Rainbow Dash suppressed a sigh, her eyes fixed down into her lap. Her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton - vague and fuzzy noises filtered in from the outside world, almost unrecognizable. Somepony was talking. Somepony was laughing. A group, chattering happily, all around her. She didn’t really feel like joining them. Didn’t really feel like anything at all, really. She was just tired.
The chattering stopped. She noticed that. The silence it left. Her head was heavy, difficult to lift, but she managed to look up to see the group of gathered mares looking at her expectantly. Her mouth was dry, her drink untouched. “Huh?” Her voice croaked out, more scratchy and rough than usual.
Rarity’s eyes narrowed, slightly. Annoyed that she’d been ignored, probably. “I asked how your training was going,” she said. “None of us have seen you out practicing recently.”
“Oh,” Rainbow said. She shook her head. “It’s… fine.”
Applejack cocked her head to the side. “Fine?” She echoed. “Not ‘amazing’ or ‘awesome’? Who are you and what have you done with Rainbow Dash?” She asked jokingly, earning a small chuckle around the table.
Rainbow didn’t laugh. “I don’t know,” she muttered under her breath before she could catch herself. She winced and coughed, hoping nopony had heard her. She puffed out her chest slightly, and her usual bravado felt like an ill-fitting mask as she said “I’ve got ponies lining up for autographs as usual - you know how it is.”
“Rainbow Dash?” Fluttershy asked quietly from her right, and Rainbow forced herself to smile as she turned to her oldest friend. “Are you okay?”
No. “Yeah, just a little tired. Why wouldn’t I be,‘Shy?”
“If you’re sure,” she said. “You’ve seemed kind of strange recently.”
“I think you mean awesome,” Rainbow corrected with a painfully forced chuckle.
“You haven’t touched your sandwich,” Pinkie noted.
Rainbow looked down at her plate and the offending slices of bread. She shrugged. “Eh, I’m not that hungry. Had a big breakfast this morning. You can have it, if you want.”
Usually, Pinkie was on leftovers in a heartbeat, this time, she just quirked her head to the side. “Are you sure?”
Waving a hoof dismissively, Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure. You kinda ambushed me for this gettogether right after I finished eating.”
“We apologize for the abruptness, dear,” Rarity said. “It’s just that you’ve had to cancel the last few meetups for work. So when we heard from Flitter that you had the day off, we wanted to take advantage of it.”
Flitter. Of course it was Flitter. “Heh, yeah, work’s been crazy recently.” Rainbow reached up to scratch the back of her neck. “Lotta clouds rolling in from the Everfree this time of year. Gotta keep ‘em in check or they’ll cause a real mess. Been pretty tired because of it.”
“And y’all’re sure you’re okay?” Applejack asked.
Rainbow felt her muscles tense slightly. “I’m fine, AJ. Just tired.”
“If’n ya say so,” Applejack conceded, accepting the answer. And why wouldn’t she? She was the Element of Honesty, and Rainbow was telling the truth.
She was tired. Tired of these questions, tired of-
“Scootaloo hasn’t seen you in-”
“What is this, twenty questions!?” Rainbow shouted suddenly, slamming her hoof down on the table as her wings snapped open. “Some kinda interrogation? Why do I have to answer for every second of my day? I’ve been busy at work, and I’ve been tired, so I’ve been napping. The hell else do you want from me!?”
The outburst left the group in silence, and Rainbow cursed herself under her breath. “Sorry, sorry,” she said, tucking her wings back against her sides. “I’m just tired, and I guess a little grumpy.”
“A little?” Pinkie asked.
Rainbow glared at her. She didn’t mean to, but she did. “Okay, fine, a lot.”
“Have you not been sleeping well?” Rarity asked.
Rainbow’s teeth ground together. “I’m fine, just tired,” she repeated. “I’m… I’m gonna go find someplace to nap, okay? Sorry for snapping,” she said, her chair squeaking as she stood up. She was stopped as something pulled on her tail, and she whirled around to chew out whoever it was, only to find not a pony, but rather a sparkling magenta aura around her tail. She looked back to its source - a similar glow around Twilight Sparkle’s horn. Their eyes met, and Rainbow could see the silent question lingering behind her violet irises.
“I’m. Fine,” she growled lowly, grabbing her tail with her teeth and yanking it out of the unicorn’s grasp. “Just tired. I’ll see you all later.”
A cheerful jingle announced her departure as the bell above the door was shaken, and she slammed it shut behind her as she took off into the sky.
She cursed Flitter for ratting out her day off. Cursed her friends for trying to stage some kind of intervention, or whatever that was supposed to be.
Cursed herself for making them worry.
She was fine. Just…
She was just tired.
So very tired.
She didn’t bother using the door, instead opting to fly right into her bedroom window, crash-landing directly on her bed with a soft bounce. Clouds were the best places to nap, and she was so tired, she felt like the second her head hit the pillow, she’d drift off to sleep.
Maybe she’d be a little less tired when she woke up.
If she woke up, anyway.
She recognized that thought, and frowned, her eyes pinched shut. She wasn’t supposed to think things like that. Normal ponies didn’t think things like that, or at least if they did, it scared them.
It didn’t really scare her.
“Shut up,” she growled, flipping onto her back and staring up at the blank white cloud ceiling.
Being unable to sleep was another unfortunately familiar sensation. Long nights spent staring at nothing were an old friend, but she didn’t much feel like getting out of bed, either. Instead she just lay there, bored and lost in thought.
Until she heard a noise she was dreading. A faint magical popping noise, right outside her door.
“Rainbow?”
She groaned as Twilight’s voice drifted in through her window, and she pressed her head back into her pillow. Maybe, if she stayed quiet, the unicorn would assume she was asleep.
“You can’t sleep, can you?”
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. How would she know?
“You’re so tired, all you want to do is sleep, but you just lay there counting the minutes, right? And sometimes you think about getting out of bed and doing something else, but the thought of doing anything just makes you more tired.”
Eyes wide, Rainbow sat up in bed, looking towards her window. Did Twilight… too…?
“Please talk to me.”
Rainbow licked her lips and found them painfully dry. “D-door’s open,” she said, quietly. So quiet she wasn’t sure if she’d been heard, but a moment later she heard her door open, and a set of hooves was climbing the stairs.
Then she appeared in the doorway, a small smile on her face. “Hi,” she breathed.
Rainbow swallowed nervously. “D-do you…?” She trailed off, but her question was obvious, and Twilight sighed. Instead of answering, she trotted over and glanced at the bed, then back to Rainbow, silently asking permission.
Rainbow shifted, and nodded, and Twilight sat down on the bed next to her. Their sides pressed together gently as the mattress depressed under their weight, forcing them closer together.
“Sometimes…” Twilight started, but paused, and had to take a deep breath. “Sometimes it feels like I’m so tired I can’t even keep my eyes open, but I still can’t sleep. Reading is… exhausting. Everything is exhausting. Everything that I’m supposed to love or enjoy just seems so… boring, and tiring, and I just feel… numb.”
Numb… that was a good word for it.
Rainbow found herself staring at the mare next to her, Twilight’s eyes seemed to shimmer distantly.
“I’m tired,” Rainbow said slowly. “I’m tired of everything. Tired of being awake, tired of being asleep, tired of my flight practice and my pranks and tired of reading Daring Do. I-I’m… I’m t-tired of… of…” she stuttered and struggled as a thought she’d felt so often was forced into words.
Twilight remained quiet, waiting patiently.
“Sometimes,” Rainbow said, and she felt herself swallow a lump that hit her stomach like a bowling ball and stayed there. “Sometimes I just get tired of being alive.”
She winced, bracing for Twilight’s reaction. Anger, maybe, at having such a thought. Maybe she’d be disappointed, or offended.
Instead, very gently, Twilight reached out and put a hoof around Rainbow’s shoulders, drawing her into a hug.
“Sometimes,” Twilight whispered gently in her ear, “When I do finally fall asleep, I wonder if it would be better to just not wake up.”
Rainbow Dash felt her heart throb, and it felt like something inside her shattered. “I-...” she croaked out, but her voice broke, and nothing more came, until Twilight squeezed her a little tighter, and like forcing the water out of a sponge tears poured down Rainbow's cheeks as she took a shuddering breath.
Then she buried her face in Twilight’s chest and sobbed.
Twilight just held her tightly, letting her cry as much as she needed, even as a few empathetic tears leaked from her own eyes. She felt her chest quickly become damp, but she wasn’t particularly concerned with that. Her hooves rubbed in small circles over Rainbow’s back
Slowly, very slowly, Rainbow calmed, even as her breath still came in fitful hitches and sniffles, the warmth of the mare holding her seemed to drive away the numbness that had taken over her. Eventually, she pulled back just enough to look up and see Twilight’s face. “D-does it ever go away?”
Twilight smiled sadly at her. “Not entirely,” she said. “But it can get better. You can find ways to manage it. Make it easier to deal with, so that it happens less often, or doesn’t last as long.”
“How?”
“Talking about it is a good start.”
Rainbow nodded, slowly. “Twi?”
“Hmmm?”
Her cheeks flushed slightly as she asked, “C-can you, um... can you h-hold me for a little longer?”
Twilight chuckled quietly, once more drawing Rainbow tight against her chest. “For as long as you want.”
Though her face burned with shame and embarrassment, Rainbow felt herself smile into the damp purple fur, as her heart beat gradually slowed with her breathing. Before too long, soft snores slipped past her lips, and Twilight smiled as she held her sleeping friend.
Author's Note
Yeah, this has been done before, but sometimes you just need to vent a bit.
