The air in Sugarcube Corner was thick with a heavy sense of anticipation. Five mares sat around a table thrumming with energy and hushed conversation. Wild speculation flew about, with each individual gradually coming to their own conclusions.
"Maybe she's sick?"
"That mare ain't been sick a day in her life. And even if she was, why all the hubbub about tellin' us?" Applejack countered, her eyes softening as Fluttershy wilted slightly. "At least ah hope she ain't sick?" She offered uncertainly, relieved as the demure pegasus brightened back up a bit.
"Silly, she's obviously going to tell us all about how she's actually a thousand-year-old immortal vampire, and is going to offer to share her gift with us. But it will come at a terrible price…" Pinkie trailed off ominously, her eyes narrowing as she scanned the table.
"Her bein' that old would explain the cobwebs in her head," Applejack said, nodding slowly. "But if ya ask me-"
"We didn't," Rarity interjected.
"This is one of two things," she continued, shooting a glare at Rarity that was largely ineffective. "Either she's got somethin' she wants t' brag about, or she's setting up a prank or some such and needed us outta the way. Whichever it is, she said lunch was on her, and you can be sure I'll hold her to that," Applejack punctuated her statement by tilting her head back and tossing the last piece of her sandwich into her mouth.
"Girls, please," Rarity started, flicking her mane to draw all eyes to herself. "This is all very obvious. Rainbow Dash has finally decided to make it official and tell us all about her and Twilight dating."
All eyes turned to the unicorn in question, frozen mid-way through a bite of her third cupcake. Like a thermometer reporting a rising temperature her face filled with red from the bottom up. Even her horn turned a rosy hue as she gasped - quickly remembering the confection in her mouth as she found herself nearly choking. Hacking coughs interrupted the low din of the pastry shop for a long few moments.
With a single hoof Pinkie slid a glass of water in front of her. A straw and a little umbrella sticking out the top. Both of which were ripped out in a magic glow as Twilight tilted the glass back and chugged the offering, finally bringing her coughing to an end. She took a moment to breathe, before looking back at the five mares still staring at her.
"I-I don't know w-what you're talking about," she stuttered, looking to the side. "W-we aren't d-d-dating!"
There was a long, communal, "Ooooooooooh" around the table.
"That makes way more sense than her being an immortal vampire," Pinkie conceded, rubbing her chin thoughtfully. "Not as cool though."
Applejack tipped her hat slightly. "Ah reckon yer spot on this time, Rare's. It's 'bout dang time they came clean. Been almost three months by my count."
Twilight waved a hoof. "Hello, I'm right here. I said we aren't dating."
"I'm glad for them," Fluttershy said quietly, a small smile on her lips. "They've seemed very happy ever since they got together."
"Indeed," Rarity agreed. "And they've chosen a fortunate time to make it official. I can't wait to design them matching dresses for the next Gala."
"I'm still right here."
"And Pinkie's been itching to throw them a party for ages," Applejack added.
The mare in question nodded rapidly. "I thought for sure I was gonna explode into purple-and-blue confetti if they didn't announce it soon. But now I can finally start planning."
"WE AREN'T DATING!"
There was a sudden slam as the front door was blown open in a dramatic gust of wind. In the doorway, striking a pose, tinted sunglasses covering her eyes, was Rainbow Dash. A cheer erupted through the bakery, several mares fainted, and the crying baby stopped crying.
Or at least, that's what happened in Rainbow Dash's mind. What actually happened was a quiet jingle as the bell above the door announced her arrival, and nopony even glanced her way.
There was no baby.
Yet.
She flicked her head, her sunglasses flipping up to rest atop her head, (they flew off her head entirely, but she didn't notice that) and strutted inside. Head high, chest puffed out, wings thoroughly floofed and visibly softer than usual.
Twilight was the first to notice her entrance, and the unicorn stared at her flatly. Watching Rainbow Dash strutting around like an aroused peacock made her question several of her life decisions. Their eyes met, and Rainbow shot her a toothy grin, wiggling her eyebrows in a way that was probably supposed to be alluring or seductive, but was so thoroughly un-coordinated it looked more like two sickly-thin caterpillars having the world's saddest rave on her face.
"Hello, girls," she said, sauntering up to their table. Cocksure and oozing bravado as she gathered their attention. "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here."
"'Cause you're dating Twi- oof!" Applejack was forcefully cut off by an alabaster elbow being jammed into her ribs. She shot a withering glare over at Rarity, who cleared her throat loudly and forced a smile.
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, we were."
Rainbow's grin widened. "Well, sorry to keep you all in suspense. I bet you're all dying to know what super awesome news I have."
Applejack's teeth audibly ground together, but she kept her lips pinched tightly shut.
"Are you gonna turn us all into immortal vampires that consume the life-force of the living to sustain their own unnatural existence?"
"Hah!" Rainbow barked a coarse laugh, shaking her head. "Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie," she tutted. "You silly mare. I have no idea what any of that means."
"Oh so now we're pretending not to know what's going on?" Twilight asked. Nopony acknowledged her.
"But it's finally time for the big news," Rainbow started, leaning forward dramatically. "Are you all ready for a story of drama, excitement, and…" she trailed off, flicking her eyes side to side in the tense pause. "Romance?" The malnourished caterpillars made another appearance.
Twilight's forehead made a thunk as it hit the table, and she buried her head under her hooves.
Taking a breath, Rainbow let her question hang for several moments, letting the anticipation build until she thought it might burst entirely.
Everypony was just staring at her flatly.
Finally, she reared back onto her hind legs, spreading her arms and wings wide, and announcing, "I'm pregnant!"
"Congratu-" their communal cheer was abruptly cut short, their eyes growing wide. "What!?"
Rainbow smirked victoriously. "Oh yeah. Didn't see that one coming, didya? I know, I'm awesome. Take a moment and just really… take it all in. Let it soak."
Everpony looked to Twilight, who had pulled her head back up at the announcement. Her face was compressed into an unreadable, neutral line.
"Y'all're, uh, movin' things along a might bit fast there, don't ya think?" Applejack asked, hiding her face slightly behind her stetson.
Rarity was looking almost as red as Twilight. "I… I didn't know there was a spell for that…" she muttered quietly, mostly to herself as decidedly un-ladylike thoughts swirled in her head.
"There isn't," Twilight hissed. Then paused, and tilted her head to the side. "Well, okay, there are a few I know," she conceded, before shaking herself. "But that's not the point! I haven't used any of them!"
"But if you haven't…" Fluttershy trailed off, swallowing nervously as attention switched back to Rainbow Dash, currently admiring her hoof and paying no attention to the conversation. Until she felt eyes on her again, causing her to look up.
"So, am I awesome or am I awesome?"
"Um, Rainbow Dash, darling," Rarity started falteringly, glancing around the table in a silent plea for help. When it was denied, she forced herself to continue. "Don't take this the wrong way, but… who, exactly, is the father?"
"Father?" Rainbow echoed, tilting her head. "What are you- oh!" She chuckled, running a hoof through her mane. "I totally forgot you guys don't know yet. Wow, I guess this is a two-for-one on the awesome announcements. Get this - Twi and I are dating." She shot a smirk at the unicorn in question. "Isn't that right, babe?"
"WE KNOW!"
Rainbow Dash recoiled slightly at the collective shout, her smile faltering for a mere fraction of a second, before it came back in full force accompanied by a roll of her eyes. "Come on guys, you don't have to try and pretend. We hid it pretty well, there's nothing to be embarrassed about."
Applejack looked like she was ready to throttle somepony. Probably somepony with cyan wings and more confidence than common sense.
Anyone who had thought to speak up, however, was silenced as Twilights hooves pressed into the table and she stood from her chair. "Rainbow, sweetie," she said, voice dripping with an eerie calmness that seemed to flow out of her like a thick fog. "Who, exactly, is the father of your child?" Her horn glowed dangerously bright, and for a moment every resident in Ponyville felt a fearful shiver run down their spine. "And did he force himself on you?"
Rainbow blinked, and perhaps for the first time in their relationship, realized she was dating the most powerful unicorn she had ever met. Which, really, made perfect sense to her, because she was the best flier, after all. "I dunno what you're talking about, Twi. There's no father," she explained with a shrug. "I'm the mother. And you're the other mother."
"Mother squared!" Pinkie shouted, giggling.
Twilight's horn abruptly stopped glowing as her hooves slipped out from under her and her forehead once more thunk'd onto the table.
"Oh… my…" Fluttershy squeaked out from behind her mane. "I didn't know you two were so… serious…"
"We aren't!" Twilight yelled as she picked herself up. "Rainbow, without magical intervention, two mares can't have a child! And I certainly haven't cast any of those spells."
Rainbow scoffed. "What's wrong with two mares having a kid?" She asked, eyes narrowing slightly. "That's kinda homophonic, Twi."
Twilight's eye twitched. "Phobic," she correctly tersely. "That's homophobic."
"She's kinda right though," Pinkie said. "Why can't two mares have a foal?"
"Oh, I don't know, biology!?"
"Wow, Twilight, I didn't know you were such a homophone."
Twilight's glare could have melted the arctic. Rainbow Dash pulled out a bottle of sunscreen and dabbed some onto her nose.
"Now everypony hold your horses for a second," Applejack called, tamping her hat down onto her head. "We've got two conflictin' stories happenin' here. I ain't one to mince words, so I'll just come out an say it: Rainbow Dash is a few apples short of a bushel, but she ain't that dumb, so something must have happened."
"Well duh, something happened," Rainbow snorted derisively, rolling her eyes. "Twi an' I cuddled on a cloud last night, and now I'm pregnant."
There was a very long, very quiet silence. A slight breeze blew a tumbleweed across the table.
"I stand corrected," Applejack said eventually. "Rainbow Dash has a single apple, left to ferment at the bottom of a barrel for a few months too long."
"You, er, seem to be leaving out some details, dear," Rarity said slowly. She glanced at Twilight. "She is leaving something out, right?" She asked hopefully.
Twilight took a slow, deep breath. "No, Rarity, she is not," she said. "That is exactly what we did last night, and nothing else happened."
Fluttershy retreated further into her mane. "Oh dear… um, Twilight, I-I should probably tell you that Rainbow Dash was out with the feather flu during our sex-ed classes."
Twilight's eye twitched again.
"Pfffft. Who needs school? My folks kept me caught up while I was out anyway," Rainbow said, waving a hoof dismissively. "Why are you all being so weird about this?"
"Pinkie, would you be a dear and fetch us some more drinks?" Rarity asked, keeping one eye on the lavender unicorn sitting to her left. "I think we may be here a while."
"But I don't wanna miss the show!" Pinkie argued, producing a bag of popcorn from what may as well have been the ether as far as anypony knew.
"Rainbow Dash," Twilight started, pinching the bridge of her nose tightly. "Can you please tell me how, exactly, you think equine reproduction works?"
"Equine repro- what?"
"Oh, Celestia I'm dating a moron. Foals, Rainbow Dash. Where do foals come from?
Rainbow's ever-present smugness lessened slightly. "What? Twi, don't tell me you don't know? Were you really that much of a shut in?"
Breathing in sharply through her nose, Twilight winced as she felt the headache forming. "Just answer the question."
"Uh, alright, well, it's a little embarrassing having to tell you this at your age," Rainbow admitted, reaching up to rub at the back of her neck. "But when a mommy and a daddy love each other-"
"Or a mommy and another mommy!" Pinkie called helpfully, knocking back another hoof full of popcorn.
Rainbow nodded toward her. "Right, or two mommies - don't wanna be homophonic. But when two ponies love each other very much, they go and cuddle together on a cloud, or I guess a bed works for you flightless ponies, and the mare gets pregnant. A couple months later a stork brings you your foal."
Rarity audibly cringed. Applejack was fully hiding behind her stetson, as was Fluttershy behind her mane. Pinkie was failing to contain her giggling.
"Wait," Twilight held up a hoof, her other one now rubbing gentle circles on her temple. "Wait just a second. Is that why you were always so fidgety about cuddling with me?"
Rainbow blushed slightly, looking away. "Well, yeah… I wasn't ready to have a foal with you. I know I'm the speedster, Twi, but you move fast, even for me," she explained.
Nodding her head, Twilight sighed. "Okay. I see. And what makes you think you're pregnant now?"
"Well, we did the cuddling thing, and I do, uh…" Her eyes flicked up to Twilight, holding there for only a moment before she looked away again. The blush spread until it was bridged from ear to ear across her muzzle. "I do love you a lot."
Twilight felt her face heating up to match. "Oh, Dashie, I… I love you, too." Rainbow managed to meet her eyes, and they smiled at each other.
"Hey! Lovebirds! Focus up!" Applejack called from behind her hat. "This math don't add up."
Twilight shook herself from her momentary stupor. "Rainbow, I'd like to apologize on behalf of both your teachers and your parents for allowing you to go through life not knowing how reproduction works," she said. "But I promise you, you cannot get pregnant from cuddling. Especially from cuddling with another mare."
"Again with the homophonia Twi?"
"I'm not homophobic! I am a homosexual!"
Rainbow's muzzle scrunched slightly. "You are?"
Twilight had to take several deep breaths to stop herself from leaping out of her chair and strangling her girlfriend.
"Twilight, darling, I think you might be closer to morosexual," Rarity whispered so Rainbow wouldn't hear.
"Well anyway, it's more than just the cuddling thing," Rainbow said. "I've got, like, all the symptoms of being pregnant."
Twilight scoffed. "Like what?"
"Well for one, my period is, like, super late."
"Your-..." Twilight trailed off, and for the first time in her life, she prayed. To whatever deity might hear, she prayed for the strength to not kill her moron of a special somepony. Failing that, the good luck to get away with it. "I don't know who or how or why you think that, but we're equines. We don't have that kind of menstrual cycle."
"Oh, well that explains a lot."
"It's getting worse," Applejack said. "How is it getting worse?"
"I… I really don't know," Rarity replied.
"Okay, but!" Rainbow shouted suddenly. "Morning sickness is a thing, right? And I was super sick this morning!"
Twilight looked at her in disbelief. "Rainbow you ate three pints of ice cream last night and washed it down with two energy drinks. My stomach was hurting just watching you."
"Oh yeah," she chuckled. "I did do that. It was good - you should have tried some."
"Rainbow…" Fluttershy trailed off timidly, reaching out to put a hoof on the pegasus's shoulder.
Slowly, Rainbow's smile faded, as she lowered herself down into her seat. She propped her elbows up on the table, holding her chin in her hooves. Eventually, in a small voice, she asked, "I'm not pregnant, am I?"
Everypony at the table shook their heads.
"I'm stupid, aren't I?"
There was a moment of half-hearted 'not really's and 'its not your fault your parents failed you's, but eventually that just turned into solemn nodding as they were forced to acknowledge that Rainbow Dash was a twenty-two year old mare who didn't have the first clue how sex worked.
"Oh, Rainbow," Twilight sighed. She leaned forward over the table to kiss the pegasus on the cheek. "It's okay. Everypony has gaps in their knowledge… granted, some larger than others…"
"Just call me an idiot, Twi."
Twilight sighed. "Okay, yes, you aren't exactly the brightest," she conceded. "But that doesn't change the fact that I love you!"
Rainbow smiled at her weakly. "Thanks, Twi."
"Um, for what it's worth, I think it's really sweet of you to be willing to have a foal because Twilight wanted one," Fluttershy offered gently, patting Rainbow on the back encouragingly.
"Yeah," Pinkie added. "You two are super adorable together. And now I can throw you two a 'congrats on getting together' parry."
"And it takes a lot of confidence to admit when you're wrong about something," Rarity said, nudging Applejack.
The farm mare raised an eyebrow. "What? Don't drag me int' this. I think she's got more air than brain 'tween her ears."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Think about it this way, Rainbow: Now that we know, we can work on filling in the areas you're weakest at." She smiled mischievously, lowering her voice. "I promise I'll be the most fun teacher you've ever had."
Rarity raised an eyebrow. "You really are a morosexual, aren't you?"
"Rarity, what does that even mean?" Twilight asked bluntly, annoyed that her flirting had been interrupted.
"It means you're sexually attracted to morons," Rarity deadpanned. "Like Rainbow Dash."
"Hey, she's not a moron!"
"Yeah, I'm not a moron!"
Rarity recoiled at the dual shouts in both her ears. "Did we not just agree about this?"
Twilight huffed indignantly, standing from the table and walking around it so she was next to her girlfriend. “Rainbow, sweetie,” she said, hooking a hoof around the pegasus’s neck “How about we go back to my place and I’ll teach you all about the birds and the bees?”
“The heck do birds and bees have to do with anything?” She asked. The only answer she got was a pair of lavender lips capturing her own in a kiss.
When Twilight pulled back, there was a slight blush to her cheeks. “You’re hot when you’re stupid,” she said. “Come on, I think a practical demonstration will be necessary.”
“I dunno what that means,” Rainbow said. “But it sounds fun. Count me in.”
“Oh, trust me,” Twilight chuckled, low and husky as she pulled her towards the door. “It’ll be a lot of fun.”
Rarity watched them go, mouth slightly agape before she realized and promptly clicked it shut. “Well then…”
“At least they’re happy?” Fluttershy asked, unsure in her own words.
“They’re funny,” Pinkie giggled.
Applejack started to nod, only to look down at the plates on the table. “Hey now wait just a dang second. Rainbow Dash! You said you would pay!”
~A few months later~
Rainbow Dash sighed as she relaxed back into her pillows, foreleg behind her head and the other wrapped around her girlfriend’s shoulders. She looked over, her eyes met Twilight’s. “You know,” she said, “I’m really glad you taught me this stuff.”
Twilight giggled, craning her neck up to press their lips together. “Mmmm, so am I. But there’s still plenty more for you to learn.”
“Pffft, what, are you gonna tell me that a stallion’s g-spot is in his ass?”
“Dash…” Twilight rolled herself on top of the pegasus, grinning hungrily down at her. “You’re an idiot.”
“Wha-” Her half-formed objection was silenced by a passionate kiss, and she quickly found Twilight’s tongue invading her mouth.
The beginnings of their make-out session was interrupted, however, by a noise outside. Panting, Twilight pulled back, glancing to the window. “What’s that?”
Rainbow quirked her head to the side, her ears perked. As high up as her cloud home was, there wasn’t much explanation for the sounds. Especially because it sounded like… “Is that… somepony crying?”
“Maybe somepony’s hurt? Come on,” Twilight urged, jumping out of bed and rushing down to the front door. Begrudgingly, Rainbow followed, casting one last, forlorn glance at her cloud mattress before following the unicorn.
Downstairs, she found Twilight standing in front of the open door. There was no mistaking it for anything else now - the sound was crying, and it was coming from right outside. “Twi?” She called. “What’s up?”
“I… what?” Was all Twilight could say.
Frowning, Rainbow stepped up beside her, following her gaze down to a brown wicker basket. Inside, swaddled in blankets, was a small unicorn foal with a rainbow mane and purple fur.
“I fucking told you!”
Author's Note
Has this joke been done before? Yes. Do I still think it's funny? Hell yes. I hope you also find it funny.
