Shooting the Breeze With a Retired Princess

by RunicTreetops

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Romance, Anon, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 1538

Not every day in Equestria can be an adventure. Sometimes, you just end up waiting in a long line with your retired princess wife.

Equestria can seem like a magical place where wonder and excitement await you at every turn. At least, it can to a human like you. Over time, though, you get used to it, and it's inevitable that the excitement will die down sometimes. Now is one of those times, as you and your wife Celestia wait in a stupidly long line at the market. What sort of magical antics will you get into to pass the time?

You're going to have a casual conversation, of course. What else would you do?

Published 2023-05-17 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-05-17 21:50:01 UTC

Shooting the Breeze With a Retired Princess

Author's Note

I wanted to experiment a bit by writing a story that consists almost entirely of casual dialogue. I would be very grateful for opinions on it!

As always, I appreciate any and all feedback!

Shooting the Breeze With a Retired Princess

"But, sunshine, do they ever actually make it to the Grand Line?"

"I have no idea, Tia. That was as far as I read before I ended up in Equestria."

You stand in the middle of the Ponyville market. It's early fall, so while the heat isn't quite as oppressive as it is during the summer, it's still running a bit warm. Next to you stands your wife, the retired Celestia. Her mane and tail are tied back to accommodate for the heat, and you're both dressed in light clothing. You each carry a large bag full of produce and groceries that will last you about a week. Even in a magical world full of talking ponies and super-powered friendship, boring days like today are still bound to occur. Right now, the two of you find yourselves at the back of a very, very long line for some high-quality carrots. Tia loves those things.

"Well, that's unfortunate. Personally, I've never left a book unfinished, but I've also never been in a position where I lost access to it."

"It probably helps that you have all the time in the world now. Who cares if the sequel doesn't come out for another ten years when you're immortal, right?"

"Immortality is a curse just as much as it is a blessing, sunshine."

"I never said it wasn't! But if you only focus on the bad, you'll never appreciate the good! If you're immortal anyway, might as well be a glass-half-full kind of pony, yeah?"

"I suppose you are right. Perhaps the low lows are simply more memorable than the high highs. I've had to watch many close friends come and go in my lifetime. I am afraid of doing the same with you."

You playfully nudge her with your elbow.

"You say that like I plan on kicking the bucket anytime soon!"

"Hmhm, true, you are awfully resilient. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I simply woke up in another world, unable to ever return home."

"Well, if it weren't for you, Twilight, and everyone else, I imagine I would have had a much harder time trying to adjust. Plus, you'd be leaving behind a lot more than I did."

"Yes, I would be leaving you behind, for example."

"Don't get all sappy with me in public, Tia, it's embarrassing!"

"Oh, but it's so fun to watch you squirm!"

She nudges you back with one of her large wings.

"Har dee har har. Anyway, these carrots are the last thing on our list, right?"

"Well, let's see." Using telekinesis, she removes a neatly folded piece of paper from her bag and begins reading from it. "Oats?"

"I've got two boxes."

"Pear jam?"

"Got a fresh jar right here."

"Eggs?"

"And butter, and flour, and baking powder, and salt, and sugar, and vanilla, and icing. Yes, I have everything I need to bake a cake."

"...Well, those were the next seven things on the list, so good job I guess. Gosh, am I really that predictable? Anyway-"

"Your next line is 'Next up is cucumbers!'"

"Next up is cucumbers-hey!"

"Haha! I think they're in your bag."

"Hmm... yeah, here they are. Okay, next up we need bread, which I believe is also in my bag. Then we need tea leaves."

"We'll get those from the specialty shop down the road on our way home."

"Okay. Well, that just leaves carrots."

"Alright! We're good to go."

"We will be once we finally get the carrots."

At this point, the two of you have been in line for a good ten minutes, and there are still probably a couple dozen ponies to go before you're up.

"Why are they so popular today?"

"I believe I read in the paper that some local farmers successfully cross-bred a few select carrots, and these are the biggest, tastiest ones ever grown in Equestria."

"Don't get me wrong, I like a good carrot, but you ponies are something else, man."

"I believe 'we ponies' have a much bigger issue with your old diet than you do with our fondness for vegetables."

"Hey, I went vegetarian after I realized that would be a problem here!"

"I've never bothered to ask before, but how was it? To be completely honest I find the idea of eating meat to be abhorrent, but I imagine it was fairly normal for you before you showed up in Equestria."

"Oh yeah, it was super normal. I never really thought twice about it. I mean, there were some ethical questions about the treatment of livestock, and there are definitely humans who hate the fact that other humans eat meat at all, but our bodies were made for it. From my perspective, it's weird that you have no concept of what meat tastes like."

"I would prefer to keep it that way, sunshine."

"And I'm not suggesting otherwise! Even if I do miss getting to enjoy a good steak."

Celestia lightly shudders.

"I know I brought it up, but I would prefer to cease this topic. The idea is making me nauseous."

"Alrighty then, we'll talk about something else. Uhh... hmm..."

"I believe you've mentioned it before, but what exactly is a 'supermarket?' I fail to see how a market could become 'super' unless it was really large, or something."

"I guess that's pretty much exactly what it is, actually. It's a really big building with rows upon rows of food and stuff, more or less."

"Oh? How does everypony set up all of their stalls in one large building? That sounds like it would be a logistical nightmare."

"Well that's the thing, there AREN'T any stalls. All of the food is sold by the company that owns the building."

"They produce ALL of that food?"

"Not quite. The system of food production, distribution, and acquisition is a bit complicated, especially for a fic."

"For a what now?"

"Don't worry about it! Long story short, it's pretty different from the markets we have here in Equestria."

"You humans have such advanced technology, yet I cannot wrap my head around why you make some of the decisions you do in spite of that."

"I'm right there with you, Tia. Personally, I prefer the way it all works here."

"I would say the same, if I had any frame of reference for what it's like in worlds that aren't this one."

"It's probably safe to just assume the worst."

"That doesn't sound very 'glass-half-full' of you, sunshine~"

"Eh, there's a reason, but that's a long story for another time."

You both look forwards towards the stall. The line has barely moved.

"It looks to me like we have all the time in the world, love."

"Alright, second excuse: I'd rather not talk about it."

"Well that just makes me even more curious!"

"Let's just say that the people in charge in other worlds aren't exactly as compassionate as ponies like you. Heck, even Ember would look like a saint compared to some humans."

"Ember is a nice dragon beneath that tough exterior, Anon."

"I know. Meanwhile, humans are rotten to the core."

"Must I be optimistic for your own species on your behalf?"

"Hey, what's done is done. I'm an Equestrian human now, and I couldn't be happier. Can't we just leave it at that?"

"...Fine. Do you have any other stories to tell in the meantime, then?"

"Hmm..." You place a finger to your chin as you think of another story to tell. You briefly glance ahead. You two are going to be in this line for a while. "So, it's the 31st millennium, and there's this guy named Horus..."

"Go on~"

"...No. I have changed my mind about opening that can of worms."

"Er... very well, then. Perhaps I shall tell the story this time. Have I talked about the time I convinced Luna that the moon had exploded?"

"What?! No! When did this happen?"

"Hmhm, this was only a few months after we took over the burden of raising the sun and the moon. Oh, the look on her face as I magically held the moon below the horizon while she tried to pull it up! So, there I was, right as it was time to lower the sun-"

The two of you continue on discussing whatever comes to mind for the next couple of hours as you wait in a painfully long line. Life in Equestria isn't always exciting, but with the right company, even the most mundane moments can be made fun. And how lucky you are to have a wife that loves spending time with you this much.

"And Cadia broke before the Guard did."

"I-I'm sorry sunshine, can you reiterate to me why Abaddon wanted to destroy this 'Cadia' place specifically? There are a lot of moving parts here and I am very confused."

"Alright, I'll rewind a little bit. So, the Imperial Guard is a force of humans and abhumans that-"