(Note this was originally an Episode for Equestria's Crazies but it seemed out of the current timeline, so I'm giving it its own one-shot)
"What are you fools doing?" hissed the Changeling Queen “We have a tight schedule to maintain." Mentally she went through her checklist once more, noting that many of her required materials were still lacking from the large table in front of her".
"A thousand pardons my Queen" begged the much smaller Changeling as he and three others entered the room, dragging a large sack behind them.
"What's the excuse now?" she hissed once again as she pulled the sack from them and began sorting through its contents.
The two other Changelings took the opportunity to escape their loving Queen's wrath. Leaving their poor comrade, to his fate, if he was lucky maybe.
"So what's the excuse for the delay?" Chrysalis repeated as she stared down the much smaller Changeling
"Well, you see my Queen" stuttered the Changeling as he did his best to avoid eye contact "We had to search through the Castle for the items you requested and many of them were not in the locations you listed. Apparently, the ponies keep their provisions in a large room made of wood."
"So, you're thirty minutes late, because you couldn't find the pantry?" The surprised Queen asked with a raised eyebrow.
"No my Queen, when we tried to enter, we were assaulted by some highly trained soldiers. They were armed with tools of silver and wore these strange tall hat of white. "
Chrysalis did her best to suppress a laugh, if not for herself, at least for here little Changelings remaining dignity.
"So you were attacked by the castle cooks?"
"cooks?" asked the confused Changeling "Is that the rank of the solders?"
It was only now that Chrysalis realized the group that she had given the task to, must have been some of the newest arrivals to Canterlot. Heck, they had probably never been outside of the Hive. The sheer fact that they were able to get over the culture shock alone was a great sign.
A smirk spread across her face as she thought back to the day before the failed attack. Many of the older Changelings had lived on the surface, but the majority had never left the sprawling cave system. The confusion on their face, when they could no longer see the ceiling, or the fear when the Sun arose, priceless.
"A cook is the one who prepares the food for the rest of the ponies." She answered as she shook the memories
"All of the ponies?!" asked the stunned Changeling "Surely you jest my Queen, how could a mere five ponies feed the entire population of a race?"
If Chrysalis could have facehoofed any harder she probably would have given herself at least two or three forms of brain damage.
"No, no, the Cook makes th-" Chrysalis was cut off as another Changeling arose from behind the table
"I'm sorry to interrupt my Queen, but we're back on in 20 seconds." Spoke Thorax as he began set up of the large camera.
"Well, I'm sorry to cut this short my little Changeling.....actually, why don't you stick around. I'll give a first hoof look at what a cook does."
Before the smaller Changeling had a chance to answer, he found himself being dragged towards the table as what appeared to be a cape was placed around his neck; however it appeared to have been put on backwards. He hadn't noticed it at the time, but a white cooks hat had also been placed a top his head.
"We're live in 5 - 4 - 3"
Chrysalis quickly placed her own apron on it was quite a strange one to say the least. Both the apron and the matching hat were bright pink and the message "Kiss the Queen" had been stitched across it.
"2 - 1 and we're live!"
"Welcome back my little Chan- ponies, to "Cooking with the Queen" I'm your host Queen Chrysalis." She said in a cheerful voice as she spoke to the invisible audience.
"Before we left for the break, I gave you instructions to gather the "Special" ingredient for this meal. Several of you called in saying you were unable to obtain it. Do not worry, I'll also be teaching you how to make an easier dish, "Cave Salad"."
Chrysalis's focus quickly shifted around the room as she pulled several items towards her. A large wooden bowl, a full head of lettuce and several other items were placed in front of her.
"Oh yes!" Chrysalis blurted as she noticed the Changeling hiding behind the Table, the tip of his head peaking over as he peered at the large menacing black object, his queen was apparently preparing to serve food to.
"This is my new assistant" She said cheerfully as she held the terrified Changeling aloft with her magic. "Why don't you tell everyone watching your name?"
"Hello" he stuttered "my name is Steve"
"What was that? You'll have to speak up."
"I said my name is Steve"
"Really now, please speak up."
"Steve, my name is Steve."
"Steve?" Chrysalis repeated "What a strange name for a Changeling, next you'll be telling me there's a Changeling named "Mr. Cuddlesworth" somewhere in the Hive. But we're losing focus."
Once again Chrysalis began searching around the room as she pulled several more objects over. A large cooking pot, a bowl of a greenish liquid, and several spices.
"Before we begin work on the Salad, we should start the sauce for our "main" dish." she finished with a wink towards the out of room audience.
"Steve, could you fill this pot with a tiny bit of water?" With a bit of hesitation Steve quickly made his way to the sink and filled the pot with an inch of water. By the time he returned to the counter his Queen had begun mixing the green liquid with what appeared to be mashed tomatoes.
"Thank you. now, that we've mixed the sauces together we let them boil for a bit on top of the stove, don't forget to add a bit of seasoning while it's cooking." Once again her gaze begins shifting around the room; however this time it stopped on a looked door, just out of view of the camera. The muffled sound of something moving around causing her to pick up the pace.
"Well, we seem to be running out of time, why don't we change the time from thirty minutes at three hundred, to five minutes at one thousand and seven. While we wait for that, let's make this salad."
With a flare of her horn the wooden bowl slid into view along with the lettuce and a few other ingredients and smaller bags.
"First we start off with lettuce, like any good salad." Chrysalis magically strips a few chunks off and tosses it into the bowl.
"Now we'll add a few more ingredients and some spices." After a few more seconds the Changeling Queen had mixed most of the ingredients together, making sure to add seasoning every now and again.
"Now it's time for the most important ingredient, maggots"
Meanwhile in the Ponyville Library
Twilight Sparkle had been following along at home, she had gathered the "Special" ingredient and so far it seemed as if this was going to be a splendid meal (In the name of science of course) However, the moment she had seen the insect larva crawling inside the bowl, she lost it as well as her breakfast.
"Wimp" grumbled the sleepy dragon as he watched from his resting place a top the counter.
Back in Canterlot
Chrysalis finished licking the fork as she tossed it behind her.
"Mmm, that was one of the best Salads I've had in a long time, but now it's time to finish this up."
Chrysalis quickly removed her hat and apron as she pulled the now cooled sauce off the burner and poured it into a much smaller container.
"Steve, would you be so kind as to retrieve the "main" meal from the back room."
Steve nodded in the affirmative as he made his way into the sealed back room, after a few minutes of silence and a bit of rustling; the smaller Changeling emerged from the dark room. However, he hadn't found any food in the backroom instead he had found something extremely surprising, well not really considering who he was loyal to.
The meal was none other than Princess Celestia, bound and gagged to a large wooden poll placed atop a rolling trolley. As expected, she didn't look too happy, in fact if looks could kill. You could almost be certain Celestia would have ended the universe at least once or twice.
"Now, my volunteer's love will have an extra kick to it and for all of you wondering. No, I didn't kidnap your Princess. She lost a game of poker."
"Mmkhh! mmhh!? grrrr!" came the muffled growls of Princess Celestia
"Just because I cheated, doesn't mean my victory is any less valid." Retorted the Changeling Queen.
"Now for everyone at home, it's time to add the sauc-"
Once again the Changeling Queen was cut off; however this time it wasn't one of her subjects. Instead it was none other than Nightmare Moon
"Discord wanted me to tell you, the food we ordered is he-" Nightmare paused as she took in the sight before here. Celestia was tied to a pole a large gag placed in here mouth, several Changelings around her. Chrysalis stood in front a large prop kitchen; she had apparently set up in one of the old dungeon cells. The weirdest part were the cameras, about five of them had been set up at different Angles.
"You know, I don't even know why I expect a normal day when I get up in the morning." moaned the mare "I'm surrounded by idiots."
Chrysalis's gaze quickly snapped back to the cameras
"Well that's all for now folks, be back here next week when we learn how to make hydra stew."
"And cut!" shouted Thorax as he killed the cameras
Without hesitation Chrysalis quickly climbed over the counter and darted for the door. She paused just before she exited and turned back to face Celestia, who's expression changed to that of relief once she knew she hadn't been forgotten.
"Don't worry" Chrysalis said with a twisted grin "I'll be back for you after we eat and don't worry, maybe will save you some of that triple chocolate cake"
The look of hatred and anger on Celestia's face was indescribable. The only thing that seemed even reasonably close was the look on Nightmare's face when she realized Discord had turned her into a stallion. Everyone was picking Discord bits out of their coats for at least a week.
Chrysalis did the only thing she could think of, she slammed the door and ran.
"Grrrrmk!! mrrkgr!" Came the muffled screeches of the sun goddess
Muffled Translation
"I will -Redacted- everything you love."
Meanwhile in the Ponyville Library
Luna sat in the dark of some back room, here hooves tied together and not a single ray of light could be seen.
"Hello?" she shouted "Miss Sparkle, I don't know what you're doing, but I don't think this is how you make a meal."
She paused for a few more moments and waited for the silence to be broken
"Nobody knows the troubles I've seen, nobody knows my sorrows."
One Week Later
It had only taken 2 days for Celestia to track down Chrysalis, who had hidden herself within the Everfree forest. Chrysalis had apparently thought out how she would deal with the fury of a Goddess, she had taken the time to purchase a cake from one of the stores in Ponyville. Which she had used as a form of peace offering.
Luckily for her Celestia had accepted the offer and Chrysalis would only need the full body cast for two weeks.
On the lighter side, it had only taken Luna several hours to remember she was capable of magic, something her sister had completely forgotten about. She had been able to escape her captor, who had apparently collapsed in the bathroom after some form of traumatic event.
Needless to say "Cooking with the Queen" was promptly cancelled and was never spoken about again.
