What could be wrong? Why wouldn’t Spike tell her what was up?
Those questions and more blitzed through Sunset Shimmer’s mind as she ran behind Spike down sidewalks. She squinted her eyes from the glaring, practically trolling sun shining overhead–as if keeping up with a dog while depleted of stamina necessitated a tougher challenge.
“Hurry up, Sunset! They might be close to doing something crazy!”
“I’m trying, but humans…*pant*...only have two legs, remember? I’m…*pant*...getting tired as it is!”
“Sorry, but we just gotta get there before it's too late! We’re almost to the house, so hang in there a little longer!”
“If it’s so important…*pant*...can you at least tell me what’s…*pant*…wrong? The Twilights aren’t in trouble…*pant*...are they?”
“No, but I told you that you won’t believe me if I tell you!”
Sunset and Spike finally reached Twilight Sparkle’s house. A second Spike, the one whose true form is an Equestrian dragon, sat outside the closed front door. With sweat flowing down her forehead, Sunset leaned forward and laid her hands on her thighs, blowing more stamina-regaining pants. The fire-haired girl never claimed to be a marathon runner.
Dog Spike asked, “Are they still–”
“I can’t believe you could be so disrespectful!” a female voice yelled from inside the house.
“Me?! I can’t believe you could be so disrespectful! You’re a princess!” the same yet different voice yelled.
“If this is how you show respect to princesses–”
“Well, why should I show you respect if you refuse to show it in return?!”
“But at least…”
“That answer your question?” Equestrian Spike asked as the yelling from inside the house raged on.
With her energy partly recovered, Sunset straightened herself up and wiped her sweat-soaked forehead. “Okay, my fuel tank’s off ‘E’. Now can you two tell me–”
“Just go in and see for yourself.” Equestrian Spike stepped to the side, clearing a path to the front door.
Sunset opened the door and stepped inside the house, trailed by the Spikes. Inside its living room, Twilight Sparkle and Princess Twilight Sparkle stood face-to-face in front of a couch, shouting over each other. Princess Twilight held a book while the naturally human Twilight held a smartphone. A closed purple laptop rested on a table, almost as if it couldn’t bear watching the Twilight squared argument.
“Okay, what in Celestia’s name is going on here?!”
Princess Twilight turned to Sunset and said, “Sunset, maybe you can help settle our disagreement. Isn’t a book better boyfriend material than a ‘smokeplone’?”
“Ugh! For the fifth time, Cellford is a ‘smartphone’!” Human Twilight matched her Equestrian counterpart by turning toward her new guest. “But you’re right; Sunset can vouch for me when I say a smartphone outclasses a book! Books are more suitable as ‘friend’ material.”
Sunset’s mouth widened. Her turquoise pupils shrank to pinpricks. She audibly blinked twice, and blinked twice again. Then she blinked twice yet again. “What.”
Dog Spike said, “Told you that you’d have to see it to believe it.”
“And I’m sorry I thought you were exaggerating.” Sunset inhaled a sanity-maintaining breath. “Twilights, let me get this straight. A book and a smartphone are your ‘boyfriends’, and you’re arguing over which one is better? I know you love books and smartphones, but they are inanimate objects!”
“Yes, we know,” the royal Twilight answered as she nodded. “We were even worried you and our friends, save for maybe the Pinkies, might judge us for our…choice of boyfriends, so only the Spikes know about them.” She cradled “Bookhay” to her chest and added, “However, I won’t tolerate anypony–uh, anyone treating Bookhay as being inferior to something else!”
“And ditto for me about anyone or anypony treating Cellford that way!” Twilight delivered a big, drawn-out kiss to her phone, leaving a smear of lipstick on the phone’s screen. “He is the best boyfriend you can–”
*beep, beep, beep*
“Oh, one second. Cellford got a message.” Twilight wiped her lipstick off “Cellford’s” screen. She glanced at the newly cleaned screen and groaned. “Not another spam message!”
Princess Twilight laid a hand on her hip, a smirk curling on her lips. “Is there a problem with your ‘better’ boyfriend?”
“Uh, n-no! That wasn’t Cellford’s fault anyway, but I’m glad to hear you finally admit he’s better.”
“He is not!” the Princess shouted, her smirk sinking back to a heated frown. She lifted her hand off her hip and again cradled Bookhay to her with both arms. “Unlike your smartpoo, Boo–”
“Okay, you’re just being mean now! See what I–”
“Let her finish, Twilight with the glasses. The sooner I sort this out, the sooner my day can make sense again.”
“Thank you!” Princess Twilight raised her head in a pre-lecturing manner. “As I was saying, unlike that smartphoney, Bookhay is always quiet and gives me nothing short of his full attention. Can you ask for a more loyal and understanding boyfriend than that?”
“Fine, but Cellford more than compensates by not only having e-books, but having access to nearly any answer I could ask for thanks to the internet.” Twilight strolled through her phone, then flipped it around and raised it to face level. Multiple symbols of gaming apps, such as Group of Legends, showed on the phone’s screen. “He also has all sorts of games installed in him, so he has us covered whether I feel like reading or not.”
“Maybe so, but he would leave you if you ever fail to keep his battery charged.“ Princess Twilight flipped through the pages of her boyfriend. “Bookhay, on the other hoof, is self-sufficient and requires no power for me to read him.”
“Cellford can’t help that his battery must be recharged sometimes! Everyone has flaws!”
“This whole situation is flawed,” Sunset deadpanned as she rubbed her head.
“But Bookhay has no flaws! If that doesn’t prove he’s the best, I don’t know what can! Tell her, Sunset!”
“No, tell her that Cellford’s slight imperfection makes him that much better! There’s a reason why fictional characters are usually written to have flaws and why flawless Mary Sues and Marty Stus often annoy fans!”
Princess Twilight blew a dismissive huff. “Well, Bookhay is one ‘Marty Stu’ who is flawless in a good way! Perhaps your ‘Cellford’ truly can out-perform Bookhay in theory, but his unwanted beeps and rings have to make him annoying!”
Twilight’s eyes hardened in a scowl. “HEY! No one calls my boyfriend ‘annoying’ and gets away with it!” Twilight laid Cellford inside his case on her couch, then she went up to and shoved Princess Twilight in her chest. The latter growled, set down Bookhay on a table, and fired with a shove in her human self's chest. Both Twilights gritted their teeth, meekly leaned their heads away from each other, and waved a flurry of vertical, feeble slaps that the opposing girl’s slaps parried. Both mixed in grunts or moans as their war of woeful slaps, capable of provoking wet paper into facepalming, battled on.
Behold a contender for the title of world’s wimpiest fight.
“No, Twilights!” Equestrian Spike yelled. “You’re like twin sisters!”
“Sunset, do something before they hurt each other!” dog Spike pleaded.
“Please, they couldn’t hurt a fly with those slaps, but I’ll stop them.” Sunset stomped to the Twilights and pushed the fighters(?) apart. Holding them back with her arms outstretched, she ordered, “All right, you two, that’s enough! You would be called ‘out-of-character’ if this was part of a story!”
“I don’t care!” Princess Twilight declared as she held her glare on Twilight. ”She shoved me first, so I’m merely defending myself!”
“And I’m not done with her yet!” Twilight spat while mirroring the Princess’s glare with her own. “Cellford’s honor is at stake!”
“No! Look, you two are both Twilight Sparkles, right?”
“Yes?” both Twilights answered in unison.
“Now, I understand how the urge to pound someone into the ground feels. Even though I became way nicer after one of you bodied me with a friendship-powered rainbow, my temper still gets the better of me sometimes.” Sunset let the Twilights go. Wearing a smile emitting calmness and peace, she said, “But you are each Twilight Sparkle, who is supposed to be intelligent and level-headed. Is fighting – and I’m using the term ‘fighting’ loosely in your cases – like spoiled little girls/fillies the way the Princess of Friendship and future top scientist should act?”
Both Twilights hung their heads down. “No.”
“So how about you just agree that your respective, uh, ‘boyfriend’ is the best boyfriend in your eyes, no matter what others think?”
Princess Twilight lifted her head while wearing a truce-making smile. “That would be fair. I can accept being the only one to think Bookhay is the best boyfriend.”
Human Twilight copied her royal self’s head-lifting and smile-o-truce. “I think so too–about Sunset’s idea being fair that is. I’m sorry for pushing and trying to slap you earlier.”
“And I’m sorry for doing the same and for calling Cellford annoying the way I did. We were both acting silly.”
“Good. Now that you’ve made up, I’m going home to play some video games to clear my head. See you all later.” Sunset left the house and walked off down a sidewalk. She shook her head to no one in particular and mumbled, “I should have had Flash and Timber ask them out after all. How could they be that desperate for a boyfriend?”
After Sunset left, the Twilights and Spikes broke out in laughter. Both pairs high-fived/high-pawed their counterpart. Mission: successful.
“It worked!” Princess Twilight said in-between giggles. “She fell for it even harder than we hoped!”
“Hehe, and here I was worried us fighting over a book and smartphone would be too ridiculous to be marginally believable! You did a top-notch job at capitalizing on my unexpected spam message for an attack on ‘Cellford’.”
“Thanks, and you played off my improvisation perfectly. I might not have considered utilizing my exact words against me the way you did.”
“You both were great,” dog Spike said. “At one point, I almost thought you were really mad at each other.” He walked outside the front door. “Want me to sniff down Rainbow so she can see you ‘argue’ next?”
Equestrian Spike walked outside in turn. “I’m ready to take my position here.”
“Go ahead. We know books genuinely are superior to smartphones, hooves-down, but it’s fun to–”
“Uh, excuse me?” human Twilight asked, her smile sourly sinking.
“Oh, do humans say ‘hands-down’ instead?”
“No! That is, yes we do, but I was asking about you claiming books are better than smartphones.”
“Well, of course.” Princess Twilight gasped and pointed a finger toward Twilight. “Wait, you can’t actually believe smartphones are superior, because that’s absurd!”
“Uh-oh,” both Spikes said together.
“It is not absurd!” Twilight countered as she stomped a foot. “Sure, books are unequivocally awesome and I still remember my first one, but I was serious when I said smartphones have e-books! Owning a single smartphone can be akin to having hundreds if not thousands of books in your hands, and that’s only a small part of what they can do!”
“Okay, I’ll admit smartphones are a technological marvel I wish exist in Equestria, but they are far more fragile and thus less reliable long-term! I’ll prove it with an experiment!” Princess Twilight grabbed her book from the table, dropped it to the floor, and jumped on it with her full weight crashing down. And no, she wasn’t running a fever. “See? Even with my boots on, my jumps did next to nothing to my book, but a smartphone could break and be rendered nonfunctional by the same treatment! You are on your second smartphone, correct?”
“Fine, but no one would try to crush their own smartphone, and there are protective cases available for them anyway, such as the case I put mine in! Besides, I was just careless when I had my first one, but I learned my lesson.” Twilight picked up her phone from its case and shoved it near Princess Twilight’s face. “This is over a year and a half old, and still not a single scratch anywhere!” She pulled her phone back, grinning proudly. "Not even Fluttershy protects her smartphone from damage so faithfully."
“Then what about an issue faithfulness alone can’t solve: needing to charge its battery?”
“Ugh, not that argument again! Let me explain how…”
As the multiversal twins ignored how Sunset’s earlier advice could apply here and continued to bicker in earnest, the Spikes groaned. The things they put up with from their respective Twilight Sparkle, especially when they were bored.
Although, this was an opportunity for the two. When life throws you lemons, take advantage of them–they are free food.
“Wanna sneak off to Equestria for a while and have some fun?” Equestrian Spike asked.
“You bet! I’ve been dying to know how it feels to be a fire-breathing dragon.”
Author's Note
I'm in Sci-Twi's corner on this one. Smartphones>Books.
