Every Letter Opener Has Two Edges
A shadow fell across Zephyr Heights. Above the city, a zeppelin floated, with a skull and crossbones emblazoned upon each side.
"Citizens of Zephyr Heights!" an amplified voice rang out. "Princesses Zipp Storm and Pipp Petals have returned!"
In the streets and public squares, ponies gawked and stared skywards.
"That can't be! I heard they were dead!"
"I heard earth ponies cut them up for fishbait!"
Two pony princesses looked over the side of the airship's gondola and waved. "We're coming down to tell everypony the truth! The whole truth! And nothing but the truth!"
Two ropes uncoiled over the ship's side. Using rappelling harnesses, Zipp and Pipp descended, landing atop the performance stage at the center of Zephyr Park. Under the impact, Zipp's prosthetic metal legs almost buckled.
Pipp whispered arcane syllables, casting one of the many incantations she'd learned from the Alchemical Almaghest, a secret book her mother's ghost had sent her on a quest to find.
"Testing!" Pipp said. Her voice boomed and echoed throughout the city. "Hello, everpony! We have more scandals to share with you than you ever imagined! To start with, royal pegasi can't really fly!"
The gathering crowd laughed.
"If you can't fly," a gray maned pony said, "what's that thing you and your mother always used to do at royal events?"
"It was faked!" Zipp shouted. "We used wires to hold us up. That's why we never did it anyplace there wasn't something to hang the wires from."
The crowd muttered and grumbled.
"Come on!" Pipp said. "Don't you think it's at least a LITTLE suspicious that a queen who could FLY somehow fell on her head and died?"
"Maybe," a young stallion admitted.
Zipp shouted, "The reason our mother died is because Clopius sabotaged her flight wires to kill her! After he married her to become king, he no longer had any reason to keep her alive! Because Clopius is a liar and a big jerk! Also a murderer and a traitor!"
The gray maned pony shouted, "Saying things like that against our new king, maybe YOU are the traitor."
"You've known us all your lives!" Zipp insisted. "Why would we confess the flying trick is a fake, unless we're telling the truth?"
Beside Zipp, her sister Pipp squinted, whispering more incantations.
A little filly pointed at Pipp. "If you two can't fly," she asked, "what is Princess Pipp doing?"
Pipp opened her eyes. "It worked!" she shouted. "It worked!" She flapped her wings, flying in a circle. "It finally worked! You see, our mother was really angry about being murdered, so she came back in my dreams as an angry ghost and sent me on a quest to find the secret magic spell for true flight!"
"What right does this give you to accuse King Clopius of murder and treason?" asked a stallion wearing noble style regalia. "No matter what stunts or tricks you might have learned while you were off consorting with pirates and foreigners, which in itself should cast dark suspicion upon your besmirched names? Who then is the traitor?"
Pipp turned towards her sister. "Zipp!" she said. "Zipp! You said this would work! You said they would accept the REAL flyers as the TRUE royal family!"
Zipp whispered, "Wait for it. And don't get scared, no matter what happens. I have a plan! If Clopius' son Hayertes really is as big a lying, thieving jerk as I think he is..."
A stallion emerged from the crowd, wearing a tunic of jewel-like colors with gilt embroidery. "Zipp. Pipp. It pains me to see how your understandable grief over your mother's unfortunate death has driven you mad."
"You DARE call me mad?" Zipp shouted.
"Every word from your mouth marks you as a madpony."
"Oh yeah? Well...my sister can FLY! So SHE'S the true Zephyria royalty, and you and your father can both go suck eggs!"
Hayertes chuckled.
"Now!" Zipp shouted. "Make me fly, Pipp!"
Pipp waved one foreleg, and Zipp rose into the air.
"Woo hoo!" Zipp shouted, soaring and swooping. "I challenge you, Hayertes, to a duel! An AERIAL duel! If you can't fly, you lose before you even start!"
Hayertes laughed. He pulled some notes out of his pocket, and read softly.
"NOOOOOO!" Pipp screamed. "What's he DOING?"
Zipp waved at her sister, and winked.
Hayertes rose towards Zipp, his wings canted aggressively. He pulled a sword from his belt. "En garde, madpony traitor!" he shouted.
"Come and catch me!" Zipp taunted, shooting upwards into the sky. "You're still a lying cheating jerkface whose father is a murderer!"
"Madmares! I can fly faster and fight better than either of you, or both of you together. And so can my father, the true king of Zephyria." He gestured meaningfully.
Pipp's eyes followed his gesture. "Oh celestial tea droppings!" She beat her wings quickly, fighting for elevation to dodge Clopius.
"Friends, pegasi, countrymares," Clopius declaimed. "As you can see, royal pegasus flight is real, and I am still your true king. Not like the two outlaws who fled our country to gather a force of pirates, to betray their home city, to make false allegations against your true rulers."
Pipp frantically raced higher than Zipp, shedding downy feathers.
"Well, you know what else, Clophead?" Zipp jeered, dipping towards Hayertes.
"Zipp, my stepdaughter, my ward." Clopius shook his head. "It ill behooves you to use such language."
"When Hayertes was a schoolfoal, he always cheated. He always copied or stole the answers from anypony he could bully into going along with it. And the only way YOU got that spell is if you copied it from HIM. Pathetic! A double cheater, a..."
"A WHAT?" Clopius scowled.
"Wait for it," Zipp said.
"Wait for WHAT?" Hayertes shouted.
"The flying spell your son stole from me is FAKE. There's a mistake in it. MAYONNAISE!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Clopius and Hayertes, as they plummeted towards the ground.
Zipp hoofbumped her sister. "And THAT'S how you do the poisoned sword scene, ZEPHYRIA PRINCESS STYLE!"
Author's Note
One dark legend claims, William Shakespeare wrote an alternate version of "Romeo and Juliet" with a happy ending.
If he did the same for "Hamlet," that version has been lost to us.
