Rainbow Raid

by The ancient one

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis
Length: 2487

A huge fart joke.

How the changeling army was TRULY defeated. Join Rainbow in her quest to rid the kingdom of changeling scum.

[contains low brow humor]

Published 2012-09-27 08:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-27 08:04:01 UTC

Rainbow Raid

We've all heard the tale of the changeling queen and her defeat by the power of love. But would you believe me if I told you it was nothing more than a lie? The changelings were defeated, not by love, but by a certain blue pegasus. The truth is, it was Rainbow Dash who saved Canterlot and all of Equestria. Please, sit back and enjoy the true story of that day, and how Rainbow Dash became known as Rainbow Raid.

Our story begins in the Canterlot Dungeons, held deep below the surface, a place where the worst of the law breakers are held. In these dungeons we find our hero, Rainbow Dash, speaking with her friend, Twlight Sparkle, on how they can end this madness.

“Come on, Twilight! There's gotta be something we can do! Use that bookworm brain of yours! Or better yet, teleport us out!” Rainbow Dash urged.

“Look, I realize we're in trouble, but screaming at me every fifteen seconds is not going to get us out of here!” Twilight replied, trying to calm to blue mare.

“I know, I know...it's just...Twilight, what if we never see them again?”

“We're going to get out of here, I don't know how, but we WILL save the girls. I just have to think, and for that I need to focus so please do me a favor and relax.”

Rainbow Dash was indeed worried about her friends, but that wasn't the reason she wanted to escape so badly. The true reason she wanted to leave is because she ate a bean burrito that morning, and it was coming back to haunt her. While she focused on that, Twilight was busy thinking, looking at the walls of their ten by ten cell. She couldn't find anything and was beginning to stress out, well, even more than she already was with a nagging pegasi in her ears.

“Twilight! HURRY!”

“Working on it!”

“Not fast enough!”

“Not fast enough!? Rainbow, you are working my LAST nerve!”

“Well at least one of us is working!”

Twilight was furious, her horn glowing in anger before unleashing a massive blast of concussive magic. The magic destroyed the walls of the cell, freeing them instantly.

“How did you not think of this before? Better yet, why didn't you just teleport us out?” Rainbow dash said giving a blank expression.

Twilight slowly turned her head and said, “Shut up”

They ran out the destroyed cell and began running for the exit, a long stone hallway with cells patterned on the walls, leading up to a flight of stairs.

“So why exactly would they put unicorns in cells that aren't equipped to handle magic?” Rainbow asked.

“Well, there are cells like that, but I don't think they knew which ones.” Twilight retorted. “That's good news for us, that means they don't know all the passageways hidden about the city.”

“Well that's good, we're gonna need one now.”

“Why's that?”

Rainbow dash pointed to the top of the stairs where two changelings were standing guard. Fortunately for them, they were facing the other direction, their attention focused intensely on the game of Tic-Tac-Toe infront of them.

“Are you sure we shouldn't check that noise out? The queen might have our heads for it later” One of them said.

“Are you sure you aren't trying to weasel out of the flank whooping I'm giving you? What queeny mc sing my evil plan out so loud that my own army can hear it don't know won't hurt us.” Replied the other, “Now come on, we didn't make this game 78 squares just so we could talk.”

The other shrugged and placed his circle somewhere on the grid.

“Twilight, what are we gonna do? The city is full of changelings, the second we step out we'll be thrown back in a cell” Rainbow whispered urgently.

“We just need to make a break for it, there's a secret passage into the Canterlot archives not too far from here. It houses all the magic spells ever created in Canterlot, we should be able to find a spell that can help us.”

“Twilight, you can teleport us anywhere in Equestria, just teleport us into the archives.”

“Rainbow, you can't just...actually have a point.”

Rainbow Dash smiled, enjoying the feeling of being right. Twilight charged her horn and grabbed onto Rainbow Dash, and they vanished in an explosion of white light leaving only the sound of thunderous magic. They appeared in the Archives where they saw nothing. There was no light, Twilight hadn't expected that, but it wasn't a big problem. She once again charged her horn and shot off a small ball into the air. A light source that didn't take much energy. She saw the room for what it was. A room filled to the brim with books, thousands upon thousands of them. She had never been in there before, she was told by her mentor the only ones who knew about it were her and her sister. There are spells there, dangerous ones, ones that would cause ruin to come upon the city if misused. The closest she had ever gotten was the frontdoor, which from her current standings, could not be seen. Knowing all of this worried the lavender unicorn that it was even in one piece, but even still she was excited to see all the volumes of untouched knowledge.

“Well, let's look for a spell” Rainbow suggested, moving her head from left to the right. She started walking only to slip on something, “What in the hay did I slip on?!” She moved her hoof around the floor. How? The area looked to be dry, she couldn't hear any drops of water, but she couldn't argue. She had slipped and decided to tell her friend, “Twilight, watch where you step, there's some water down here.”

“Huh? What? Water?” She looked down to see the trail of water, “Oh! Uhh, right!” She said, her eyes trailing behind her, giving a soft blush. They searched, and searched. And searched...and searched. And searched again, and some more.

“UGH! We've been down here for hours! We haven't found a single spell that could win a battle..” Rainbow bowed her head in defeat.

“What are you talking about? We found tons of spells that could be used to win a battle, only problem is that they'd either destroy us or all of Canterlot.”

“Well we can't keep looking for spells that won't have a dangerous side effect. We're running out of time.”

“I know being reckless is part of who you are, but I don't think I want to end up as...” she peered into one of the books “A burning void lacking all will and intelligence.”

“Oh come on, it doesn't sound that bad”

“Or a lesbian”

“Ok, I see your point, but there has to be something!”

“That's right, and that 'something' is what we're looking for. Just keep reading, we'll find something soon enough”

Rainbow dash kicked a book into a shelf, unable to contain her frustration. The sudden vibration caused the rest of the books to fall on her, flinging a large amount of dust into the air. She popped her head out of the mass of books and noticed a spell.

“TWILIGHT! TWILIGHT! I THINK I FOUND SOMETHING!” Rainbow screamed rushing to Twilight, crashing into her, and held the book to her face.

“The Raid spell? Rainbow, I've heard of this spell!” She rejoiced moving the book out of her sight, so she could speak to Rainbow face to face.

“You have?”

“Yes! It turns the targets strongest feeling into a weapon against their foes. Legend has it that a pegasi village was under constant attack by dragons. They were so scared that they turned to the unicorns for help, they needed a powerful spell to defend themselves, but didn't want to hurt anyone in the crossfire. They developed the Raid spell and with it in hand, decided it was better used as an offensive weapon than a defensive one. They attacked the dragons nest, and with the spell in hoof they managed to defeat the dragons. It's the spell we've been looking for!”

“Good, fire it up and get rid of these changelings!”

“I can't, the spell was designed for a pegasus to use, I'm a unicorn, I can only cast it.”

“Well where are we gonna find a pagasus to use the spell on at a time like this!?”

Twilight raised a brow.

“Oh, right, I'm a pegasus! Well, fire away!”

“Alright,” Twilight picked up the book and began reading how the spell was cast, “Ready?”

“Ready!”

Twilight shot forth a bolt of magic and struck Rainbow Dash in the chest. Bolts of lightning began jetting around her, a wind force blew the books into a tornado of dust and paper, the room quaked fiercely then...it stopped.

“Well? Do you feel any different?”

“No...I still feel like...me”

“That's strange, I thought for sure the spell worked...”

“I'm sure it's working, we need to save the girls.”

They nodded in agreement, and teleported out of The Archives and into the middle of the streets. They could finally see the destruction that had been taking place. The once shining utopia that was Canterlot now lay in ruins, the Castles eggshell white walls now turned black by ash, they barely even looked like walls now. The clean streets that were once filled with loving families, now filled with debris, changeling slime and unconscious ponies.

“HEY! YOU TWO!” A changeling screamed out from behind them.

“RAINBOW, USE THE SPELL!”

“RIGHT!” She stood on her hind legs and puffed out her chest, her eyes filled with determined expectation, the changeling began charging at them. She wondered what was happening, why wasn't the spell working? Until it hit her, “Uhh, Twilight, what's my strongest feeling right now?”

Twilight slapped herself in the face before screaming, “RUN!” Rainbow complied and ran for Twilight at top speed, but the changeling wasn't willing to let them go that easily. He shot a blast at her feet, tripping her, causing her to roll into Twilight, who was positioned on Rainbow's head as she tried to pull herself from under her. The changeling had them, he walked up to them and hissed aloud, calling his companions. Soon the area became surrounded with the hum of incoming changeling wings.

Rainbow finally managed to free her head, when she saw the swarm of changelings heading towards her. She realized they had no chance of escape this time. She remembered her friends, how Pinkie Pie and her would pull pranks together, how that pink pony always had fun and lived every day working to bring a smile to another face. How Twilight was always willing to lend a book to her, even getting her into the joys of reading. How she and Rarity and always got into arguments of being a “Proper lady”, while it did annoy her, it comforted her too. It felt nice knowing she had a friend who cared for how she carried herself. The competitions she had with Applejack, even in the most intense of them, they always had a laugh. And then there was Fluttershy, the sole reason she had a cutie mark, the filly she defended on that fateful day. The changelings landed

She would never see them again, she would miss them dearly. She cried.

As the tear struck the ground, her strongest feeling became apparent. Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, Fluttershy. She would see them all again if it was the last thing she did! She sharpened her gaze towards the incoming foes and began to shine. The magic cast on her was taking effect, and she knew what it was time to do. The changelings stepped back, and she, forward.

“What are you scared of? I'm just one little pony.” She taunted.

They looked to one another, though she was glistening with magic, she was still a single pony. There's no way they could lose, they regained their composure and charged her. She closed her eyes and resigned to the magic, she could feel her enemies closing in, and when they were close enough, she unleashed the power of the spell. She released a single unparalleled rainbow colored fart, it blew back the changelings, leaving only the scent of cheese in the air.

“Whoa...what an amazing power!” She exclaimed in joy. Now it was time, she could finally go rescue her friends, and even stop the invasion. But first, she had to make sure Twilight would be safe from any spare changelings around. With this in mind, she placed her flank near Twilights face and unleashed a furious rainbow wind. After a few minutes she stopped and took to the sky.

“HEY CHANGELINGS! HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!” She turned her flank to them. They were slightly confused on what she was challenging them to do, “UGH! ATTACK ME!” they looked at eachother and shrugged and flew for her. Rainbow began charging her body with the spell, and as they drew closer she let it go. The force passing from her rear was strong enough to projectile her, while at the same time creating a shock wave. She had just created, the sonic rainpoot. The changelings fell from the sky and crashed into the ground.

The wave of rainbow she emitted rained down on the city of Canterlot in the form of rainbow snowflakes. Changelings loved snowflakes, they enjoyed catching them on their tongues, it was one of the simple joys they had. They opened their mouths and tasted the flakes.

“These snowflakes taste like your mother” A changeling said to another.

“We're brothers you idiot” He replied

“I know...” A teardrop fell from his eye. And then they all died.

Rainbow road the wave of rainpoot, she aimed herself towards Canterlot castle and broke through the window. She found her friends serving the changeling queen, bringing ponies to her to drain them of love. Shining Armor, Cadence, the girls, all of them under her power.

“Hey! Let my friends go...or else!”

“Yeah, yeah, i've heard it all before. Let's get this over with.” She walked up to Rainbow Dash and leaned her head down “Show me what you've got” Rainbow smiled and turned around, “Uhh, I didn't mean it like that.” Rainbow shot the wettest and biggest fart she could, shooting small chunks of brown matter every now and again into the queens face. The force was strong enough to blast the queen out of the castle, out of Canterlot and into the distance. The girls came to their senses and freed the wrongfully imprisoned ponies. The war had been won, and the reason was Rainbow Dash, the Rainbow Raid.

And that is how the changelings were defeated.

"Grandpa"

"Yes?"

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I don't even know anymore, I don't even know."