I Taste Underwear

by Chuckward

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Random, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 1600

A realy angry guy goes to Equestria

Bob Jones meets a witch who promises to send him to Equestria.
Based on a true story.

Published 2012-10-07 10:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-07 10:30:01 UTC

Putting your hoof down?

Bob Jones was sitting in front of his laptop angrily staring at a blank screen. Thinking of another My Little Pony video to make. He was pretty well known on the internet at this point due to his retarded and irritating style of filming that people either loved or dispised. He had made maybe eight videos and one of them even made it to Trotcon, although he never got to attend so it wasn't that great, but it was still cool to know that his shitty trollvids were at least mildly appreciated. Still he didn't really give a rats ass about his viewer's opinions and honestly only made his movies for the sake of self-satisfaction, with generating hate being a wonderful side effect. Bob was well known for being a huge asshole and he had already accepted that he would be going to hell( after all you can't laugh your ass off at a video where the main character runs around shitting on harp seals and expect to get into heaven, especially not if you made it in the first place) but now he wanted to see if he could at least get a good seat, so he was trying to make some other mindless movie that only the stupidest of individuals would be able to enjoy, but he was having a rather difficult time doing so.

"God damnit, I can't think of anything anymore," he shouted before beating his head against the desk in front of him.

He began to think of ways to get inspired before eventually using his go to inspirer, music, after all, he had written a pretty popular story while listening to Slipknot, and if that could help him make a pony movie, anything could. Suddenly his eyes lit up, he turned toward the screen and opened up Google docs to begin his script.

"This will be absolutely perfect," he declared while typing in the title and beginning to brainstorm. Then he began to type.

_____________________________________________________________________________

What if Pinkie Pie was green?

It was a wonderful summer morning when...

______________________________________________________________________________

"Shit, nothing."

Bob closed his laptop, crumpled it up into a ball, and threw it into the wastebin with about forty other balled up laptops. Then he opened his desk drawer, pulled out another one, and turned it on.

Bob paused, and began to think.

"I've never experienced this kind of writer's block before, how do those people do it? Ah fuck it, I'll try again tomorrow."

He decided to keep surfing the web, after all, he did usually write movies at around three in the morning anyway, and it was only midnight, so his writer's block could clear up by then. He went onto Youtube and watched a couple Gamegrumps episodes, and then started surfing for My Little Pony. He had seen every episode except Putting Your Hoof Down despite the season being over already, so he searched that up and clicked on the first result.

Shit, he thought to himself,whoever uploads these in 420p needs to go die in a hole.

He went back to the search page and clicked on another video, this time making sure it was in HD.
He sat back in his computer chair and waited for it to buffer. But when the video finally loaded instead of colorful ponies appearing on the screen, Gruntilda from Banjo Kazooie popped up. Bob went back to the search results, believing this to be some sort of prank, but every video he went to only showed Gruntilda. Bob decided to actually watch the videos to see if he could figure out what was going on.

He stared at the screen, waiting.

Nothing happened for twenty whole minutes. It was just the same gif over and over. Gruntilda's head slowly rotating, but never saying a word.

Bob got sick of staring at the screen and grabbed his mouse, but the exact moment when he was about to close the window He noticed something, Gruntilda's head, was following his mouse. That was wierd, stuff like that never happens in Youtube videos.

He stared into her eyes and then she began to speak. Or at least she was making noises, but they were unintelligable. Then subtitles appeared at the bottom of the screen.

"Have you ever wanted to see, the real world of My Little Pony?"

Bob stared incredulously at Gruntilda before he realized something. The video was over, this wasn't a recorded message, Gruntilda the Witch was actually talking to him.

"What the fuck?"

"Never curse, do not swear. Or I'll make you eat your underwear."

Well that settled it. Bob had either gone crazy or This was the real Gruntilda. Well he might as well enjoy himself while his crazy hallucinations lasted.

"What were you saying before? You mentioned My Little Pony."

"I can open a portal rather fast, you simply must do what I ask."

"What do you want?"

"You've beaten me twice as bear and bird, now you must play through the third."

"You mean I have to play Banjo Kazooie Nuts&Bolts?"

Gruntilda simply nodded.

"I'd rather kill myself."

Bob picked up his laptop and prepared to crumpled it like so many others.

"Well then I guess you're out of luck, you'll never see Equestria."

Bob sighed.

"Fine."

So Bob put Nuts and Bolts in his Xbox and began to play through, all the while complaining about how terrible it was. After a few hours he beat the game and turned back to Gruntilda.

"There, I beat your awful game, now can I please go to Equestria?

"Now sir please remove that frown, all you must do is sit down."

Bob sat back down in his computer chair and Gruntilda disappeared. Putting Your Hoof Down began to play.
Bob got really angry.

"You fucking bitch," he yelled to no one in particular,"this is not what I meant when I said I wanted to see Equestria!"

Suddenly his laptop screen began to spark, and a giant cartoonish looking hand reached out of the screen and grabbed Bob, pulling him in. He was soon falling through a swirling blue vortex, or at least it felt like falling, Bob had no idea which way was up or down. After about five minutes the falling sensation stopped, and he saw a bright flash of light. He materialized in a grassy field, ten feet above the ground. Gravity is a heartless bitch.

When Bob landed he hit his head and slipped out of conciousness.

When he woke up he noticed two things.

One, he was definitely not in the grassy field anymore.

Two, he was surrounded by multicolored ponies.

"Why are there underpants in his mouth?"

I spit out the underwear.

I was surrounded by miniature multicolored equines, by jove that's the strangest occurance since the Gruntilda incident.

"Sup," I said worriedly.

Sensing the worry in my worried tone they got worried as to why I was worried, or at least that's the only explanation for what happened next.

Twilight Sparkle hopped on top of pop and began to viciously beat him to death.

"Goodness Twi-,"

Shit, I can't call them by their actual names, that would be suspicious, then I'd have to tell them that they're fictional characters in a show about ponies having adventures.

"Erm, purple guy, stop hopping on pop, and please don't beat him to death."

"I have to do this,"she replied,"pop is a wanted criminal in the gleebeck galaxy."

"Glenn Beck has his own galaxy?"

"Who the hell is Glenn beck?"

"He's a singer or something."

Unfortunately pop(or as he is actually called Dextro 7) used Twilight's destractedness to his advantage and punched her with enough force to send her flying around the world, coming to a stop on the other side of his fist.

"I have you now Twilight Sparkle, or should I say? Collin Mochreen!!!"

Pop pulled off Twilight's face revealing that she actually had eight praying mantis heads underneath. Then pop transformed back into Twilight Sparkle cause it was actually her in disguise.Her friends stared at her in astonishment.

"You mean pop was actually Twilight in disguise," asked Applejack.

"No," replied Twilight," the real pop is out there somewhere, laughing angrily as he sips an appletini."

I spit out the underpants.

Then the room began to spin, slowly at first, then it got faster and faster until we were spinning at the speed of light. The walls began to secrete Cornish Game Hens at an alarming rate, soon I would be nothing but a pile of green beans.
Thankfully we were spinning so fast that the Cornish Game Hens turned into velociraptors for obvious reasons. The velociraptors formed a pyramid so that a wormhole could open up and teleport out of the spinning library.

When we appeared on the other side of the wormhole there was nothing but juice, juice buildings, juice statues, and juice ponies. Applejack thankfully had Dorito rockets so the juice ponies didn't notice us. We took our new velociraptor army to Canterlot to confront Celestia. Thankfully Twilight remembered to turn off the stove this morning, so she was able to simply teleport us to The castle.

When we arrived Celestia was playing hopscotch with bunnies.

" Traitor," yelled Rarity as she charged Celestia. Celestia used her diaper beam to kill Rarity and then approached the mane six, handing each of them a bag of fermented beans.

"I understand now," said Twilight," I'm sorry for doubting you."

Unbeknownst to Fluttershy she was being chased by bears with shark heads.

This seems like a good place for a cliffhanger.