“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!”
Fluttershy woke in a fright, sweat pouring down her forehead, her chest heaving for air. Quickly looking around her small, quaint room, the mare realized she was awake. That the nightmare was over.
For several long minutes, Fluttershy simply shivered and sobbed into her pillow, her wings clamped around her head, as if dulling her hearing would make the horrible thoughts get out of her mind. It took even longer for her to calm down, for her breathing to even out, and eventually stop trembling violently like a paper bag in a gust of wind.
Sniffling and wiping the tears from her eyes, Fluttershy slowly sat up on the bed, checking the time. It was nearly five am, but she knew after a dream like that she wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again.
Not that she wanted to chance it anyways.
Breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth, the pegasus slowly slipped from her covers, walking to the bathroom. She supposed now was as good a time as any to get ready for the day. Carefully grabbing her toothbrush, Fluttershy did her best to ignore her reflection, brushing her teeth with utmost care. The action served to help soothe her anxiety, if just a little. It allowed her to try and forget what she saw, what she… did.
Clenching her eyes shut, she grimaced at the memory, a cold sensation growing in her chest. No, no, she didn’t want to think about it. Didn’t want to recall the awful, horrible images that her mind used to torment her.
No. She would forget about it and move on. It wasn’t real, what happened there wasn’t real.
Although that didn’t comfort her about the very real things she had done, that she was guilty of.
Spitting out her toothbrush, Fluttershy went through the effort of brushing her mane, her eyes trained on her silky pink hair, desperately trying not to gaze into the eyes reflecting back at her. She didn’t want to remember, but regardless of how hard she tried, it always reared its ugly head.
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and trotted out of the bathroom, doing her best not to wake the animals snoozing in her cottage. Despite the company and the knowledge that they loved her, they couldn’t help but be a bitter reminder to the pegasus.
She shoved that thought aside. Not now, she had to be strong now. She had little ones to take care of, and see to it that their injuries and ailments were coming along nicely. She had no time to pity herself, especially when she didn’t deserve it.
Entering the kitchen, she got busy preparing the breakfast the critters would have for the morning. Salad for Angel Bunny, fresh fruits and vegetables for Harry, the mice family, and the raccoons living in the stump outside. Bird seed, pre-prepared tuna for the birds of prey, worms for the hatchlings, and store-bought crickets for Fuzzy Legs.
She went through the process quickly and easily, a bit too much for her liking. Before she knew it, she was already finished and ready for the animals to wake up. That left her with little to do before the sun rose, and plenty of time to think about her nightmare…
No, there was certainly something else she could do to keep her mind busy. Perhaps read a book, or go collect more food from the fields beside her cottage.
Oh, who was she kidding? She knew this wouldn’t get off her mind for the rest of the morning, and no doubt the afternoon. What she needed right now was a friend, someone who would listen without judging her.
But… out of all her friends who knew her, she could only imagine what they would say after listening to her troubles.
“Darling, that is absolutely repulsive! How could you do such a thing!?”
“Fluttershy… do you still have these… urges?”
“Shy… please tell me you’re joking…”
“Sugarcube… Ah don’t know if ah can even... trust you anymore.”
“Oh boy… um, I’m sorry Fluttershy, I don’t know if… I can see you right now.”
The very thought made tears prick at the corners of her eyes. No, she couldn’t burden any of her friends with the knowledge of what she had done. They would never be able to look at her the same way, never be able to trust her alone ever again.
Choking back a sob, she rubbed at her face, trying desperately not to cry. She didn’t want any of her animal friends to wake up and worry about her.
“Well hello there Fluttershy! A bit early to be getting ready for the day, don’t you think?”
“EEEEEP!!” Fluttershy jumped into the air, clinging to a lantern hung from her ceiling. It took her several seconds to realize who the voice belonged to, and in an instant she felt her heart begin to take its natural rhythm.
“D-Discord… y-you scared me!” She managed to get out, her teeth chattering as if she had been stuck in a snowstorm, “Please d-don’t do that again…”
“Sorry my dear, I didn’t expect you to be awake. I was just grabbing something I forgot from our last tea party. I didn’t want to wake you up and bother you, but it seems you were already up!” Stepping over to the couch in the living room, he stuck his claw into the cushions. Digging around, with several honking and crashing sounds, he fished out a large monocle, placing it on his left eye. “There we are, I thought I lost this!”
“O-Oh, that’s all…” Focusing on her breathing, she managed to somewhat tame her anxiety, trying to ignore how much she had been stuttering. “Is that all? Well, I suppose that’s okay…”
“Hmmmmm….” Discord squinted his eyes, towering over the small pegasus as he loomed forward. One of his mismatched eyes bulged from its socket, studying her closely. Fluttershy couldn’t help but wince and draw back, afraid of just how perceptive he could be, when he tried. He always seemed to pick up on whatever she was worrying about, and this was one of the few times she didn’t want anypony prying.
“Fluttershy, are you quite alright? It looks as if you've been sweating.” He pressed a palm against her forehead, his horns turning red at the tips before exploding like a thermometer. “Oh my, you may have a fever! Don’t worry, I have plenty of cures to mend your ailments.”
Ripping open a patch of fur on his chest, he offered several strange and different-looking bottles, each filled with even stranger capsules. She was pretty sure one of them was an eyeball that blinked at her.
“I-I, um, no Discord, but thank you.” Fluttershy waved a hoof, giving the draconequus her best smile. “I just thought I w-would wake up early and tend to the house, makes the morning less of a h-hassle, you know…?” Even she knew it was a pitiful excuse, she was usually too exhausted by the end of the day and slept through till the early morning.
Discord blinked several times before closing the patch of fur, his face not giving anything away. After several seconds he grinned, and she felt a small bit of relief. Perhaps he had bought it…
“Oh my dear Fluttershy, why didn’t you just ask? I can always start things up for you in the morning, why didn’t I think of it myself?!” He grinned to himself, looking positively giddy, “I know just what to do as well! Fluttershy, could you perhaps tell me if Harry likes his beehives with or without bees?”
Fluttershy bit her lip and rapidly shook her head, terrified by the very thought. She knew that he wouldn’t hurt her animals, at least not intentionally, but the thought of terrorizing them with his special brand of ‘care’ did not bode well.
“No, no no, I can handle it by myself! B-But thank you Discord, it’s very kind…” She gently rubbed his side, “I wouldn’t have become Ponyville’s animal caretaker if I didn’t think I could handle the job.”
Discord pshed, waving his claw in the air, “Oh yes, I suppose that’s true, but if you ever need a helping claw or paw, you know who to go to.”
“Thank you Discord, that’s very sweet…”
In a flash, the pair were seated on the couch, both holding steaming cups of tea. Fluttershy could instantly tell from the sweet aroma it was her favorite tea, a brand from Trottingham, Ponish Rose. Breathing in the steam, she let out a soft sigh. Discord was already helping himself to a sandwich, filled with mustard, cucumber, egg and cress on whole wheat. Fluttershy took one of the sandwiches, unsure of how she felt about the eggs.
True, cake did require eggs, and she couldn’t count how many times she had enjoyed one of Pinkie’s delicious treats, but for some reason it didn’t quite feel right. Sliding the egg out of the sandwich, she enjoyed the cucumber and cress, letting out a pleased murmur.
“This is lovely, thank you for treating me to breakfast.” She looked up, offering Discord a small smile. She wasn’t sure if she would have eaten otherwise…
“Don’t think anything of it.” Discord returned her smile, his voice strangely soft and gentle. There were very few times he ever spoke like that, and only ever to her. A small blush rose to her cheeks, instinctively hiding her face behind her mane.
Busying herself with her sandwich, she took another small bite, allowing the flavors to spread over her tongue. The tanginess and sweetness of the mustard offset the spicy, peppery flavor of the cress. Grabbing a napkin, she dabbed delicately at her lips, before carefully taking the cup of tea in her hooves once more.
The sweet, warm liquid filled her with a comforting heat, and now that she had eaten she felt quite more at ease. Maybe she would be able to forget her dream, and just spend a nice day with one of her friends.
“So, what was that nightmare all about?”
Fluttershy choked, caught halfway between swallowing her tea and having it shoot out her nose. Gagging and hacking, she managed to swallow the rest and quickly blew her nose, wincing at the overpowering scent of roses in her nostrils.
“Wh-Whatever d-do you mean, Discord?” Her smile was much weaker now, the warmth in her tummy turning to ice in a split second.
A small smirk rose to his lips, “Honestly Fluttershy, you should be aware of this by now. Luna isn’t the only one who can walk dreams, although I find it particularly boring. You ponies rarely have anything interesting to imagine up, although I suppose some colts might need to have a good talk with their mothers…”
Fluttershy was too distracted by this revelation to think about his strange quip, her hooves trembling as she set the teacup back down. She had never imagined in a thousand years that anypony would figure it out, but she should have known Discord would. He was smart, and more importantly, the Spirit of Chaos. It was literally just a snap of his claw away.
“Y-You… I…” She struggled for words, curling into herself as if it would make the conversation go away. Discord, for his part, didn’t seem bothered at all. Leaning down, he gently began to pet Fluttershy’s mane, attempting to soothe her overwhelming anxiety.
“Sshhhh, calm down now my dear friend, do you think I would judge you? Out of all creatures?” A snaggle-toothed smile greeted her eyes when she finally cleared them of tears, the tension in her withers easing a tad. “Really, I’d think you know me better by now.”
“I-I…” She sniffled, trying to regain control of her voice, “I-I’m sorry…”
“Now now, no need to apologize. It was only a dream after all.”
Those words made her wince, and Discord took note of it immediately. Fluttershy knew there was no getting out of it now, he would pester her all day until she finally spilled her guts. Trembling, she looked up at Discord, biting her lip.
“Fluttershy…”
“D-Discord, I-I…” She closed her eyes, trying not to cry or continue stuttering. “I did something… awful. J-Just… awful.”
He raised a bushy eyebrow, scooting closer to her on the couch. She automatically wrapped her hooves around his lanky body, burying her face into his short fur.
“It’s alright now… just… tell me what’s going on, okay?” His voice was that same, soft tone, encouraging her to continue. If any other pony had seen this, they would think Discord had been replaced with a changeling.
Taking deep breaths, she let out a distraught whimper. His continued petting helped soothe her, if only a little.
“I did something really bad… w-when I was a filly.”
“We all do things we regret when we are young…”
“N-No. D-Discord, I… I did something awful. Unforgivable. I-If my friends knew, they’d absolutely hate me. They’d never want to see me again…”
There was a long pause, long enough that she turned to see what his reaction was. His face was the same, a comforting smile on his lips, but his mismatched eyes were thoughtful, considering what she said. Catching her gaze, he gave her a soft nod, encouraging her to go on.
“I…” She glanced around, making sure all of the critters were still asleep. She didn’t want them to hear this… even though they probably deserved to.
“Yes? … You know, I won’t push or blame you if you don’t want to talk about it…” He murmured.
“I… t-think I need to…” Fluttershy sniffled, wiping her eyes. “It’s just… please don’t tell any of my friends. Or my animal friends…”
“You have my word.” Discord grinned, zipping his mouth for emphasis. She couldn’t help but smile back at him, if weakly.
She didn’t know where to start… there was no real easy way of speaking of this, or admitting to it. She hoped Discord was true to his word, and if he didn’t want to be friends anymore… he could at least keep her secret.
“O-Okay…”
“I… w-when I was a filly, a lot of ponies… picked on me. This was before f-flight camp, before I met Rainbow…” A brief smile rose to her lips before quickly vanishing, “I… didn’t have any friends, not any real ones anyways. M-My mom always tried to introduce me to her friend’s foals, b-but I could barely get out a word, and nopony wanted to play with somepony who was too scared to fly…”
“W-When I started Kindergarten, t-the bullying started…” Fluttershy shook, causing Discord to frown. “I… I know I should have just stood up for myself… or t-told an adult, but…”
“I-I was too scared to! The teachers… they didn’t like me either… I took too long to catch up with my peers, th-they wanted to put me in a special class for slow fliers. M-My parents politely declined, they said I’d catch up in no time… b-but they were wrong. I was held back a few grades because of that… a-and my scores.”
“It was so hard to focus on anything but the ponies around me, who teased and picked on me. A-All I could think about was the next time they would call me names, shove me around… s-sometimes t-they’d…”
She paused, hiccuping as she held back another sob. Discord did his best to wipe away her tears, attempting to give her an encouraging smile.
“Go ahead dear, I’m listening.”
“I-I…” She took several deep breaths, “I’d be in the p-playground trying to hide from my classmates, a-and two colts would play a game of finding me, and… t-they’d grab me, lift me into the a-air and dangle me… t-there were no clouds, n-nothing to stop my fall…” She could feel Discord’s arms tighten as she spoke, “I-I’d kick and scream a-and cry… b-but they’d just laugh and call me names…”
“Sometimes… sometimes they would hold me down, and c-call me useless, that my wings didn’t belong to me… t-that I should have been an earth pony…” She sniffled, “T-They called me… S-Shydive…”
Discord cocked a brow, “Why is that?”
Fluttershy grimaced, recalling the awful memories, “T-They said if there wasn’t a cloud u-under me… I-I’d be like a pony without a parachute… a-and end up like a smear on the ground…”
“You know that’s not true…”
“I-I know it now, but when I was a filly… the thought terrified me even more! I couldn’t even look over the edge of a cloud before getting dizzy and sick to my stomach… my head would go light, a-and spots would fill my vision…”
It felt as if she were reliving that very moment, her breath suddenly coming faster, her heart pounding in her chest. In that brief period, she couldn’t think, could barely breathe, it took Discord gently shaking her and calling her name to bring her out of the panic.
“Now now, I’m here, we’re on the ground, it’s okay…” He wrapped his arms around her, pressing the pegasus against his chest, slowly rocking back and forth. It took several minutes, but she finally snapped out of it. Offering the cup of tea to her, she took it and greedily gulped it down, glad to have some sensation ground her in the present.
“I-I’m sorry… I-I know this is a lot…”
“It’s fine dear, please go on, if you can.”
Hesitating for a brief second, she nodded, gathering her thoughts, “There was only one pony at the school who was nice to me… Nurse Cirrus Vertebratus, b-but she let me call her Cirry… I think she was only nice to me because all the others picked on me, b-but she always helped me with my cuts and bruises…”
“One day she brought me a present, w-with my parent’s permission of course… she brought me a pet to take care of.” She bit her lip, remembering the creature’s eyes. So full of innocence and trust, looking toward her for affection. She had loved petting its soft white fur, reminding her so much of the safety of clouds. She had thanked Cirry over and over, promising she would take good care of it.
“I… I loved it… and for a time I was happy. I took care of it, watered it, fed it, played with it…” She sniffled. This was going to be the hardest part. This was when Discord would pull away, and see her for the monster she really was.
“School…. S-School got worse though… A new teacher was transferred in, and she was much worse than the others. She yelled and screamed at me, shoved me off of clouds to try and make me f-fly…” Tears sprung to her eyes, “I… I just couldn’t take it! I-I was everypony’s punch bag, and I couldn’t even tell anypony!”
“And– and I…” She choked, tears coming unbidden now, and she did not try to stem the flow, “I took it out on MY PET! I… I hurt it, Discord! I… I don’t know why, I just did! I don’t have any excuses, b-but when I… when I hurt my pet, it m-made me feel…”
“Bigger?” Discord’s calm voice cut through. Finally daring to look up at the draconequus, she wiped the tears away, trying to see his face. His expression was strangely gentle, “Stronger? In control of your life, for once?”
Fluttershy trembled violently, anxious energy overwhelming her body. Deep, unrelenting sobs left her as she clung to him. All she could do was nod, too ashamed to say the word out loud.
For what felt like an hour, Discord simply held her, allowing her to cry into his fur, hushing her as he combed a claw through her mane. When there were finally no more tears to shed, she simply laid against him, twitching occasionally.
Once he thought she would be capable of speaking again, he spoke softly, “How… did you hurt it, Fluttershy?”
She sniffled, not responding for some time, before eventually pulling her head away. Her face was a puffy mess, her eyes bloodshot, her mane in disarray. When she finally trusted herself not to go into hysterics again, she spoke.
“I… s-smacked it. S-Sometimes I… p-put it in my closet, w-when it did something bad…” She hated every word that came out of her mouth, and the more she spoke, the feeling of revulsion grew. “I… never let my p-parents find out… w-when I finally earned my cutie-mark, th-they were so proud of me… th-they said… Cirry had helped me find m-my talent!”
“T-They didn’t know I didn't deserve this mark! Wh-What I did… I regret it every day! Every time I look into my animal friend's eyes, I-I see my old pet, and what I could do to them…” She shook again, and Discord slowly rubbed her back.
As he did, she realized she was whispering something under her breath. Craning his neck, he just managed to hear, “I’m… I’m so sorry Angel…”
He couldn’t help but ask, “Was it–”
“No.” Fluttershy said immediately, “Not… not Angel Bunny… I… I could never…”
“Shhhh, calm down, it’s okay…”
“I-IT’S NOT OKAY! I-I… I hurt it! I hurt my little Angel! One day I came home from school and I was so sad, so angry… I… I hit her! I hit her and her eyes…” She seemed to shrink into herself, “O-One of her eyes, h-her pupils… w-was smaller than the other…”
“I didn’t know then, b-but it’s called Anisocoria… t-trauma to the head or eye c-can cause it… a-and it can be life-threatening… I didn’t know then, I didn’t know… so I didn’t take her to a vet. But I felt terrible, and I cradled Angel to sleep the entire night…”
“Angel… t-turned out to be okay. But… I-I couldn’t keep taking care of her. I-I didn’t want to tell my parents, or Nurse Cirry what I had done… s-so I told her… Angel ran away…”
“I… dropped them off somewhere… a-a pet shelter, w-where Angel would be taken care of…” Fluttershy looked down at her hooves, “I couldn’t… I couldn’t keep looking at an innocent creature that I had… abused… so badly…”
“Fluttershy…”
“I-I know you hate me… i-it’s okay, I… I deserve it…”
“No, no, dear I could never hate you.”
“B-But you…. You should.”
“Psh… Fluttershy, you really should know me better. I’d never turn my back on you…”
Sniffling, she tentatively pulled back her curtain of hair and gazed up at him, still visibly trembling. “B-But… why? I-I… I don’t deserve…”
“Such kindness?” He grinned, tussling her mane. Caught off guard, the pegasus did her best to fix her bird’s nest of a mane, glancing up at him. “Fluttershy, really… even I can see that this is tearing you up inside. You feel horrible for what you did, and I’m sure if you could find your pet now, they’d forgive you…”
“Angel died… a few years ago…” She murmured. Discord instantly closed his mouth.
“I… I got a call… A-Angel stayed at the shelter, as an ambassador animal. Angel was so great with the foals, b-but age eventually took them. I… n-never saw them again.” A single tear went down her cheek. “I… I couldn’t go see them… I couldn’t… bare to look into their eyes. I'm... a coward.”
There was a long pause, the two creatures sitting in silence, each thinking very deeply. After a moment, Discord snapped his fingers, a little white bundle sitting in her lap. For a second, Fluttershy’s breath caught in her throat.
“Calm down, it’s Angel Bunny.” Discord gently corrected her, “I would never put you through something so… heinous.”
“T-Thank you…”
“Of course my dear. But I want you to do something for me.”
“O… Okay…?” She replied hesitantly.
“Look at him.”
Fluttershy raised her brows and did as requested, gazing down at her pet rabbit. Some days she didn’t want to call him her pet, considering what she had done to her first… but that was undeniably what he was. And he was so loyal, too. He might have had an abrasive attitude, but he never left her side, no matter how scared or miserable she was. She didn’t deserve him, not even one bit.
“Do you see what I see?”
“U-Umm… he’s… sleeping?”
He rolled his eyes, “Yes, but other than that. Look more closely.”
Turning her eyes back to the rabbit in her lap, she stared at his resting, peaceful face. It didn’t seem as if the teleportation had bothered him at all, and neither did Fluttershy’s breathing disturb him either. She had often woken up with Angel Bunny asleep on her chest, especially after tough days where her anxiety was tested far more than usual. He always managed to comfort her… even if she didn’t deserve it.
“I see an animal that trusts you completely, who knows you will never harm it, ever.” Discord spoke, cutting through the silence. “I see something looking for you to care for it, and trusting that you will do so, knowing that you will.”
“I see a mare so chained down by her own mistakes, her pain, her suffering, that she cannot admit it was a mistake. A terrible, horrible mistake, but a mistake nonetheless. You can’t keep torturing yourself over this, my dear. You are not a monster, nor were you ever… aside from the Flutterbat incident.” He gave her a playful wink.
“You were a filly, who was confused, hurt, and knew nothing but misery. Too frightened to speak up, too meek to fight back, so yes, you took it out on something that couldn’t hurt you back.”
“But the keyword here is filly, Fluttershy. You were a child, you didn’t know any better.” He held a paw up at her inevitable denial. “No. You made a mistake. Children make mistakes, keep secrets, and do awful things they regret later. I have done… many things, many grave errors in my time… but I know one of them couldn’t ever be meeting you.”
He clasped her hooves in his mismatched limbs, looking the pegasus directly in the eyes. “Angel Bunny has faith in you… I have faith in you. Your friends have faith in you. For all the time I have known you, you have only been compassionate, patient, open-minded, and incredibly selfless. You’ll sacrifice your own well-being for your animals! Now that you’ve told me this, I think I understand a little more…”
For the first time, Fluttershy managed not to wince at the reminder, only a soft pang in her chest.
“I know that you feel like you deserve to suffer, that your pain is nothing in comparison to what you have wrought, but there is only one creature left here that can forgive you, Fluttershy. And I think you know who.”
The very thought scared her. How could she forgive herself? How could she just… let go of something that she had been carrying for such a long time?
Discord seemed to recognize this in her eyes, “I can’t tell you it will be easy. It will be hard, very hard… but by telling me, you’re one step closer. And I, for one, think that’s incredibly brave.”
A brief blush rose to her cheeks, bashfully looking away. Luckily none of the animals had awoken. For some reason she had an inkling Discord had a paw in it.
“Fluttershy… thank you for telling me this. I promise I will keep it a secret…” His smile was soft, gently turning her head back to face him with a claw. “But… maybe you should tell your friends. Before you begin to protest– you told me, Discord, Lord of Chaos. If I can forgive you, don’t you think your friends can too? Don’t you think that they deserve to know, that maybe they can help you?”
“I…” She bit her lip, “I… don’t know. I’ve been so scared to even think about it…”
“I know. But the more creatures you tell, the easier it will become. I won’t say that every creature will understand, or forgive you, but it’s better than stewing with it for the rest of your life, isn’t it?” Discord offered her another drink of tea, which she politely took, feeling as if she had cried every drop of water from her body and then some.
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re safe… and don’t think for a second that you deserve to be hurt, Fluttershy. Two rights don’t make a left, or so I’ve been told.”
A small giggle left her mouth, and for the first time that morning, she felt… light. Her troubles weren’t completely gone, they were still very much there, but she felt as if she could breathe for the first time in ages.
Maybe this was what it felt like to not feel guilty all the time?
“Come now my dear, you look absolutely starved.” He offered her another sandwich, sans egg. “You need to eat if you want to take care of yourself, never mind anything else.”
Reaching out a trembling hoof, she took the sandwich, taking a bite. Maybe… maybe things could be okay. Maybe… she’d be okay.
“Discord?”
“Yes my dear?”
“Would you… w-would you come with me…? If I told my friends?”
“Of course my dear Fluttershy, whatever are friends for?”
Author's Note
Hope it wasn't too dark. Hope you enjoyed it.
