Anon: Dream Warrior

by SouthernTrot

Rating: teen
Tags: Lyra, Princess Luna, Anon, Comedy, Random, Violence, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death
Length: 1117

Anon uses his overexagerated luck and abilities to survive the dream world.

Everyone is the hero of their own story, especially Anon as he uses his incredible luck and exaggerated abilities to survive the dream realm.

Published 2023-05-24 16:10:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-05-24 16:10:00 UTC

Zzzzzzz

You open your eyes to find yourself in, well, the same place as always, staring at the ceiling at Twilight's treehouse. The sun was shining through the window, and birds were obnoxiously chirping as per usual. Usually Twilight would be up by now to complain to you about something you did that you knew was wrong but did anyway. You have tried to tell her before that you are just too cool for morals, only to be scolded. It turns out that apparently trying to ship spike to Abu Dhabi 'wasn't very friendship of you' or however she worded it. You kind of tend to zone out during her long, wordy lectures. Besides, Equestria doesn't have an Abu Dhabi anyway. You learned that when they told you at the post office and gave you weird looks. Though the looks were probably just because of the crossed eyes she has.

Well, there's no point in trying to fall back to sleep with these birds. Checking the fridge reveals that it is completely empty, which is odd. Usually, she's good at keeping it stocked. You have a few bits you've acquired through mostly legitimate means. You might as well hit up the market for breakfast at the few shops you are still allowed to visit. You head out the front door and greet the various townsponies.

"G'morning Cheerilee, heading to market as well?" you wave.

"Stay the buck away from my school house," she hisses.

"Lovely weather, wouldn't you say, Fluttershy?" At the sound of your voice, she lets out a faint whimper and begins to trot faster. You close your eyes and whistle a merry tune, only to be hit in the stomach with enough force to knock you back onto your butt. You groan and open your eyes, only to be met face-to-face with a crying and enraged sea green unicorn with yellow eyes. "Howdy Lyra, how are you doing this morn-" You receive another hoof to the stomach. Before you can say anything else, your head is forced, via magic to face hers.

"You bastard! You stood me up again last night! What the hell is wrong with you?!" Clearly, she is upset; time for damage control.

"Was that last night? I am so sorry. How about next Friday we ca-" you receive yet another hoof to your stomach? What is this mare's problem?

"No, Anon. I am done trying to be part of your life. I loved you, and you stood me up 17 times." It has actually been closer to 22 times, but whatever. She releases her magic grip and begins to angrily trot off before breaking down into tears. Mares and their raging hormones. Though you can't help but feel as though you are in the wrong.

Suddenly, though, you notice an elderly male pony join her and ask "What's wrong?". It is clear to you that he is trying to groom that weak, vulnerable mare, and you just can't stand for this, so using your superior knowledge of action films, you backflip over to the stallion and plant a firm karate chop on his back. He groans and crumples to the ground immediately.

"Fear not, my beautiful Lyra, that sick stallion is no more." She swoons, and as you begin to walk away, you turn your head to hers. She is overcome with lust "How about a date tonight, baby?" She just nods, and you continue on your way to the market.

"Help, Help!" the screams of a troubled mare fill the air. You follow them where they lead, the market. A blue stallion with a black mask is trying to rob Carrot Top of her carrots(what else would she be selling?). You grab the gun that is conveniently on the ground by your feet.

"You won't be stealing anything today, fiend," you yell as you fire five rounds, each bullet hits his body, and he falls to the ground.

"B-bullets my only weakness. How did you know?" He struggles to get out before dying.

"Just a lucky guess," you say as everypony claps and cheers. You toss the gun to the side. Carrot Top gives you carrots for free for stopping would-be robber. "Why thank you, miss."

"LOOK OUT!" She yells. You turn around to see three mean-looking stallions ready to inflict damage on you. You punch the first in the mouth, shattering all his teeth. He falls to the ground in pain.

"You better go see if Colgate can fix that for ya, pal." The third stallion lunges at you with a hoof, but you pull stallion two in front as a sheild. You then charge into them, knocking them onto the ground laying on eachother. You jump up and elbow-drop onto them, breaking stallion two's sternum and completely powderizing stallion three's ribs with your immense and impressive strength.

As you get up, you hear, "Hi Anon!" It's the voice of Twilight. You mentally prepare for some sort of lecture as to why hurting ponies is wrong, but as she approaches, you notice something very wrong. A strange growth on her back. Wings.
"Hi Anon!" she repeats herself. You grab the sword, which also conveniently just so happened to be on the ground right next to your feet. You charge and do a summersault landing next to her. You simultaneously cut her wings off in one slice while doing what can only be described as an awkward but manly pirouette. "My wings, they're gone! Thank you, Anon, for returning me to normal. I'll never lecture you again!"

You smile at Twlight and say, "Hey, I just did what any friend would do." You wink and walk away. Suddenly, your surroundings fade to black. Twilight is gone, as is everyone else. What the heck is going on? You turn around to see a very displeased Princess Luna standing there. "Howdy, Princess, what brings you to this fine town this evening?"

"Did I just watch thou decapitate the wings of Twilight Sparkle as well as cripple countless ponies?"

"Perhaps."

"What The Hell Is Wrong You?!" She yells, but before you can answer, you wake up and realize that you were indeed asleep and that all your hard work and heroism never truly happened. What a wild dream! You wonder what Luna thinks of you after having seen all of that. It is dark out. You walk over to the calendar to see that you have a date scheduled with Lyra Heartstrings. A quick glance at the clock shows you aren't late this time either. You think you might just maybe show up this time.

Maybe.

You walk back to your bed and lay down. "If I wake up in time."