Home Remedy

by RunicTreetops

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 1705

After you get sick, Celestia makes it her mission to nurse you back to health. Unfortunately, her understanding of medicine is a bit... antiquated.

"It's just the flu," you told her. But your lovely wife isn't having it. No spouse of hers is going to suffer under her watch! You definitely have ponypox, and she knows just what you need!

Apparently nopony informed her that her methods were found to be ineffective over 200 years ago.

Or that humans can't get ponypox.

Requested by LordMentat.

Published 2023-05-09 07:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-05-09 07:00:00 UTC

Home Remedy

You hold a tissue to your nose as you prepare for the oncoming storm. Sure enough, you find yourself sneezing several times, getting the poor tissue absolutely drenched. Throwing it into the nearby bin, you rub carefully at your nose, which at this point is bright red and irritated from the sheer volume of tissues that you've been pressing against it in the past few hours.

You shuffle around a little bit in an attempt to get your head more comfortable on your pillow. You're tucked into your large, comfy bed, but it's not exactly easy to enjoy said comfort when you're as sick as a dog.

This sucks.

It isn't the first time you've gotten sick since ending up in Equestria or anything, but at least last time, it didn't come with any burdens. You called off work, got in bed, made sure you had ample access to fluids and a toilet, and you let the sickness run its course. You didn't have to stress out about having someone worry about you or anything. Now, though...

"Sunshine, I've brought you something~"

You glance at the doorway to your bedroom. There, grinning at you, is your lovely wife Celestia. The retired princess struts into the room, a bowl of... something... being held magically in the air. She slides a small tray, which had been placed on your nightstand, over to you and places the bowl on top of it. The liquid inside is a sickly green color, and the small purple chunks in it make it look downright toxic. And the smell! Jeez, the smell!

"T-Tia..." Cough, cough. "What is this?" Your voice is weak and raspy, which does little to hide your hesitancy to accept whatever this foreign substance is.

"Just a little home remedy that will make you right as rain!"

"What's in it?"

"Oh, you know. Flash bee honey, fruit from a dragon sneeze tree, water from Froggy Bottom Bog, typical stuff!"

You have another coughing fit, partially out of shock from that strange, potentially dangerous list of ingredients.

"How... how is that supposed to help with the flu?"

"The flu? I'm sorry, darling, but you're mistaken. I know ponypox when I see it!"

"P-ponypox?"

"Mmhmm! Those flushed features, that sniffly nose, that horrible cough, not to mention your nausea! Those are all signs of ponypox, love."

"Those are also signs of the flu, which I have had before, and I am fairly certain I am experiencing now."

"Bup bup bup! No more stalling! Today, I am taking care of you, and I am going to make you feel so much better! But, I'm also not going to let you get by without taking your medicine! Now then..." She levitates a spoon into your hand. "Eat up!"

Ugh... there's really no getting out of this, is there? Welp. Bottoms up.

You awaken from an apparent nap. You feel groggy, and a little strange apart from the general sickness. You rub your eyes and look at a nearby clock. Looks like it's been a few hours. Stretching just a little bit and having a coughing fit while you do so, you notice the bowl, still sitting on the tray, back on the nearby nightstand. The bowl is... still pretty much entirely full.

It's at this point that you notice the indescribably disgusting aftertaste on the back of your tongue, and you begin downing a cup of water to have literally anything else on your taste buds. If you had to guess, you'd wager that Tia's strange concoction was so gross, it knocked you unconscious after one sip.

"Home remedy" your butt, that stuff was straight up poison.

Placing the cup back down, you try to adjust into a more comfortable position, only to find that your legs feel... weird. Kind of numb, actually. Lifting the covers, you are once again so shocked that you have a coughing fit as you struggle to make sense of what you see.

Covering your legs are about a dozen leeches, happily helping themselves to your blood. You briefly gag, and it takes everything in your power to stop anything from coming up. Those things are disgusting! You've heard of leeches being used in some medical practices, but how is this going to help the flu?! And who could have even-

Never mind. That's a stupid question.

As if on cue, your wife enters the room once more, looking just as chipper as ever. She trots over to the side of the bed, glancing down at your exposed legs and then back at you.

"Well? What do you think?"

"What do I think?! Tia, why are there-" Cough, cough. "Why are there leeches on my legs?!"

"To help with blood flow, of course! You can't let ponypox cause any issues in your legs while you're lying down. Especially you, since you're so tall!"

"Tia, I don't have ponypox. I can't even get ponypox! This isn't going to help me at all! If anything, this is probably seriously unhealthy for me!"

"Come now, sunshine, there's no need to be such a baby about it. It's okay if you're not very good at being sick. That's what you have me for! Just let me take care of you, okay?"

You grab another tissue and sneeze a few times. You then catch your breath before responding.

"Tia, I appreciate it, I really do, but please. I know my body. This will pass on its own. If you really want to help me, could you just bring me some regular soup? Or maybe a wet towel?"

"I... are you sure?"

"I am. Don't worry about me, okay?"

"...If your ponypox gets worse, don't blame me."

In a huff, she leaves the bedroom, closing the door behind her. You feel kind of bad. She really did just want to help, after all, and you more or less shooed her away. Still... there's a bunch of freaking leeches on your legs. You have to draw the line at some point. With a sigh, you begin the horribly disgusting process of removing the blood-filled leeches from your legs.

About an hour later, you hear a knock at the door. You try to welcome your visitor in, but your voice gets caught in your throat. Being sick isn't easy. Regardless, the door opens, and to no one's surprise, Tia enters once more. There is a concerned look on her face, and feeling a sense of déjà vu, you notice that she is carrying a steaming bowl. Wordlessly, she walks over to you, retrieving the tray, removing the old bowl, and placing the new one in front of you. This one smells pretty good, actually, and the steam alone helps to clear your sinuses just a bit. It... looks like ordinary soup. You look up at her, and her ears droop.

"My sunshine? I... er... I must apologize."

"Hm? What for?"

"I asked our practitioner about your condition, and he agreed with you. He said it sounds like the flu, not ponypox. Then he... uh..."

"He... what?"

"He scolded me for my treatment methods. Apparently, my 'home remedies' haven't been commonplace in hundreds of years. They don't even work!"

"Wow, really?" You did figure that, even though you don't understand much about ponypox, her "remedies" were a bit strange. After coughing a bit more, you continue. "I'm surprised you didn't know that, what with your experience and all."

"Come now, darling, don't make me bring up my age. I've... been around the block more than a few times. But, the only pony I've ever had to take care of like this was Luna, and that was over a thousand years ago. I just... wanted to help you."

You give her a warm smile. If you weren't feeling like crap right now, you would absolutely go in for a hug.

"I know, Tia. Thank you. I really do appreciate it. And I'm sorry if I came off as mean earlier. I wasn't trying to insult you or anything like that."

"I know you weren't, dear."

"Though to be fair, you put freaking leeches on my legs." She giggles. It's adorable. "Please, never do that again."

"I make no promises~"

Giving you a teasing smile, you watch as she magically adjusts the blanket for you, making sure you're as comfortable as possible.

"I'm going to go wet a towel for you. You just focus on getting better, okay?"

"Thanks, Tia."

"Love you, sunshine!"

"Love you too, dear."

With a warm smile, she turns to leave the room. You look down at the still-steaming bowl of soup and lift the spoon to your lips. Sure enough, it's delicious, and it feels heavenly on your throat.

Gosh you love that mare.

A few days later, standing in the hallway, you delicately knock on your bedroom door before opening it. There, sitting in the big, comfortable bed is Tia, her nose red and irritated and her mane frazzled and all over the place.

"Heyyyy Tia, how are you feeling?"

"To be honest, not too great. But hey, I've been worse!"

Her sentiment is cut short by a sneezing fit. Giving her a moment to compose herself, you grab the nearby tray and place it in front of her, along with the bowl of soup you brought in with you.

"Here you go, Tia."

"T-thank you, my sunshine."

She takes a sip and gives you a nod of approval, to which you respond by giving her a grin.

"Need anything else? Leeches, maybe?"

"Haha, no thank you! I learned my lesson already, no need to tease me about it!"

"Alright, alright. I'll leave you to it then, okay?"

"Oh, sunshine. Before you go?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you get me a half-gallon of vinegar?"

"Uhh... why?"

"I know a quick way to clear this ponypox right up!"

"Are you sure that's-" Looking at her pleading, tired eyes, you stop yourself just before finishing that statement. Instead, you let out a resigned sigh. "I'll be right back."

Her doctor is going to kill you.

Author's Note

Thanks for the request, LordMentat! I got a real kick out of this request!

As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!