Chapters An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
It was a typically unpleasant day in the Faust forsaken desert known as the Badlands. The heat was enough to make a lava golem want a cold beer and the sand made walking on Legos not sound like a punishment from the depths of Tartarus. Despite the hellish conditions, a lone carriage being pulled by a timberwolf of all things made its way through Death Valley's bigger brother like it was no one's business.
One might think the wooden mutt would've burst into a walking bonfire by now, but luckily for the photosynthesizing mongrel, it had an enchanted white tarp draped over it, as did the carriage it was dragging. Holding the reins of the pyrophobic pinocchio puppy was a grey-purple teenage dragon with green eyes, wearing a brown leather vest and a bored, irritated expression on her face. Suddenly the tip of the timberwolf's leafy tail combusted.
"Hey Dartz! How much longer till we get to this stupid hive? Birch's tail just caught fire!"
In response a red eyed changeling with dragonfly wings, a lack of holes in his limbs and a tattered blue cloak poked his head out the carriage's window and watched the living lump of foliage frantically beat its tail against the ground to put out the flames.
"For the last time, I don't know! That fucker only gave me the direction and not the distance, and the only reason I couldn't throttle more information out of him is because he told me through a telepathic link I didn't even know changelings had! So we'll get there when we get there! Now shut the fuck up and drive, Kindle!"
Inside their transportation of choice, a griffin with maroon feathers and light brown fur laid on his back with a gray trilby over his face. The avian predator let out a long suffering sigh at the antics of his companions. He wouldn't take an offer of all the world's bits to be rid of them, but sometimes, such an offer looked really good.
"Archer."
Don't get him wrong, they were his best friends in the world.
"Archer!"
Hell! The whole reason he followed them to this one is so they didn't get themselves killed.
"Archer!"
But Dartz and Kindle were the only people who could test his patience more tha-
"Archer!"
"Whaaaat!"
Dartz blinked at the griffin's outburst, but quickly recovered.
"Where'd you put the extra water? Birch is on fire.", He said as if discussing the weather.
"Again? It's in the box on the left of that cider barrel we stole from that warehouse in Manehattan." This was stated in an equally casual tone.
"Thanks."
Archer watched as the black carapaced love eater got the large bottle of water and flew out the carriage door.
"Don't worry Birch! You won't become charcoal on our watch!"
Archer just smirked and shook his head.
It was honestly a miracle they'd come as far as they had. For context, before they were the motley crew you see before you, they were simply three human friends on earth living together in a shitty apartment, Arnold (Archer), Katie (Kindle) and Darren (Dartz). They'd all grown up in the same orphanage and went unadopted.
Having to navigate the world on their own, they eventually rented a crappy apartment from an asshole landlord who barely maintained the place; the jobs they got weren't exactly glamorous either. After five years of that, they died in an explosion because of a leaking gas pipe the landlord knew about, but didn't fix, the cheap bastard.
The following conversation went something like this.
"That fucker! That cheap, wrinkled, decrepit, wookie lookin' piece of shit! He said he fixed the pipe, that lying bastard!"
"I'm dead?! I can't be dead! There's so much I haven't done yet! I never owned a dog, or went to Hawaii, punched Russell Crowe in the face, o-or. My life can't be over yet!
"So this is what the end has in store for us. Not Heaven, Hell, or something in between. Just you, the people you died with and an endless abyss."
Three souls were floating in the middle of an infinite black void. Darren was cursing the very bloodline of their finkrat landlord, Arnold was freaking the fuck out and Katie was contemplating the nature of life and death.
"Calm down little souls." A serene voice broke through the white noise of the group's overlapping chatter.
Standing before them, smiling at the hapless trio in all her glory was Faust. Not Lauren Faust (not technically anyway), but the-
"Is that the fucking Fausticorn?" Darren oh so eloquently questioned.
"Yeah, I think so." Katie replied. "But it's probably just the Reaper taking a form that makes us more comfortable."
Arnold threw in his two cents "Or God just got bored and decided to mess with us"
The alicorn's smile grew fond, like a mother whose kids said something absolutely precious. "You're half right, Arnold. I am a God and I am bored. So I'm going to make you an offer."
"So you're gonna bring us to Equestria, right?"
"Darren!" Both his friends really weren't in the mood for him to piss off a deity.
Faust simply giggled at the bluntness "Why are you booing him? He's right. I take it that you're fans of my world?"
"Moderately. Heard on the internet that Discord's character development got trashed in the finale though." Darren shrugged
"Was mostly interested in the lore." Arnold made a 'so, so' gesture with his hand.
"We stopped watching after season four." Katie admitted.
"Perfect! Let's get to it!" The red maned mini horse excitedly pranced around the void in a not very fitting display for a god.
Arnold, ever the sceptic, cut her off. "Wait a minute! Why us? How? Equestria's just the setting of a cartoon for Christ's sake!"
Faust smirked. "Like I said, I'm bored. And introducing your souls to my multiverse will help quell that boredem. As for how, the omniverse is a big place. The chance of, anything is existing is pretty much a hundred percent."
Katie looked contemplative. "What do we really have to lose?"
"Nothing. We're fucking dead, remember?"
"Shut up Darren."
Arnold stared at the celestial being in front of him. They really didn't have anything to lose.
"Alright. We'll do it. On four conditions."
Faust looked intrigued. "Oh? Alright, name them."
"We're reborn together."
"Easy."
"We get to pick what we're reborn as."
"Done."
"We keep our memories of our last life."
"Eeeeeh. Sure."
"Didn't think you'd go for that one."
"You'll make a bigger impact if you know things you shouldn't."
"Ah"
Darren interrupted. "Hey, can I choose the next one?"
".... Fine."
"Music of our choice plays whenever we do something awesome!"
"Really?"
"I think that sounds good."
"See! Katie agrees!"
"Alrighty! Not getting any more entertained over here! What'd you wanna be?"
-Five minutes later-
A knock was heard on the door of an orphanage in Griffinberg in the middle of the night. Gale Typhoon, the head caretaker of the establishment opened the door, blinking the sleep from her eyes, she looked left and right, but saw no one. Looking down at her feet the elderly griffin saw a basket with three eggs, a griffin egg, a dragon egg and a green egg she couldn't identify. Each egg had a blanket with a name embroidered to it, Archer, Kindle and Dartz.
The old hen sighed. "These old bones just can't get any rest no more, can they?"
-Three weeks later-
The eggs had hatched after a week. As Gale expected the first two were a griffin and a dragon. They were simple to take care of, all three of the hatchlings quite unfussy for their age, concerningly unfussy actually. Archer and Kindle could be fed milk and meat slurries like all the other infants in their care.
But Dartz! No one in the entire town knew what he was! There was no information on the little bug, grub, thing and two days ago she was worried he'd starve because he'd throw up anything they fed him as a horrid green goop. Then one of the older children volunteered to take care of the three. When she picked up Dartz and he started inhaling a red mist that seemed to be coming from her chest! The poor dear almost dropped him out of shock! That just raised more questions! What was he eating? Was he dangerous? Why did his breath smell like sunshine and joy after he ate?
By the Great Western Winds she needed a drink.
-Three years later-
Archer, Kindle and Dartz were inseparable. They had all grown quite well, Kindle can now breathe fire, and Archer is learning to fly.
And then there was Dartz. Where does Gale even start? The little bug has grown to resemble a pony foal, except with black, shell-like skin, dragonfly wings, solid red pupiless eyes, a sharp crooked horn and razor sharp teeth.
At this point the workers stopped trying to figure Dartz out and let Archer, Kindle and Gale deal with him.
-Five years later-
Kindle's wings have grown in. The little lizard was quite proud and immediately tried to start flying. There's still bits of glass being found under the furniture to this day.
-Two years later-
The Trouble Trio as the town now calls them, are nothing but trouble (surprise, surprise). Dartz can APPARENTLY shapeshift and they were using it to cheat at poker of all things!
If she didn't love this job (and the kids she takes care of) she'd have quit decades ago.
-Five years later-
They found a spell book and made a bloody Timberwolf. Gale just can't anymore. His name is Birch and everyone loves him.
-One year later-
The trio is leaving Griffinberg. No she's not crying! Shut up!
-One year later-
Gale opened her newspaper to see a report of Archer, Kindle, Dartz (disguised as a gray unicorn with a red mane) and a Zebra being wanted in Baltimare for selling blue pills made of poison joke as "performance enhancers".
She smirked and shook her head. "Those kids are nothing but trouble."
Author's Note
This is my first fic ever. Doing it for fun. Might be good, might be bad. Constructive criticism welcome.
Fun fact: Dartz' and Archer's names are a Yu-Gi-Oh and Beyblade reference respectively.
An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
Chapter 1: Arrival at the Hive
"Hey, wake up. We're here."
Archer awoke to Kindle shaking him awake. He yawned, rolled off the couch and put his trilby on his head.
"Kay, I'm up. Where's Dartz?" He asked dowsily.
"Hive's entrance." She answered simply. "He's got your glaive, so don't worry about grabbing it on the way out."
As Kindle spoke, she slipped her fingers into her gold colored knuckle dusters. They were made of orichalcum. Tough, dense, magic resistant and very rare. Obtaining the metal had been an ordeal and a half and was a story for another time.
"You sure we should go in armed? I don't think old Queenie would like that." She asked.
"Maybe not, but if Dartz pisses her off then I want us to be able to at least try and fight our way out. Besides, Chrysalis ain't exactly known for singing about love, puppies and freedom of speech."
Kindle nodded "True. Welp, come on, time's a wastin'!"
Dartz watched his companions exit the wagon, idly spinning an orichalcum headed sledgehammer in his telekinetic grip, he lazily turned his gaze towards Birch, the timberwolf carrying Archer's glaive in his maw, its blade also made of orichalcum.
"Give it here." He telekinetically grabbed the weapon out of the mutt's wooden fangs and floated it over to Archer, who caught it with ease. After Birch went to sleep under the carriage, they were ready.
"Let's go." Dartz started his brisk trot towards the entrance.
The trilby sporting griffin glanced at the shapeshifter. Normally Dartz would have made a salty remark about Archer's sleeping habits, but he was unusually non-chatty.
"So. You nervous?" He asked, despite knowing the answer.
"Ppffft! No! Why would I be?"
As they walked through the tunnels of the gnarly stone spire, Archer and Kindle gave the red eyed changeling a deadpan stare.
Kindle spoke up. "Come on man, ya haven't made a single snarky remark since we got here."
Dartz stared at the dragoness, his expression neutral, but his ears drooped and his wings buzzed in agitation.
"Fine." He sighed. "I am… scared. I just don't want to make a bad impression."
Archer raised an eyebrow. "Since when have you cared about what others think of you? Your life goal seems to be making as many bad impressions as possible."
The glare the griffin received was sharp enough to cut stone.
"This is different. It's gonna be my first in person interaction with other members of my species. I wanna make them think I'm at least not a total disgrace to everything changelings are. You get me?"
Kindle smiled softly and patted Dartz's back. "Yeah, I get it. I hadn't even seen a dragon till we met Magma, and I was terrified of making a fool of myself too."
Archer nodded. "Don't worry man, we got your back."
The shapeshifter didn't verbally respond to their reassurance, but he did crack a smile.
"Ahem." A gruff, feminine voice cut the moment short, causing everyone's heads to snap towards a female changeling, wearing a blue chest plate and blue armored horse shoes on her fore hooves.
"Hate to interrupt your little pow-wow, but the Queen has been made aware of your presence and wants you in the throne room."
She briefly glanced at the weapons they had with them. "I see that you are armed. A bold decision, but the Queen and the rest of the hive won't be a threat to you, so long as you… behave."
After the trio were able to calm their tap dancing hearts, the unnamed changeling led them through the winding, rapidly shifting geometry of the hive.
Numerous changelings walked and buzzed about, all with the trademark feature of holes in their limbs. None of them stopped for anything, but many stared at the newcomers as they passed by.
The soldier looked towards the newcomers, specifically Dartz and his holeless legs.
"You are… well fed"
Dartz, blinked, caught off guard by the statement. "Oh, yeah. We grew up in a Griffinberg orphanage together. We're practically siblings, lotta love to go around you know."
Archer piped up. "I couldn't help but notice that your holes are smaller than the other changelings around here."
The griffin's statement went ignored. "I see. Well then, outsiders. Feast your eyes on hive central and our greatest treasure, The Mother Tree. "
At the center of the hive was a large, leafless tree, about the size of a three story building with pitch black bark. The tree was hollow, looking as if something had burst out from the inside thanks to a hole large enough to fit a semi-truck. And in the hole, a brilliant, green, glowing crystal sphere, the size of a minotaur could be seen shining brightly.
"Shiny!"
"That's a really big tree."
"Frickin' Majestic!"
As the trio looked at the tree in awe, the armored changeling smirked at their reaction.
"If you would please pick up your jaws and follow me to the top floor."
As they walked up a winding slope, Archer frowned, as in the corner of his eye, he spotted the glow of the tree briefly dim and flicker.
As they approached the throne room, the fully armored guards crossed their spears, blocking their path.
Their guide scowled. "Smoke, Mirrors, what's the meaning of this? You know these are the ones the Queen wants to see!" She hissed.
Smoke, the guard on the left gave an equally venomous glare. "Well, Silica! If you must know, the Queen only wants to see the changeling right now! The other two aren't to meet her at the moment." Her dual toned voice buzzed with annoyance.
"My name is Dartz!"
The now named Silica turned to Kindle and Archer. "Come on. Your friend's on his own for now." Her frown never left her face.
Archer sighed. "Ok Dartz, you can do this."
Kindle nodded and smiled. "Just be yourself. Oh! And don't insult her to her face!"
A toothy smirk worked its way onto the changeling's lips. "When have I ever insulted anyone in any other way!"
As he walked into the throne room, he was greeted to the sight of THE Queen Chrysalis, sitting on her throne, looking alot like she did on the show. But since this was real she was far more intimidating. Her expression was neutral, but her eyes were taking in every bit of him, somewhere between a predator trying to figure out if he was food or not and a politician deciding if he were an asset or inconsequential.
Dartz gulped.
Finally, she smiled. "Greeting Dartz. I've been quite eager to meet you."
"H-hey." 'God, I hope the others are having a better time than I'm gonna.'
-Meanwhile-
In one of the hive nurseries. Kindle held a giggling nymph in her claws as she tickled him with the tip of her tail.
"Aren't you just the cutest!"
The nymph pouted. "I'm not cute! I'm the scariest being you'll ever meet!"
"Suuuuure you are."
Archer crawled up to her, missing his trilby and more than a few feathers. "These children are freaking hellspawn." Coincidentally, a nymph walked by wearing a headdress similar to those worn by native american chiefs.
The dragon covered the child's ears, as the young should not hear such slander. "What! But they're adorable!"
The disgruntled griffin massaged his shoulder. "You're only saying that cuz you didn't get any of the anklebiters."
Silica grinned. "You agreed to help feed them."
"You insisted"
Silica just laughed. The bitch.
Author's Note
First (technically second) chapter out. Sorry for the wait, but between studying and lack of motivation, it wasn't getting done quickly.
So, I will be using the comic's origin for changeling, but with a slight twist you'll see next chapter. Silica will be a recuring character. In this story changeling names will mostly come from bug related terms but also terms, words and phrases related to deception, illusions, missleading and ocassionally lust.
An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
Chapter 2: A Lovely Discussion
"So tell me Dartz, what do you know about changelings?"
"Honestly, your highness, not much. Just that we shapeshift and eat love." That was mostly true, seeing the Mother Tree had confirmed that the comic's origin for changelings was true in some regard, but besides that, Dartz had no idea about their history, culture or hierarchy (aside from Chrysalis being at the top of it of course). Hell, he'd only learned about the hive mind a few days ago!
The Queen got up from her throne and placed a trypophobia inducing hoof onto his shoulder. "Worry not my dear subject. For I shall not let you go ignorant of the ways of the Hive much longer. But first, how was your life before coming here?"
Dartz blinked. "Huh. I didn't think you'd be interested in that."
"One of my subjects has lived his entire life completely isolated from the rest of his kind, raised by creatures who had no idea what he even was or how to properly care for him. I'm surprised that you seem so healthy."
"Well, when you put it that way it does sound pretty bad. But I was well cared for, believe me. Granny Gale would pluck every feather from her wings before she let a child suffer under her watch."
Chrysalis noticed this. "You speak highly of her. Who is she to you?"
"She was the head of an orphanage in Griffinberg. She helped raise me and friends there. Pretty much hatched us herself."
The Queen took her time in observing Dartz' figure. "She seems to have done an exceptional job at that. You're one of the most well fed changelings I've seen in a long time."
"Yeah. After a while we moved out. Started traveling across Equestria, do some odd jobs here, scam some ponies there, sellin' a few magic items we found while on the road. It's just me, Archer and Kindle, out on the highway. Well, Birch too."
"I see. You've lived a… decent life." The royal changeling moved past him, heading towards the throne room exit. "Now come with me. It's time that you're shown what it means to be a changeling."
Dartz quickly followed after her. " 'Bout damn time. Where're we going though?"
Chrysalis' eyes glowed a bright green. "To see my brother. He should be at the Mother Tree at this time."
-5 minutes later with Archer and Kindle-
Silica stepped out of the nursery, the two visitors trailing after her.
"So, how you two feelin' ?" She asked with a faux sweet tone.
Archer (with his hat reclaimed) glowered at her. "Like someone who just remembered why he's never having kids."
Kindle giggled. "So what's next, Silica?"
"Weeeeeeeeell. The Princes should be meditating at the Mother Tree by now. Wanna watch?"
Archer raised an eyebrow. "Sure. But why is this Mother Tree so important anyway? You don't give such a name to a regular tree."
The soldier nodded, but before she could answer, she was interrupted.
"It is from which the first changelings spawned, and the host of our hive mind. We also use it to store love." A regal, male voice spoke from behind them.
The group turned around to see three changelings, each with features that easily distinguished them for the other inhabitants of the hive. The one in the center was the tallest, rivaling Chrysalis' height, with the same slitted pupils and green irises she had and his mane was styled in a short, slicked back faux hawk.
The other two had a far closer resemblance to the typical changeling, the one on the left having a magenta shell and eyes as well a crimson head frill. The Prince on the right had a pale green shell and eyes and a light gray head frill. Neither of them were much taller than Silica.
Silica bowed. "Your highnesses."
The tallest prince raised his hoof. "At ease. So, these are the newcomers. Greetings. I am Prince Pincer, and these are my nephews, Pharynx and Thorax."
The magenta eyed changeling (Pharynx) gave a curt nod, while his brother shyly waved.
Kindle waved back. "Sup?"
Archer threw up a peace sign. "Yo."
The elder prince smiled. "You wanted to watch our meditation, didn't you Silica? Very well. You three will be welcome to come with us."
Silica bowed once again. This time she telekinetically forced Archer and Kindle to bow with her. "Thank you, your highness."
The group made their way to the way to the tree, where Dartz and Chrysalis were waiting for them.
"I see you've already met our other guests, brother."
"Greetings, sister. Is he ready?"
Dartz watched as Pharynx and Thorax sat at the tree's base before roots sprouted from the ground and wrapped around their horns. "Ready for what?"
"To finally be part of the Hive." Echoing voice rang through his head.
Pincer guided Dartz forward and sat him down at the base of the tree's trunk, the Prince's hooves on the former human's shoulders.
"Simply relax. This will be painless." The royal's horn and eyes began to glow a bright green. Soon, two roots sprouted from the ground and latched onto each of their horns. "Just… focus. Breath."
Dartz' vision was suddenly engulfed in a white flash and he was soon alone in a white void.
"Hello. Anyone there?"
"Everyling is here."
He turned around to see Thorax behind him. Why did he seem so familiar? Wait!
"I know you! You're the guy that found me!"
Thorax sheepishly scratched the back of his head. "Yes. I-I came across you while meditating. Your connection to the hive mind was almost nonexistent. It's a miracle I found you at all."
Dartz gave his typical fanged grin. "Thanks man. But what did you mean by, "Everyling is here."?"
It was Thorax's turn to grin now. "Exactly what it sounds like."
As if on cue, changeling of all shapes, sizes and ages started appearing in void, one by one. Although none said a word, he could still hear them welcome him. He knew everyone's names, knew the most important parts of the Hive's history. It was. Overwhelming.
"So, how does it feel to be part of the hive?"
Dartz turned his head to see Pincer beside him.
"It's… weird. Like a warm hug in the back of my head."
"Hmm. Not the first time it's been described that way. Well, let's go. I'm sure your friends would like you to wake up."
He woke up with a jolt, almost throwing up from the sudden dizziness he felt, Pincer rubbing his back. The roots that were connected to the two changelings shriveled into dust and the tree's gem lost its glow for a solid five seconds before lighting up again.
Kindle blinked. "Is it meant to do that?" she asked nervously.
Chrysalis sighed. "It's dying."
Archer raised an eyebrow. "Do you know why?"
Pincer nodded. "The working theory is that it's because we've moved it to a place so inhospitable to most life. Its own magic has kept it alive all this time, but soon that won't be enough."
The maroon feathered griffin blanched. "You moved THIS !" He yelled, gesturing to the towering tree. "How? Why?"
"The war." Dartz responded.
The frazzled, feathered felon turned to the royals with widened eyes. They both had an exhausted look in their eyes. Chrysalis sighed before speaking. "Our mother was… ambitious, for a lack of a better term. She rallied the old hive to war with Equestria, and we all paid for it. Forcing us even further into hiding than before."
Pincer stared at the tree's gem and scowled. "There are few who know of us today. And those that do think we're either a myth, or extinct. We curse that old hag's foolishness everyday. Though, some ponies could trace parts of their ancestry back to changelings if they knew what to look for."
Dartz contemplated the repercussions of what he was about to do. 'Fuck it.' he thought. "What if you didn't have to hide anymore?"
"Explain."
"Sooo, do either of you know about the Crystal Empire, your highnesses?"
Chrysalis turned to him. "Of course we do. It was the kingdom in the Frozen North that thrived on the power of the very thing that sustains us. Sealed away by the mad tyrant Sombra after those accursed sisters defeated him."
Pincer chimed in. "Our great-grandmother once attempted to launch an invasion there before his reign. Unfortunately the first wave of infiltrators couldn't make the trip due to the cold. The Crystal ponies didn't learn of it, as it failed before it even began."
Dartz nodded and smirked. "Shwingo. What I suggest is that you succeed where gram-gram failed. With the advancements in magic and winter clothing, the cold shouldn't be a problem."
Pharynx scoffed. "Last I checked, runt, it was sealed away. Vanished without a trace. How do we conquer what's not there?"
Chrysalis elbowed Pharynx and sent a telepathic order for him and his brother to leave before turning her glare towards the cloaked changeling. "Yes. How would we go about doing that? I highly doubt you would bring this up for nothing. We wouldn't want to waste my time now, would we?"
The trio gulped. Archer then stepped forward, ready to either fill the hole Dartz had dug for them, or make it that much deeper. "No, we wouldn't, your highness. But not too long ago we came across some texts that suggested the empire's return to this realm."
"You expect me to believe that?"
"Nope."
All eyes turned to Kindle. Her companion's eyes widened.
"That's why we ask for five days of your trust in us."
Pincer seemed intrigued. "And what will you do with this trust?"
Kindle's grin threatened to split her face. "Nothing. It's what's going to happen in five days that's important."
Chrysalis frowned. "Enough with the cryptic nonsense! What happens in five days?!"
"The return of Nightmare Moon."
Pincer blinked in pure shock. "The disgraced Lunar Scourge is returning?" He chuckled. "With such bold claims you're either simply delusional or telling the truth."
Archer took his hat off and fanned himself with it. "We even know where she'll show up. The Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville."
Chrysalis laughed. "Of course. What better way to spite her sister than to hijack a day dedicated to her sun? But that doesn't tell us when the Empire will return."
"Shortly after the wedding of Princess Cadence and Shining Armor." He answered.
The Queen looked thoughtful, before her eyes glowed a sickly green for a brief moment.
"Alright. Here's what's going to happen: you're going to go to Canterlot and find something that could give us a tactical advantage for a possible takeover of the Empire, and you'll have to make a deal with one or both members of the royal couple without Celestia learning of it. If you can accomplish that, you'll be rewarded. If not, I'll show you exactly what happens to those who waste my time." She punctuated her last statement with a lick of her chops.
The three hapless creatures rapidly nodded their heads. As they did this guard approached the Queen and hoofed her a beetle amulet. Its shell was emerald green and its legs were obsidian black.
"Good. Return to your post. Now, the nature of this deal. Get either Shining Armor or the Princess of Love to wear it. Cadence would be ideal but either is fine."
Kindle took the amulet and admired it from all angles before passing it to Dartz. "Heck of a wedding gift, but what's it do?"
"It absorbs the love of the wearer over time. Perfect for when a Changeling is at max capacity for love or can't be near a target for a while. It can only hold love for two weeks though. Whenever it's full, my agents in Canterlot will siphon love from the amulet and transport it back here. All under her nose."
Archer nodded. "Aight. We can do this."
"Good. Pincer, see them off. I have other business that needs attending to. Silica, you live in Canterlot, don't you?"
"Yes your highness, with my husband."
"You shall go with them."
"Of course."
While everyone else left for the hive entrance, Pincer stayed behind. "Are you sure this is wise, sister?"
"Not in the slightest. But even if they're wrong or lying, the potential payoff could be worth it. Love! From the Princess of Love and her little colt toy? It could be just what we need."
The Prince turned to leave. "I hope you're right."
-Five minutes later-
"On behalf of the hive, I wish you luck on your trip and hope you can come back to visit some time."
"Many thanks, your highness."
"It'd be an honor."
"Hope to see you soon."
"Hell yeah, we'll come back! I still need a full tour!"
Pincer glanced at the trio's wagon. "I'm surprised this thing made it here in such good condition. The sand-sharks are usually quite active during the day."
The trio's eyes widened, and Dartz voiced their one collective thought: "The fucking what?!"
Faust had clearly decided to go easy on them for this trip to the hive. Surely, she'd show them the same mercy as they left, right?
RIGHT?!
-1 hour later-
Archer flew above the desert and fired a bolt from his heavy crossbow into the face of a shark made of stone, seven more swimming through the sand in hot pursuit of the timberwolf drawn wagon.
"Kindle, can't Birch go any faster?!" He yelled as he reloaded.
"He's doing his best! Lay off!"
"Dartz, can't you cast a Shadow Gate!?"
From his perch on top of the wagon, Dartz telekinetically spun a sand shark over his head before launching it at another. "With what shadows?! It's MID ! DAY ! In an empty fucking desert!"
As Silica shot a concussive beam at their pursuers, a single thought crossed her mind. 'These idiots are gonna get me killed.'
-Meanwhile-
A certain goddess watched their plight, laughing her ass off.
Author's Note
I honestly didn't expect this chapter to be as long as it is. Sorry if it's boring. It's more of a setup chapter for 3 and 4, and was a real bitch to write.
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An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
Chapter 4: Just your Average Teenage Outlaws
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Chrysalis stood in a chamber of the hive that she hadn't been to in centuries. The walls and floor were caked in dirt and cobwebs from the years of disuse.
The room was silent. They only sound coming from the echoing 'clip clop' of her hooves on the stone floor. She stood at the foot of a bed that had at one point been ornate, but now was rotting under a millenia's worth of dirt and grime.
This bed had been the one her mother, Queen Pupatara had died in when she succumbed to her injuries from her final, foolish battle with Celestia.
The royal changeling tore her gaze from the decaying mattress and towards the rusting metal chest that sat beside it. She brushed aside the layer of dust that sat atop the steel box before forcing it open with her magic.
Inside was a neatly folded green cloth that she unfolded into a full sized banner. This banner depicted a two pronged staff shaped like a beetle's horns. Embroidered below it in Ancient Equestrian were the words "The Hive is the Heart. The Swarm is the Soul." in golden thread.
The Queen sneered. "If only you knew the value of these words, you shortsighted bint."
"Sister?" She turned around to see Pincer poking his head through the door.
"Oh. It's just you. Do you need something?"
The prince awkwardly looked to the side. "I wanted to make sure you were ok. When I heard you came down here I thought something was wrong."
Chrysalis sighed and looked her brother in the eye. "Pincer, am I making the right choices?"
-Meanwhile-
Celestia sat at her desk, solid, shiny and polished to perfection, staring at the pile of paperwork she had yet to finish. Her office was quiet, not a single sound from within the white marble walls.
Three days. Three days until the Summer Sun Celebration. Three days until her sister's return. Three days until she has to send her faithful student to risk her life to finish what she started.
She gazed out the window and sighed. It was almost time to lower the Sun. "Am I doing the right thing Lulu? Did I fail you? Have I failed this kingdom?"
A small part of her already knew the answer, but soon, maybe she'd be able to rectify that. She could finally have her back.
Or maybe it would fail. What if she couldn't be stopped? What if the world was plunged into a cold unforgiving end in the eternal night, Luna too deep in her madness?
What if… the Elements simply… resealed her? Could she watch that happen a second time? Would it be some kind of twisted cycle? Doomed to only see her dear Luna every thousand years as a bitter shadow of herself! Surely Harmony couldn't be that cruel?
She slapped herself. Definitely painful with her shoes on, but she'd felt worse. "Pull yourself together Celly. You should have more faith in your student. It's her destiny after all." She told herself as she rubbed her temples.
Her ears swiveled towards her door as a knock echoed throughout the office.
Oh good. A distraction from her thoughts. She put on her best smile. "Come in."
"Good afternoon your majesty." Shining Armor and the guard with him bowed after they entered the room.
Her smile faltered at the sight of her student's brother. "At ease. Is there something you need?"
"Yes, ma'am. We came to report that a griffin broke into the royal archive. He doesn't seem to have taken anything of particular interest, but we can't be too sure. He also had an accomplice, a unicorn. They both seemed young. Late teens at least."
Amazing. Honestly just what she needed.
"Have these individuals been apprehended?"
"No… they haven't… your majesty. But they are being pursued as we speak."
Ok. The situation could still be salvaged. "I suppose that's fine for now. But are you sure they haven't taken anything important?"
"We're sure."
"Very well. You are dismissed."
As they closed the door, the guard that accompanied Shining Armor turned to him.
"With all due respect sir, but why didn't you tell her about the vault?" The stallion inquired.
"The vault is obviously something she didn't want anypony to know about. With the Summer Sun Celebration coming up, it's approaching the second busiest time of the year and she doesn't need the extra stress. Telling her some random griffin found it wouldn't help."
It was technically the truth. But there were other reasons.
The guard seemed skeptical, but relented. "Of course sir."
-Elsewhere-
How long has it been?
We don't know.
No matter. It's almost time. Soon we shall be free, and all Equestria shall finally love thy night.
We don't want to do this. We think it's time to… stop.
What? Thou surely jest. Doth thou expect that she'll forgive us after our betrayal?
… Maybe. It's been so long…surely.
And then what? Thou hast not forgotten our promise after all this time?
…
Well?
…
Luna? What was thy plan for us after thy dear sister would welcome thou back with open hooves?
…
ANSWER US!
We're… sorry.
What!? But… thou promised. THOU PROMISED!
Pleas-
NO! Thou might see it fit to break thy word! But we don't! We shall make Equestria love thou! And maybe then… you'll love us too.
What hast we created?
Author's Note
Short interlude to tide you over while I work on chapters 5 and 6. Running theme here is familial issues.
An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
Chapter 5: A Pleasant City (E)scape
Silica let out a sigh of content. She lay on her couch in her true form, her spouse draped on top of her. His name was Passion Project, a navy-blue pegasus with a black mane and amber eyes, his cutie mark depicting a protractor and pencil. They'd known each other for nine years, he'd known her nature as a changeling for six and they'd been married for five, her under the guise of the glass making pegasus, Silica Soul.
Passion snuggled closer. "Something on your mind babe?"
She let out a small trill as her back sunk deeper into his fur. "Nah. Just… happy to be back."
"Bet I know how to make you even happier~." His voice took on a teasing tone.
"Ooooh~! What is it~?"
"I got those Zebrican chocolates you like.~"
Silica twisted underneath him so that they were chest to chest and stared at him with a smirk and half lidded eyes. "Passion Junkyard Project, are you trying to seduce me?" She practically purred.
The stallion lightly kissed her forehead, eliciting a giggle. "That depends. Is it working?"
"Maybe."
Nervousness "Hey Silica."
Irritation, sexual frustration "Dartz. It has been two weeks since I've seen my husband. What the hell do you want?"
Nervousness, indignation, realization "Well, you know how we needed to get some info on the Crystal Empire?"
Irritation, acceptance "What did you do?"
Embarrassment "Archer was seen by the guards and now they're chasing after us, so we can't stay in Canterlot. We got a map for the Empire and made contact with Shining Armor though."
Anger, disappointment, acceptance "But because you can't be here you need me to keep contact with him. Is that right?"
Embarrassment, apologetic "Yeah…sorry."
Passion watched his wife's eyes glow before she crawled out from under him, pacing up and down with her eye twitching dangerously and her wings buzzing in agitation. He did the smart thing and made sure the couch was between them. He loved her, but her temper could flare up in a very literal sense.
"What's wrong dear?"
She sighed. "One of my hivemates did something stupid and I'm the one stuck with damage control."
"Oh." They couldn't carry on with their original plans since the mood had been brutally murdered in front of its family. But he still had one way to cheer her up. "You still want those chocolates?"
Silica slumped onto the couch with a groan. "Baby, I think I need those chocolates right now."
-2 minutes later-
Dartz (pegasus form) rode atop Birch through the streets of the city, still in his pegasus form. The psychic conversation he'd had went about as well as he figured it would. But that wasn't important right now. He needed to get to their wagon.
As they went along, he rubbed between Birch's ears. "This is a fine load of shit we're in."
The wooden hound barked in agreement before picking up the pace. The place the wagon was parked wasn't far now. He just had to get there and they'd already be halfway to being home free.
The timberwolf weaved through the crowd, occasionally knocking the odd pony over, but they went ignored. Soon, they turned the right corner and were greeted by their parking spot.
"Oh my god! Finally!" He pulled into the wagon station and stashed the map inside before quickly attaching Birch's harness. He wrapped the reins around his hooves and let out a large sigh.
"Let's go dog!"
-Meanwhile-
Kindle walked with Spike in tow, absentmindedly listening to the little dragon's tangent relating to his hobby, comic books.
"While most fans prefer the version of the Power Ponies "Broken Prism" arc that was written by Night Writer, I personally think the version penned twenty years prior by Silent Quill is superior. Though, I will admit, Night Writer gave the fight between Mane-iac and Hair Razor a certain flair the original lacked."
Kindle nodded. "I think that's because in the Silent Quill version they fight the exact same way, while in the Night Writer version, Mane-iac's mane lashed around wildly and sporadically like living tendrils, while Hair Razor's moved in straight lines and sharp angles, wordlessly conveying that she was the more mentally stable of the two."
"Wow." He stared up at her with mild surprise. "I guess only a small part of my brain really noticed that detail. I guess being able to show things without explaining them is one advantage comics have over other kinds of books."
Kindle ruffled Spike's head frills with a smile. "Even when you're old and gray, never let anyone make fun of you for liking books with pictures in 'em."
"Excuse me ma'am." The two fire lizards turned to see a guard (pegasus) walking toward them. "I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."
Kindle raised an eyebrow. "First of all, don't call me "ma'am". Second. What for? I don't think I've done anything illegal (lately)."
The guard didn't seem amused. "Recently, two assailants broke into the castle. After asking around it seems that multiple witnesses have seen you with them before the crime took place."
"Oh. Shit." What'd those fools do now?
The stallion raised his hoof to stop her."Miss, you're not in trouble, I just want to ask you the whereabouts of these individuals."
She turned to Spike and handed the books she was holding back to him. "Alright then. Hey Spike, looks like this is where we part ways. Sorry kid."
"It's fine. You wanna hang out again sometime?"
"Sure man." She turned to the guard. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to be asthmatic would you?"
The pony tilted his head in confusion. "No. Why?"
By the time he'd finished the word "Why" she'd taken a deep breath and blown a large cloud of smoke in his face and ran.
"Sorry again Spike!"
"Hey! *cough! Ack!* Get back here!"
-Elsewhere-
Archer watched a guard pass by the alley he was hidden in before bolting to the other side of the street, making sure to pass between large groups of ponies so as to not be seen from above.
"Come on. How hard is it to find a purple dragon in a city full of technicolor horses?"
A hoof on his shoulder interrupted his train of thought. "Don't know. How hard is it to find a griffin in a stupid hat?"
Archer looked back to be greeted with the piercing gaze of Sure Fire, then looked down to see he was somehow already wearing cuffs. "Just my fuckin' luck, huh?"
"What? Don't think you were caught by a skilled and capable guard?"
"No, not really."
"Mean." The guard stallion pouted. "Now, I think it's best if you return what you stole and tell me where your friend is. If you cooperate you might get off easy."
"If I wanted to do that I'd go find a strip club. Besides, I don't even have the papers with me."
Several other guards ran up and interrupted them. "Sir! A wagon being drawn by a timberwolf was sighted headed to the park!"
Sure Fire turned to the griffin with a smug grin. "Just like what you came in on, right?"
Archer tried and failed to facepalm. "Goddamn it."
"Alright, follow me. I know a path we can use to cut 'im off." He turned his glare towards his captive. "And don't you even think about running away!"
-Meanwhile-
Kindle ran through the crowded streets, mostly unobstructed by ponies who got out of her way upon noticing her. The crowd also prevented the pegasus guard that pursued her from simply dive bombing her.
The dragoness looked ahead of herself, seeing that she was heading to a crossroad with a much thinner crowd than the rest of the street.
"Alright, fuck it!" She picked up her pace and began to spread her wings in preparation to fly.
The dragoness broke through the and jumped into the air, only to be grabbed by her tail and dragged down the street.
Regaining her bearings, she realized that she was flying alongside the wagon she and her friend shared, being dragged through the air like a scaly kite by the green, glowing telekinetic grasp of Dartz (unicorn form).
"Hey Kindle!" He promptly yanked her into the box seat to sit beside him. "Ya miss me?" He asked, flashing her an infectious grin.
Kindle rolled her eyes fondly. "Not in the slightest." She looked behind them to see her pursuers disengage from the chase. "So what did you two do to get the Solar Patrol on our butts?"
The"We got what we came for, but Archer got spotted."
"Ahaha! All in favor of never letting him live this down, say aye!"
"Aye!"
"Aye!"
"*bark!*"
"Alright. So it was Archer's job to find you." He handed her the reins and crawled into the wagon through the window. "But since I found you first, we should wait for him in the park. We're almost there anyway."
"Sounds good. But don't you think it's weird those guards stopped following us? Some of them were pegasi, keeping up with Birch shouldn't be a problem for them."
Dartz pulled a spellbook from between the couch cushions and started leafing through its pages. "Guess that means we should be ready for a fight." He found the page he was looking for and began revising the spell he needed. "Anything interesting happen while we were gone?"
"I met Spike. Really nice kid."
"Really? Cool. I punched Shining Armor in the face."
"Only you Dartz. Only you."
-5 minutes later-
"Hey Dartz. You ready to cast a Shadow Gate now?"
"Yeah, I think I can manage."
"Good, cuz we're gonna need it!"
The changeling peaked out the window to see just what Kindle was talking about.
"Wow, that's a lot of guards. And Archer got caught!"
Kindle grinned. "Ramming speed?"
Dartz let a mad cackle fall from his lips. "For sure!"
Just as Dartz said, a large group of guards all lined up to form a blockade in the path to the park, fully intent on stopping them in their tracks.
On the other side of the barrier, Sure Fire turned to his captive, who now had his wings bound to his sides by a belt and smirked.
"Here they come now. If they have even half a brain, they'll give themselves up."
"Trust me. They somehow have way more and way less than that."
The guard furrowed his brow in confusion. "That doesn't make any sense."
Archer looked to the distance and watched as a green forcefield in the shape of a basic ramp formed in front of Birch, obviously intended to be used as a plow or battering ram of sorts. The timberwolf also seemed to be speeding up.
"With those two involved, it doesn't need to."
Sure Fire turned to the blockade to witness the other guards breaking formation to get out of the path of the charging timberwolf. Most succeeded, but a few unlucky ones got bowled over like dominos.
The griffin felt Dartz' magical grasp around his abdomen and was dragged into the wagon through its window, flipping the guardstallion off as he flew.
Sure Fire stared in shock as the wagon sped off into the distance before regaining his composure. He glared at the scattered guards. "Well?! What are you foals standing around for?! AFTER THEM!"
-Meanwhile-
Dartz undid the straps around Archer's wings as the griffin picked the locks on his hand cuffs with one of his feathers.
"You ok?" The changeling asked
"Yeah, I'm good."
"You two done back there?!" Kindle yelled from the driver's seat. "Cuz we got guards on our tail!"
"Alright! Sheesh!" Dartz sat in the center of the wagon and started charging his horn. "I've always hated this next part."
Kindle made Birch veer hard to the left to avoid a divebomb from a pegasus.
"Daaaaaaartz!"
"I'm working on it!"
Archer stuck his head through the window and saw the ground based guards, including Sure Fire running alongside them. "Stop! You have violated the law!"
"They're gaining on us!"
"Working! On it!"
The stressed out spellslinger shot his head out the window and searched the rapidly moving scenery for a place with sufficient shade, soon finding what he was looking for.
"Kindle! Get us into that alleyway!"
"Right!" The dragoness pulled the reins, causing Birch to swerve left towards an alleyway that was particularly dark.
A sickly green light burst forth from Dartz' horn towards the space between the buildings, causing the shadows to rapidly morph on contact, forming a pitch black portal.
Birch was completely unphased by this, charging straight foward and diving in, the portal closing behind the wagon the moment it crossed the edge of its entrance.
The guards who witnessed this method of fast-travel skidded to a halt to avoid colliding with the alleyways walls, crashing into each other in the process.
An utterly fuming Sure Fire crawled out from under the pile of guards and let out a yell of rage toward the sky.
-Meanwhile-
The exit portal spat the trio out at the base of Canterlot Mountain, the wagon bouncing twice before coming to a stop. Kindle scrambled down from the box seat and began puking her guts out in a nearby bush.
Hanging his head out the wagon's window, Archer looked up at the city at the side of the mountain and whistled.
"Damn, Dartz. I think this is the furthest your Shadow Gate's ever taken us."
The aforementioned changeling gave a dispassionate grunt from his position on the floor, too tired to maintain his disguise. "Praise me later. Feed me now." He groaned out with all the joy of someone with five hangovers.
"Fine, fine, ya big baby." He shifted over to his friend and shoved his face into his chest feathers. Before long, he felt the familiar sensation of his love being drained.
Kindle opened the wagon door and sprawled herself onto the couch. "Archer, you drive while I try to stop the world from spinning."
Dartz raised his head from Archer's chest. "Does this world even spin?"
Instead of answering that very good question, Archer asked his own. "How long till the S.S.C.?"
"Took us two days to get to Canterlot. So three days."
The griffin placed Dartz on the couch beside Kindle, exited the wagon and climbed into the box seat, taking the reins and prompting Birch to start moving. "So what do we do in the meantime?"
"Well. The nearest town is Ponyville (man, that name sounds dumber the older you get). So I say we head there, get some supplies, maybe fix up the wagon. Pretty sure one of the wheels is cracked. 'Sides, I never did get to set up that ring toss."
Dartz regained enough energy to chime in. "I say we loot the Castle of Two Sisters while we're at it."
"That place is a thousand years old. What would we actually find there?"
"If the friendship ex machina could stay there untouched for that long, I'm sure there's something valuable left there."
"What you think Archer?"
Archer looked up to see the Sun beginning to set, scratched his beak and shrugged. "I say… we get there when we get there."
- Night time, Canterlot -
Shining Armor trotted through one of the seeder parts of the city in a gray cloak, cautious of his surroundings.
His journey ended in front of the husk of an abandoned pub. A pegasus mare in a green poncho loitered in the alley beside it.
He walked up to her and she looked at him expectantly.
'Probably waiting for me to use the password.'
He pulled out the amulet Dartz had given him and presented it to her. "Battle routine. Set."
The mare gave a wry smile before responding. "Execute. You really are serious about this, huh? Well come on then. I'll help you iron out the finer details of this deal."
Shining said nothing. He could only hope he was doing the right thing.
Author's Note
For context: the interlude and the daytime section of this chapter happen simultaneously.
The password is a Battle Network reference. Fun fact: Shining Armor and Megaman.EXE share the same voice actor and Dartz is fully aware of that fact (who do think came up with the password?)
An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
Chapter 6: Run Wild. Run (Ever)Free.
Author's Note
I have no excuses. I've been procrastinating. Enjoy.
Chapter 6: Run Wild. Run (Ever)Free.
-Night time: Canterlot-
Shining Armor stood in an abandoned building across from the pegasus mare and apparent changeling. Silica is what she called herself.
"You know, I'm still surprised you came alone. You're either really brave or really stupid. But then again, gotta have a certain amount of trust to make a proper deal, right Mr. Armor?"
"Captain is fine. And speaking of trust, I do believe it's a two way street."
"What'd you have in mind?"
"Would you mind showing your true form?"
"Why Captain Armor! I'm a married mare, and I'm afraid that's for my husband's eyes only!"
He simply gave her a deadpan stare.
"Fine. You guard types are never any fun."
The mare was engulfed in a bright green flame, which dissipated almost immediately, revealing the chitinous visage underneath.
The mare held a majestic pose and smug expression. "Gorgeous, I know. But do try to control yourself."
Shining rolled his eyes at the changeling. "So." He started. "Your cohort told me that your… kingdom want's to make a deal and gave me some information on a… plausible threat to Equestria. So the obvious question is: what exactly do you changelings want in return? Dartz already said you treat love as food, but this seems a little risky for a simple grocery run. So risky in fact, that you may as well have gone all the way and asked Celestia herself, something you actively avoided doing."
Silica rested her cheek on her hoof and gave him a lazy grin. "The reason we don't want Celestia knowing about us is largely between her and our leader. But what we want is our own, food abundant kingdom, far away from yours." She opened her elytra and pulled a map of the continent from it and pointed to the Frozen North.
The guard captain furrowed his brow. "A trip like that would require a large amount of food to sustain you. But nopony lives out there. Without a non-changeling population to take love from, you'll eventually starve."
Silica's grin remained. "True. That's a gamble that could get us what we want, but it's mostly a back up plan. For now, having a large amount of easily accessible love is fine."
Shining raised an eyebrow. "And if this so-called gamble happened to succeed?"
Her grin grew ever the wider. "Ever hear of the Crystal Empire?"
-The next day: Ponyville-
Kindle turned to Big Mac as he checked the underside of the wagon, parked just outside the Apple family barn. "Sooooooo… what's the damage?"
The red stallion sat beside her and wiped some dust off brow. "Well, all your wheels have cracks in 'em and the back axle's been horizontally split in half. Only thang holdin' it together is the axle holes. Ah do have some spare parts you can use though."
The dragoness huffed. "I don't suppose it'll be cheap, will it?"
"Eenope."
"Aight, how much we talkin'?"
"Bout fifty bits a wheel, forty for the axle."
"Goddamnit." If she didn't already know the kind of money that went into wagon maintenance and the fact that integrity was kind of the Apple family's thing, she'd swear he was trying to rip her off.
Away from the barn, Archer and Apple Bloom watched Dartz (unicorn form) stuff his face with apples. While non-emotion based food did nothing for him, they still tasted amazing.
Archer stared at him with a deadpan expression, before leaving to make himself and Kindle some "real food", carrying a slab of bacon he'd taken from the icebox they kept under the wagon's couch.
The Apple filly watched Dartz eat in mild interest. "Wow mister. You musta been starvin' somethin' fierce! I ain't never seen someone eat so many apples so fast, cept maybe Granny."
The disguised changeling finished his food and licked the apple juice off his lips? "Yeah, it's been a while since I've had apples. And these are the best I've ever tasted."
"And they're the best you're ever gonna taste!"
The odd duo's attention turned towards Applejack, who was perched upon Birch as he happily pulled a cart full of apples towards them.
"Hey Birch havin' fun?"
The mahogany mutt barked in contentment.
The orange apple pony tilted her hat to him. "Ah don't know how you feller's tamed a timberwolf of all things, but you've done a mighty good job of it."
"Mm."
Dartz didn't pay that much attention to her compliment. Not out of malice, but because something he didn't expect.
"What's with your eyes? If you don't mind me asking." The mare's eyes were still their iconic shade of green, but her pupils were slitted and cat-like.
Applejack didn't seem surprised by the question, but she was clearly tired of it. "Ah got 'em from my Pa'. Granny had a one off with a thestral or somethin'."
"Huh. That's pretty interesting honestly."
"Thanks." Applejack squinted at him. "Say, 'ave ah met you before?"
"I don't think so. Never been to Ponyville before now."
"Really? Coulda swore you seemed familiar."
"Huh." An awkward silence followed.
-Meanwhile-
Archer stood in front of the Apple family's stove as the delicious strips of meat sizzled over the fire, a bowl full of pancake batter clutched in his talons. As he did this, a simple song with alot of memories behind it took root in his mind.
"Bacon pancakes
He poured some batter onto the bacon and took the time to bask in its pleasant scent.
"That's a mighty strange song you're singin' there."
Archer looked behind himself to see Granny Smith trot up to the counter.
"I guess it is kinda weird. But that's kinda why it stuck with me for so long."
"Can't fault ya for that. The elderly mare nodded in understanding. "Mhm. Say, sonny, you mind makin' me some?"
"Seriously? I thought ponies frowned on that sort of thing."
"When you've been 'round as long as ah 'ave, you learn to 'preciate all walks of life." She then flashed her teeth at him. "Sides, it's been too long since ah had something ah can rip my teeth into."
Archer blinked before smiling back. "I like you lady."
-Ten Minutes later-
The younger members of the Apple family stared at the consumption of meat with slight apprehension, but otherwise said nothing.
The silence was finally broken by Granny Smith. "So, what brings you younguns to Ponyville anyhow?"
Archer swallowed his food before answering. "Supply run mostly. We might stay an extra day though. And Dartz wanted to explore the Everfree."
Applejack looked aghast at the statement? "Everfree!? Why the hay would you ever wanna go there?!"
Dartz nodded. "Rumor is that there's this old, run down castle in the middle of it. Seemed like it was worth checking out."
Apple Bloom tilted her head. "Are y'all treasure hunters or somethin'?"
"On and off. Depends how bored or desperate for money we are."
Kindle took a bite from her pancakes and slid a sack of bits over to Big Mac. "Enough bits for the parts, and extra for your service to repair our wagon. If you're willing anyway."
The large stallion seemed to think for a moment before nodding. "Eeyup."
Five minutes later, Arche wiped his chin and stood up from his seat "We hate to eat and run, but we have things to do. Thanks for your hospitality."
Granny Smith grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. "Oooh no! You aren't leaving here without helping do the dishes on my watch!"
-20 Minutes later-
The trio stood outside the Everfree Forest. Kindle and Archer organized their supplies while Dartz tied a bright orange bandana around Birch's neck.
Archer adjusted his saddlebags while Kindle sorted through her backpack. "So. Got everything we need?" He asked.
She nodded. "Water. Check. Food. Check. First aid kit. Check. Rope. Check. Grappling hook. Check. Weapons. Check. Matches. Check. Dynamite. Check."
Archer blanched. "Why on earth did you bring dynamite ?! Hell, where did you even get dynamite?!"
Dartz had different concerns. "Why did we bring matches? Kindle's a walking blowtorch!"
The gem eating reptile shrugged. "I always saw myself as more of a flamethrower." She turned to her avian companion. "To answer your question, that castle is old and crumbling. We might need it to clear a path. And, I got it in that old mining town we visited last month. You know the one with al-."
"The one with all the snakes, I remember." He could still feel the bites.
Dartz had run out of patience and began leading Birch into the forest. "Enough yammering, let's go!" He yelled behind him.
The griffin glared at Kindle. "We'll talk about this later."
"If it's about how high grade explosives solve problems then sure!"
-Forty Minutes later-
Kindle threw her arms up in frustration. "Ok! Where the hell are we?!"
The dark, creepy forest was eerily quiet, everything looked the same and no one had ever been brave enough to map the place out. In other words. They were lost as all hell.
Archer patted her on the back. "Don't worry about it. If I remember correctly, we just need to cross a river, then a rickety ass bridge and we'll be there, no sweat."
*CRACKA-BOOM!*
The trio looked up and gray clouds rapidly rolled across the sky, heavy rainfall accompanying them. Birch didn't mind the rain and began playfully running circles around them through the downpour.
Dartz (undisguised) smirked. "Never knew how much I really missed spontaneous weather 'til now."
Kindle glared at the sky as she positioned her wings above her head as a makeshift umbrella. "Yeah, yeah, good for you. Now let's find some shelter before this rain becomes a storm."
It took them about ten minutes to find shelter, all huddled up inside a hollowed out tree, just in time too, as the rain had intensified.
"So." Dartz started as he wrung out his cloak. "This could be goin' better."
"It's fine." Kindle sighed. "Whatever's left in that castle better worth it"
Dartz wrapped a foreleg around the dragon's shoulder."Tell ya what. When we get back, I'll help you with that ring toss you've been wanting to do."
"Thanks Darren."
After another half hour of waiting, Birch started snarling, his ear pointing straight in the air. The hapless former humans jumped into a fighting stance and pointed their weapons in the direction the mahogany hound was facing.
"Ah, shit. We gonna have a fight now?"
The leaves of the forest shook around them as a pack of six timberwolves emerged from the foliage, growling with the full intent to rip them apart.
"You guys remember how to deal with these things right?"
"Smash the magicore. Head or chest. We made one, of course we know how to unmake one, Archer."
Kindle pointed to the largest timberwolf at the front and center of the pack. "I want the big one."
Dartz flashed his teeth in a feral grin. "Your wish is my command!"
The dragoness found herself launched toward the hound by her compainion's magic while the pack leader found itself with a face full of dragon scales.
Kindle wasted no time, swung onto the back of its neck and wrapped her tail around the beast's muzzle before brutally pulling on its ears, forcing it to stand on its hind legs, causing it to fall onto its back.
The dragoness quickly lifted herself from the mud and plunged her fist right into the pack leader's chest, pulled out a glowing green orb of coagulated tree sap the size of a baseball and crushed it in her grip.
The remaining pack watched, frozen in shock as a deep green mist seeped from the remains of the head honcho's magicore before slithering into the forest like some sort of serpentine specter.
As this happened, the rain seemed to let up before stopping completely. Kindle looked skyward and grinned.
"You guys aren't gonna let me have all the fun, are ya?" Flames licked at the edge of her mouth with each syllable.
One of her opponents leaped at her with killing intent, but was immediately smashed to pieces, magicore included, via flying sledge hammer, courtesy of Dartz.
The changeling laughed, magically pulling the hammer back like a yoyo and smashing another timberwolf apart. "Course not! What'd you take us for?
The previous wolf quickly pulled itself back together, only to be stabbed in the head by Archer's glaive, shattering its magicore and causing its body to fall apart once again.
The three remaining timberwolves backed away slowly. But unfortunately for them, Birch lunged onto the closest one, ripped its magicore from its chest and crushed it in his teeth, and thus, three trails of green mist retreated to follow their leader.
Kindle turned to their remaining opponent and cracked her knuckles "Two left. Who wants dibs?"
Neither of the mahogany hounds would be having that. The enraged beasts disassembled themselves and swirled around in the air, drawing in sticks, leaves, branches and various other features of foliage into the whirlwind they'd formed. In mere seconds, the numerous debris had arranged themselves into a two headed timberwolf the size of a small house. It was… The Orthoak.
(Cue music)
Dartz was the first to find his voice. "Kill it! Kill it! Kit it with fire!"
Kindle didn't need to be told twice. She took a huge breath and spewed a jet of intense flames at the beast.
The Orthoak, however, opened its mouths and let loose a skull shaking roar that pushed back the flames and extinguished them before they could reach their target.
The flame lizard uncovered her ears (hearing holes?) and stared open mouthed at the wooden wolf golem. "Ooooooooooooh no."
Dartz turned to Archer. "Run?"
He nodded. "RUUUUUUUN!"
-30 seconds later-
At the edge of the Everfree river, a sea serpent lounged on a rock in a spot where the sunlight broke through the leaves of the forest. Steven Magnets was quite fond of the Everfree. Sure nopony ever visits aside from Cranky, but sometimes all you need is some cool water and some peace and quiet.
Said peace and quiet was interrupted when a griffin sailed over his head and slammed into a tree on the opposite side of the river.
"Well, now. You don't see that every day."
Steven made his way over to the downed griffin and flipped him onto his back. "Are you alright my boy?! Speak to me!"
The young griffin sputtered and coughed as he snapped back to consciousness. "Ack! Ugh! Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks Mr. uh? What's your name?"
He definitely knew who the sea serpent in front of him was, but couldn't remember his name for the life of him.
"Steven Magnets, my boy!" He punctuated his statement with a bow. "Now, what in the world happened to you?"
As if the universe itself decided to answer his question, the Orothoak came tearing through the treeline, Kindle in one of its mouths, being shaken side to side like a chew toy while Birch and Dartz were on its back, tearing away as much wood as they possibly could, which wasn't much.
"That. That's what happened."
"Well I say. You're in quite a spot of trouble."
"No more than usual. Say, you wouldn't happen to know the directions þo an old, run down castle around here, would you?"
"As a matter of fact, you're already quite close! Just keep traveling in the direction that horrid beast threw you in and you'll be there in a jiffy."
Archer spread his wings and prepped for flight. "Thanks. Now I'm gonna go save my idiots."
Steven watched him fly away and sighed. "I do love having visitors. I do hope they'll stay for tea."
-With Kindle and Dartz-
"Da-a-a-artz! H-u-u-uryuu-up! I'm gu-u-u-una hu-u-u-u-rl!"
Ethereal, green tendrils hurriedly dug and tunneled through the bark and leaves that comprised the creature's body, frantically searching for a weak point to no avail.
"I'm trying! But I can't get to its cores!"
The Orthoak soon realized that trying to penetrate Kindle's thick scales was a waste of effort and let go of her, sending her flying before shaking Dartz and Birch off its back like a pair of fleas.
As Kindle sailed through the sky, she was caught by something soft and feathery.
"I can't leave you two alone for a moment."
"Hey Archer. How was the fall?"
The griffin unceremoniously dropped her, but she quickly recovered and started flying alongside him.
"Nicer than the landing." He quipped. "Any luck setting the walking lumber yard alight?"
The two then watched a spinning ball of magic the size of a beach ball, courtesy of Dartz, directly impact the botanic behemoth in the face and the damn thing didn't even flinch.
"Even without that huge bark, there's no point trying. Wood's damp from the rain."
"Damn. Any other ideas?"
Dartz quickly flew up to them while Birch kept the Orthoak distracted.
"You guys come up with a way to beat this thing yet?" He asked. "I can't make a dent in this thing!"
Kindle took off her backpack and began rummaging through it. "Mhm. These babies right here." She'd pulled out three sticks of dynamite.
Archer raised an eyebrow. "Won't the damp wood just put out the fuses?"
"It will, but that won't be a factor. Hey Dartz, still remember that faulty enchantment spell?"
"Yeah, but everything I tried to use it on eventually ex…splo..ded." the changeling's eyes lit up in realization. "OhohohohoHOHO! THIS is gonna be a BLAST!"
Dartz grabbed the dynamite and began weaving his magic through them, the red explosives slowly turning green.
Archer nodded in approval and turned to Kindle. "Kay. While Dartz charges the dynamite, we'll get the dog ready to take his medicine."
"Right!"
The dragon and griffin both jetted down to the Orthoak and flew circles around its head while Birch was having a wild time trying to chew one of the beast's ears off.
Archer stopped for a brief landing and pulled a length of rope from his saddle bags. "Hey Kindle! Catch!"
She caught the end of the rope with little effort. "Now what?"
"Follow my lead!"
The two of them flew with the rope hanging between them like a loose powerline and managed to hook it underneath the upper jaw of the wooden amalgam, flapping their wings with all their effort to keep its mouth open as it thrashed back and forth.
"Take your time Dartz! Really- argh no rush here!"
Dartz flashed a huge, fanged grin. "Alright!" The pitch of Dartz' buzzing wing grew higher as he flew toward the fight. "Open wide fido!"
As the dynamite was thrown down the creature's gullet, full force, the group immediately scattered and got as far away from the damn thing as they could.
The following explosion was beautiful.
(End music)
-5 minutes later-
"I say, that was a jolly good show!"
Dartz (unicorn form) groaned in pain from his place on the river bank and gave Steven a mild glare. "Glad you were entertained."
Archer gave the changeling beside him a light shove and went back to picking twigs and leaves out of his plumage. "Let the old man have his fun. He hasn't had any visitors in a while."
Kindle idly sipped from a cup while scratching Birch by the ears. "Mm! What kind of tea is this?"
"Red spirit grass from the minotaur kingdom! It is to your liking, I take it."
She nodded. "Yup! I could go for seconds!"
Archer shook his head. "Sorry Kindle, but we're burning daylight. Castle, remember?"
"Oh, you're leaving? Well please, do come again! I could introduce you to my friend, Cranky!"
"We will! Probably. Come on guys."
Kindle waved as they walked deeper into the forest. "Bye Mr. Magnets!"
"Happy travels out there!"
An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
Chapter 7: Castle Crashers
The three former humans looked across the large ravine to the old castle. Despite its ruined appearance, it was still an impressive sight, if not a bit overgrown.
Dartz turned his gaze from the ruins, focusing towards the decaying rope bridge and lightly nudged one of the supports it was tied to before turning to Birch.
"You wanna try your luck?"
The wooden wolf looked at Dartz and then at the rickety ass bridge before walking away from the ravine and curling up underneath the nearest tree.
"Yeah, that's fair."
The group flew across the ravine (cuz no way in hell are they using that bridge when flight is an option) and landed in front of the castle's entrance.
Archer glanced at his companions. "Ready?"
Kindle pulled three sacks with the word "$WAG" printed on them. "What you think?" She asked with a raised eyebrow as she handed one to each of them.
"Alright then, let's go."
-twenty minutes later-
Kindle opened an old chest and was greeted by some old guard armor and a halberd, all surprisingly good condition.
She picked up the helmet and inspected it, turning it in her claws. "This looks like it could sell for a lot." Along with some of the old furniture and jewelry this haul would fetch a pretty penny. Her musing was cut short by a howling cackle from the next room.
She made her way over to the source of the sound to see Archer laughing at a portrait painting of a young unicorn stallion wearing a wizard outfit with a lot of bells hanging off his hat and cloak. His most notable feature was that his mane, tail, and goatee were in all the colors of the rainbow.
Dartz entered a few seconds later. "What're you laughing about?"
Archer turned to them with a huge grin. "That's Starswirl the Bearded!"
"As in pony Gandalf?"
"Yup!"
"Huh." The changeling and dragoness both took a second look at the painting before it clicked.
Dartz turned back to Archer. "Wait, are you saying that-"
"Yup!"
Kindle whistled. "It's honestly impressive that he was able to pass the gene for rainbow hair so far down his bloodline."
Archer was already working to unhook the painting from the wall. "I'm so hanging this above the couch."
-6 minutes later-
After leaving the painting by the entrance, they'd wandered deeper into the crumbling remnants of the old times.
The sound of their steps echoed throughout the halls until they came across a large wooden door.
Dartz raised an eyebrow. "Looks important." He pushed on the door to no avail. "You guys wanna help."
Kindle waved him off. "Nah, you got this."
The changeling frowned at her, then levitated his sledge hammer and launched it into the door like a battering ram, the impact ringing throughout the castle, yet it didn't even budge.
"Ha ha! "
"I'd like to see you do better!"
"Sure thing." The dragoness strutted up to the door, grabbed its handles and pulled, opening it with little effort.
"Oh, goddammit!"
Ignoring Dartz' outburst, the trio entered the room. Near the back of the chamber were two thrones in the midst of decay.
"Guess we found the throne room. See anything worth looting?"
Dartz looked around the room, not seeing much of note, but then, an absolutely horrid smell hit his nose causing him to loudly gag.
Kindle and Archer quickly turned to him with concern marking their faces. "You ok man? What's wrong?"
"Ugh! This room smells disgusting! Like, hatred, rage, sorrow, regret and desperation all at once!"
As soon as the words left his mouth, the trio paled. Given the context, there was only one reason the castle that had gone uninhabited for a millenia could be host to such rancid vibes.
"Let's get the fuck out of here."
Before they could nope the fuck out, a starry mist began leaking from the thrones, as if someone had taken a chunk of the night sky and dropped it where it didn't belong. That mist soon morphed into the shape of giant fuck off scorpian!
Archer was the first to react. "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!"
The group scrambled out of the throne room like rats from a cat. They expected to hear the starry arachnid stomping after them, but instead they heard a sort of… magical ringing.
Turning around, they saw the thing stopped at the doorway, pounding at a yellow sun themed forcefield with its big (meaty) claws.
Archer whistled. "Guess this is where Luna was banished."
Kindle tilted her head in confusion. "I thought she was banished to the moon."
The griffin shook his head. "What I mean is, this is where the banishing happened."
Dartz flinched as the shield was struck once again "So the moon is her cage and the throne room is the locked door?"
Archer nodded. "Exactly. But as you can see, she sent that thing through the bars to break her out."
Kindle glanced at the beast. "Should we do something about it?"
"Do you really wanna risk freeing the insane demigod from her prison ahead of schedule?"
The dragon sighed. "Ok, good point."
The trio watched the star beast continue to strike at the forcefield before pushing the door closed.
Archer turned to his friends, out of ideas. "So now what?"
Dartz gave his answer. "Wanna continue looting the place?"
Kindle glared at the changeling in disbelief. "With that thing here?!"
"We'll be fine as long as we don't go near the throne room."
"You don't know that!"
"Fine. How about we loot one more room and then we bounce? Deal?" Dartz extended his hoof for a shake.
Instead of reciprocating the shake, she crossed her arms in defiance. "Pinkie promise me."
"Are you serious?"
Archer rolled his eyes. "Just do as she says, Dartz."
The changeling rolled his eyes (though it was hard to tell given his lack of pupils or irises). "Fine. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a cupcake in my eye. Happy?"
"Very." Kindle grinned. "Now where to?"
Dartz glanced down the hallway and walked toward a random door and opened it. "Huh."
Archer came up behind him and took a peak for himself. The sight he was greeted to was that of an old library with dilapidated shelves and all sorts of roots and vines growing on and around them.
The shelves had been cleared of most of their contents, but some old, dusty books still remained.
Kindle walked up to one of the shelves and took a book from its place. "This place feels kinda cozy. Minus all the dust anyways."
She opened the book and proceeded to blow the dust off its pages, as well as the pages themselves as they practically disintegrated the second her breath made contact with the paper, leaving her holding only the book's covers and spine.
She nervously placed what was left of the book back on the shelf and swiftly walked away from it. "Good thing these are outdated, huh?"
"Yuh huh." Dartz wasn't paying much attention to what she said. His eyes scanned the selves, searching for something particular.
"What're you lookin' for exactly?"
"Spell books."
"There's a lot of books in here. How can you tell without checking them?"
"Any decent spell book has a preservation and self cleaning enchantment on 'em. Just gotta look for the ones that don't have any dust on 'em."
"Like those ones?"
Dartz looked up to where Archer was pointing. At the top of the shelf were seven black books in pristine condition.
"Uh.. yeah. Just like those."
Dartz flew up to the books and carried them down to ground level. "Well, I guess we're done here." He turned to Kindle with a grin. "You need help with a ring toss?"
"Hell yeah I do!"
-1 hour ½ later-
Kindle and Dartz (unicorn form) watched in smug glee as a pink ring bounced off of the all too wide bottle neck.
An equally pink hoof slammed another five bits onto the counter. "Just one more! I can get it this time, I can feel it!"
Kindle just shrugged noncommittally. "Sorry Pinkie. As much as I'd love to empty your wallet some more, you're holding up the line."
The Ponk turned and saw a moderately long line of impatiently waiting foals.
"Oops! Super duper sorry!"
The pink menace then bounced off the who knows where, allowing patronage to flow as normal.
Dartz walked out from behind the counter and headed round the street corner to the now repaired wagon. "I'm gonna take a nap!" he called back to Kindle.
Dartz shut the door behind him and saw Archer sleeping on the couch, the Starswirl painting hanging above it. "Typical."
The changeling hopped onto the couch beside him and began to used the griffin as a pillow.
Just as he was about to fall asleep, someone knocked at door. Dartz tried to ignore it, but the knocking continued, followed by Birch growling, causing whoever was knocking to yelp and knock even more.
Dartz begrudgingly got up and opened the door to find Birch glaring at a pale blue earth pony stallion with green eyes who was cowering on top of the wagon's roof.
Despite the disguise, Dartz could tell the pony he was looking at was actually a changeling, not one he was familiar with though.
"Birch, down boy." The timberwolf stopped growling, but still glared at the poor sob.
The unknown changeling jumped down from the roof and was led inside.
"So who are you anyways?"
The changeling dropped his disguise. "It's me, Thorax."
Dartz tilted his head. "Doesn't ring a bell."
Thorax scratched the back of his. "I-I'm the Queen's son."
"I thought that was Pincer."
"He's h-her brother."
"Relax! I'm messing with ya!" He lied as naturally as he breathed. "So why're you here?"
"Oh! Well, Silica told m-my mother what happened in Canterlot. She's impressed but not exactly… happy. So I was sent to keep an eye on you during the Summer Sun Celebration and to collect the information you got about.. the Empire. Also to be a witness for the so called return of the Lunar Scourge."
"Huh." Dartz opened the money chest and floated the map they'd stolen over to Thorax, who gave it a glance before folding and tucking it under his elytra. "Well here you go. But if you ask me, it seems kinda dumb for Chrysalis to send her son to a town that's gonna become a warzone in two days."
"O-oh. I actually insisted on going. I don't get to leave the Hive very often and what kind of Changeling Prince would I be if I couldn't do at least a little espionage?"
Dartz raised an eyebrow, clearly not buying that excuse.
"I also wanted to see the celebration for myself. Wait! Why am I even telling you this?"
Dartz shrugged. "How'd you get here in a day anyway?"
"I stopped at the town nearest to the hive and took a train."
-Meanwhile, the Hive-
Chrysalis sat on her throne, sharpening a large, black scythe with a serrated edge and ornate green markings along its head and handle, listening to a rather scrawny changeling wearing reading glasses rattle off the afternoon report.
"And finally, one of the walls in the eastern block has collapsed due to erosion from an underground river your majesty, although there's no danger of flooding, lings living in the area are still worried."
"Send a building team with some water treatment equipment and have them turn a section of the wall into a watering hole."
"Of course." The changeling left to do just that.
"Chrysalis."
She finally looked up from her weapon to see Pincer. "Do you need something, Pincer?"
"Thorax has arrived in Ponyville."
Just like that, her mood did a 180. "That's excellent! How is he? Does he have enough food? Wait, of course he does, he's surrounded by it!"
Pincer chuckled. "He's doing fine Chrissy. He's more capable than you think. Say, is that your old scythe?"
"Yes. It has been a while since I've taken it out hasn't it? It just felt right for the occasion. I'm pretty sure the Loyalty Enchantment still works."
Suddenly, she threw the damn thing and watched as it wedged itself into a wall! After a moment it shined in a multicolored pastel aura before teleporting and appearing right beside its wielder.
Pincer shook his head at his sister's antics and smiled. "It's like seeing an old friend isn't it?"
She nodded. "And soon, I may get to see another."
An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
Chapter 8: Welcome to the Show
Shining Armour stared out the window of his office and lightly fiddled with the amulet which had been changed to look like a heart shaped locket, rather than the beetle design it sported prior, changeling magic. He was soon drawn out of his musing when he heard a knock on the door.
"It's open."
"Hey Shiny!"
"Cadance! What brings you here?"
"Do I need a reason to see my special somepony?"
"Well, loving me is a reason."
The Alicorn of Love giggled. "Alright smart guy, I'll give you that one. But I'm here to see you because Auntie and I think you're overworking yourself "
"Sweetie, I'm fine."
She "Well, you seem to have assigned more guards than usual. Two times more in fact. And you've even volunteered yourself. So I gotta ask. Is something wrong?"
"Nope! I just felt it was best to exercise some additional caution this year, you know?"
"Is this about the break in?"
"Whaaaaaaaaat? No!" He couldn't even keep a straight face.
Cadance didn't look convinced in the slightest.
Shining slumped. "Fiiiine. I had one of the assailants right in front of me, and I let him get away. They even vanished without a trace in front of the guards I trained. They were teenagers, you know. If I can't detain a bunch of punk kids how can I be expected to protect this kingdom?"
"I don't know, Shiny. But you were chosen as Captain for a reason, and one failure isn't going to change that.
"Yeah. Yeah, you're right. But still. If somecreature was bold enough to try and rob the Royal Archives in broad daylight, I don't think the Summer Sun Celebration is off limits either."
Not even a lie on Shining Armor's part. Beyond Nightmare Moon, there were several creatures he didn't even know existed who were bold (read as stupid) enough to do such a thing (One was currently stoned, another having a fullbody brainfreeze, another busy writing her meifesto and the last one playing a harmonica in order not to be eaten by Cerberus).
"Alright, I see your point. I'll let Auntie know that the changes to the roster will stay they are."
The pink alicorn turned to leave, but turned back around.
"If you ever need to talk, I'm always here, you know."
-Night time, Two Sister's Castle-
The doors to the throne room slowly opened with a low creeeeeeaaaak. The barrier Celestia had crafted began to crack. The flawless spell construct tainted by the ugly blemish. Through that crack crept a dark blue, starry most that slowly floated through the ruined castle, making its way out of Everfree and into Ponyville.
The mist flew throughout the town, almost every resident fast asleep. Soon it found what it was looking for. It slivered through an open window and into the room of a sleeping foal.
The mist acted quickly, flying into the foal's ear, and more importantly, the Dream Realm.
The mist found itself in a starry void full of bubbles. Each bubble represented the dream of an individual creature.
The mist began to shift and morph, changing its visage to something more pony like. Soon, a black alicorn in silver armor stood amongst the sea of stars and dreams.
"The Dream Realm. Thou have been missed."
Nightmare Moon scanned the dream bubbles until she found one that was not quite like the others. It was deep, smokey purple and oozed a sense of fear and melancholy.
She clutched the nightmare in her hooves and brought it to her mouth. She closed her fangs around it before spitting it back out, the bubble now a pure white dream.
Moon smiled as her mane flared like a cold flame.
"Sleep well little pony. Thou and the rest of this kingdom are in for a big day tomorrow."
The black alicorn idly popped another nightmare into her mouth and began to watch the dreams of Equestria's sleeping inhabitants.
-6 hours later-
Luna stood atop a still ocean, looking up into a starry sky. A giant wolf made from the essence of the starlit void had curled itself around her, guarding her, making sure she didn't do anything stupid, not that she had the power to do so.
Then she felt her presence again.
"I have returned! Not that you didn't notice."
"Thy speech is strange."
The Nightmare giddily smiled. "It's how our soon-to-be subjects speak nowadays. It'd be hard to rule a kingdom that can't understand what we're saying wouldn't it?"
Luna said nothing.
Her captor sighed. "They've forgotten about us, you know."
The former diarch turned to her jailer and weakly glared at her, but ultimately cast her gaze to her own hooves.
Nightmare Moon continued.
"I searched all night. We are but a folktale parents use to scare their foals into behaving. As far as Equestria knows, Luna never even existed! "
The void shook as Nightmare seethed and her voice echoed throughout.
"Thou should remain calm. Rage will only cloud thy judgment."
"You're correct."
The dark alicorn began to focus and pour her magic into the ethereal sky. Soon, four of the many stars above them began to shine a bright, deep blue.
"Our return is imminent. Any false move could render all this work worthless."
"Doth thou really think that Equestria will accept thy rule? A hostile takeover will be met with nothing but resistance."
"It's going to be our rule. And our little ponies are going to have to live with it."
"But that isn't fair t-"
"Neither is this!" She wildly gestured to all around them. "Do you really want to stay here, never having got the respect you deserve?! Never taking back control or your moon?! Never having made Celestia pay for not being there when you needed her?! That. IS! NOT! FAIR!"
The Nightmare was now stomping her hooves like a filly throwing a tantrum, causing their shared prison to rumble.
"This is not what We wanted."
"Of course it is! That's why you made me! I-isn't it? To help you?"
-The Next Day, Ponyville-
Dartz (unicorn form) sat on a park bench and idly flipped through one of the spell books they'd taken from the castle.
"I have come to the conclusion that I can't read a single word of this."
Archer brought his talons to his cheeks in faux shock. "Are you telling me you don't know how to read a thousand year old dead language. I never would have guessed!"
Dartz ignored him and opened up a different book. It was in the same language as the last three he'd read, but…
"Hey! This one's got diagrams!"
Kindle, who was hanging from a tree by her tail, snickered. "Still learning magic from picture books after so long?"
The changeling scoffed but smiled. "Screw you both."
Thorax (earth pony form) briefly looked up from the ducks he was feeding before sighing and going back to what he was doing.
Dartz began flipping through the pages until he finally found a spell that seemed interesting.
The first diagram of the spell depicted a pony forming an arrow (the kind you'd see on a sign) with their magic. The second showed objects being propelled into the direction the arrow pointed.
The disguised changeling lit his horn and began to focus, weaving his magic into the shape the book instructed.
Archer stared at the forming construct and took a step back.
Dartz opened his eyes once the spell stabilized and admired his work.
Kindle got down from her perch and leaned over the bench. "So what's it do?"
Instead of answering, Dartz picked up a random pebble and dropped it on the arrow, launching it across the park and beaning a mint green unicorn mare in the head.
"Sorry!"
"I'm okay!"
Archer sighed. "Of all the things you needed, a mass driver wasn't one of them."
By the time he'd finished his statement, Dartz had fired himself sixty meters into the air with an upward pointing arrow while Kindle flew up to catch him.
Thorax turned to the griffin and tilted his head. "Are they always like this?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
"How do you handle it?"
The griffin scoffed. "I honestly don't know."
"Hey guys!" Kindle called from the air. "We're calling the spell Arrow Launcher!"
Archer didn't dignify the statement outside of sighing.
-Dusk, Canterlot-
Shining entered Celestia's office and bowed. "Good evening, your Highness. You called?"
The Solar Mare nodded in acknowledgement. "At ease, Captain. And, yes. I've been wanting to check on you."
"Well, I'm fine, Ma'am."
Celestia didn't budge. "It just that it's been brought to my attention that you have worries about how safe the SSC will be."
"Alright, that's true. But in light of recent events, I think my concerns are valid."
"I never meant to imply they weren't, but I'm sure any issue that occurs will sort itself out eventually."
The stallion leaned back in his seat. "I sure hope you're right."
Remembering Dartz' words, he asked a question of his own. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you gotten any letters from my sister recently?"
The monarch tilted her head in question. "I'm expecting one soon actually. Why?"
"It's been a bit since we last talked. What kind of brother would I be if I didn't check in every once in a while?" He asked, scratching his head sheepishly.
-Meanwhile-
A young, lavender coated unicorn mare closed the book she was reading and turned to her dragonic assistant.
"Spike, take a letter."
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An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
Interlude: How to Care for Your Candleberry Canine
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. An Idiot Trio vs Equestria
Chapter 3: A Trot through Canterlot
Author's Note
Two chapters on the same day baby! I actually finished this one before chapter 2, so tell me if there are any continuity errors i didn't catch. Sorry for the wait and enjoy!
Next time: Chapter 4: Just your Average Teenage Outlaws
Chapter 3: A Trot through Canterlot
Canterlot, the capital of Equestria, home of Princess Celestia and most of the kingdom's nobility and governmental facilities. The streets were clean, the roads were smooth, green cobble and ponies went about their day, blissfully unaware of the shenaniganry that was about to start.
All in all, it was the perfect place to cause trouble.
The trio plus Silica rolled up to the front gate of the city in their Timberwolf drawn wagon, tired and hungry from the trip. Passing ponies gave them a wide berth at the sight of Birch.
"Well, it's been fun, but this is where I get off." Silica, disguised as a beige pegasus mare with a brown mane and eyes and a glass heart for a cutie mark stepped out of the wagon. "The hubby's waiting and I'm starving, see ya round."
Before they could say their own good-byes, she'd already vanished into the busy city crowd.
After taking some time to find a parking spot for their wagon and evenmore time to find a pet sitter for Birch, the odd group found themselves sitting on a park bench, watching foals run about on the playground.
"So." Kindle started. "What are you guys gonna do? Cuz I'm gonna get some lunch, maybe set up a rigged ring toss."
Dartz (in his pony form, black coated unicorn with a red mane and eyes with a cutie mark of three flying darts) pulled out the beetle pendant that Chrysalis had given him. "Well, I gotta give this to Shining, so I have a break-in planned. How 'bout you Archer?"
"I hear that they do castle tours, so I'll just use that to see if I can get into the archives, find anything on the Crystal Empire. And aren't ring tosses rigged by default?"
Kindle simply "mhm'd '', mostly focused on watching a colt under the slide shovel hoof-fuls of sand into his mouth.
"Think we'll see jolly ol' Sunny D?"
Archer raised an eyebrow towards the disguised changeling. "Doubt it. She wouldn't have enough free time during the day, so she'd likely be restricted to moving between her throne room and her office, which are both on the castle's top floor."
Kindle pulled out the schematics that Silica had given them. "According to this, the archives are on the west side of the third floor, and the captain's office is on the north section of the ground floor."
Dartz smirked. "Makes things simpler for me. Good luck with your snoopin' my dude." With that he was off.
Archer took the schematics and spread his wings for take off. "Have fun, Kindle. And pleeeeeease, don't get into more trouble than you have to, we're already risking a lot."
The dragoness shrugged. "What happens happens."
After a sigh the griffin flew off after Dartz.
"Welp." Kindle clapped her claws together. "Let's find a jewelry store."
She promptly stood up and marched off in a random direction.
-Twenty Minutes Later-
Sure Fire let out a loud yawn and adjusted his armor. It was a slow day, but in his line of work, a slow day is a good day. But that didn't mean it wasn't boring.
"Mew!"
The guard quickly turned around, scanning the hallway to find…nothing?
"Mew."
Looking down at his hooves, he saw a kitten. Black fur, red eyes and a baby blue collar with a golden name tag that read "Bingo".
"Hey there little guy." Sure Fire began scratching Bingo's ears, earning him a purr of approval. "How'd you get in here?"
"Mew."
Sure Fire took hold of the name tag and flipped it.
"Ok "If lost, please return to Shining Armor." Didn't know cap was a cat pony. You follow 'im here little guy?"
"Mew."
"Alright. Let's get you back over to the captain." He used his mouth to pick the feline up by the scruff of his neck and place him on his back.
Unbeknownst to Sure Fire, Bingo wore an impish grin on his face.
-Meanwhile-
The bell on the door jingled as Kindle walked out of the jewelry store, holding a small bag of gems. The dragoness lazily chewed a mouthful of the shiny minerals as she walked through the streets of the city.
Turning the corner, she suddenly collided with a walking stack of about twenty books which tumbled to the ground with a 'thud' and an 'oof'.
Kindle quickly offered a claw to the fallen pack mule. "Gee, sorry kid. Didn't see ya there."
A smaller, purple, scaly claw grabbed on to her own, the owner of which was an awestruck "baby" dragon.
"Uh, uh. No problem! The name's Spike!"
Kindle already knew that, but grinned nonetheless, turning the grip Spike had on her claw into a handshake. "Cool name. Mine's Kindle."
"Cool. Mine's Spike."
"Hehehe! You already said that!"
Spike blushed and cast his gaze towards the ground "Oh."
The dragoness reached down and picked up one of the fallen books. "Need any help with these?"
"Oh! Sure! Thanks!"
The duo soon trudged along the streets, Spike carrying nine books while Kindle carried eleven.
"So what's with all the books? A kid your age seems like he'd be more interested in comic books than the third volume of "The Advanced Mechanics of Teleportation Matrices"."
She knew perfectly well "what was with all the books", but some small talk wouldn't hurt would it?
"Mhm. They're not for me. They're for Twilight. I'm her Number One Assistant!"
"Sounds busy."
The little dragon nodded. "Tell me about it. Not all bad though. I get all the gems I could ever eat. Besides, she studies so hard that she'd forget to eat or even sleep if I weren't around."
"So, you take care of eachother?"
Spike blinked. "Huh. Never thought about it that way. But I've been meaning to ask, what's it like? In the Dragon Lands I mean. With… all the other dragons. We don't get, well, any dragons around here, so you're the first one I've ever even met."
Kindle cringed. "Sorry kid. I couldn't tell you what that's like. I was raised by griffins. You're the second dragon I've ever met."
Poor little guy looked like a kicked puppy. "Oh." But then he perked up. "Who was the first?"
A smile formed on Kindle's face. "Oh that's a story. Magma, lemme tell ya! He was big! An absolute unit! Had kids, but they'd already moved out. Great sense of humor too. What'd the baby volcano spirit say to his dad? "I lava you!" Hah!"
"Heh! It's not that funny!" Regardless of the bad joke, Spike was grinning.
-Meanwhile-
It was large, a dimly lit room with walls of gray brick, filing cabinets lined wall to wall with the occasional display of silver guard armor in between. It was a room of complete, uniform monotony, broken only by the voice of its single occupant.
"No. Nope. Useless. Huh. Didn't know that counted as tax fraud."
Archer rummaged through the numerous filing cabinets of the royal archives. With no training in bureaucratic bullcrap, he couldn't make heads or tails of the organization system and was forced to search the documents one by one.
"There's gotta be something dammit!" He slammed the cabinet shut and opened another.
"Let's see if there's any luck here."
Opening the next cabinet yielded the same result.
"Faaaaaaack!" To emphasize his frustration, he punched the brick wall beside him. Unlike most bricks, one in particular was pushed deeper into the wall with a 'click', causing the brick beside it to jut out.
"Secret entrance. Classic." The feathered felon pushed against the protruding piece of masonry, only for it not to budge.
"Goddamnitt. What else am I missing?" The very irritated griffin scanned the room with his gaze, finding another brick on the exact opposite side of the room, sticking out of the wall.
"Takes two huh? You really don't want the wrong people to see this, do ya Sunny D?"
Archer took a helmet from one of the armor displays and tossed it into the air to test its weight, before nodding in satisfaction and lobbing the steel armament. Hard! He quickly shoved the brick with all his might while the helmet impacted the second brick at full force, pushing both back into place with a 'click', the sound of metal clanging on concrete echoed throughout the room.
That sound was soon replaced by that of stone scraping against stone, as the wall opened up like a slide door.
Inside this newly revealed room was a large number of shelves, stacked with scrolls and books from top to bottom. Archer entered the room and started taking scrolls from the shelves and skimming through them.
He soon pulled an old but well preserved piece of parchment from one of the higher shelves, it seemed to be "A trade agreement? With the Crystal Empire! Signed by… Luna Von Haos Platinum. Does that mean Celestia's full name is "Celestia Von Haos Platinum"? Whatever, this is great."
The griffin leafed through the files, finding peace treaties, meetings, laws and various other documents in relation to the Crystal Empire, including "A map! Perfect!"
Carefully folding the map, he stowed it and some miscellaneous files under his hat.
"Let's get outta here"
That was when the 'clip clop' of hooves began to echo throughout the archive. Only one word entered Archer's mind: "shit".
To be continued ------->
