Celestia plots her revenge in the strangest way possible

by Hypnotwist

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2201

It's Celestia's dinner and Luna's breakfast, the cooks in the kitchen are taking an ungodly long time to prepare their food so the sisters have a completely normal conversation and don't plot against Blueblood at all.

Prince Blueblood, Celestia's nephew has been behaving horribly recently and the solar goddess has been getting fed up with his shenanigans.
When Luna makes her way to the dining hall for her breakfast she meets her sister as they wait for their meals, the lunar goddess quickly finds out that her sister had been abandoning sleep in favor of a secretive project. She's now determined to find out what it is and why Celestia is planning something against her entitled nephew, she doesn't even know why or how he's related to them.

This fic contains: Swearing, A giant nsfw statue, ABSOLUTELY NO INCEST OR NAUGHTY TIME DESPITE WHAT THE TAGS MAY LEAD YOU TO BELIEVE, and writing that was written while high and only recently refined, oh and OOC characters.

Published 2023-06-23 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-23 03:00:01 UTC

Celestia needs to learn how to talk things out

Princess Celestia, the goddess of the sun, the mare who for centuries ruled Equestria solo and who should've been a master at making public appearances sat at her dining room table utterly drained from her latest public appearance. She had to force herself to politely smile so painfully often she felt as if her face was soon going to melt off of her head.
The pale mare stifled an annoyed grunt and glanced around the hall at the guards clad in golden armor standing proudly at their posts or castle staff dressed in ostentatious finery scurrying about to attend to their duties.
Her ears swiveled upon hearing the heavy doors being opened, hoping that it was the chefs bringing her the meal she had requested nearly half an hour ago, hopes swiftly crushed when the realization that the chefs do not bring her meal through the main entrance.

"Good evening sister, have the staff not brought you your meal yet?"

She chuckled and shook her head no, this time allowing a soft sigh of disappointment to escape her. "Not yet, but good evening Luna. You look to be in a particularly cheery mood this evening"

Luna scoffed, shaking her head in disappointment that the ponies in the kitchen were taking such an unreasonable amount of time to prepare a meal. "And this is why I keep insisting you hire new chefs, this is- what?- the third time this month that they have been egregiously late with preparing a simple meal given you've asked for your usual."

"Yes, my usual. This time I asked for a slice of red velvet cake as well. And I know, but you know it's hard to find qualified chefs and not ponies who say they're good but end up not knowing how to boil an egg or use a stove."

"Of course you have sister, of course you have. Buuuut- like I said a week or so ago, either fire them and send out an ad in the papers or whatever you do, or spend some bits on training them because this is unacceptable."

"Hey!" Celestia chortled. "Cake to me is like mangos to you, irresistible." She sighed and rubbed her eyes tiredly. "I know Luna- It's just.. I don't know who will be willing to train every single one of the kitchen staff all at once, I've asked Pepper Pot, Coriander Cumin, and even his daughter but they all said they were unable to!"

Luna rolled her eyes and took a seat across from Celestia, frowning upon noticing the obvious bags under her sister's eyes, the lunar princess decided chef debate could wait until later, she had a more pressing matter to speak about. "Celestia, have you been sleeping well lately?"

"No, I know I'm making very unwise decisions by sleeping next to none but I'm working on a personal passion project of mine. And maybe a little revenge."

"Really? I mean- Yeah that's a horrible idea given how you're supposed to not be sleep deprived when ruling a nation, what're you working on?"

"Tsk tsk sister, not telling." She teased, sticking her tongue out playfully. "Besides, it'll ruin the surprise if I'd tell you now."

Luna groaned dramatically and flared her leathery wings, Celestia had captured her interest and now wouldn't tell her what she was working on? She must find out what her secretive sister had been up to and find out what was so important that sleep wasn't a priority. "Oh come on Tia, you can't just pique my curiosity like that!"

"But I can! And I have. You'll have to wait and see what I've got planned!~"

She pouted and gave Celestia her best puppy eyes, it was ineffective mainly because Celestia had wisely turned her gaze away the second she figured out what Luna was trying to do. "Can you at least tell me who's the recipient for your revenge?"

"Agh, fine. It's Blueblood."

"Blueblood?" Luna tilted her head curiously, her so called nephew always had a habit of getting on everyone's nerves and she was not exactly surprised that he somehow managed to tick off Tia as well. "What did he do this time? You always are so patient with that little b- Ah- Jerk."

"Well-" Celestia took several deep breaths and used her wings to massage her temple, the mere memories of Blueblood's bullshittery was giving her a headache. "He decided that he was suddenly some powerful stallion who was above the law and he went drinking."

"That's it?"

"It gets way worse." She breathed out, her headache pounding as she remembered the frustratingly idiotic chain of events.

"Oh lord."

"Yes. Anyways- He then decided to swim in a fountain, try to seduce four mares and a stallion, ranted about how he should be the ruler of Equestria, hijacked a train and sent it barreling down the tracks at an unholy speed that I had no idea was even possible, oh, and then puked all over the god damn carpet and the walls. That time Twilight was intoxicated and vomited all over me and my bedroom doesn't even compare to what happened with him."

"Oh good god sister, how did he even become a prince in the first place? His title is only for show and he has no real power so how the absolute hell did he end up being such a little biiiii-" She caught herself mid swear and cleared her throat to continue her train of thought without cussing. "How did he end up being so entitled?"

"I have no clue, I tried to punish him for his bad behavior but he was always entitled? I may revoke his title after my initial revenge."

Luna sighed in relief at the thought of not having to deal with her entitled nephew anymore, she didn't even know how he managed to get adopted by Celestia but she was ninety-five percent sure that she was either high or drunk when she adopted him as a young colt, maybe high and drunk. "Please do."

The sun goddess chuckled in delight and got up from her chair, excited to see her project come to fruition. "Please pardon me sister, but I have to check on my little project's progress. When our meals arrive please come get me, I'm starving."

"Of course, if our food never arrives then I'll bid you good night."

"Good night Lulu, I'll see you in the morning."

She smiled to her older sister and nodded, getting up from her own seat to go perform her nightly duties and ponder what in the world her sibling was up to and why the hell the palace cooks sucked so bad at their jobs.
The mare's curiosity got the better of her and she slowly meandered over to the grand office, figuring Tia was either there or in the throne room preparing for her day. She knocked on the door and waited for half a second before gently pushing the door open, letting out a soft grumble of annoyance when the familiar sight of her sister's pale fur didn't meet her, it also meant she'd have to take a jaunt over to the throne room so she could hopefully annoy Celestia into telling her what she was working on.

Luna yawned loudly and glanced around the eerily still corridor, the royal guards were evidently at morning formation being briefed for the day which should put her mind at ease, but for whatever reason it never lessened the strange feeling that abandoned hallways gave her.
She chalked it up to an overactive imagination as she walked through the silent palace, the only sounds of life were her armored hoofsteps clopping on the marble floor while she walked and the occasional servant meandering through the castle attempting to look busy. Soon enough she arrived at the giant doors separating her from the throne room, she pushed the unreasonably heavy doors open and stepped into the room, immediately huffing in frustration upon noticing that Celestia wasn't there either. "Where in the world is she?"

Her ears swiveled and she craned her neck to see who was approaching her, her hopes of it being Celestia were very quickly crushed as she heard a stallion speak. Tia was definitely not a stallion, if she was then some magic bullshittery had gone down within the short amount of time since she last spoke to her.

"Good morning your majesty, am I right to assume you are looking for princess Celestia?"

She turned around to properly face the stallion, humming in approval when she realized the guard had finished their morning rollcall and were heading to their assigned posts for the day. "Of course, has anyone seen her?"

The guard nodded and bowed his head respectfully. "Yes your majesty, she was seen heading in the direction of prince Blueblood's manor only a few minutes ago."

"How long roughly?"

"Five, give or take a minute or two."

Luna gave the stallion a grateful smile, truthfully she didn't think what he said was very helpful but it wasn't his fault for not knowing where exactly her sibling was currently. "Thank you, er-" her gaze temporarily shifted to the crest on his helmet, guessing he was a lieutenant since the crest was a little more decorated than usual. "Thank you lieutenant, you may return to your duties."

The guard saluted and continued on. "Of course your majesty, farewell."

She sighed and wondered if Celestia leaving the palace was part of her revenge plot against Blueblood, she trotted out of the castle and past the confused guards who wondered why the lunar goddess was up during the day and roaming around Canterlot.
She took a deep breath and flared her leathery wings, giving them a precursory few flaps to double check that her wings were properly functioning, once satisfied she took flight, soaring high above the legal limits of Canterlot and savoring the feel of the fresh mountain air hitting her fur as she enjoyed her flight.

"Halt! You there, land immediately!" A voice from the ground shouted, obviously not noticing that the goddess of the moon was the one who they were attempting to command.

The lunar princess acted as if she'd not heard the command since quite frankly she couldn't give a flying fuck about the flying laws of Canterlot, she was keen on continuing her flight to Blueblood's disgustingly opulent manor. Her jaw clenched at the memory of her nephew insisting he have an excessive mega mansion with every luxury available for ponies wealthy enough to afford it.
She gracefully landed just outside the gates to the estate and sighed, if she was wrong she would have to bullshit her way through a painful visit with the one she could confidently say she hated.

"Luna! Over here, quick, before any of his staff see you."

She felt a magic grip on her neckpiece tugging her off to the side, she stumbled and opened her mouth to protest when an alabaster hoof found it's way over her mouth, muffling her frustrated grunts. "Mmmh!?"

"Shh. Shh- Don't talk, I'll explain. This is all part of my plan."

"Mmhmgm- Mmmmhh-"

Celestia hummed softly to herself and removed her hoof from over her little sister's mouth, taking a breath and preparing herself to talk. "Okay, so you see that giant tarp covered thing in the middle of his yard?"

".. Yes. I also see him coming out to investigate the giant covered monolithic object in his front yard."

"Hehehe okay, okay. So I'm going to wait until he's a little closer and then if the guards that I've posted here a week ago follow my orders they will remove the tarp and reveal my er.. revenge."

As if on cue two unicorn guards marched forward from their postings at the main entrance to the prince's manor in perfect sync, their auras gripping the bottom of the massive tarp covering the monolith as they violently ripped it off and revealed the giant statue. It was glorious.

Luna gasped, her gaze suddenly snapping to the giant statue, the statue in question was a giant penis lit up with rainbow LED lighting. The lunar goddess couldn't contain her laughter for very much longer no matter how hard she tried, she quickly bust out laughing and snorting as her sister looked gazed upon her wonderfully naughty creation.

Celestia snorted and spread her wings as she flew up above the statue, leaving an undeniably amused Luna to watch the show from a reasonable distance as she hovered on the tip of the statue, the pale mare laughing like a madmare the entire time as a confused and horrified Blueblood watched on. "HAHAHA SUCK MY DICK BLUEBLOOD, YOU ENTITLED LITTLE SHIT."

Author's Note

No, I really don't know what happened here officers. I was high and wrote some random mess on Discord so know this is garbage but I thought what stoned me wrote was kinda interesting so I cleaned it up and made it a tiny bit understandable.

Anyways~ Welcome to round 200 of me getting high and writing the weirdest garbage possible. :trollestia: