Of All The Ponies...

by Axan Zenith

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Comedy, Random
Length: 902

Applejack is my least favorite pony. Turns out, inter-dimensional portals have a sense of humour.

Being a normal brony in a normal world, it seems only natural that I would get randomly sent to Equestria for no reason whatsoever.

It also seems natural that whatever vague force sent me there also turned me into a pony.

But not just any pony.

Applejack.

Who is my least favorite of the Mane 6.

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You know how most writers begin writing a story with a clear idea in mind, a rich, intricate storyline already set up, and their razor sharp writing skills at the ready?

Yeah. About that.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-27 20:03:15 UTC

Chapter 1

Did you know that trans-dimensional portals are really slow?

Seriously.

Like, really slow.

I know that everyone always describes them as these swirling vortexes of terror, with flashing lights and peals of thunder flying past as you tumble into mindless oblivion.

But no. They’re just long, dark tunnels. Quiet, too, aside from the odd whispering sound that's coming from the walls, if you could call them that. Definitely not the maelstroms of chaos that people make them out to be.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, the flashing lights are here, dancing amidst the clouds of energy that form the tunnel through space-time. They were cool to look at for about five minutes after I first was thrown into the portal, but after that they just got boring. Annoying, even. It didn’t help that I was moving about as fast as one of those moving walkways you find at theme parks or airports.

God this thing is slow.

I mean, aren’t you just supposed to, I dunno, wake up? That’s how most human in Equestria stories go. You wake up, or you just get teleported there. Bam. Done. No ridiculously slow dimensional rifts. No creepy whispering sounds coming from the walls. No freaking stupid lights strobing at you from every freaking direction.

Okay, just calm down. Yeah, this whole dimension hopping thing sucks, but hey. You’re going to Equestria.

I’m going to Equestria.

Say that. Like, out loud to yourself. It doesn’t really mean much, does it? It sounds kind of nonsensical. Like something that would never happen. That’s because it won’t ever happen. At least, it’s not supposed to. I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to feel about it. Will Equestria be nice and bright and happy, like in the show? Or will it be dark and dangerous, like in those fanfictions I always read? Maybe a bit of both. Maybe neither. Either way, one thing’s for certain.

Twilight Sparkle will be there.

That’s all that matters, really. Equestria could be filled with murderers and drug-dealers for all I care, as long as Twilight is the same. She’s the best pony, after all. How could she not be? With her cute little voice and her adorable smile and her books and he-

Ah-ah. No squealing in the space-time portal. Not allowed. People will think you're crazy. You're not crazy, now are you?

Don't answer that.

Seriously though. I can't wait to actually meet her!  There'll be so much to talk about, so much to see! Of course, I'll make time for the rest of the Mane 6 as well. A chat with Fluttershy, tea with Rarity, hell, I'll even set aside some time to talk to Applejack, even if she's my least favorite pony. Pinkie will be a riot, and Rainbow Dash will be at least 20% cooler than everypony else.

Feel free to shoot me for that one.

I just hope this stupid portal doesn’t take too much longer; I’ve been in here for at least an hour, and I kinda have to go to the bath-

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Okay, ow.

I opened my eyes blearily.

Above me was a plain, brown wood ceiling; below me, a nice, soft bed. That was a good sign, I think. It meant I had left the tunnel. And by “left”, I mean it had put me through a meat grinder, spat me out, and then put me back together with superglue.

At least, that’s what it felt like.

Turning over, I got a better look at whatever room I had been placed in. An olive green wallpaper stared back at me, as well as... a cowboy hat? A worn looking rope was looped around the hook the hat hung on. It looked oddly familiar. I lifted a hand to wipe the sand from my eyes.

Only it wasn’t a hand.

It was a hoof.

Well. That’s interesting.

A grin spread slowly across my face. This was freakin’ awesome! Not only was I in Equestria, but I was also a pony! I mean, given, it’s not my OC, and I’m not too crazy about the dull orange colour that my hoof is, but-

Wait.

Dull orange?

I examined my hoof, (Heehee. My hoof.), again. Why is that colour so familiar? It almost looks like...

My jaw fell open. Wordlessly, I rose from the bed, and walked to the window set into the other wall. (“Walked” is a very strong word, though; I wasn’t used to having four limbs yet.)

It was still dark outside, but I could still make out the scenery. I tried to pointedly ignore the very familiar setting.

And there, in the reflection of the window pane, an orange mare with bright green eyes and a straw coloured mane stared back at me.

A soft female voice with a bit of Southern twang came out of my mouth.

“Oh, god dammit.”

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Applejack.

Goddamn Applejack.

That's who I had to be. There was no mistaking it. The orange coat, the green eyes, the blonde mane. Not to mention that ridiculous voice. It was so twangy and high pitched and-

Gasping, my head shot down to look in between my hind legs.

Nope. Nothin'. There was no denying it.

My penis was gone.

I decided that now would be the best time to faint.

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Three firm knocks resounded on the door to Applejack's room.

Okay. Maybe not thebest time.