teleported right into Twilight's grasp. In one swift movement she stomps on it, seemingly ruining your leverage in this argument. Without missing a beat, you smugly stare back at her and retrieve a second, completely identical camera from your other pocket and snap another photo. "Looks like we can add 'destruction of private property' to the list too."

"I hate you sometimes, you know that?"

You give her a playful pat on the back as you ascend the stairs and leisurely walk past her.

"Love you too, Twi."

You hear her stifle a groan as you see another flash of purple light from behind you, indicating that she has teleported away. With that done, there is only one thing left to do. Making your way to the end of the small hallway, you stand before the door to the master bedroom of this villa. At least, that's what you think it is. You don't exactly have a floor plan or anything so you've been kind of winging it since you got here. It'd be pretty embarrassing if this was the wrong door.

About ten minutes later you come to the twenty-sixth door in the house, having guessed incorrectly every single time until there was only one door left. After gathering yourself for a moment, you quietly open the door, revealing the gaudy bedroom inside.

With a tall ceiling, fancy purple curtains draped over the windows, an expensive-looking tea set on top of an equally expensive-looking table, and a canopy bed that's... appropriately fit for royalty, the room screams "compensating for something." There, asleep on the bed, rests your target: Prince Blueblood. Unfortunately for you, he is not the only pony present, as standing at the foot of the bed awaiting your arrival is the very much awake Rarity. In an attempt to not wake sleeping beauty over there, you whisper to her beneath your breath.

"Rares? I was expecting Twilight to be the last pony I run into. Climactic confrontation, and all that."

"Do you really think I want to be in here?"

"Yeah, yeah, you 'have to stop me' or whatever."

"Huh? Oh! Hahaha, no, darling, I'm not here to stop you."

"...You aren't?"

"Your plan was to use your diplomatic immunity to prank the heck out of Blueblood, was it not?"

"I... yeah? He's a jerk, and thanks to being a prince, he never really gets what's coming to him."

"I agree wholeheartedly, darling. That's why I am here to help you!"

"Wait, really? But you don't have diplomatic immunity like I do."

"Oh, darling, you'll take the blame for me, won't you?"

She stares at you with that look she gives when she is trying to manipulate someone. Those tricks will not work on you, harlot. Buuuuut, they also don't need to.

"Hey, a second pair of hands- er, hooves, certainly couldn't hurt. Come on, help me steal all of his clothes."

"Come now, that's just silly. Cut holes in them, instead. That way he becomes a fashion disaster in public!"

"I like the way you think, Rarity."

Over the course of the next hour, the two of you get to work in screwing over Blueblood in every way you can think of. Clogging the pipes in his bathroom, drawing obscene things on his face, sprinkling a little bit of poison joke into all of his food, putting buckets of water on top of all those stupid doors, causing a minor gas leak, taking the batteries out of his carbon monoxide detectors, the typical pranking sort of affairs. Finally, the two of you reconvene in the bedroom with the sleeping prince once more.

"Well, I think our work here is done, wouldn't you say, darling?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty much satisfied with that. Though, there is one more thing I would like to do. Um, can you teleport us out of here?"

"I'm not nearly as talented as Twilight, but I can at least try."

"Good, because you're going to need to do so in about three seconds."

Without warning, you sidle up to the bed, right next to Blueblood. Then, with a confident grin on your face, you reel back and throw the heaviest punch you can directly into Blueblood's gut, causing him to immediately wake up and begin wheezing in pain.

"What are you doing, darling?! This isn't a prank, this is just violence!"

"Yeah, but that felt really, really cathartic!"

"...One moment, please." You watch as Rarity gathers herself for about two seconds before walking up beside you. Then, just as swiftly and confidently as you, she reels back and bucks the still-reeling Blueblood, causing him to fall off of the bed on the other side. Over the sound of his coughs and sputters, she turns to look at you. "Let's get out of here, shall we?"

"By all means!"

With a flash, the two of you reappear outside of the villa, giggling all the while. As you begin to quickly walk away from the scene of the crime, you're met with Twilight, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, AJ, and Fluttershy, all looking at you with angry and/or judgemental eyes. Twilight breaks the awkward silence.

"Did you have fun?"

"Yes, actually, I did."

"Well, good for you. Would you like to take a look at this?" Twilight levitates a piece of parchment towards you, the fine print of which looks awfully familiar. The names of Twilight and the rest of your friends are on it, as well as your signature. It's the contract establishing your temporary diplomatic immunity, though you swear the text looks a bit different than you remember. Let's see here... "Let me make this easy on you. It says that those of us who agreed to draft this document obtain the same level of diplomatic immunity as you do for its duration."

"Woah woah woah, I didn't agree to that."

"Perhaps not, but you did agree to this."

She taps on a small piece of text near the bottom of the document, which states that "This document, and the contents contained therein, are subject to change. Any signature found on this document is indicative of consent towards these changes as they come."

"This feels... legally questionable."

"The whole document is legally questionable. We were trying to skirt around ancient Equestrian law in the first place, remember?"

"When was this new part added?"

"While you were running away. You didn't think Fluttershy was just sitting there twiddling her hooves, did you?"

"Um... maybe? You're, uh... not still mad, are you?" You feel your feet run cold as the mares look at you with evil grins on their faces. As they stand in a line in front of you, you slowly realize that Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity (Hey, wait, when did she get over there? That traitor!) are all suddenly ready and eager to do to you what you just did to Prince Blueblood. "Come on, guys, we can talk this out, right?"

You watch in horror as the girls set upon you, all manner of terrible ideas filling their heads about how best to use their newfound diplomatic immunity.

"Dear Princess Celestia, I regret nothing."

Okay maybe you regret a lot of things.

Author's Note

Been wanting to write something like this since season 1.

Thank you for reading! As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!