Twilight and the Bleach emperor

by Hypnotwist

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Rarity, Random, Pinkie Pie, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Applejack, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Narcotics, Original Character
Length: 3906

An exhausted Twilight Sparkle is attempting an experiment at one in the morning, something unexpected occurs and she unintentionally gives sentience to a bottle of Bleach who claims he is the rightful emperor of Equestria. Twilight is not amused.

It's one in the morning on the day of her marefriend's visit, Twilight Sparkle should be in bed getting some sleep, but no, she is up conducting various experiments on various theories that she and her marefriend had come up with during their last conversation.

The purple pony princess misses her intended target and instead of her magical blast connecting with the object she had intended it for, her magic is absorbed by a bottle of the common household chemical Bleach. Twilight gets to deal with the now sentient chemical and his claims that he is the emperor of Equestria, she is not very amused.

This fic contains: Swearing (GASP), sexual references and/or talk, mention of narcotics, established SunLight, and a Bleach emperor

Published 2023-04-27 08:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-04-27 08:10:00 UTC

Twilight should've just gone to bed

Twilight Sparkle was currently freaking the fuck out at the aftermath of her failed experiment, the lavender nerd had missed the object she was attempting to transfigure and in her panic she forgot to cancel the spell. Her spell had seriously missed the intended target and the bolt of magenta energy hit a bottle of bleach she kept on the nearby counter.

"Oh shiii-" She squeaked and held her breath, mixing magical energy and chemicals was never a decent idea and the mare mentally prayed to Celestia that nothing horrible would happen.
When nothing happened after a few seconds Twilight released her breath and glanced at the unopened bottle of bleach, the inanimate household cleaning chemical was just that, an inanimate household chemical. "Phew, glad that di-"

"Hello? Hello? Anyone there? I can hear someone, I, the great emperor Lucius Ori require assistance."

Twilight's ears swiveled around since she assumed somepony was in her palace and wished to speak with her or Rainbow Dash was either drunk or was simply playing an elaborate prank on her again and had got others in on the prank. "I'm in the kitchen, excuse the mess!"

"I'm in the same area as you, fool. I require your assistance."

The purple mare looked around and it took her but a second to realize who or what was speaking, her jaw dropped in shock at the realization that the bleach was the source of the mysterious and rather attractive voice.

"Wh- I- Huh?"

"Yes, I am unfortunately unable to see what environment I am in but I would be glad for any assistance even though you are likely a lowly commoner."

She scoffed and flared her wings out despite the 'emperor' probably not being able to see her in the first place. "I'd be happy to help you if you were politer to me, and for the record I am a princess. Secondly the 'commoners' are ponies too and it is unkind to see them below you, they are the ones who keep the economy running smoothly and carry out unimaginably important jobs."

"Like what?"

"Like law enforcement and soldiers, medical professionals, construction workers, lawyers, firefighters, farmers, cashiers.. Need I go on?-"

"Ugh no. Fine, you are correct mare, commoners are important."

"They are very important. Now Mr. Bleach do you have a name or should I simply call you Bleach?"

"Bleach?!" The chemical somehow screeches, obviously offended by being called by what physical 'body' he was in. "I am emperor Lucius Ori, great Equestrian emperor and god-king of all the world!"

Twilight sighs, because of course she'd have to deal with such an interesting and unusual situation so late at night and of course he'd identify himself as an emperor when in reality he was a household chemical that possessed the ability to speak. "Alright your imperial majesty, what would you need help with?"

"First I need a vassal, I cannot begin to take my empire back without my first loyal supporter. Second, I need a proper body to possess, something that I am able to see with and move from place to place on my own."

"... Stay there." The mare turns around to leave the room, she really needed her friends and wasn't about to deal with a very rude, egotistical bottle of bleach on her own at a little after one in the morning.
She ignored his frustrated cries as she left the room and trotted towards the exit of the room, the unreasonably long crystalline halls always seemed to glow slightly, even in the pitch black darkness.

The cold night air on Twilight's face felt euphoric to her as she kept up her steady trot through the town, she soon remembered she had wings and was able to fly.
She quickened her pace and gave her wings a few flaps in an attempt to lift off the ground, despite having been an alicorn for nearly a year she still had a lot of trouble getting off the ground whenever she felt the need to soar the Equestrian skies. "Ugh.. Was I somehow slipped hallucinogenic drugs? I surely couldn't have given sentience to a bottle of bleach, right?"

She lifted off of the ground and hovered there for a few moments before she brought her hoof up to her temple, rubbing gently circles onto it as she tried to figure out how a bottle of bleach was able to speak and if all objects had souls and were aware of how they were being used, if so that would make certain adult items impossible to use ever again due to that fact. "Sweet merciful Celestia give me strength.."

The mare took a deep breath and enjoyed the cool air for another moment before flapping her wings and taking off in the direction of Sugarcube Corner in hopes of gathering her friends so she wouldn't be forced to deal with the jerkass self-proclaimed emperor of Equestria alone, once she approached the front entrance to the giant building made entirely of sweets she froze and hovered in place. "It's.. After one in the morning of course it'd be closed."

She grumbled and flew over to Pinkie's window, knocking on it repeatedly until she saw the light turn on, she kept tapping her hoof on the glass until she saw her pink friend approach the window and open it.

"Twilight? What're you doing up so early? Don't'cha remember that we have that suuuuper important friendship meeting tomorrow where your marefriend is coming back to Equestria?"

"Pinkie! I'm so glad you're up, and uhm.. I know, trust me, I was up really late trying to perfect the transfiguration spell because she wanted to know if it was possible to absolutely perfect it and I may have missed and now there's a very dickish talking bottle of bleach who says he's the emperor of Equestria on my kitchen counter?"

The party pony stared blankly at Twilight for a hot second before suddenly springing to life with a huge burst of energy. "Oh! Did you take an edible again? I thought after last time you'd learn not to have any weed gummies after ten at night, and a talking bottle of bleach? Silly you know that's not possible, maybe in Sunset's hooman world but not here!"

"No! Pinkie I'm not- I hadn't- Ugh. I didn't take another few weed gummies, not this month anyways, I'm serious about the talking bleach. He's insufferable, seemingly sexist, and very obviously classist. I need you and the girls with me otherwise I am going to lose my mind."

"Then take anot-"

"No. It's after one in the morning and my marefriend is visiting tomorrow- Er.. later today- and I would prefer to be sober."

"Fair enough, so what's the plan Twi Twi? How are we going to deal with Mr. Bleach?"

"I just need you girls with me, I don't know if I'll be able to take being alone in a room with him for very long. I was only in the room with him for maybe ten minutes and he was really grating on my last nerve."

Pinkie shrugs and shuts the window, racing out of her bedroom and down the stairs to presumably meet Twilight outside. The lavender princess of nerds landed and sat down on the ground outside the building and waited for her bright pink friend, she looked up at the beautiful night sky and located various constellations, taking the time to appreciate and admire princess Luna's night in the process.

"So who are we going to wake next?"

Twilight yelped and fell onto her back, she hadn't heard the front door open and it was as if Pinkie materialized out of thin air.
She put her hoof over her barrel and felt her heart pounding heavily in her chest, the terror of Pinkie suddenly appearing right beside her ebbed away quickly but her heart was still beating faster than normal. "Sweet Celestia Pinkie!-"

"Sorry, you were just staring off into space- literally- and I really didn't wanna interrupt you buuuuut we'd be here all night if I didn't."

"Right, so Rarity's boutique is closest, then Applejack, Rainbow, and then Fluttershy. If things go well and nothing goes wrong at all we all can be back in bed by maybe three or four, six at the very latest."

"Sooo how did Mr. Bleach start talking?"

"Well it's a long story actually, I was starting research on a spell to temporarily swap a pony's sex and I was doing precursory transfiguration on inanimate objects to record differences, because if I change an item back to it's original state and I see that it's damaged or hasn't been fully reverted then I'll need to revise my current-" She blinked and looked at Pinkie who didn't seem to be listening. "Nevermind, we should get the girls to my palace and deal with 'his majesty'."

"So normal Twilight stuff going wrong?"

Twilight sighed and nodded, it was slightly worrying her that 'Twilighting' was now an explanation for her nerdy behavior and when an experiment went wrong everypony chalked it up to 'Twilight stuff'. She really needed to have a chat with princess Celestia about what to do about that. "Pretty much."

"Okie dokie! So Rarity, AJ, Dashie, and then Fluttershy?" When the purple mare nodded Pinkie saluted and took off with a gallop.

"Pinkie- Pinkie!" She sighed and stood there in the cool early morning air, taking a second before she flapped her wings and struggled to get off the ground. "Come on, come onnnn- Ugh.."

The purple alicorn eventually took flight and quickly headed over to Rarity's boutique where Pinkie was already speaking to Rarity at the door, she landed quickly and trotted over to the duo. "Hello Rarity, sorry to bother you so early in the morning but-"

"I know darling, Pinkie explained that you need company right now. Are you still having nightmares about what happened to your marefriend at the hooves of our counterparts?"

"No, but I'm experiencing something that you'd assume I've gone insane if I tell you, so you'll have to see it for yourself."

"Twilight says there's a talking bottle of bleach who claims he's the emperor of Equestria."

Twilight grumbled and glanced at her pink friend, she was trying to keep things from getting overly complicated but Pinkie ruined her plans for the time being.

"... Twilight?-"

"Mh.. Yes Rarity?"

"Are you under the influence?"

"No. Like I said you'll need to see it to believe it."

"Alright darling, I believe you. We've been through and seen things that are even stranger."

"Yeah! Like Tirek! And Chrysalis, and the time the princesses went on vacation and told absolutely nobody!" Pinkie chimed in, somehow full of energy at one in the morning.

Twilight nodded in agreement, they had been through so much bullshit and they always came out on top, she and her friends could definitely handle a bottle of bleach that couldn't even move on his own. "Mhm, like Tirek and the rest. But I would like to deal with him so I can get some rest before my marefriend comes to Equestria, I can't hide anything from her and she always always knows when I'm sleep deprived."

"Cause she's really smart, like is a literal genius."

"I agree with Pinkie, from what you've told us about her she seems to be just as intelligent as you."

"Yes, she's genius, now can we please get the others so we can deal with this issue before sunrise?-" Her two friends make sounds of agreement and Pinkie starts trotting towards Applejack's farm, she let out a sigh and followed her without checking to see if Rarity was accompanying them.
The mare didn't bother to fly as it took a little too long and she knew flying while exhausted wasn't a bright idea, she made her way to the entrance gate of Sweet Apple Acres as quickly as she could.

Twilight wasn't surprised in the slightest to see Applejack talking to Pinkie outside however she was surprised to see her orange friend up and outside at one in the morning. The moment Twilight stepped onto the property the farm mare walked over. "Let's go. We don't need 'Shy or Rainbow, we got this sugarcube."

"What."

"Ya heard me. We're goin' and dealin' with that bottle of talking bleach and then you are gonna get some rest."

"You think I'm insane or under the influence of something." She deadpanned and her right eye twitched, she was now insanely annoyed that the element of honesty couldn't see she was telling the truth. Everypony not believing her was steadily pushing her past her limit and she was about to lose her shit.

"Yes ah do, but we've been through some wild stuff so I'm takin' everything seriously until ah've got a gosh darn great reason not to."

Twilight's nostrils flared in frustration and she reared onto her hind legs, stomping the loose, dusty ground under her forehooves and sending dust in every direction. She opened her mouth to yell, but her frustration only caused an incoherent word salad to escape.

Applejack, Pinkie, and Rarity all stared at the exasperated princess in mild shock since Twilight was never one to rear up onto her back legs unless she was nearing a nervous or mental breakdown.
Rarity was the first one to gain the courage to speak, she took a hesitant step towards her and looked her in the eyes. "Darling, it'll be okay. We believe you, okay?"

"Do you really? I mean- After all we've gone through you think that I'm making shit up?" The other three mares looked down at the ground as if it were the most interesting thing in the world, it hadn't registered to them that Twilight had swore until maybe ten seconds later.

"Twilight- Darlin' we got your back, we prob'ly should go and take care of what's botherin' ya."

She snorted and took several deep breaths, the tired and frustrated pony grumbled something about the chemical being on a counter in the kitchen and took off into the night sky, she had a killer headache and felt like she was about to cry due to a mix of everypony asking if she was high or insane and the pain of said headache.
She very quickly landed on the balcony of her hideous crystal and seemingly luminous palace, she trotted inside and made her way to the kitchen where the self proclaimed emperor was.

"Alright your majesty. I apologize for the sudden exit but I needed to gather some of my friends. They should be joining us shortly."

Lucius hmph'd and took an audible breath, it made Twilight wonder how the hell he was able to breathe if he was an inanimate cleaning agent. "Are you gathering support for my cause? Whomever is currently on the throne has usurped it from the rulers of old!"

"... You could say that."

"Wonderful! You, my princess, will keep your title once I am on the throne and have been recognized as the rightful emperor."

Twilight inhaled sharply and sat down on her chair in front of the kitchen's island, she rubbed gentle circles on her temple in a fruitless attempt to make her headache go away. "You don't remember my name, do you?"

"No." He admitted, sounding a little embarrassed. "I apologize, I must remember the names of my second in command, I assure you that I will improve."

"Fine." She breathed out, her headache was making things harder than necessary to deal with and the purple princess was nearing a nervous breakdown due to the utter bullshit she was forced to deal with so early in the morning. "I have.. Some friends of mine coming to meet you."

"Brilliant! You're gaining loyal ponies for my cause!"

"Sure, you could say that." Twilight hummed and her ears swiveled upon hearing hoofsteps approaching the room she and the faux emperor were in. "It seems they're here now, your imperial majesty."

"Twilight, we're finally h-"

"Goodness, do they not bow to you princess? Do they not address you by your title? They should be punished severely."

"Do not dare to insult my friends like that, I have asked them not to call me princess because they are my friends." The princess hissed, taking great offense that the 'emperor' would dare insinuate that her friends required any punishment when they hadn't done a thing wrong.

"Apologies, my princess."

"Fine.."

Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie stared at the chemical in shock, the realization that Twilight was correct hit them like a stack of bricks, taking away their ability of speech for a few moments. Applejack was the first to get herself together enough to speak. "What the absolute fuck?"

"See?! I wasn't lying and I'm not under the influence of anything!"

"Twilight, darling, how did- How- Who is he? How is he able to speak?"

She sighed and pinched the bridge of her muzzle with one of her wings. "I was experimenting with transfiguration and I missed my target, in my panic I forgot to contain my magic properly and a mana blast hit him and thus he lives. Girls, meet Lucius Ori."

"Howdy."

"Hi!"

"A pleasure to meet you sir."

Lucius cleared his throat as if to begin a grand speech, instead he addressed the mares in the room. "Ladies, it is my utmost pleasure to make your acquaintance, if you all serve me well you shall be rewarded generously."

Twilight rolled her eyes and looked to gauge their reactions, she was entirely unamused and hoped that they would be as well so they could deal with Lucius as quickly as equinely possible.
To her extreme displeasure Rarity looked like she wanted to fuck him, and Pinkie looked overjoyed to make a new friend.

"Ight, your majesty how are ya planning on rewarding us if ya can't even move?"

"Once I've gained a mortal body then I shall remove the false rulers from their throne. Then I will be sure that you ladies are loyal to my cause before rewarding you with estates and titles."

Applejack and Twilight both facehoofed, they weren't convinced in the slightest and they had no intentions of letting the chemical begin to enact his plans of world domination.

The purple mare sighed, walking over and picking Lucius up with her wings and taking the cap off of him. "If I were to theoretically pour you down the drain, would you know what would happen?"

"That would be treason! I would undoubtedly die and Equestria would not have her savior and emperor. Mares will not have a role model to follow on how to become the perfect wives and mothers, stallions will never have a mare to take care of them and make sure that they're well taken care of, Eque-"

Applejack grunted in frustration, she couldn't handle hearing any more of Lucius's stupid reasoning. "Will ya shut the hell up already? We ain't on your side Lucius, we sure as hell ain't gon' let you essentially turn all mares into housewives, that's insane!"

"I second what Applejack said, you seemed to be a decent gentlecolt at first but the more you talk, the more I realize that you are a nasty piece of work."

Twilight huffed and walked over to the sink, she didn't give a flying fuck that pouring chemicals down the drain might be an awful idea, she simply wanted to be rid of the false emperor Lucius.

"What are you doing? Where are you taking me?"

"Twi Twi that might be a bad idea because-"

"I know Pinkie, I just need to get rid of him."

"Wouldn't it be murder though darling? He does seem capable of pony intelligence a-"

"Rares, he ain't a pony, he's a menace to society and mares everywhere, and Celestia forbid he ever got a body of his own, then it'll be murder."

"I suppose you're correct Applejack, still, this still doesn't feel right."

Twilight inhaled sharply and closed her eyes, she had a killer headache and the fact she would be running on no sleep when her marefriend visits would only make things worse, trying to explain why she was up all night to Sunset was going to suck ass and she wasn't looking forward to it.

Lucius knew his summary execution was incoming swiftly, he decided in a last ditch effort to attempt to reason with his executioner. And by reason, he was going to screech at her about how she would suffer when he finally does take his rightful throne. "Twilight Sparkle you will pay for your crimes against me. You- You and your tr-traitorous associates will never see the light of day once I am on the throne! You- Agh no! No, don't AAAAAH-"

His protests fell upon deaf ears as the purple nerd poured him down the drain until there was no bleach left, the silence that filled the room upon the last drop was so palpable that Twilight turned around to get a look at her friends, her crazed expression caused Applejack to open her mouth to ask if she was okay.

"Twi-"

"I'm fine Applejack. I just need some cider and my marefriend." She spun around on her hooves and slammed the empty bottle down on the counter, taking several deep breaths to calm herself down before she went mad. "Does anypony know what time it is?"

"Three thirteen! D'ya think this calls for a 'Twilight saved the world again' party?!" Pinkie answered quickly and cheerfully, the pink mare always seemed to know what time it was and the current situation was no different.

"Ah don't think that Twi's gonna want to throw a party right now Pinks."

"Aww, I guess you're right. Maybe later!"

Rarity glanced at AJ and Pinkie, then to Twilight. "Darling, you should try to get some rest, I doubt your marefriend will be pleased if you're not taking care of yourself."

"You're right.. I'm sorry girls, I should've just poured him down the drain in the first place, it would've saved a lot of time. I'm going to head off to bed, good night."

"Good night!"

"Night."

"Good night darling, sleep well."

Twilight forced a fragile smile and waved, hastily leaving the kitchen to go to her room, she was almost to her bed when she heard a loud crash coming from the direction of the grand library, the sleep deprived mare galloped to where she thought the noise originated from and threw open the doors.

Her eye twitched upon seeing that her library was a mess, books were thrown all around with little care and they were all out of order. It was going to take a long time to put them all back in chronological order and it was what made the poor princess snap. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"

All of Ponyville was made violently aware that their resident princess was able to make use of the Royal Canterlot Voice when they were rudely awoken to her screaming profanities into the heavens.
She was so done with the day and it was only three in the morning.

Author's Note

Yeah, I have NO clue what happened with this one but I sort of like it.

Anyways Lucius is my oc, don't steal him or I'll cry (real)!!!!

All hail Emperor Lucius.