An Unroyal Wedding

by Shrink Laureate

Rating: everyone
Tags: Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Bon-Bon
Length: 1005

Lyra and Bon Bon are getting married. Lyra is definitely not a princess.

Lyra and Bon Bon are getting married. Lyra is definitely not a princess.

Reading by StraightToThePointStudio

Reading by Rainbow Infinity Readings

Written for The Thousand Words Contest II.

Cover image by DoraeArtDreams-Aspy used with artist's permission.

Thanks to Damaged and totallynotabrony for editing.

Published 2023-06-14 16:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-14 16:30:01 UTC

Named

Ponyville town hall was decked out in beautiful white bunting with blue, yellow, and mint green roses. Hundreds of ponies were gathered within. Sat in the audience was practically everypony in town, as well as a few visitors – including the Princesses themselves. Glorious sunshine poured through the windows onto the stage.

Upon the stage stood the blessedly betrothed couple, Lyra and Bon Bon. Between them, officiating the ceremony, stood the Mayor.

At this very moment, the Mayor indicated Lyra. “Lyra, if you would like to say your vows?”

Lyra looked deep into her beloved Bon Bon's eyes. “I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. In the sight of the Sun and the Moon, I, Princess Lyra Heartstrings, take you–”

“What?” exclaimed Bon Bon, followed by quickly covering her mouth with a hoof.

Lyra paused. "Er. Bonny?"

“Sorry! Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt, honey.”

“It’s okay. I–”

“It's just, like, how long have you been a princess?”

Lyra blinked. “What? I'm not a princess.”

“You're not?”

“Of course not. Why would I even be a princess?”

“Then why did you…” Bon Bon checked herself. “You know what, never mind. Carry on.”

“You're sure about that?”

“Yes, yes, absolutely sure. Please.”

The mayor and hundreds of gathered attendees – including at least four actual princesses – waited patiently, if nervously and with a little confusion.

Lyra resumed. “I, Princess Lyra Heartstrings, take–”

“So you are a princess?” interrupted Bon Bon.

“What?”

“You just said it.”

“Said... my name?” asked Lyra.

“You said ‘princess’.”

“Yes. My name.”

“Your name, and also the word ‘princess’,” insisted Bon Bon.

“That’s…” Lyra closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Bon Bon. Bonny, darling. We've been going out for nine years now, right?”

“Something like that, yes?”

“So I really hesitate to ask this, but... do you know what my name is?”

Bon Bon squinted. “Of course I do. Your name’s Lyra Heartstrings. I mean, you just said it out loud.”

“No, I... well, yes, but also no.”

“Huh?”

“I’m Princess Lyra Heartstrings.”

“So you are a princess?”

“No, I'm not a princess. My name is Princess Lyra Heartstrings.”

“It is?” Princess Lyra nodded. “Since when?”

“Since always! That has always been my name. How do you not know that?”

“Why did you never tell me?”

“I did. Lots of times! I must have. Right?”

“I'm fairly sure I'd remember if you ever told me that your name was 'Princess'. I mean, what sort of parents name their foal ‘Princess’?”

Mrs. Heartstrings, sitting in the front row less than two ponylengths from the couple, was about to interject until her husband corked her with a hoof.

“Really ambitious ones,” replied Princess Lyra with a sideways glance into the audience. “You’ve heard of ponies calling their foals Duke or Earl, haven’t you?”

Prince Blueblood shifted uneasily in his seat.

“Sure I have, but not Princess.”

“Look, I don't tend to use that name, for obvious reasons, but I must have mentioned it to you at some point in the last decade. I must have said something like, ‘I can’t believe my parents called me Princess’ or something like that.”

“No, not a single time. I'm pretty darned sure I’d remember if you had.”

A mother in the third row covered her foal's ears.

“You know what,” said Bon Bon. “I'm fine with this. It’s just your name. It doesn’t matter. Carry on. Go ahead.”

“You’re sure?” Princess Lyra asked. Bon Bon nodded decisively. “Okay then.” She took another deep breath and resumed her vows. “I, Princess Lyra Heartstrings, take you, Bon Bon Fondant, to be my–”

“Um, actually,” interjected Bon Bon with a sheepish expression. “Sorry, sorry to stop you again, but um…”

“Seriously?” asked Princess Lyra.

“It's just that, uh, my name isn't actually Bon Bon.”

“Oh, for the love of Celestia…” Princess Lyra drooped her head.

Celestia coughed pointedly. Princess Lyra flinched nervously. The mayor took a careful step back, putting a little distance between her and the couple just in case.

“I mean, uhm…” Princess Lyra gathered her wits. “Your name isn’t really Bon Bon?”

Bon Bon pressed her hooves together. “Yeah, uh… So, um, you know how I told you that the job I had before we met was, uh, a little more dangerous than being a sweet shop owner?”

“Right. They had a bunch of factory safety violations, you said.”

“Yeah, so, uh... as it turns out that wasn't quite the full story…”

Raven Inkwell whispered something urgently to Celestia, then Celestia quickly stood up. “Ahem!” she declared.

The mayor took several more cautious steps away from the couple.

“We do hereby grant Miss Bon Bon Fondant special royal dispensation to be married under her current given name,” Celestia said in a hurry. “And to discuss any further matters IN PRIVATE.”

Princess Lyra looked closely at Bon Bon. Then at the princess. Then back at Bon Bon.

Bon Bon very pointedly did not look at Princess Lyra at all.

“Later,” Princess Lyra whispered.

Celestia looked at the mayor. “Madam Mayor, I believe the ceremony can now resume?”

“Of course,” said the mayor nervously.

“Unless anypony else thinks this is the perfect time to declare their true identity?” asked Princess Lyra.

Ditzy Doo started to raise her hoof, but Dinky pulled it down with a shake of her head.

Turning back to Bon Bon, Princess Lyra rushed through her vows one more time. “I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. In the sight of the Sun and the Moon,” Princess Lyra cast a nervous glance at the row where the two princesses were sat, “I, Princess Lyra Heartstrings, take you–”

“I'm not Mayor Mare!” shouted the mayor.

“Now? Really?” exclaimed Princess Lyra.

The mayor was briefly engulfed with green fire, revealing her changeling form. “I've been impersonating the mayor for five months now!” the changeling shouted. She stood with her eyes closed, trembling, expecting retribution.

“Yes, we all know that,” insisted Princess Lyra, “but can we please finish this wedding?”