What I Want for Hearthswarming This Year

by Retrokin

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Narcotics, Drama, Anon
Length: 3909

Anon plans to smoke good pony weed this Hearthswarming for fun, but when Princess Celestia busts him for buying some, he'll have to find a way to be alone, just like every other year.

Anon smokes pony cush every Hearthswarming.
Unfortunately for him, Celestia caught him buying some cush for the holiday. And she is eager to join him for Hearthswarming.
But Anon can't let her do that!
He wants to smoke. He needs to smoke.
But how can he uninvite a literal goddess?

Published 2023-05-02 06:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-05-02 06:00:01 UTC

Is for the Pain to go Away

In another world, Anon escaped his problems through drugs; ensuring that he would never make a friend.

“… For you friend, I have… Uh…”

Anon and Hidden Treats, his currently blabbering pony cush dealer, were engaged in a trade of illicit pony cush in some random room in Canterlot Castle. Treats normally preferred keeping things short, sweet and to the point. But for some reason, Treats just wasn’t giving Anon her supply.

Treats’s black trench coat flapped around. “But for you Anon… I have, uh, uh, Princess’s delight! You’ll love it. After all, you do like to buy my stuff. Right? Right?”

As Celestia’s butler, Anon needed to hurry up with his purchase. He had ditched Celestia during her tea break.

Anon studied a clock on the wall. The minute hand completed its loop.

The deal had been going on for fifteen minutes. Tea time would end in five.

Treats continued blabbering.

Wait. Was Treats trying to prevent Anon from buying her supply?

“Treatsy,” Anon smiled, trying to calm the mare, “The cush you sell is great.”

Anon had to somehow convince Treats to sell him her treats, and fast.

“Thanks…”

“If it wasn’t for you, being alone this Hearthswarming would be unbearable.”

Hidden Treats took great pride in her work. Hopefully now she would relax.

Treats swallowed a glob of saliva. She opened and closed her mouth several times, as if she was going to speak, but decided to stay quiet.

Dammit Treats. Just sell me your stuff!

“I haven’t told you about Ma and Pa,” Anon exhaled, trying not to let his temper get to him, before continuing. “They should hate me. But even when they were crying from what I put them through, they still loved and helped me.”

“Oh…”

Maybe Anon needed another angle.

“In terms of looks, I’m a lot like my Pa. Tall, full head of hair-”

“There’s more of you?!” Treats mouth gaped open, her face looking ill.

Ponies were very intolerant of others. Which gave Anon something that he could use to his advantage.

“Treats. Treats. Treats,” Anon shook his head, as if he had heard a silly joke. He then pounded his fist into his hand. “Give me some of your good stuff, or more of us humans will come to Equestria and take it.”

Intimidation was powerful on the ponies of Equestria. This was bound to work.

Treats looked at the door, ready to bolt. Anon knew Treats for her scaredy-cat tendencies, so she was likely to run away.

But she stayed.

Anon grinded his teeth, trying not to lash out in anger.

That’s not you Anon. Not anymore.

Treats took a deep exhale, speaking as if repeating a mantra, “Princess Celestia believes that all creatures get second chances…”

Anon tried to calm himself down with a joke. “Even humans?”

“Unfortun-” Treats eyes opened wide, catching herself. “Yes! Even humans! Especially humans!”

“Celestia loves her little ponies like you,” Anon mocked.

“Why?” Treats squeaked, seeming to believe that she had somehow offended Anon.

But she was wrong. Pony racism was funny!

“Let me put it this way. Celestia could come up with 20 different reasons why she likes you. In the blink of an eye!”

Treats chuckled, but her heart wasn’t into it. “Princess Celestia takes her time with things, so probably not…”

Translation: she takes her time for everything, even pooping.

Anon looked at the clock once more.

Celestia’s tea time had finished.

Anon’s mouth twitched with anger.

Anon really needed to get his drugs.

Treats seemed to notice. “Please don’t eat me!”

Anon exhaled, trying once again to calm himself. “Relax, you’re too serious.”

“Sorry…”

Anon only had one more attempt before he would get caught for staying.

“Treats, I used to take life seriously. Doing all sorts of things just to survive.”

Treats nodded, too nervous to speak.

“I’ve done some pretty nasty things to people.”

But that’s in the past.

Anon continued, “But I came to regret it. Big time.”

Treats swallowed.

“No matter what Treatsy, I won’t hate you.”

Treats face filled with shame. “Really?”

“At least I’ll try not to.”

It’s who Anon wanted to be.

Treats looked on the verge of crying, but held strong. She looked at the clock, as if confirming something.

Then, she spoke. “So what did you want?”

Finally!

Anon smiled. “Give me the good stuff.”

“Princess’s Delight?”

“You know it.”

Hidden Treats pulled a plastic baggy out of one of her many black trench coat's pockets. She then offered it to Anon.

Treats sighed. “The cat’s out of the bag.”

The door flew open. Celestia walked into the room, as if she were a goddess descending unto mortals.

Treats! What had she done!

“It's okay Hidden Treats. I won’t harm him.” Celestia gave a smile, reassuring Treats.

Anon looked at Treats, his fists curling tight.

Treats noticed, her face morphing in terror.

Anon sighed, relaxing his body

Not again. Never again.

Although, Anon still wanted his supply.

“Look over there! A mongoose!” Anon pointed to a far corner of the room.

Hidden Treats and Celestia looked.

Anon snatched the treats from Hidden Treats.

Hidden Treats bolted out of the room, her fear finally getting the best of her.

“Let us walk.” Celestia stated with a regal tone. The tone demanded one to follow her instructions, lest they face her disappointment.

For Anon, disappointment didn’t just mean losing his job. It also meant no longer being able to smoke cush ever again.

It could've been worse, much worse. He could’ve called Celestia a horse.

Anon chuckled at his own joke, trying to calm his nerves. She had probably heard that one more times than she could count, considering she had lived for.

Dammit! How could Anon have been so stupid as to not realize that Hidden Treats was selling him out. She was bound to get caught eventually when she dealt in the palace.

There was nothing that Anon could do about Hidden Treats betrayal, so he had to think of how he could avoid punishment.

The best plan of action was to appeal to Celestia in some way. In order to do that, Anon had to figure out what a person like Celestia would let people get away with.

Celestia gave creatures second chances…

But if Anon didn’t feel sorry about what he did, which he didn’t, would Celestia give him a chance?

Probably not, but what choice did he have?

Although, did Anon actually have to be sorry?

No, Celestia just needed to think he was sorry.

The plan was simple.

The mess halls bustled, the sound of pots and pans echoing throughout the wide area. The smell of cheesy pasta floated throughout the room, inviting others to join in the companionship of a good meal.

Anon and Celestia continued their walk.

“Before we continue,” Anon stopped, prompting Celestia’s attention, “I am sorry. Truly sorry that I chose to leave during tea time.”

This had to work, if not…

AnonneededTreat’s treats.

Anon tried to make himself cry, but couldn’t, so he continued on. “I cannot begin to understand how hard you work your highness. From the bottom of my heart, I am sorry.”

Celestia opened her mouth to speak-

But Anon continued. “Truly, truly, I am sorry. It won’t happen again.”

He wouldn’t get caught again that is.

“If you’re apologetic,” Celestia smiled, although it seemed a smidge too wide, “Then would it be acceptable if I joined you this Hearthswarming? After all, I need to ensure your well-being without your illicit narcotics.”

There was no way he could let that happen! Anon needed his cush.

“My house is too simple your highness.”

And his house was sure to smell of pony cush!

Celestia frowned for a brief moment. As soon as Anon had noticed, her face transformed back into a mask of regality and perfection, appearing as if she had no equal in terms of beauty.

“It will be fine.”

“I couldn’t impose your highness!”

Anon had to sell her on the idea!

Celestia was about to speak, but Anon interrupted, “Your highness, you deserve fine things in life. Wonderment that cannot be bought or sold. For you-”

“I am quite alright-”

“Neigh! It’s impossible for me to house you. You’ve given me too much!” Anon took a dramatic pose, impassioned by his foolery, “I promise that I will not fail you! I refuse to allow you the displeasure of visiting.”

Anon took several breaths, trying to regain his composure.

“I am your employer, and your princess.”

Anon already didn’t like where this was going.

“As such,” Celestia continued, “I must ensure that you are properly cared for.”

“But…”

Celestia raised her hoof, covering his mouth and silencing him. “I shall not let you speak ill of yourself. Your humble abode will be more than sufficient for me.”

Dammit! There has to be something I can do!

“Now Celestia,” Anon grabbed Celestia’s hoof and patted it, reassuring her that everything was okay, “Back on Earth, I lived alone.”

Perhaps if Anon just spoke he would think of something.

“I am well aware.”

“I had no one else. I used to hate my life.”

Celestia frowned, not at all pleased to hear that.

Anon had to say something before Celestia questioned him on what he just said.

“My Ma taught me a bunch about women.” Anon rushed out.

The same Ma Anon had backstabbed.

Focus Anon.

“What sort of knowledge did she impart?”

“Well… Women will say things about others that they mean about themselves.”

And someone like Celestia would be an expert at hiding it.

“Is there anything else?” Celestia asked, an air of mischievousness in her tone.

“Most women act like saints. But when you get to know them, they’re someone else.”

If Celestia did that, then living for countless centuries would have allowed her to have perfected hiding it.

“Is there more?” Celestia seemed to ponder Anon’s words.

“You can’t always trust what women do.”

And a princess like Celestia could get away with it if they wanted to.

Celestia chuckled.

“I should probably stop talking.”

Anon was bound to get himself into trouble.

Celestia smiled. “Tell me one more.”

It’s a good thing Anon wanted to say one more. “When a woman wants something, they get it.”

So if a woman could get anything from a man, then how was a simple butler supposed to reject a deity from getting what they wanted?

The answer was simple: he couldn’t.

Celestia smiled at him. “We should get back to the topic at hoof.”

It was hopeless. There was nothing he could do to stop her.

Dammit! Anon needed his cush!

“Do you really want to visit my house? I don’t have anything you would like…”

“I am quite certain that you have plenty to offer.” Celestia smiled, but the smile…

“You shouldn’t lower yourself to visit my shitty house. It’s a god awful place anyway.”

Great. Now Anon’s nerves were getting to him.

“Fine. I won’t intrude.”

It was almost as if Celestia had sensed Anon’s reluctance.

Anon cleared his throat. “Maybe next time.”

This was perfect!

“If you say so.”

Wait.

“Are you okay?”

“Splendid.”

Something seemed off.

Celestia’s citizens might believe her whenever she declared something, but Anon didn’t worship her like the others. He wasn’t so inclined as to believe her just on word alone.

Anon might have been able to reject Celestia, but if Celestia was upset and other ponies found out, then no dealer would ever be willing to sell Anon any of their supply.

Celestia’s little ponies loved her too much.

Anon sighed, worried overCelestia. She didn’t deserve to suffer.

Anon wanted to cheer her up, but he needed to ensure that he could get more cush in the future.

Maybe Anon could keep his reputation and cheer up Celestia?

But how?

To do that, first Anon would need to know exactly why Celestia was so upset.

But Celestia wasn’t one to show the deeper parts of herself. At least not willingly.

If Anon wanted to figure out why Celestia was upset, then Anon would have to pry it out of her.

“Friends are way overrated.”

It seemed like just the words to quell Celestia.

Celestia looked at Anon, staying silent, as if assessing how she should respond.

“Just think about it. Friends get a little too… friendly.” Anon rubbed his hands together, as if he were some dastardly villain.

If he didn’t smoke soon, then he would get cravings, and those were always intense.

Hopefully jokes would keep Anon’s mind off of smoking.

Celestia caught on and chuckled. “That is quite the joke.”

Celestia looked at the paintings of the hall that she and Anon were walking through.

Dammit. Anon could feel his desire for weed growing.

“Can you give me your tit?”

“I’m sorry?” Celestia looked at Anon with confusion.

“I mean…” Anon cleared his throat. “You know tit-for-tat. Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Great. His need to smoke was beginning to get to him.

Celestia froze.

Anon waited for her answer.

Celestia yawned. “I’m just a bit tired.”

“Too tired for your student’s friendship lesson?”

“Unfortunately, I am.”

Cush sounded wonderful right now.

Anon stared at Celestia a bit too long…

Celestia looked in his direction, and then looked away. If she noticed, she didn’t comment.

Focus Anon.

Anon studied Celestia: her posture, her face, even the way she wore her regalia. It was all perfect, without a flaw in sight.

And that was the problem. For someone who worked every day of every year, there was bound to be at least one thing that would be imperfect.

She seemed fake. And if she was being fake, then he had to get past her facade to help her.

Hidden Treat’s treats sounded good…

Celestia focused on the paintings, allowing Anon as much time as he needed to speak.

Anon shifted his attention to the paintings. They looked rather odd…

Especially the apple painted purple.

Anon swallowed, his mouth beginning to salivate like a dog. The cravings started.

Celestia studied Anon.

Anon had to distract Celestia.

“You know your highness, you learn to take life easier when everything that matters is taken from you.”

Celestia stopped, prompting Anon to stop as well.

It was time to go in for the kill.

“If I could go back and make things right, then I probably wouldn’t be lonely.”

Celestia turned around to face him. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Her tiara sat perfectly atop her head. Was Celestia really being fake?

Anon frowned and scratched his chin. He just needed to smoke!

Focus Anon!

If Anon was being fake, then this would have gotten him to open up. Then again, Celestia was a goddess with centuries of practice.

Celestia gave a smile, reassuring Anon that everything would be okay.

Which just made Anon crave some cush!

Anon shook his head, refocusing. “Your highness, what do you think of…” Anon pointed to the painting with the purple apple, “That painting.”

“Why-”

“But tell me with an artistic view fit of a goddess that rules over all that is good.”

Celestia wasn’t someone who could think on her feet, if what Hidden Treats had said about her was correct. If so, then Celestia wouldn’t be able to give a pre-planned talking point, as she wouldn’t have one.

“That is a rather odd request.” Celestia chuckled. “I don’t quite understand why you would want me to do such a thing.”

If Anon was one of her little ponies, then he might have felt embarrassed and dropped the question.

“There shouldn’t be a problem your higness. You don’t plan everything you do, right?” Anon studied her.

Celestia’s shoulders seemed to tense. “There is certainly no need-”

“You can’t do it, can you?”

Celestia sighed. She turned to face the painting, giving it her full attention. “From what my little ponies have created through their…” Celestia swallowed, “Bountiful imaginations, the use of mauve for an apple is a… wonderful use of color. It is so great, that is shall rarely be seen in future generations.”

Anon stared at the wall, his cravings were getting to him…

Celestia stared at Anon.

Anon shook his head. “Sorry.” He cleared his throat. “How does it make you feel, your highness? Unless you’re afraid to share your true feelings.”

Celestia’s face remained passive, but her tiara looked just a bit crooked.

“It makes me proud of my little ponies.”

“That’s it? After all they’ve done for you?”

“Of course that is not all.” Celestia cleared her throat. “Through the use of such trivial tools, my little ponies have portrayed such greatness as a perfect apple… That just so happens to be purple.”

“Elaborate.”

“Greatness is far too much… For one pony to bear all alone…” Celestia looked away.

Anon pumped his fist, joyful at his newfound realization.

Ma’s advice had allowed him to understand Celestia’s true feelings. Celestia was projecting herself through the painting.

Celestia was lonely.

Now that Anon knew what Celestia was feeling, he could find a way to cheer her up.

Which meant that he could satisfy his craving!

Wait. How was he supposed to do that again?

Anon and his damn cravings! Focus Anon!

Anon tried to think of the things Celestia liked. Celestia liked cake, but Anon didn’t have any. She liked her animal friends, but there was no way that Anon would let him direct her away from her work.

Wait! There was something that Celestia liked that Anon could provide…

This could work…

The staff of Canterlot Castle were all required to leave earlier than usual, so that they may enjoy Hearthswarming with their families.

Anon’s cravings had reached their peak. I need to smoke. Now. Now. Now!

Anon and Celestia arrived at the throne room.

Anon should’ve left to smoke, but…

Anon spoke instead. “What’s long and pointy and attached to a pony?”

“What is it?”

“An alicorn!” Anon laughed at the stupidity of his joke. “It’s like my jokes, horny!”

Celestia wore a smile. But Anon wasn’t sure if it reached her eyes.

Anon could practically taste a joint in his mouth. What it would feel like!

Somehow, Anon remained strong. “What do you think of my jokes?” Anon studied Celestia, waiting to see how she would react.

“I think they are rather lovely.”

Anon knew his jokes were terrible.

Anon stood still, his mind wandering.

Celestia looked in his direction, but said nothing.

Quick Anon! Do something!

“Are you going to be lonely this year?”

Celestia chuckled. “I shall not.”

I should leave! Now! I need my cush!

But for some reason, he didn’t. “Your highness, you can tell me if something is wrong. You know that, right?”

Celestia smiled. “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

This time, Anon was sure the smile didn’t reach her eyes.

“Celestia,” Anon sighed.

Anon had to break through her facade. He didn’t know why anymore, as his need for cush was limiting his thinking. But he just had to!

“When I said that I lost everything, I meant it. I lost my old life, my girlfriend, but worst of all, I lost my family.”

Celestia focused on Anon, but her face remained passive.

“I hated my parents. But worst of all…” Anon swallowed, trying to hold himself together.

It was hard thinking of the past.

“Worst of all,” Anon tried once more, “I never got to make it right with them.”

Celestia frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I need Hidden Treats’s product is so that I can forget the pain of what I’ve done.”

Celestia’s eyes grew with concern. She wanted to help him.

Anon had broken through Celestia’s facade.

He couldn’t stop himself from pouring his heart out to her. “I haven’t made a single friend in the past year because I don’t want to hurt anybody. Not like I did to my parents.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that.” Celestia spoke those words with genuine empathy.

Anon wiped his eyes, having just realized that he had been crying. He looked up, hoping that none of the staff had seen him.

Celestia stood there, not knowing what to do.

Could Anon truly help Celestia, when he was so pathetic?

He had to try.

“Your highness, can you answer me honestly?”

Celestia took a deep breath. “I’ll try my best.”

“What do you want for this Hearthswarming?”

Celestia swallowed, as if a great weight had been placed upon her.

From the look on her face, it seemed as though no one had thought to ask their goddess how she was doing. It was very typical of her little ponies.

Looking at Celestia made Anon’s cravings bearable.

Celestia looked to the door, as if she was about to leave.

“Please.” Anon reached out his hand, reaching out to her. “Answer me honestly.”

Anon wanted to help her, to genuinely reach out and show Celestia that she didn’t have to. That she wasn’t alone.

Not like him. Especially after all he did, and how he has treated his pain this past year.

If this didn’t work, then nothing would.

Celestia smiled, but she wasn’t happy. She looked ready to cry.

Her eyes and the way she hesitated spoke of her true feelings. For what must have been one of the few times in her life, someone wondered how she was doing.

Anon smiled, reassuring Celestia that no matter what, he would be there for her.

Celestia could only speak from the heart at the reassurance of someone who cared. “For this Hearthswarming, I just want a friend.”

Anon’s hand froze, hesitating on delivering his promise of compassion.

If Anon spent the day with Celestia, then he wouldn’t be able to smoke any of the good stuff he snatched from Treats.

If he couldn’t smoke any of it, then how was he supposed to survive this Hearthswarming?

“Anon is something wrong?” Celestia inquired.

Anon swallowed.

Did he have to do it? Would Anon be okay with it?

He didn’t want to.

“I understand.” Celestia’s voice was neutral.

Celestia raised her facade once more, as if he was just another one of her little ponies.

Just like the same little ponies that she always feels the need to be fake with…

Anon couldn’t be like them. It would be a terrible price to pay…

Anon smiled. “Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

So on the two went. Celestia had insisted that the both of them spend it at Anon’s house. And with the hopeful look on her face, there was no way to deny her.

And so, Celestia confirmed Anon’s drug problem. It would have been hard not to with the strong smell of Hidden Treats’s wonderful treats.

Celestia didn’t judge him.

But he wasn’t allowed to smoke for the rest of the day.

It was hard. Anon’s mind had wandered several times to his parents.

Celestia forced him to speak his mind. The hurt, the pain, the anger, all of Anon’s repressed feelings came out.

And Celestia was there to care. To talk to him. To comfort him. She helped him through his pain.

She even promised to keep visiting him until he was past his drug problem.

It was the most thoughtful things someone had done for him for a long time.

Anon wanted to find a way to thank her.

But how do you thank a goddess?

Simple, by being her friend.