Hold My Juice

by marmalado

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Narcotics, Apple Bloom, Comedy
Length: 4014

Apple Bloom manages to let a bottle of cider slip away. Unfortunately for her, it slips into the wrong hooves- er, hands.

Apple Bloom manages to inadvertently give a bottle of cider to an immortal 231-year-old who rules an entire government organization.

Said 231-year-old has a meeting with 11 of her employees.

This can only end well.

Not connected to any of the Pinkie Pie Visits stories -- thus, no pre-reading of those stories is required to understand this one.

Light inspiration comes from this Fandom post and a conversation on Discord.

Published 2023-05-15 08:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-05-15 08:40:01 UTC

Behold: The Watershed Version of That One Chef Boyardee Commercial

"All righty, Apple Bloom, just put that box right there."

The red-maned teenage filly nodded as she pushed a small wooden box into a collection of other wooden boxes. Each one was marked with a label that held nothing more than two bottles clinking up against each other.

"Thank ya kindly." The filly's older sister, an Earth pony mare with orange fur and a yellow mane, nodded. "Now, when y'all're done countin' the boxes, why don'tcha come inside for a snack? I'll have some apples n' peanut butter ready for ya."

"Great!" Apple Bloom grinned as she watched her sister trot away.

No sooner than the mare did so, though, did the filly get an idea. She eyed the stacked boxes, arranged ever-so-perfectly as to be a perfect playplace for a pony who loved to live life on the edge -- and although she was a little too old to play with boxes the same way she did as a younger filly, she still had a penchant for mischief all the same. Gaining such a smile, she began to climb on them, making sure to be careful with her hooves so she didn't slip and fall. Finally, she reached the topmost box, which stood only about two-and-a-half ponies tall from the floor but had enough of a base where she could stand on it without consequence.

"Hear ye, hear ye!" she called to her invisible subjects down below. "I, Apple Bloom, Queen of the Apples, am makin' an announcement!"

A pause, to listen to the nonexistent applause that followed.

"From now on, y'all must give your apples t' me, and only t' me! I shall distribute them as necessary throughout the weeks!" She grinned. "And once all the apples're gone, we'll go outside of Equestria t' get more! Who's with me?!"

She exhaled in such a way as to mimic the cheers of a crowd, her hooves stomping on the box to add an effect of applause. However, she wasn't aware that her base wasn't as sturdy as she thought it was. The boxes wobbled, and before she knew it, she was sent careening to the floor back-first. The box of cider she had been standing on collided with the floor too, but on the other side, and the impact caused it to open, sending bottles rolling everywhere.

Including, as it turned out, one that rolled towards the barn doors and through the farm.

"Huh? N-no, wait!" Apple Bloom called, getting to her hooves as fast as she could and quickly running after the bottle. However much speed she put on, though, she was still many paces behind it, and the pain in her back made her stumble from time to time.

Eventually, she, and the bottle, reached the small but certainly not quaint town of Ponyville. "S-somepony stop that bottle!" the filly cried out in between breaths. "It's defyin' physics!"

For her desperate pleas, however, nopony listened. Either they just dismissed it as just another weird thing happening, or just didn't hear her. She grit her teeth and forced herself to keep going through the town, hoping to find a good chance where she could leap and catch the bottle without it rolling away from her further.

That chance soon came in the form of the bottle rolling towards Starlight's castle, where the unicorn was set up in the front yard with a table, a book, and a portal that stood right smack-dab in the pathway leading to the entrance. Apple Bloom winced as another bolt of pain shot through her back, but in spite of it, she still attempted to widen her strides to match that of her older sister's, which was easy for her to do with her long gangly legs.

"Starlight! Watch out!" she called out. The unicorn didn't so much as flinch. Over and over again, Apple Bloom called her name to no avail, until she gave up and decided to focus her efforts into finding that one chance to leap-and-grab.

The bottle went towards the portal.

So did the filly.

She knew it was now or never.

Growling, she bunched up her legs and leapt, but her growl soon morphed into a scream when the bottle went rolling straight into the portal followed by her own body moments later.

The only thing that filled her vision, as well as her hearing, was white silence.

Inside a slick-looking office that looked more akin to a large airport in sheer size and aesthetic alone, twelve children dressed in business suits walked together as one singular group. Stares from other agents followed them, although they paid them no mind.

"Soooooo...Little O, was it?" One agent, Olympia, quickened her pace to match the stride of a girl who looked to be about 7 or 8 years old, decked in a white army-general-like uniform with a gray tie and epaulets. "This is the Big Office?"

"Yes!" the girl chirped in response. "One of seven. The Big O hasn't told me where the other six are."

"Why not?" Another agent, dressed similarly to Olympia but with an orange tie and shoes instead of red ones, flanked the Little O's other side. "You're her replacement, aren't you? And weren't you her top assistant?"

"Yes, and yes!" the Little O chirped again. "But there are some things the Big O just wants to be kept secret. I haven't tried to pry 'em out of her. And don't even think of trying, Omar."

"Speaking of the Big O..." The tallest agent of the group, dressed in a navy uniform with a purple undershirt, purple tie and purple shoes, spoke up. "It'll be great to see her again. It's been ages since she went to go visit the Odd Squad Space Unit."

"That was only a few months ago, Otto." Another agent dressed the same way, Olive, patted his shoulder affectionately. "And besides, time flies when you're having fun."

Murmurs of agreement rippled through the crowd.

"Anyway, sorry for all the, uh...unwanted attention you guys got on your way here." The Little O scratched her cheek. "I kiiiinda forgot you were living legends. Should've told you to put on disguises or something."

A chorus of words that were either "we're used to it, don't worry" or were something similar to it was her response.

Only a few minutes later, the group had arrived, facing a large door. The sign on the side of the door was marked with a 523 and OFFICE OF THE BIG O under it.

"We're heeee-eeeere!" singsonged the Little O, grabbing the doorknob and jiggling it.

It wouldn't budge.

"Huh? That's weird..." She pulled the doorknob every which way, using every bit of strength she had, with no luck. "Uh...d-does anyone else wanna try...?"

Every agent tried their hand at the uncooperative doorknob, but for all their strength, the door didn't swing open even a tiny bit.

"Don't you have a key?" Oswald asked.

The Little O shook her head. "I didn't think to bring one. The Big O specifically said it would be open for the meeting! I just- I'm-"

"Little O, Little O!"

Everyone whirled around to find another agent rushing up to them, dressed similarly to the Little O but without the gray epaulets she donned. He took a moment to catch his breath before he spoke.

"I-it's the Big O, she's..." A gulp of air. "Just look at this!"

The Little O blinked as a bottle was held out to her, completely empty and bearing nothing but a green label with a picture of a single apple on it. She took the bottle, examined it up and down, and furrowed her brows together in confusion.

"I...um...w-what is this?"

"Beats me." The boy shrugged. "One of the Security guards found it on the floor when I was walking by and handed it to me. I didn't know what to do with it, so I figured I would come to you and see if you knew."

A knowing smile and accompanying eyeroll sat on Otto's face.

"It looks like apple juice." Osmerelda, one of the youngest agents of the crowd, observed.

"Doesn't look like anything the Shmumber's brand would put out, though." Olive tilted her head.

One by one, each agent took a look at the bottle, crafting their own theories as to what it was. The only agent who stood back was Otto, who had taken the position of Odd Squad's resident troll and was watching the confusion of his fellow co-workers with a smile on his face. He knew what was going on, but vowed to keep it to himself, both because he wanted to test his ability to keep secrets and because he was genuinely enjoying what was going down.

"It just doesn't make any sense." The Little O sighed. "If it's not apple juice, then what could it be?"

The sound of laughing cut through the hallway right then. It was slow, it was slurred, and it was very, very close.

"What was that?!"

The question of the agent with armor on her shoulder, Orla, did not go unanswered. A white form turned the corner and began stumbling towards the group, covered in a sheet like it was doing an imitation of the classic ghost costume.

The Little O immediately took charge, reaching behind her back and pulling out a gadget that looked very much like a stun ray. "Odd Squad, Odd Squad! Stop right there!" she cried, the tremble in her voice just barely noticeable.

The form did not stop. It kept on going like the Energizer Bunny hopped up on drugs, stumbling and laughing and hiccuping. And the more it came towards the group, the more the group backed up.

Soon, backs hit the locked door.

"Little O, what do we do?" Oona, a Scientist clad in a white lab coat, white undershirt and navy pants, asked.

Orla cracked her knuckles. "Fear not! I shall save us all from this wretched menace!" she cried, before she took off at a near-breakneck speed towards the form.

The stumbling and laughing was brought to a halt as the form was sent crashing to the ground along with Orla. Almost immediately, the Ancient Agent went for the sheet, tearing it off before beginning to tear it into little tiny pieces.

Eyes widened across the board.

"B-Big O?!"

Sure enough, the Big O -- or Oprah, if one preferred to call her by her name and not her title -- was sprawled out on the floor. A blush crept across her dark skin, her hair was in loose curls instead of the bun it usually was, and her mouth had somehow been transformed into a cat smile. Around her mouth, foam could be seen, although she was far from rabid.

"What...happened to you?" Omar was the first to break the silence, stepping forward tentatively while still keeping his distance.

What he got in response was, quite literally, drunken gibberish.

Otto bit back a snicker.

The Little O could only blink as she stepped forward, standing next to Omar. "U-um, Big O..." She wrung her hands together. "Are you..."

More drunken gibberish, followed by a bout of slurred laughter. Truly, such a language could only be mastered by the alien lifeforms living about in space.

Mentally, the Little O began to smack herself. Being only a few months into leadership didn't leave her with much time to prepare for things like this, and with how long she had been the Big O's assistant, she was amazed she didn't know exactly what was happening. "Assistant." She pointed at the boy who had brought her the bottle. "Round up a few Odd Squad Doctors and tell them to meet me in room 386."

"What about us?" Another Scientist dressed like Oona -- her old mentor Oscar -- spoke up. "What can we do?"

"Go straight to the waiting room. I'll meet you there soon."

Hesitant glances were exchanged throughout the group, but ultimately, everyone went along with their boss's word and began making their way down the four floors to the waiting room in the lobby.

"Okay, Big O, let's stand up." the Little O cooed, attempting to use what strength she had to lift the big chiefaroni up to her feet. To her not-surprise, the Big O complied, laughing all the while, and together, the two meandered down the halls towards their destination.

Inside the waiting room, the group of 12 were attempting to keep themselves busy, mostly by reading magazines but also by holding conversations with themselves, catching up on their lives within Odd Squad and how things have been.

About fifteen minutes after they had left the Little O and the Big O, the sound of hooves clattered along the floor, followed by a skid, a thump, and more clattering.

"'Scuse me!" called a tiny voice. "I need help, it's an emergency!"

The assistant at the front desk, clad in the same attire as the boy with the bottle before, glanced down at the being that was speaking to him. "Sure. Is your emergency big, or small?"

"Big! Really big! Super big!"

"Who's that?" Olympia's partner, Otis, asked. "What is that?"

"Equus ferus caballus. Otherwise known as a pony, heh." Oscar adjusted his glasses. "They don't usually look like that, but they're pretty common odd cre-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know what ponies in this world look like, Oscar. Thank you." Otis held up a hand to stop his co-worker. "So that pony is from another world?"

"Looks like a filly." Olive blinked. "And going by the shared icon on her hips, she's definitely from another world...dimension...thing."

Otto performed another knowing eyeroll, a smirk settling on his face as he watched the filly converse with the assistant at the front desk.

"Partner."

He jumped in his seat.

"What's that look for?"

Silence. Every member of the group had their eyes on him now. "Aww man, ya caught me." he said, in mock disappointment. "Guess I have to fess up, huh?"

Collective head nods.

"Truth is..." He leaned in close to the group. "I know what's going on."

Oswald's brow furrowed. "Wait...you do?"

"Yes." Otto decided to go the "cool guy" route from then on in, reverting to his usual sitting position and crossing his legs while tucking his hands behind his head. "That bottle the Little O had? It's hard apple cider. It's not apple juice."

"Cider?!" Olympia's eyes widened. "The Big O drank cider?! But that's-"

"Alcoholic? Yes it is. It's stuff that's only for adults. Served often in nightclubs to the 18-and-older crowd." Otto explained. "I don't know the brand, though it's definitely not Shmumber's."

"So she drank the cider, and as expected, she is now drunk." Orla finished, nodding in understanding. "I see. Very well done, young Mr. O."

"Just call me Otto."

"Of course. But one thing intrigues me." Orla got up and turned to face Otto. "How do you know all this?"

Otto simply shrugged. "I love food."

"He's a food enthusiast." Olive elaborated. "He can tell what food an agent is eating by only looking at it for a few seconds. It's really an impressive talent."

Murmurs of "ohhh's" spread through the crowd.

"'Scuse me, pardon me!" The filly weaved her way through agents' legs, coming to a halt in between Orla and Otto. "Sorry, but have any 'f y'all seen a loose bottle 'f cider?"

Glances were exchanged. Mostly of the "this filly knows what we are and it knows we speak English?" variety.

"Yeah, we have." Osmerelda said. "The Little O has it, but unfortunately it's empty and we-"

"Empty?!" The word was practically a screech, and the filly could feel every eye on her. It unnerved her, but her top priority trumped any nervousness she might have felt. "How?! Who drank it?!"

"Our boss, the Big O. She-"

"Osmerelda." Otto interrupted, picking the filly up in his hands as a surprised expression briefly crossed his features as to how light it was. "What's your name, filly?"

"It's Apple Bloom, but that's not important right now!"

Otto shushed the pony, a small smile on his face as he set her down in the seat next to him. "Calm down. We'll tell you what happened."

For the next few minutes, Apple Bloom got wind of what had happened with the bottle of cider she had inadvertently spilled. Likewise, she shared with them the details of what had led to the bottle of cider appearing in this weird world in the first place.

"So y'all're...hew-mans?" Apple Bloom tilted her head. "My older sister's told me about ya! Though I don't think the hew-mans she described look like any 'f y'all..."

"Probably not." Oswald said. "In your eyes, you're in an alternate dimension where humans look different than what you're used to. And the same goes for us, because the ponies here don't look anything like you."

Apple Bloom chuckled. "Yeah. But y'all seem pretty friendly!" She smiled. "Thanks for findin' my bottle 'f cider. Even if your boss did happen to drink it all."

A chorus of "no problem's" met her in return.

The door flanking the right of the admittance desk swung open right then, and out walked the Little O without her boss in tow. She made her way over to the group, her suit stained with sweat.

"Well..." She took in a gulp of air. "It took the Doctors a while, but...we finally got the Big O to settle down. She's resting now. They said she's gonna wake up with a...'hangover' the next day. Whatever that is."

"It's nothin' serious." the filly pointed out. "She'll just feel all rotten. Like what ya feel when ya have a cold. Least that's what my sister tells me."

Sighs of relief followed suit.

"Well that's good news, heh." Oscar said. "It wouldn't be good if cider actually ended up killing her, you know?"

Silence, followed by more than one "now why would you say that" glare aimed right at him. He gave a bout of sheepish laughter as a blush crept onto his face.

The Little O stared at the filly. The filly stared back at her.

Even more silence.

"Uh, hi there!" The filly extended her hoof. "Th' name's Apple Bloom. And you are...?"

"L-Little O..." the girl responded. "Nice to meet you too. Um...I-I'm sorry, it's just...I've never met a creature...a pony? A pony like you before."

"Well, ya wouldn't be th' first. I've never met a hew-man like you before, either." Apple Bloom chuckled. "But anyway, I need t' apologize t' ya."

"Apologize?"

The Little O was soon caught up to speed like the rest of her co-workers.

"So you spilled a cider bottle after knocking over a box and chased it through a portal to this world, where the Big O found it...somehow...and she drank it?"

"Pretty much." Apple Bloom rubbed her leg out of nervousness. "I'm really sorry. My big sis always tells me not t' goof off when I'm workin'...I didn't listen, and it bit me in the flank big time."

"Take it from someone who learned the exact same lesson the hard way." Omar made his way to the front of the crowd, bending down and placing his hand on the filly's shoulder, but not before shooting a glance the Little O's way. "There's a time for work, and there's a time for play. You just have to know which is which."

"And take it from someone who made him learn that exact lesson." The Little O smiled, having gotten the hidden message from Omar. "It's okay to have fun sometimes, but you can't do it all the time."

Apple Bloom nodded in understanding, mentally chuckling to herself at how the lesson these hew-mans were giving her sounded an awful lot like what Twilight would write in a letter to Princess Celestia. "Thanks." She smiled. "I really thought I would be let off with a lot worse."

"Nonsense!" The Little O waved her hand dismissively. "Going by your appearance, I'd say you're probably under twelve -- the same age as us. And us kids are prone to making mistakes." She glanced at the door she came out of. "Just keep a better eye on your cider. Our boss has a bit of an...unhealthy addiction to stuff like that."

"And clearly, she cannot hold her liquor." Orla shook her head.

"Please. It's bad enough with the juice." Otis rolled his eyes. "And when she doesn't get enough? Forget it."

Olympia started trembling right then and there, as though flashing back to the last time the Big O hadn't had her required daily fill of juice. Pure trauma.

Apple Bloom gave a hearty laugh. "Don't worry, I will!" She turned towards the admittance desk. "Anyway, I need t' get home. My sister's gonna be really mad..."

As she swallowed her nervousness, she exchanged goodbyes with the group (and well wishes to the Big O for a speedy recovery) and left the building. Lucky for her that she had landed just outside the office doors, and it was also lucky for her that the portal had remained open. Deciding to not question why it was still open and instead jumping at the free chance to go back home, she stepped right through, and her senses were met with a blinding white again.

Apple Bloom's hooves took her right down the castle's entryway, where she noticed Starlight was now gone. She didn't bother to stop, figuring she could apologize to the unicorn for using her portal tomorrow.

By the time she returned to Sweet Apple Acres, the sun was setting, and a wave of fatigue was washing over her. She opened the door to her home abode as she brought air into her lungs for the announcing call.

"I'm home."

"Sugarcube!" Applejack was the first to arrive. "Sweet Celestia, where've you been? I've been lookin' for ya for hours!"

"Yeah..." Apple Bloom kicked the ground with her hoof. "About that, I, uh..."

And then, the filly reiterated the whole story a third time around.

"You WHAT?!"

The cry brought the attention of Big Mac and Granny Smith, who both poked their heads into the living room to see what the commotion was about.

"I-I'm really sorry! I know now that there's a time for work and there's a time for play, a-and I'll never ever goof off again, Pinkie Promise!"

Applejack heaved a sigh and pulled her sister close to her, patting her head in an attempt to have her cease her flustered speech. "Don't you worry a lick about it, Apple Bloom. I think these humans gave you a lesson that'll be stickin' for a long time t' come. A lesson I probably could've taught ya..." The last part was muttered under her breath, although she was at least somewhat sure Apple Bloom could hear it. "But that doesn't mean you're gettin' off without punishment."

"Huh?"

"Y'know how we always split the farm chores half-n'-half?" Applejack smirked. "Tomorrow, you're gettin' three-fourths. Includin' Big Mac's. And that includes makin' a new bottle 'f cider, by th' way."

Apple Bloom groaned. However, her annoyance was short-lived. "Guess it could be worse." she said, knowing that she was probably tempting fate but still holding confidence in her words anyway. "I'll have t' wake up super-early tomorrow."

"Darn straight." Applejack began making her way towards the kitchen. "Now let's go and have some dinner. It's gettin' cold."

Apple Bloom obliged, eagerly following her sister as she realized that her stomach was now clawing for food. She thanked the stars that her punishment really wasn't as worse as it was, and from the time she ate her dinner to the time she slipped into bed, she thought of the hew-mans -- or rather, humans -- she had met in the other world, with only one thing weighing on her mind as she closed her eyes and slipped into the land of dreams.

I wonder if I'll see 'em again...maybe I will, someday.