Retreating Rationale (an author's worst nightmare)

by LordBarcha

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe
Length: 3741

A malevolent author hijacks the universe. Things go downhill from there.

A bad author hijacks the universe and is determined to make it into the greatest mess ever to exist. Things escalate toward a bleak and chaotic future as hijinks ensue. Will Luna ever get over her case of the measles? Will Applejack ever declare her undying love of grape jelly? These questions (won't be) answered in this exciting episode of Retreating Rationale!

Published 2012-09-27 21:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-03 00:52:21 UTC

In Which Pinkie Pie Is Incensed

Lightning shot down from cloudy skies, illuminating the flat roof of the Astronomy tower in central Canterlot. An orange pony cowered in one corner, trying desperately to hide herself among the smooth stones.

Brightly shining, the figure of Celestia stood grinning in the center of the floor. Guards swooped down from the sky, surrounding her.

“Princess, what is the meaning of this? Why are you attacking our charge?” A nameless pegasus begged.

“I’m not attacking her!” Celestia cried, “And you can keep guarding her, ON THE MOON!”

With a bolt of magic, the guards vanished, apparently transported to the lunar surface.

“I had forgotten how much fun tyranny is,” Celestia commented, as she strode closer to the cowering figure, “Now, just relax and calm down. I’m just going to violently teleport you to the moon, or at least, somewhere in that area of the sky. It’s always so hard to hit a moving target”

“Wait!” protested Applejack, “Since when are you a tyrant?” She tried to bolt, but the princess simply stepped to one side.

“Keep running, Applejack! Straight TO THE MOON!” Celestia quipped. Another shot of golden magic flowed over the tower, and the orange figure disappeared.

“Who needs narrators, anyway?” Celestia asked, “You can narrate, FROM THE MOON”

With a flash, the scenery changed to a marble floor. High arching columns arced gracefully up to a ceiling nearly a mile above. Through clear quartz at the top, a small green and blue smear was visible. “So this is the moon?” one guard asked.

“OF COURSE!” A voice boomed from a balcony at one corner of the room, “DO YOU THINK I WOULD DO NOTHING FOR A THOUSAND YEARS?”

“Princess Luna?”

The alicorn, rather than answering, simply leapt from the balcony, flying hundreds of feet into the air. She floated there, drifting slowly downward. “Blasted low gravity, it doesn’t even let me fall right! That was supposed to be a dramatic entrance!”

A bearded unicorn on one corner mumbled to himself, “Gravity doesn’t work like that. She should be taking just as much time to fall as it did going up, no more, no less. It’s like we’re in a piece of fiction written by somebody who has no idea about how physics works, but wants to show off how smart he is.”

“Princess, what happened?” begged one of the guards.

“From what I can tell,” exposited Luna, “My sister, who has never once shown anything but benevolence and forgiveness, has gone mad. This madness has resulted in her sending people at random to the moon for nothing more than her amusement. Most absurdly of all, it would seem that my insane alter ego, Nightmare Moon, built a marble palace on the moon while waiting for her thousand years to be up. This is rendered all the more absurd by the fact that there is no marble on the moon. the moon is made of cheese with a core of incredibly dense matter making up for the excess mass.”

Without any warning at all, a pink pony appeared from one corner of the room, screaming, “Duck! Scene break incoming!”

*SCENE BREAK*

It is a little known fact that seizing attention is a cyclic system. As flamboyance and other factors rise, the amount of attention gathered increases. However, if pushed too far, the amount of attention loops back around until the person is effectively invisible. Indeed, most observers find themselves looking in the opposite direction for no discernable reason.

This particular skill was eventually refined by a long line of assassins, who would walk through entire secure facilities wearing the most absurd costumes, and never be noticed, much less caught. Unfortunately, they rapidly discovered that because people refused to acknowledge their existence, they refused to believe that they had been killed. After the third zombie incident in a row, they finally agreed to give up the assassin's trade in exchange for a sizable monthly stipend.

These skills waxed over generations of assassins turned thieves until a true master was born. This master was so excellent at this skill, she occasionally managed to do so both without a costume and without trying.

Hooves clattered against the ground as Rarity rushed toward the library. Overhead, a rainbow streak cut through the sky, growing ever closer. Solid oak doors flew open with a crash and the pair landed unceremoniously in the center of the room.

Outside, the sun suddenly set, then rose again. “You really must watch where you’re going, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity huffed, “my mane is an absolute disaster.”

“Sorry, Rarity, I kinda got distracted and didn’t see you.”

A door slammed open, revealing a purple mare in a white lab coat. From behind her, long streams of paper spilled across the floor. Rushing past the pair lying on the floor, the decidedly maniacal mare shot past them.

Rainbow Dash blocked her path, demanding, “What’s going on, Twilight? I haven’t seen you this bad in a while. Is it Celestia going insane, the fact that Cadence was actually a changeling all along, and that Chrysalis was her daughter, or all the stuff Pinkie Pie has been babbling about lately?”

Instead of answering, Twilight levitated a set of books from the shelves and fled back down into the basement.

“Wait, what was that about Pinkie Pie?” Rarity asked.

“She’s been babbling about something called the ‘Plot Continuum’. She also said something about ‘The worst of all possible worlds’ and ‘the badfics’, whatever they are.”

A pink head poked out from between two books, shouting, “Watch out! The author is terrible at dialogue! He’s going to use an overly meta moment to distract you, then end the scene!”

*SCENE BREAK*

“This madness has only one possible cause!” Luna shouted to the guards as they chased her through the palace.

She burst through the gate, and slammed into the statue of Discord, which fell to one side, utterly lifeless. Her horn glowed as she examined the fallen tyrant. Suddenly, she gasped and recoiled from the thing.

“Princess! What is wrong?” The guard asked.

“The binding spell is still entirely intact, but Discord’s life-force is not present within it. He is dead!”

“Why would the author kill him off?” Pinkie Pie asked from her perch on Luna’s back, “Now he won’t be able to resolve the plot holes he’s been making.”

Luna considered asking where she had come from, but decided it might be best to just forget it. Backing away from the fallen villain, she jumped in shock as Pinkie Pie suddenly started wailing.

“NO!” Screeched Pinkie Pie, “He wouldn’t DARE! Run for your life, Luna. If you spend much more time in the spotlight, he’ll notice you.”

“What are you talking ab-” Luna started to say, before a glazed expression crossed her face, “Pinkie Pie, have I ever told you how much I like your mane?”

“What was that?”

Blushing furiously, the princess tried to hug her.

“No. Don’t do this to me.”

“I love you!”

Pinkie struck Luna across the face. Hard. “You’re better than this! Don’t let him control you! Snap out of it!”

Luna leapt onto her, lips puckered. Pinkie pushed her away, looking decidedly less fluffy.

“Author!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she fled the increasingly amorous princess, “I swear! I will find you! I can deal with bad dialogue, terrible pacing, and huge plot holes, but this is too far! You’ve destroyed my friends, and made this world a disaster in all but name.”

In her search for a hiding place, she eventually settled on a nearby hedge maze. As she turned the first corner, she nearly tripped over a blue unicorn. She skidded to a halt and stared at the spectacle before her. Celestia sat in a corner, lips locked with Trixie. Opening an eye, she broke the kiss.

“Moon.”

*SCENE BREAK*

Hi! My name is Empress Seraphis Angelus Bacon Cavallo Mangiatore Ebony Smith, but you can just call me Seraphis Angelus Bacon Cavallo Mangiatore Ebony Smith. I’m a young alicorn with a cutie mark cutie mark. It means I’m talented in everything! Everypony loves me.

Today, while out exploring the mines, I found an enchanted sword forged by the last king of Atlantis for my exclusive use. After thrashing Chrysalis and Celestia with it, I almost broke down. Why has fate been so cruel to me? It gave me stunning looks, every possible skill, and riches beyond imagining, but they can’t fill the void in my heart. Only my palace and various love interests can comfort me. *sigh* Life is so ha-

With a thump, the black alicorn collapsed to the ground. “No.” said Pinkie Pie, “There will be no more terrible self-inserts. This has to stop.”

*SCEN-

“Oh no you don’t, Author. I’m the main character now. This story is about me fixing your messes, so do your wo-”

End of Chapter 1

A/N: Is it always this hard to control characters?

AotA/N (Author of the Author’s note): This is a parody. Obviously. My thanks go out to LieutenantLafayette, who helped proof the mess. Also incensed is an archaic form of “Enraged”

In Which Many Crosses are Crossed Over

The group of hooded figures stood in a circle, examining a glowing display.

“What do you think?”

“It is irredeemable.”

“Then let it be taken to a vote. All in favor, raise your hands.”

All raised their hands.

“It is decided, then. I declare Exterminatus on this universe. I hereby sign the death warrant of an entire world and consign a million souls to oblivion. May Imperial Justice account in all balance. The Emperor Protects”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rain poured down on the desolate cityscape. From under a ledge, John stared intently at his book. Shivering, he pulled his jacket a bit tighter. He drew deeply from his fake cigarette. It was only some old newspapers, rolled up and dampened to keep them from burning too quickly. Dull droning of cars and buses traveled slowly up to his ears from the streets below, only to be broken by a strange sound, a deep, throbbing hum coming from below him. Pulses tore through the ground, cracking the concrete.

“Blast!” Shouted John, “The ground is trying to eat me!”

The noise grew louder, and the ground exploded outward.

“Wait. Is that... Dubstep?”

*SCENE BREAK*

John groaned in pain and opened his eyes, only to be greeted with a pair of mismatched eyes, one red and one violet. He shuddered in terror.

“What’s wrong?” Vinyl asked

“They’re here!”

“Who’s here?”

“The Ponies!”

“Do you have a problem with ponies? I’d say we’re usually pretty nice.”

“No! You don’t understand!” John screamed in terror, “My entire family was killed by a stampede of genetically modified ponies! The same ponies then caught on fire and burned my house down! Another one took over my company and kicked me out of my job! Every day, they force me to read terrible books! If I can’t answer all of their questions, they beat me up, with the books!” He examined Vinyl more closely. “Wait! You’re one of them!”

He fled outside, still moaning about his terrible life. Suddenly, an avalanche of books tumbled from the sky, crushing him.

“Sorry, Twilight!” Came the voice, “I just don’t know what went wrong!”

“Derpy!” Twilight shouted, “Now I’ll have to research forbidden magic to revive him!”

However, rather than continuing to chastise the clumsy pegasus, Twilight began making out with her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The author of your story is utterly beyond help.” The hooded figure stated flatly.

“I agree!” Pinkie Pie chirped, “So you’ll help me fix things?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Exterminatus has been declared. The reality bomb is being prepared as we speak”

Pinkie’s hair flattened instantly, “You’re going to destroy us?”

“If you hurry, you might be able to save a few. Prevention is possible, as you have proven, but even you cannot cure the disease. Once the author twists a character, it is immutable. This is an act of mercy. They died a long time ago.”

The figure wavered and flickered out, leaving the room in darkness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the outskirts of Equestria, the behemoth slowly rose from the water. It stood on two legs with a large red sphere protruding from its chest.

Chariots, pulled by pegasi, soared around it. From them, unicorns launched bolts of magic. From a nearby hill, a catapult launched a massive boulder at the monstrosity. It struck the thing across its beaked face, sending it plummeting to the ground.

It pushed itself back onto its feet, asking, “What was that for?”

A very nonplussed commander responded, “You’re a giant monster. What do you expect?”

“I’d expect some cordial greetings, perhaps an invitation to tea and a polite discussion.”

“Can we just get back to the fight?”

“I’d really rather not. I’ve had a rather strange day.”

“What makes it strange?”

“I was supposed to be attacking some city called Tokyo-3. You people seem a bit too equine to be inhabitants of that city.”

“So you’re sure you won’t rampage through a village or two?”

“Absolutely not. I’m just going to stand here and hope that whatever brought me here sends me back. I’m quite good at regenerating, though, so I suppose you could keep hitting me if it would make you happy.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Something unexpected is happening.”

“What is it?”

“The author attempted to perpetrate a crossover, but it failed.”

“What do you mean, failed?”

“The angel he dragged over from Neon Genesis Evangelion refused to rampage. In fact, it’s just standing there.”

“What significance is this?”

“It means that more characters are resisting. I move that we withhold the reality bomb by another three hours to more fully examine the proceedings.”

“This is acceptable.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a small house on the outskirts of Phoenix, Arizona, John Smith heard a knock at his door. Standing slowly, he stepped toward the door and looked through the peephole. A glaring, pink face stared back at him. With a panicked cry, he thrust the bolt home and sprinted for his computer. Upon arrival, he found the pink pony already waiting for him.

“You’re coming with me, author.” she stated flatly, “You need to see what you have made.”

He blinked and found himself standing in the middle of Ponyville. In the distance, golden magic flashed, the signature of Celestia’s rampage. Buildings burned because of inhabitants too busy romancing to notice. In the distance, the massive figure of Sachiel buckled under a barrage of boulders and magical blasts.

“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?”

John chuckled, then broke into a mad cackle. “What right do you have to shame me in my own story! You’re a mere character! I am the author! In this world, I’m practically a god! Cadence, come to me!”

“This is it! The final battle! Author against character! A universe on the line!” the narrator shouted.

With a flash of blue flame, a massive black changeling appeared. Hissing, it launched itself at Pinkie. She ducked, sliding beneath it, and landed a blow against its stomach. It turned and slammed her hard enough to send her through a building.

She grunted and stood up, “Did you really think I would try to fight you without help?”

Missiles rained from the sky, obliterating the monster. The NERV gunships soared overhead, tipping their wings in victory. Behind Pinkie, a blue box appeared and three ponies stepped out. First came Vinyl Scratch, looking much less heterochromic. Next, Lyra Heartstrings strode to the front, clutching a harp in two mechanical hands. Finally, Doctor Whooves himself stepped out, a determined expression on his face and a sonic screwdriver in his front pocket.

“I searched this world and the other one you so carelessly combined it with for allies in our inevitable clash. These are the ones you forgot. The ones too unimportant for you to taint. The final survivors.”

“Sachiel!” called the author, “Kill them all!”

The behemoth slowly materialized before the group in all its inhuman glory. A group of NERV agents fired missiles at it, but they were deflected by a glowing, octagonal field.

“Let us handle this one!” Pinkie shouted up to them, “Everyone have your core drills ready?”

Green light enveloped the field of battle, growing brighter by the second. From its depths, mechanical components knitted themselves together until they stood as tall as the opposing monster. The crimson mecha slowly flexed its arms, grasping at the air. Sachiel wasted no time, launching a crux of light at its opponent. However, it simply shattered against the armor of Pinkie’s mecha, not even moving it an inch.

“This machine is our absolute determination to protect this universe! You dare think that so weak an attack could ever hope pierce our armor? My name is Pin-Kamina, after all. Don’t tell me you readers didn’t see this one coming.”

A giant drill materialized on the end of the mecha’s arm, growing rapidly in size. Propelling itself forward, Pinkie Pie indulged in naming her attack.

“Pinkamena Giga Drill Breeeeaaaaaak!”

Under so powerful an assault, Sachiel’s AT Field shattered instantly. Just before the first and last blow struck, it muttered, “I knew I should have stuck to tea and crumpets.”

Having become wholly holey, the unholy abomination collapsed to the ground, dead. Suddenly, a lance of golden light pierced Pinkie’s mecha, cracking its armor and severing an arm.

“Who dares stand against Celestia Solaris Equestria?”

Another bolt destroyed the mecha outright, sending the pilots flying. They landed in a smoking heap of bruised limbs a few feet away from John.

“No!” Pinkie screamed as she struggled to stand, “I refuse to let it end here!

John chuckled and raised his hand dramatically into the air, “Celestia! Kill them all!”

“Did you just give me an order?” Celestia’s voice was quiet, almost a whisper.

“Yes. I did give you an order. I am the god of this world! You will obey me!”

With a flash of golden light, the grey ash drifted gently to the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I don’t believe it.”

“What? What’s going on now?”

“the author is dead!”

"This is unprecedented! How did he die?”

“At the hooves of the first character he corrupted.”

“Oddly poetic, almost like somebody was trying to make a point.”

“How long until reality bomb detonation?”

“One minute.”

“Will you watch?”

“Would you watch a world die screaming?”

“Yes.”

“You sicken me. Of course I won’t watch it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun went out, but the world stayed the same. Piece by piece, the sky turned a flat white. The white dribbled down from the sky, wiping buildings and their inhabitants into oblivion. Ponies didn’t even notice as they faded. Kissing even in death, the void devoured them before they even realized it was there. Celestia seemed to notice when her wing vanished, but was consumed too quickly to ever know for certain. The grassy field, pockmarked with holes, suddenly shone with deep navy light.

Luna stood before the group, half of her face missing. The white dripped down as she struggled to speak, covering one of her flat, dead eyes.

“P-Pink-k-k-ie.”

The pink pony, now protected by a strange orange suit, gently embraced the dying princess.

“I-I-I’m Sor-Sorry.”

“No, Luna. I’m sorry that it came to this. I should have tried harder to save you.”

The shattered visage twisted itself into a small smile, before disappearing entirely. Pinkie sat there for a time, until the ground finally disappeared from beneath her. She turned to face the other survivors.

“What are we waiting for! There’s an entire multiverse out there and it’s up to us to make sure it has a brighter tomorrow!”

End of Chapter 2.

A/N: ….

AotA/N: My thanks once again go out to LL for helping proof the thing. For the record, except for the scene with Luna, I just kind of made it up as I went along.

Epilogue, or In Which a Job Offer is Discussed.

“We saw what you did, Pinkie. The implications of that event have given us hope.”

The pink pony threw herself at the figure, whose image flickered gently. “I could have saved her! She was fighting it!”

“Your intervention started too late. You approached us after the motion had passed to detonate the reality bomb. The two of us who remained to observe did not have the power to stop it, but only to delay it for a short period.”

“Did you contact me only for this? To make excuses?”

“No. We called you here to give you a job opportunity. One we think you’ll jump at.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My previous stories were painfully dramatic. I worked in the occasional black comedy, but aside from that, they quickly got tedious. The entire point of this story was to give me a format where I could get away with doing just about anything. It gradually turned into a parody of Mary Sues, shipping, and various other groan worthy phenomena in fanfiction. I am now at a point where the real fun can begin. Sometime soon (within a month! maybe!) I’ll be posting a follow-up to this. This (might!) be the opening. It’s rough and nobody proofed it, so forgive a few typos. Comments and critiques are welcome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Do you know why we destroy universes?”

“No. Why do you murder millions on a regular basis?” Pinkie asked insultingly.

“A multiverse is like a pool. There is only so much water. We destroy the worst branches to make room for growth. If we don’t, it poisons the pool.”

“So how do you decide which branches are ‘worthy’?”

“That’s not for you to know.”

“So you want me to work for you, why?”

“You did the impossible. Luna reverted. It was only for an instant, but it happened. According to our understanding of the universe, this could not have happened.”

“You want me to do it again?”

“Yes. It could save us a fortune in demolitions.”

“Where do I begin?”

A story appeared on the screen.

“My Roommate is a Vampire?”

“This is the future of branch B34-25A. You have to change it. If Vinyl bites Octavia even once, we detonate immediately. Our recommended course of action is to eliminate one or both immediately.”

“You’ll forgive me for not taking your advice. I try to keep away from murder.”

“For what it is worth, I wish you luck. You will need it.”