Put on the GOOD Shit, Sister!

by Captain Neckbeard

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Changelings, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia
Length: 1014

What would a princess do in the case of a(nother) changeling invasion?

What would a princess do in the case of a(nother) changeling invasion?

An entry in the Thousand Words contest, under the /schizo/ category.

UPDATE: Profanity no longer censored in the title

Published 2023-06-04 17:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-04 17:40:01 UTC

Protocol K.I.N.O.*

Protocol K.I.N.O.*

A shitty day dawned on Equestria.

In her castle, Princess Luna was having some tea with one of the Canterlot noblestallions. It was just protocol, really, but it wasn't as bad as she expected.

"Why, Lord Bleeding," she started "You are much more agreeable than most of the fops from the capital. We are most honored by your presence."

Lord Bleeding took a sip from his cup, and answered:

"Thank you, Your highness. I must say, being your guest is...

But he couldn't finish his sentence, as a changeling appeared behind him, and started munching on his head. Lord Bleeding slowly collapsed among screams of agony, bleeding out, as Luna hesitated to shot, fearing she might hit the stallion instead.

"OH MY GOODNESS!" Luna bellowed. "DEFCOLT 1! DEFCOLT 1!"

Luna grabbed a slice of toast in her mouth, as she didn't have anymore time to eat it, and galloped to her emergency changeling room. There, she spitted out the toast, and fired up her communication gem.

A visage of Celestia's chambers appeared, but there was no sight of her sister. Instead, a maiden came into view.

"Quick! I need to speak to my sister, fast!"

"Oh, I am so sorry, Princess, but Her Highness is in the shower, and I really wouldn't want to interrupt!" said the maiden sheepishly.

"But this is an emergency! There is no time! You must contact her NOW!"

"In that case, I can try. What should I-AAAAAIIIIIAAAAGHHHHH!!!!"

The poor maiden was cut short by a changeling jumping on her, and tearing out her throat. Luna could hear the death throes before she cut the transmission.

"By the ancients, this is just like last time! During the wedding of the little pink whore! I must go to Canterlot at once!"

But before that, Luna pushed a button on the wall, and the machinery of the room (it was Rarity's design) put on her clown outfit. Luna stared into the mirror on the wall.

"No, that's not it. I need my "saving Equestria" outfit!"

Luna pushed the button again, and she was changed into her Gala gown. Then came another try, and her "Slayer Moon" cosplay appeared on her.

"NO!"

One final button push, and she was changed back into her usual regalia.

"Ah, perfect! Ready to go!" she thought out loud, and left.

Luna took flight, and began towards Canterlot, but it quickly came to her mind she can actually teleport, and did so.

With a loud "Pop!", Princess Luna appeared on Celestia's balcony. She looked around, and the damn 'lings already did a number on the city. She moved inside, to find her sister. She wasn't inside her room.

Of course, she must have already took the fight to them.

She left the room, and galloped down to the lower levels of the castle. There was fire, destruction, dead royal guards, weapons strewn about, the usual scenery.

Luckily, in the corridor she was walking, Celestia came right at her.

"Sister, it's so good to see-" Luna said, and suddenly stopped. "Wait, how do I know you are really you?!"

Luna lit up her horn, and asked:

"Tell me, my dear sister: What was the best cake you ever ate? Describe it to me."

"Really Chrysalis, that's the best you can do?" came the answer, and Celestia's horn lit up too.

"Wh-what?! I am not..."

"If you are indeed Luna, tell me your most embarrassing foalhood memory!"

"AHHH! No way! I'll never tell that, never ever! I'd rather get shot, or get banished even!"

Celestia chuckled at her suddenly agitated sister: "Checks out! And my most favorite cake is Pinkie Pie's monstrosity with the donuts, éclairs, and chocolate mousse. Yum!"

"Checks... Out." Luna gagged, then added "Let's go. We have to find Chrysalis before it's too late."

Celestia nodded an affirmative, and now together, they began towards the exit of the castle. They took a shortcut through the throne room, and galloped down the corridor leading up to it, when suddenly, changelings. Luna could almost hear the record scratch.

Changeling platoons trapped them from both sides. And Chrysalis was among them. There was no escape.

"You didn't think could just run, hm, my little princesses?" Chrysalis cackled "Soon, my changeling army will take over Canterlot. Then, all of Equestria! But first, I will deal with YOU!"

Hearing that, Celestia got a strange feeling of déja vu. At that moment, she already stood back-to-back with Luna, ready for anything.

"Well Luna," she spoke "I guess this time you really won't miss anything."

"Is there anything you wanna do with your pathetic lives before you depart?" Chrysalis asked, voice filled with sinister malice.

"Yes." came the answer from Luna "I wanna ROCK!"

That was the cue for Celestia, who pushed the hidden button just under her hooves. Loudspeakers emerged from the walls between the windowpanes, from the ceiling, and from the ground too. In a few moments, it was all loudspeakers. The changelings got rightfully confused. Chrysalis, too. The next moment, metal music started blaring from the speakers. so loud, that the stained glass windows broke everywhere. The changelings initially couldn't react, It was just too loud. Audio attack!

"Ready, my sister of most sophisticated musical tastes?" Luna glanced back.

"Ready, my absolutely twisted little sister!" came the answer.

Both of them flared their wings, and jumped off from the ground. They descended upon all the scared drones and warriors, and shouted in unison:

"CHANGELING MOSH PIT, GO!"

Sitting upon his throne of clouds, the Creator of Absolutely Everything was reading a book written in a nonexistent language. He turned over another page, sighing at the book's lack of quality. Good thing he was almost at the end by then.

One of his seraphs appeared, handing over a big box to him, with the usual "EPS" stamp on it. He opened it, and levitated out the mangled parts of a huge changeling. He sighed again, and threw the parts on the top of the pile.

"Ah, these two..."

Author's Note

*Kinetic Interventon by Nocturnal Overlord