or, "Draconequus of Death"
"Twilight! Are you okay?!"
"Mnfmgh."
"That's not a word, Twilight!"
"Mnrrrgh."
"Those are zombification groans! Quick, cut off her head!"
"WHAT?!" Twilight shot up from the grass, awake as can be. As she returned to reality, a view came together of Princess Celestia and her very closest friends, all of whom were giving Rainbow Dash a healthy dose of stink eye.
"What?" Rainbow said, defensively. "It worked, didn't it?"
Celestia sighed and turned back to Twilight. "Twilight, I'm sorry. I didn't realize the task of bringing Discord back would cause such anxiety. I should have considered what he had done to all of you."
"O-Oh!" Uh..." Twilight rubbed her head, thinking of a way to play along and avoid having to try reviving the deceased draconequus. "It's okay. I just... can't even imagine the thought of having my mind altered the way he did to my friends."
"Lucky you," Applejack said a little too loudly.
"It seems we need a change of plans," said Celestia, gazing at the slightly off-model Discord statue standing among the group. "I cannot in all good conscience ask you all to simply bring him back like this."
Twilight let herself breathe a sigh of relief.
"Instead, I will stay here while you do it and ensure nothing goes wrong."
Twilight coughed her relief out completely. "Ngh! I, uh..." She failed to make eye contact.
"Will that be alright, Twilight?"
She looked desperately at her friends, hoping they had some way to get each other out of this, but it was apparent everyone else was just as lost on what to do. She looked right at Celestia, trying to control her breathing.
"S-Sure! No problem! We, uh... got this."
Celestia gave a soft smile, despite the opposite effect on the faces of the others. "Thank you, Twilight." She levitated the box of the Elements of Harmony into Twilight's presence. "I'm truly sorry if I'm being pushy about any of this. I simply can't feel comfortable with us bestowing punishments that are truly everlasting. Everypony deserves a chance at redemption, don't they?" She opened the box, revealing the six elements in pristine form.
Twilight whimpered internally as she looked at the Elements. "They s-sure do."
Twilight glanced at her friends and shrugged in a resigned manner, earning a mix of disappointment and reluctant acceptance from them. Each of the six donned their respective Element and surrounded the statue, trying to keep their eyes off the nameplate reading "Discord Smith".
"Um, quick question, Princess," said Twilight. "Just hypothetical, but what if the Elements don't change him back? What if he just... you know, stays a statue?"
Celestia cocked her head to the side. "I can't imagine why that would happen."
Twilight nodded slowly as she turned back to the statue. With the six exchanging a healthy dose of uneasy looks, each began to ascend into the air as their Elements radiated their characteristic colors. All of a sudden, a rainbow burst forth from the group and enveloped the statue in its chromatic glory.
After a moment, the light dissipated. The six floated to the ground as all went quiet again. The six started exchanging worried looks as they realized a whole lot of nothing had happened.
And then the statue exploded.
With a sudden BFOOM, every square inch of the statue became a projectile capable of penetrating ten sheets of glass. The ground shook as the ponies screamed and lost their respective balances, and everypony was overwhelmed by a cloud of stone dust. Don't breathe that.
After a moment, the dust cleared, and everyone present was left staring at the blast site.
Celestia got back up to her feet and stared a little longer. "That... was not the result I expected."
The others got back up as well, relieved none of them had been pierced by what was practically a bunch of grenade fragments. "Huh," said Twilight, trying to process what had just happened. "I... don't know what to say to that."
"Oh well!" said Rainbow, giving an exaggerated shrug. "Looks like we can't bring him back now. Too bad, so sad. Let's go get lunch."
"This is unprecedented," said Celestia as she walked up to examine the blast site a bit closer. "Never before have I seen the Elements do such a thing to a villain in such a helpless state."
Seeing a way to steer the conversation, Twilight spoke up. "Do you think maybe... the elements judged him to be unredeemable?"
Celestia looked deep in thought. "I couldn't have imagined they'd do such a thing... and yet here we are. I'm shocked, to say the least. Discord may have been evil, but I never thought he'd deserve something like this."
Applejack looked at the others, then to Celestia. "Well, sure is a shame, huh? I guess the Elements knew somethin' about him we didn't."
Celestia nodded solemnly. "You are right, Applejack. Ultimately, we have no choice but to accept what was decided for him, even if we do not understand it. But I can't help but be saddened by this outcome."
"We understand completely, Princess," said Rarity. "Death is such a ghastly topic, after all. Perhaps it's best we all go home and try to move past it." The other ponies nodded very enthusiastically at this suggestion.
"Yes, perhaps so," said Celestia. She stepped away to board her chariot, but turned back for a moment. "I'm sorry I pushed you all into this. I truly had no expectation of this happening."
"It's okay, Celestia," said Twilight, waving her on perhaps too frantically. "We'll manage! By all means, please go back to the castle."
Celestia nodded one last time and stepped onto her chariot. In a moment, she was off, headed back toward Canterlot.
Twilight waited for Celestia to get just far enough before she expelled every molecule of air possible from her lungs. "HAAAAAGH." She sat down and collapsed backward onto the grass as she finally let herself breathe. "Lord of ponies, that was so close."
"Yeah, no dip!" said Rainbow, looking around at the stone fragments littering the field. "We dodged, like, fifty bullets there! Both literally AND not-literally!"
"Figuratively," said Twilight as she gazed up at the clouds. "But, yeah. If that statue had stayed intact, we probably would've been found out."
"Why'd it even explode, anyway?" asked Pinkie. "I dunno about you guys, but I wasn't thinking about explosions. Not that hard, at least."
"Well, you know the saying," said Rarity. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
"By the way, nice job keeping up with the lying, Applejack," Twilight tiredly commended. "Have you been practicing?"
"Heh," Applejack rubbed the back of her neck. "Maybe a little."
"So..." Fluttershy spoke up. "Does this mean we're safe?"
"I think so," said Twilight. "For real this time. With that statue gone, there's no evidence of what we did. As long as we never speak of any of this again... we should be home free."
The rest of the ponies let out collective sighs as relief washed over them. With that, they decided to head back to their respective homes, marking this day as one they'd all choose to forget as soon as they possibly could.
The following day, Twilight arose from her bed, content in what she felt was a new chapter in her life. Down the stairs she gallivanted, stopping for a moment to open a window and let in the smell of the spring breeze and only a little bit of manure. Humming to herself, she trotted over to the kitchen and grabbed some eggs out of the fridge.
"Hmm. Gotta restock on butter." Twilight made a mental note as she started cooking up some breakfast.
Just as the eggs started to sizzle, Spike walked in with a slightly groggy demeanor.
"Morning, Twilight," Spike said as he seated himself at the table. "You're up earlier than usual."
"Morning, Spike," she said as she continued to focus on the eggs. "Yeah, just a nice morning, I guess. I just feel... confident today's gonna be a good day, you know?"
Spike nodded. "Yeah, me too. There's a new issue of Power Ponies out today! It's supposed to wrap up the 'Humdrum Files a Formal Complaint With The Equestrian Labor Relations Board' arc."
"Sounds... action-packed," Twilight said as she sat herself down and passed Spike his eggs. "You know, I think I've earned a little recreation too. Got any plans for today?"
Spike stopped himself just as he was about to take a bite. "Nope, but now that I think about it, you did get a package earlier. Opening that could be worth a whole, like, fifteen seconds of fun, at least!"
Twilight swallowed a bite of toast. "A package?"
"Yep, it got here just before you woke up! I'll go grab it real quick."
In a flash, Spike was out of the kitchen and then back in, rather impressively holding a package that was nearly as big as himself. He hopped onto the table and placed it right in front of Twilight.
"Huh," Twilight said, levitating the box and examining it on all sides. "I haven't ordered anything recently."
"Maybe it's a bomb!" Spike said with a weird amount of enthusiasm.
"Very funny." Twilight floated a box cutter over to herself and slit the top open. "Hmm," she hmmed to herself as she opened the box. "There's nothing on the outside. No address or anything. Maybe it's a gift from- AAAAAGH!"
Twilight immediately recoiled, falling backwards in her chair and thudding to the floor.
"AAAAAGH!"
Rarity immediately recoiled, falling backwards in her chair and thudding to the floor.
"See?!" said Twilight. "That's what I said!"
"Let me see that!" Rainbow grabbed the package from Rarity's spot at the table and observed its contents. "Wh- Holy cow! Someone mailed you a skull?!"
"Yes! But not just any skull," Twilight said, addressing the rest of the six at the table. "The skull... of Discord!"
Twilight's revelation was met with some light gasps and silent horror from the others seated. "Huh, you're right," Rainbow said, pulling the horned skull out of the box for everyone to see. "This would be kinda cool if it wasn't terrifying."
Rarity pulled herself back up to the table, dazed. "This- this cannot be. Surely someone's just playing a prank on us!"
"How do you reckon that?" Applejack said, giving the skull the side-eye. "I mean, even if it was, we're the only ones who know what really happened to Discord... right?" She stared at Twilight expectantly.
"Well, about that..." Twilight said, jittering a bit. "There was something else in the box too."
As the ponies looked at each other in concern, Twilight levitated a piece of paper onto the table. Everyone leaned forward to get a closer look at the paper's message, constructed entirely out of words cut out from magazines:
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID
IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR SECRET,
RECEIVE FUTHER INSTRUCTIONS
BEHIND DONUT JOE'S
6 PM TOMORROW
CONSIDER BRINGING A NOTEBOOK SINCE THEY MIGHT BE A LITTLE HARD TO MEMORIZE
The six stared at the message in terror for a good while before Twilight eventually spoke up.
"So, long story short," she said. "We're doomed."
"Oh no," said Fluttershy. "I thought we could forget about this..."
"Goodness, this is terrible!" said Rarity, putting her face in her hooves.
"How is this even possible?!" said Rainbow Dash, hovering out of her chair. "I thought we were in the clear!"
"Well, nothing a good party can't fix!" said Pinkie. "A good old 'Change Our Identities And Disappear Forever' party!"
"Let's not get too hasty!" Applejack said, raising a hoof. "Yeah, it figures this lie would catch up to us one day. But hey, we don't know for sure that we'll be, y'know, exposed or anything. We're just being blackmailed. So that's... slightly less bad?"
"Oh, right, just being blackmailed," said Rainbow. "Where'd they even get Discord's skull from, huh? I thought you sent the body away forever, Twilight! And- wait, why is it covered in teeth marks?"
"Yeah, well...!" Twilight rubbed the back of her beck. "T-technically I don't know where I sent it." She paused for a second, feeling ten bewildered eyes boring into her. "Look, I panicked, okay?"
"Well, that's just fantastic." Rainbow slouched back into her chair. "What the heck do they even want, anyway?"
"Guess we'll have to head to Donut Joe's tomorrow and find out," said Applejack. "Might as well pick up some fritters while we're there."
"You mean we have to meet up with some uncouth blackmailer in some dank alleyway behind some donut shop?" Rarity demanded.
"Hey!" said Pinkie. "Don't you disrespect Joe! But, uh, also, yeah, that sounds like what we have to do."
Twilight mulled over everyone's input for a moment. She stared down at her half-eaten plate of eggs, searching desperately for any possible out they could have. She raced through option after option, her breathing growing more and more rapid as discarded ideas poured out of her mind.
"M-Maybe we should just confess," said Fluttershy. "Surely Celestia will understand..."
Twilight continued staring a hole through her plate, all sound around her completely drowned out by the static-esque noise of the senses working overtime.
Gradually, the others happened to notice Twilight's intense stillness and took to staring at her in desperation. Eventually, Twilight dragged her gaze back up towards them.
"Twilight, dear..." Rarity said, leaning forward. "Please tell me you've thought of something."
Twilight continued looking on for a moment, then sighed and gave a slight nod. "We might have another option."
Twilight threw open the door to the Dusty Mug, and the group walked in and let their eyes adjust to the rather dim interior. An unrecognizable stench filled the air, and the group got a few suspicious gazes from the bar-goers populating the place.
"So you want us to drown our sorrows in alcohol?" Rainbow inquired. "Heck, I'm down for it."
"No, Rainbow," said Twilight. "Some guy I know spends a lot of time here. He might be able to help us."
"This doesn't exactly seem like the kinda place I'd trust with my ideally prison-less future," said Applejack.
"Agreed," said Rarity as the six trotted along between the tables. "All this light beer and whiskey. Is there a single fine wine in this establishment?"
One gruff, unshaven stallion perked up at the sound of this. "Oh, I happen to be drinking a 26 year Pinot Noir-"
"There he is," Twilight said, pointing at a booth off to the side while the wine-drinking pony sulked at being ignored. "The pony we're looking for... and his friends."
"You mean the ponies in ominous hoods?" said Pinkie, squinting. "Ominously sitting in the most ominous booth of this ominous bar?"
"And ordering the Ominous Oatmeal," said Twilight. "But that's not important. I know they seem shady, but the leader of these three is one of the few who can be trusted with our secret."
"How do you figure that?" asked Applejack.
"I, uh, went to high school with him."
The group approached the booth cautiously, Twilight leading the pack. "Excuse me, Your Darkness?"
The three ponies let their gazes drift upward towards Twilight. "Well, isn't this a surprise?" The middle one said. "Twilight Sparkle. It has been far too long."
"It has," said Twilight. "I see your... organization has gained a member."
"Indeed," His Darkness said, taking a sip of his brandy. "The Dark Order Of Ponies has ever-growing influence. Perhaps one day, we will reach a member count of four. Or even five."
Applejack peeked her head around Twilight. "Dark Order Of Ponies? The DOOP?"
"We would prefer you didn't use that acronym."
"I keep saying we need to change our name!" The pony on the left said.
"I told you, Narcissa," the leader replied, "I chose our name because it is straight and to-the-point. We are a dark order, and we are ponies."
"Bob isn't."
"He is the new guy. He does not count."
"Gee, thanks," the figure on the right said.
"W-Well, regardless, we need your help, Dragomir," said Twilight. "These are my friends. We're kind of in deep doo-doo here."
"I have much experience with doo-doo," Dragomir said, taking off his hood, showing himself to be a rather typical-looking grey adult unicorn, albeit one with a slight sunlight deficiency. He brushed his long, dark hair out of his face and motioned to the seats. "Please, sit."
The group took their seats (after grabbing a couple extra chairs to cram at the end of the table) and the two other figures removed their hoods. Narcissa showed herself to be a vibrantly-colored young adult earth pony, and Bob was a dark green dragon of apparent adolescent age.
"I don't mean to intrude," said Bob, "But, uhm, aren't you six supposed to be the, like, protectors of Equestria and stuff?"
"I guess that has kinda become our thing, huh?" said Pinkie.
"Y'know what, he's right," said Narcissa. "What are a buncha do-gooders like you doing meddling in dark magic?"
"Well..." said Twilight. "It's kind of a desperate situation."
"How desperate?" Dragomir inquired.
"Er, how should I put this..." Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. "I hear you can reanimate the dead."
The three figures let grins of pure mischief creep onto their faces. "You hear correctly," said Dragomir.
"Heck yeah," said Narcissa, noticeably perked up at the subject. "We've revived all sorts of dead things!"
"Ants," Bob gave as an example. "cockroaches, uh... dandelions..."
Dragomir nodded. "On one occassion, we even managed to bring back... a mouse."
Twilight nodded. "Uh-huh. Yep. I hear you. That's cool. I may have a bit more of a complicated assignment for you, though, if you're up to the challenge."
"The Dark Order of Ponies never backs down in the face of adversity." Dragomir brushed the hair out of his face again. "Unless it is really hard. But by all means, tell us what you would like us to revive."
"An ancient immortal all-powerful chaos god."
Dragomir didn't move for a moment aside from letting his grin fade away completely. After a moment of processing this information, he spoke. "Uhm, please allow me to confer with my associates."
"Oh, uh, sure. Go ahead."
As the three huddled together and murmured away, Twilight couldn't help but notice the feeling of five ponies staring at her in complete bewilderment.
"What..." Fluttershy was unable to squeak any words out.
"Uh, Twilight?" Applejack said. "Don't tell me you... you wanna bring Discord back from the dead?!"
"Look, hear me out!" Twilight put her hooves on the table, trying to shake off the sheer indignance being piled onto her. "As it stands, someone knows our secret, and we have no idea if they actually intend to keep it or not! The way I see it, this is much safer than simply giving into their demands, whatever they may be."
"How is this safer?!" Rainbow demanded. "He's Discord! What if he just goes right back to chaos-ifying the place?"
Twilight shrugged. "Well, he did, y'know, die. Maybe he'll behave if he knows we can just kill him again if he acts up."
The others didn't respond, lost in thought.
"Look, I know it's crazy, but think about it. If Discord isn't dead, the blackmailer will have nothing. They won't be able to tell Celestia we killed Discord when he's clearly alive and well. I know we're bringing back a dangerous villain, but, I mean, there are still the Elements of Harmony."
"Uh, yeah, cool plan," said Rainbow, "But even if that worked, how are we supposed to explain to Celestia that Discord isn't shattered into a million pieces?!"
"Simple," Twilight replied. "We just play dumb. Let her think it was one of Discord's tricks or something."
Rainbow sighed and sank back into her seat. "I guess that kind of makes sense."
"What, so we're just gonna threaten him with death if he doesn't do what we say?" Applejack planted her face in her hooves. "Tarnation, is this really who we are now?"
Before anyone could add anything else, however, the DOOP broke up their huddle. "We have reached our conclusion," Dragomir announced.
"And that would be...?" Twilight asked.
"I am afraid we must decline your request. While I am sure we are... fully capable of performing such a task, trifling with the life of an immortal chaos deity is simply something I cannot justify."
"I'll still pay you even if you fail."
"Follow me."
"BEHOLD!" Dragomir's voice thundered throughout the room as he threw the door open. "Welcome... to our sanctum."
Rainbow Dash looked around the place. "This is a living room."
"Well, to be more specific, the sanctum is downstairs."
Just then, a head poked out from the kitchen. "Oh, Dragomir, you're back! I see you've brought a lot more friends this time."
"Indeed, Mother," Dragomir replied. "They seek assistance from the Dark Order."
"Yeah, we're resurrecting an ancient chaos god this time!" Narcissa added.
"Not to mention they're actually paying us..." said Bob.
"Aw, isn't that nice?" Dragomir's mother replied. "Just make sure to use the right demonic chants! If you'd like, I can bring down some pizza rolls in a bit."
"That... would be appreciated. Thank you, Mother." Dragomir stepped forward and opened the door to the basement. "Now, Element Bearers! Come, and we shall lead you down a path of darkness. Unless Mother finally replaced the lightbulbs."
The group descended the stairwell, and Bob fumbled around in the dark until he located the light switch. A series of lights designed to look like medieval torches came on, illuminating a large, red circle drawn on the floor, surrounded by six similarly-red candles. The walls were decorated with a mixture of chains, mysterious writings, and band posters.
"Really into Death Metal, huh?" Pinkie said, looking around.
"Not particularly, actually," Dragomir responded. "It simply helps with the vibe. At least, certainly better than new wave or pop punk." He eyed Narcissa and Bob with apparent annoyance.
"Alright, well, staying on topic," said Twilight, "What do we need to do?"
"Provide me with the tether."
"The what?"
"The skull."
"Oh." Twilight reached into her saddlebag and handed the barely-fitting skull over.
Dragomir took the skull over to the circle and placed it in the center. "Now, everyone surround the circle in a... circle."
The group did as obliged, and the circle was surrounded with the group of nine. Rainbow nudged Twilight slightly. "This has gotta be a waste of time," she whispered.
"I know it seems farfetched, but we don't have many options."
"Silence, everyone," Dragomir commanded. "This ceremony requires the utmost concentration, focus, and close attention."
"Aren't those all the same thing?" asked Twilight.
"I said silence."
"Now, here's a copy of the chant you'll all need to repeat." Bob handed out a sheet of paper to each of the six.
Rarity stared hers over for a moment. "This just says 'Demonic Chant' on it."
"Yeah, the powers down below aren't as picky as you'd think," said Narcissa. "Anything works, really, as long as they get the gist."
"I see."
"Now, does anyone present have any emotional connection to this 'Discord'?" Dragomir asked.
"Uh, what counts as emotional?" Applejack inquired.
"Simply any emotion you deeply feel toward him."
"Does 'really not liking him' count?"
"Yes."
"Yup, that's all of us covered then."
"You don't like him?" said Narcissa. "Why're you trying to bring him back, then?"
"Let us not intrude, Narcissa," Dragomir interjected. "On occasion, the path cut out by the blade of fate is not the most desired. And the wielder of the blade of fate is often the least desired."
"What are you even talking about?!"
"Let us not get sidetracked. Element Bearers, please focus on your hate, or... dislike for Discord."
The six looked at each other blankly for a moment, then closed their eyes and focused.
"Yes, that's right. Feel the dislike. Inject the dislike with a proverbial syringe. Allow the dislike to course through your veins, enabling your red blood cells to deliver molecules of dislike all over your body."
As they did so, Dragomir walked around the circle and lit each candle, one by one. When all six were lit, he made his way to the center of the circle and kneeled.
"And now... BEGIN!"
After just a moment's hesitation, the six broke out into rhythmic bellowing of their assigned words.
"DEMONIC CHANT! DEMONIC CHANT! DEMONIC CHANT!"
The three ponies of the DOOP then joined in, repeating the same chant in time. They began stomping their hooves in sync, sending vibrations throughout the basem- sanctum.
"DEMONIC CHANT! DEMONIC CHANT! DEMONIC CHANT!"
Reluctantly, the six joined in on the stomping, tripling the force of the vibrations.
"DEMONIC CHANT! DEMONIC CHANT! DEMONIC CH- Oh come on, this is stupid!" Rainbow opened her eyes and ceased her stomping. "What is this bootleg bargain-bin necromancy? What's next, is your necronomicon sketched with freaking crayons?!"
Dragomir huffed. "For your information, we use high-quality pencils. Mechanical ones. And we do not have a 'necronomicon'. This is not a film, Miss Dash. Now, please, just try to trust the process."
"He's right, Rainbow," said Twilight. "I get your reservations, but let's just try. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. We'll try something else."
Rainbow sighed. "Fine."
The chanting resumed again. It grew louder and louder, save for one particular voice that didn't gain much volume. The stomping returned, sending greater and greater vibrations through the place until the house was being shaken at its very foundation. Each of the element bearers focused heavier, heavier, and ever heavier on their dislike of Discord.
Dragomir slowly rose from his kneeling position, raising his hooves into the air. "Forces of the underworld, I call on you!"
The circle glowed, reddening the scene and everyone within.
"A soul not meant for your realm has been erroneously cast down!"
The ponies didn't notice through their closed eyes the various scattered objects and debris that were now rising into the air.
"As resolution, I invoke the pact of 'Whoopsie-Daisy'!"
A column of light emerged from the center of the circle, enveloping Dragomir.
"I CALL UPON YOU, DISCORD, MASTER OF CHAOS! RETURN TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING!"
All went still. The lights turned off. The air ran cold as everyone tensed up. Twilight opened her eyes just slightly, only to be shocked by the sight of an opening in the circle's center, displaying a view to a realm unlike their own.
Without warning, a figure rose from the portal, the winds fluttering its hooded cloak as it hovered above the ground. The figure extended a limb at the dumbfounded ponies, pointing directly at them, and bellowed...
"We don't have him, you jagoffs!"
The figure sank back into the portal and it closed. The lights came back on, the candles extinguished, and the various objects and debris fell back to the floor unceremoniously.
Everyone stared into the center of the circle for a solid ten seconds.
Twilight was the first to speak up as her face twisted into an unholy combination of confusion and indignance. "Wha- Are you- You don't- What even- HUH?!"
"What the heck was that?!" Rainbow demanded, flying up into the air. "What just happened?!"
Dragomir put his hoof to his mouth in awe. "I believe we just interacted with none other than... Death himself. Curse my lack of quick thinking! I should have asked for his autograph!"
"Goodness," Bob said, walking into the middle of the circle and touching the area Death had emerged from. "We just may be the first living ponies to hold a conversation with Death."
"Holy cow!" Narcissa exclaimed, pumping her hoof in the air. "We're awesome!"
"I don't think that counted as a conversation," said Pinkie.
"Never mind that!" Twilight shouted. "Did you hear what he said?!"
"Yeah!" Applejack concurred. "He said... they don't have Discord. What, uh, does that mean?"
Dragomir cleared his throat. "Well, typically, that indicates he isn't actually deceased."
"HUH?!" Rainbow burst out. "That's impossible!"
"Yes, we saw his corpse ourselves!" said Rarity.
"And stabbed it!" said Applejack.
"And burned it!" added Pinkie.
"And tried to feed it to a bear..." said Fluttershy.
"And took a bite- I mean, er, we... we have his skull!" Twilight protested.
Dragomir stared at Twilight. "You... you took- No, never mind. Regardless, you do make a good point. If Discord's body is destroyed, yet his soul isn't in the underworld... where is it?" He thought hard for a moment, staring into the ground. Then, he snapped back up. "Of course! My followers, please bring me the Tome of Misery!"
Narcissa handed over a plastic binder filled with sheets of ruled paper. "Here you go."
Dragomir grabbed the binder and flipped through it. "Aha! Just as I thought!"
"Is it?" Applejack asked.
"Yes! How did I not see it before?" Dragomir shut the binder. "Allow me to explain. Discord is an immortal being, correct?"
"Well, was," said Rainbow.
"No, is." Dragomir began pacing around the circle. "You see, the soul of an immortal being is inherently tied to this world. Thus, it cannot cross over into any kind of afterlife. As a result, if the body said soul inhabits is somehow disabled or destroyed, the soul simply lies dormant, in a sort of... halfway point between being dead and merely asleep."
"So..." Twilight scratched her head. "What does that mean for us?"
"We merely need a new vessel to imprint Discord's soul into!" Dragomir explained. "Being an immortal, he has no need for worldly concepts like breathing, eating, or... ahem, reproduction. As long as it bears even the slightest resemblance to the body of a living creature, it should work."
"How in Equestria do you know all this hoo-ha?!" Applejack asked.
"Well, I am reciting from the film 'Alicorn: Resurrection'. Granted, this is a draconequus, but the principle should be the same."
The six stared at him.
"Do not look at me like that. The film consulted real necromancers in its production, meaning at least... some of it is accurate to reality. Probably."
Twilight sighed. "Okay, fine. Can you do... whatever it is that's needed for this?"
"Indeed we can," Dragomir affirmed. "And I believe we have just the vessel." He rushed upstairs, and just as fast, rushed back down. He walked back into the circle and placed a cylindrical object in the center, next to the skull.
Pinkie eyed it closely. "A... can of beans?"
Dragomir nodded. "Precisely. Just like the body of an organism, it consists of fragile, mushy insides protected by a more durable exterior."
The ponies looked at each other, unsure.
"I did say it only had to be a slight resemblance, didn't I?"
"W-Wait," Twilight shook her head. "I think we're forgetting something. How in the world would we explain to the blackmailer and, potentially, Celestia, that Discord's a can of beans?! We need him to look like Discord!"
"Do you have a to-scale replica of Discord's body laying around anywhere?" Dragomir inquired.
Twilight sighed. "No, I guess not."
"Then this is the best that can be done, I'm afraid."
Rainbow gave Twilight a pat on the back. "Hey, I'm sure we can come up with some kinda cover story."
Twilight nodded and turned back to Dragomir. "Is he still gonna be able to use his, you know, chaos magic and stuff?"
"Excellent question. I haven't the faintest idea."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Alright, fine. Let's just try this again."
Dragomir nodded and approached the can of beans. "Very well. This process is much simpler. I will recite a modified version of the chant from the film, and the rest of you, just... say various vague statements calling out to Discord."
"That's all?" Rarity asked.
"Bringing a soul from a whole other realm is one thing," Dragomir said. "It's another to already be in the same realm. Much simpler, really."
The group nodded, and Dragomir began his chanting. "Draconequus Ex Mortis... Draconequus Ex Mortis..."
"Huh?" Twilight asked. "Are you saying 'Draconequus of Death'?"
"Yes," Dragomir replied. "It technically makes sense. He is a draconequus, and he is dead. More or less. Thus, he is 'of death'. In a way."
Twilight was about to say something, but shrugged and let Dragomir continue. As he kept on chanting, the six started letting out their own improvised callings.
"Discord!" Twilight shouted. "We call upon you! We call upon you to deliver us from... uh..."
"From the consequences of our actions!" Rainbow added.
"Come on out!" Pinkie said. "And promise to be nice this time!"
"Yeah, 'cause if you do, we won't have to kill ya again!" Applejack affirmed.
"Come to us, Discord Smith!" Rarity commanded.
"Please just let this be over..." Fluttershy squeaked out.
Dragomir chanted three more times and, on the third, ignited his horn and touched it to the can of beans. The glow grew brighter as the room rumbled, but it subsided as quickly as it had started. Dragomir stood back up straight, letting out a sharp exhale.
The six stared at the can of beans, still sitting inert. "Please tell me that worked," Twilight said.
As if on cue, the can shook. The six stepped back, startled, but then slowly stepped forward again to get a closer look. The can shook again. And again. And again. The shaking grew more rapid until it suddenly came to a standstill. Just then, Twilight took notice of the pony on the can's label. His face was changing. It shifted gradually, ever so gradually, forming itself into a visage that looked more and more familiar by the second.
"Sweet Celestia," said Twilight. "There's no way..."
Before she could finish, the eyes on the can opened, causing her to stumble back a couple feet. "Oh gosh!"
Discord's face looked around the room, scanning every bit he could get his eyes on, until his gaze fell directly onto the six. He stared until what felt like the heat death of the universe, when he finally spoke. "What... just what is this?!"
The ponies stared, mouths agape. "Are... are you serious?!" Rainbow exclaimed. "That worked?!"
Dragomir shrugged. "Evidently."
The newly bean-ified Discord (or, Discord-ified beans) continued looking around in bewilderment until his gaze fell upon himself. "Why... Why am I beans?"
Sensing an opportunity to take control of the situation, Twilight cleared her throat. "Ahem. Discord! We, the Elements Bearers, have stopped you! In this new form, you can do no more harm to Equestria!"
Discord sat there. "I'm sorry, what?"
"That's right!" Rainbow spoke up. "Looks like the Elements decided you can reform, so they just turned you into a can of beans! Lucky you!"
"Yes, isn't this such a relief?" Rarity asked. "You have an opportunity to really turn your life around, here! How generous of them."
Discord stared back. "This is some sort of practical joke, isn't it? You can't honestly be serious."
"No, it's true!" Pinkie piped up. "A whole year definitely hasn't passed!"
"And if ya want to get back into a proper body, we're willin' to help you as long as you'll stop doing, y'know, your chaos thingy-whatevers," Applejack added.
"What?! Ridiculous!" Discord attempted to get up and pace, but due to lack of legs, could only shift himself a mere centimeter. "No, no, no, no, no. Just... wait one moment. None of this is right. The elements wouldn't... would they?" He looked down in doubt, but then turned his attention to the room, eyeing the members of the DOOP, the various posters on the wall, and the circle he now sat in the middle of.
Seeing that Discord might put the pieces together, Twilight spoke up. "Uh, don't worry about all this, it's, uh..."
"A Reformation Circle!" Pinkie blurted out. "If, uh... you don't reform, we'll use this circle to make you turn good!"
"Yes, I'm sure it is," Discord said, surveying the last of his surroundings. He sat pondering for a moment, trying to add everything up into his head, until he finally came to a conclusion. "This all looks like... Wait. But... there's no feasible way... how is that even-?!"
He turned his attention to the six. "Did... did you kill me?!"
Twilight stepped back, unable to answer, her eyes unwavering.
Discord furrowed his brow. "You did, didn't you?! Honestly!"
Twilight yelped and fell to the ground, putting her hooves over her head. "I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry! We didn't know it was gonna happen!"
"Yeah!" Rainbow chimed in, flying over to her defense. "I swear, we just thought they were gonna turn you back into stone! We didn't think they'd just do, like, a..."
"...Summary execution," Rarity added.
"But hey," said Applejack, "We went through all this trouble to bring you back! That's gotta be worth somethin'!"
"Yeah, even if it's, well, like this," said Pinkie.
Discord's face floated in place on the can's label for a moment, then he sighed. "Brilliant. What an existence. Reduced to the most unnecessary part of a chili. Very well, frenemies. You've bested me. Congratulations."
"So..." Twilight said, stepping forward. "Does that mean you can't even use your magic like this?"
"If I could, your head would be that of a platypus right now."
"Huh," said Rainbow. "It kinda worked out."
"Well, we're not out of the woods just yet," said Applejack. "We've still got the blackmailer to worry about."
Discord raised an eyebrow. "A blackmailer? I suppose I should have assumed you didn't bring me back out of the goodness of your hearts."
"Er, sorry about that," said Twilight. "Look, that's in the past. Listen, Discord. I admit we were kinda, for lack of a better term, BS-ing you about the whole reformation circle thing, but we do think you have the chance to reform for the better."
He rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you do."
"No, for real!" Rainbow stepped up. "Look, we've all been through a lot. We've had to spend all this time keeping your death covered up, and you've had to spend all this time... being dead. So, y'know, we've all made sacrifices."
"What Rainbow's trying to say," said Twilight, "is that we think, at this point, we all just want things to go back to normal. We want to live our lives, and you want to live yours. And I'm sure you want your powers back, right?"
Discord sighed. "Yes, I suppose so."
"Then just play along with our little plan here, promise to be good from now on, and we'll see about getting you a new body. Somehow."
"Yeah, and we won't have to crack you into a bowl of rice!" Rainbow threw in.
Discord looked between the ponies, weighing his options. "It's not that simple, you know. What reason do I have to simply stop doing what I do best? I'm the master of chaos! I can't just give up the whole purpose of my existence for friendship. I may as well just die!"
Twilight cocked her head. "I guess I can understand that. But we might be able to change your mind. And at this point, we're willing to try anything. At least give us a chance to show you that you can have a fulfilling existence without... you know, destroying our town."
Dragomir, who had resigned himself to simply sitting back and watching with the rest of the DOOP, spoke up. "I do not fully understand what is happening here, but I concur with Twilight. As a follower of the dark arts myself, I and my followers have acquired a bit of a taste for chaos. Perhaps if you reigned yourself in somewhat, we could help show you how to use it for more... legal methods. Mostly."
"Huh?" Bob exclaimed. "I didn't agree to that!"
"Oh, come on," said Narcissa, nudging him. "What's the worst that could happen?"
Discord pondered for a moment, leaving the ponies tensed up. But after a moment, he sighed and rolled his eyes. "Very well, you can try. Emphasis on try. But temper your expectations. And I want the new body first. And my powers."
Twilight looked to her friends, who simply shrugged. "Alright," she said, turning back to Discord. "We'll do our best, but no guarantees. Just don't make us have to use the elements again."
"Fine. Now, what do you need me to do?"
Before Twilight could answer, Dragomir's mother descended the stair case. "Who wants pizza rolls?"
"Almost there," Twilight said, leading her friends through the streets of Canterlot. "Donut Joe's should be right at the end of this block."
"And with just a few minutes to spare!" Pinkie said, checking the time.
Rainbow trotted up alongside Twilight. "Remember what to say, Bean-cord?"
Discord's muffled voice emanated from Twilight's saddlebag. "Oh, did you spend all night coming up with that? Yes, yes, I remember. It's a little hard not to when I'm quite literally helping cover up my own murder."
"Well, what do you know?" Applejack added. "It's almost like we might be okay. Never woulda guessed."
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," said Rarity. "Let's see how this... encounter goes."
"I wonder what it is they want," Fluttershy pondered.
"Guess we're about to find out," said Twilight as they stepped into the alley behind the shop. The area was pretty barren, populated only by a dimly-lit scattering of trash and a dumpster. The perfect place for any brand of shady dealings.
"Guess we got here first," Twilight said, looking around. "Everyone ready?"
Everyone nodded, including Discord, though no one saw it because he was in Twilight's bag. Regardless, the group stood there, tense but confident, awaiting whatever this encounter had in store for them. And after just a minute more, a tall, hooded figure emerged from the other end of the alley.
"I see you've made it," the figure said, checking their watch. "It took you long enough."
"What? We got here before you," said Twilight.
"It's of no consequence," the figure said, waving a hoof. "Let us get down to brass tacks, shall we?"
"Yeah, I'll say!" Rainbow flew out in front. "What the heck do you want from us, huh?!"
"Well, your cooperation. It's what we're here for. I will say, I'm surprised you all turned up. You just couldn't risk your beloved princess discovering your secret, could you?"
"Yeah, about that," said Twilight, "I'm afraid we don't know what you're talking about."
"Playing dumb, are we?"
Twilight shrugged. "Sorry, but your note was just too vague. Whatever it is you think we did, it's not true. And we don't appreciate being blackmailed over false accusations."
The figure let out a laugh. "So you've chosen the route of denying it, have you? Come, now. We all know you six killed Discord, and all I need to do to prove it to Celestia is present the rest of his gnawed-up skeleton to her."
Applejack held up a hoof. "Sorry, partner, but that ain't gonna work. You ain't convincing the princess of anything."
"After all, that couldn't possibly be Discord's skeleton," Rarity added.
"They're right," said Twilight. "Even if you told Celestia, she wouldn't believe you. And that's because there's one big thing wrong with your story."
Twilight started to open her saddlebag, but before she could finish, the figure spoke up. "Oh, is that so?" They began walking toward the group. "You're all so confident in yourselves. So insistent that Celestia won't find out. So sure of your own infallibility."
The six backed up a couple paces. "Hey!" said Twilight. "Stay back!"
"Sorry, my little ponies, but there's no use in trying to keep this from your princess any longer. You have already failed."
"W-What?" Twilight stammered out. "What do you mean?"
The figure stopped. "She already knows." Without warning, the figure thrust their cloak off, the six staring in horror as it crumpled onto the ground. They were all unable to speak as a smug, piercing gaze overtook the figure's face. The face of Princess Celestia.
Twilight's mouth fell wider, wider, and ever wider until she began hyperventilating. "Wh... Wha... You... Huh...?"
Rainbow stared. "Oh, shoot."
"P... Princess... Celestia?!" Fluttershy just about fainted on the spot, Rarity following suit.
"Hello, my little ponies," Celestia said, giving an oddly warm smile. "Surprised?"
No one could find the words to respond.
"How was my little performance? I took a few acting classes to get it just right."
Still, no one responded.
"Well? Come on, I'm willing to take criticism."
The six looked at each other for a moment, and then Twilight's hoof shot up. "Uh, yeah, I have a question!"
Celestia nodded. "What is your question, Twilight?"
"WHAT THE HELL?!"
"Ah. Yes. Fair question. Allow me a moment to explain."
The ponies sat themselves on the ground.
"I do have to apologize for giving you all such a scare," said Celestia, "But I did have to teach you all an important lesson."
"So, you... You're the one who sent me that note?!" Twilight asked.
"Yes, I'm afraid so."
"Then... you knew...?"
"Well..." Celestia shrugged. "Not at first. Granted, I was fooled back when you first 'defeated' Discord, thanks mainly to my decision to place my trust in the six of you."
The ponies looked down to the ground in guilt.
"So, your plan did work. For around a year, anyway. Up until my recent visit to the Dragon Lands taught me about a brand-new annual tradition of theirs."
Twilight furrowed her brow. "The Dragon Lands?"
Celestia gave a small chuckle. "Quite a unique holiday they'd thought up. All meant to celebrate the day an impoverished family of dragons was suddenly blessed by a well-done Draconequus meal out of nowhere."
The ponies' gazes shot toward Twilight. "Oh," she said, rubbing the back of her neck. "So that's where it went."
Celestia nodded. "Fortunately, they were willing to trade his skull for a few favors. And with this revelation, the oddly deformed look of the Discord statue sitting in my garden made a lot more sense."
"Oh!" Rainbow exclaimed. "So that's why you had us try and bring him back!"
"Indeed. Just a test." Celestia looked off to the side. "Though, I will admit, I did not expect how that would end up going."
"Yeah, why did that happen, anyway?" Applejack pondered.
Celestia shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps they simply treated the statue for what it was. A tool of deception."
The ponies sat silently considering the idea.
"Regardless," Celestia said, "It didn't exactly accomplish much. So, welcome to plan B."
"I may be misreading," said Rarity, stepping forward. "But, Princess, you don't seem particularly... upset by all of this."
"Oh, I was," Celestia said. "I had figured from the start that Discord's death wasn't entirely your fault, but knowing you had all went to such lengths to deceive me was very disappointing."
She watched Twilight's face falter.
"That said," she added, "I've had time to come to terms with it. And while I don't approve of what you did, I understand you were completely blindsided. You've never had to deal with a situation like this before. And now you all know exactly why honesty is such an important virtue."
"Because you'll blackmail us if we lie?" Applejack inquired.
"No, because keeping up a lie is taxing, and often brings unwanted trouble that can be easily avoided through honesty. I am your princess, after all. Being understanding is part of the job. If you had simply told me about what happened, I would not have blamed you."
After a moment of thinking, the ponies looked at each other, then back to Celestia. They started blurting out a mishmash of apologies, none of them particularly audible over the others.
Celestia held up a hoof. "It's alright. Of course, I'm going to have to think of a way you can make it up to me. But that can wait. For now, can I trust you all to be honest with me in the future?"
The ponies nodded vigorously to the point of giving themselves headaches.
"Good. Now, I want to ask, could I have Discord's skull back? I'd like to give him something resembling a dignified burial."
Twilight froze up. "Oh, uh..." She rubbed the back of her neck. "About that..."
Celestia lost her smile. "What? What is it?"
Not knowing how to possibly explain, Twilight instead pulled the can from her saddlebag and handed it to Celestia.
Celestia took the can and gazed at it. "...Beans? Wait, isn't that-"
"Boo!" Discord's can label face exclaimed.
"GAH!" Celestia chucked the can across the alley, but Twilight managed to catch it out of the air.
Twilight levitated the can to her own face. "Really, Discord?"
"Oh, come on," he said. "It was practically obligatory."
Celestia regained her composure and cleared her throat. "Well. It seems you all have some explaining to do."
Twilight gave a nervous chuckle. "H-Heh. Yeah, I guess so."
"And there... we... are!" Rarity declared, trimming off the last bit of thread.
"Alright, Discord," Twilight said, grabbing a mirror. "Are you ready to see your new body?"
"No."
"Oh, come on!" Pinkie exclaimed. "At least give it a chance. Rarity worked hard on this!"
Discord sighed. "I suppose I don't have much choice, do I?"
Twilight held up the mirror and Discord gazed at his new stuffed self. "Oh, just splendid," he said, putting his face in his hands. "I suppose next you'll give me out as a prize at ring toss."
"Well, what did you expect?" Rarity said as she put her scissors down. "We can't just create flesh and blood. Surely you can do with cloth and cotton instead?"
Discord rolled his plastic eyes. "I suppose so." As a quick test, he tried snapping his talons, resulting in little actual sound and just a few sparks emanating from the tips of his claws. "Seems I'll need to relearn my magic in this new vessel. What fun."
"Well, you'll have plenty of time to learn!" Rainbow said. "Now let's get you down to Fluttershy's. I think the DOOP are already there by now."
"Or you could just kill me again..." Discord mumbled as he was led out the door.
"I know this is a big change, Discord," Twilight said, walking alongside him. "But you do have a second chance here. I think you can make it count if you really want to."
"And what reason, exactly, is there for me to want to?" Discord demanded. "What could you six possibly offer me that I didn't have before all this?"
Twilight shrugged. "Ever had a friend?"
Discord faked a gag. "I should have expected that answer."
"Hey," Pinkie threw in, "Don't knock it til' you try it!"
Discord waved his hand dismissively. "Yes, yes, whatever. I'll try it."
Eventually, the group reached Fluttershy's house. "Here we are," Twilight said. "Good luck. And I mean that in an entirely positive and encouraging way."
"I'm sure you do," Discord said, turning back to the group. "I assume that's why you're not staying to help?"
"Actually," said Twilight, "That's because we still have to write 'I will not trifle with dark magic' about 467 more times each. But, uh, we'll come check on you when we're done."
Discord shrugged. "Fair enough."
With that, the ponies walked off into the distance. Discord watched them go, an unreadable expression on his face, until they were no longer visible. He then expelled the air from his cotton lungs and looked down at the ground. "How did my life reach this point?"he thought. Staring a little longer, he shook his head. "Doesn't matter, I suppose."
And with that, he turned around and knocked on the door as best he could with his plush hands.
