Don't F*ck With The Guy Who Has Guns, Foenum
The Gunslinger vs A Literal Cow Girl
I am still trying to find my way around the badlands, walking through the sandy ground and canyons, I did find a group of people or... cows and buffalos on my journey.
They call themselves Cattlekind, and they're the most friendly and welcoming people I met in my entire life. Though I maybe a species they never seen before, as long as I don't cause any trouble, they are willing to look pass that.
They give me food, water and a place to rest, though I have to decline their offer for food as the food they have will poison my ass.
While with them I asked them where am I, they were confused that I don't where am I, but I've explained to them how I ended up here sparing no details. A buffalo named Texas, who is the leader of Cattlekind explains to me that I happened to be in the land known as The Prairie in the country called Foenum.
He then tells me more about Foenum and it's culture, he tells me about the legend of this horned prophet, predators and many more about where I am and it's history.
Me and Texas went off well, I've learned that he is a husband with a wife named Minnesota and a daughter. Texas loves his family and he is very protective of them, he also loves to crack a couple of jokes to us, he is a great guy, kind and honorable, I very much respected him.
Of course I couldn't stay with them for long because Prairie has no food that I can eat, so Texas give me directions to this place called Renie City located in The Tundra, the most largest and richest metropolis in Foenum, the capital of Foenum, but he also warned me about predators because recently they got out of this realm known as The Hold, her daughter was also going there as well so he ask to send his message to her which I promised him, bidding them farewell I set off on my journey to Renie City.
I have learned that Foenum takes salt for currency, yeah I stopped fucking questioning after meeting with talking cows. To get salt I am going to have to find a salt mine, I don't know how am I going to mine it without a pickaxe as my guns don't make good tools for pickin’ rocks but I'll probably find a fucking way.
CANYON PASS
It's getting dark and I still haven't find a salt mine, I have been wandering around this canyon looking for a bridge that Texas said will lead me to Renie City. I still need to find a salt mine however, if I don't find one, I can't get money, and no money means no food, no food means starvation, and I ain't planning on dying that way.
... Is that light over there?
Knowing there's a chance that someone is around I went to the source of the light, soon I found it, it was a campfire near a carriage, there's a cattlekind settling there, she seems to be panicking looking around, oh well, she is the my shot for directions, so I went up to her.
“Where did that young calf ran off to?!” she said.
“Uhm excuse me ma’am” I said to her.
“AH! A Predator!” She said surprised by my sudden appearance.
“Cool yourself lady I ain’t no predator, I am just a wanderer, lost in a land I am not familiar with.” I said calmly to her, still maintaining my stoic look.
She calms down, “Ah’m sorry about that, but who are you, You look like a hairless monkey?” she asks.
“My name is Dave, and I am a human” I answered.
“Well Dave, mah name’s Madison, wha’cha doing out here alone?” she asks
“I am trying to find a salt mine so I get salt to buy food in Renie city, Prairie doesn’t have any food that my body can accept without destroying itself so I will starve if I stay here any longer.” I answered.
“Renie City? I was headed there as well ’ta sell grain ’n milk but the bridge to it is broken right now and we will have to wait one or two days for them to fix it.” Madison said.
“... Fuck” I said, Madison flinched at my use of words.
“Ya kiss ’yer mama with that mouth of yours!” Madison scolds me.
“The words out of my mouth are the least of your concerns, there’s gotta be another way around, although I can survive without food for two weeks, I wanted to eat something right now.” I said.
“Dunno about another way, unless you count the tunnel near the bridge.” she said.
“Well then the tunnel it is, do you know what’s inside the tunnel?” I ask
“It’s a salt mine though it’s been abandoned for quite sometime, it’s also dangerous in there, why not camp here with me, somebody might come in the morning to fix it.” she suggests.
“Nah I’ll go in there regardless, I have my trusty guns with me to blow their meat... that sounded wrong, also while you’re panicking you mentioned a young calf.” I said.
“That reminds me, before ’ya came there was a young calf who also wants ’ta go ’ta Renie City, but because the bridge is broken, ’Ah suggest she camp here with me, now she’s gone, ’Ah don’t know where she went but ’Ah think she went into the tunnel, I know she’s a tough young calf but I am worry for her safety.” she said.
“If it makes you feel any easier, I'll go make sure she’s ok.” I said.
“Thank ’ya kindly mister, stay safe in there.” she said.
“Thanks for the concern, see ya.” I said as I walk to the tunnel, waving my hand goodbye at her.
ABANDONED CAVE
I went inside the tunnel, it was surprisingly lit for an abandoned salt mine, I begin exploring the mine, walking left and right, I found nothing, I kept walking around.
Here's a fun fact, I don't fucking like mazes, it's annoying and an obstacle that requires luck and memory, and lady lucky fucking hates me.
I decided to go gather water, there's alot of water in this mine.
While I was gathering water I hear a voice.
“Hey! What are ’yer, you look like a monkey!” a young female voice said.
Turning around to the direction of the voice I saw a young calf wearing a rag around her neck, probably the one Madison was talking about, I was about double the height with her, she looks at me with furrowing her brows at me, she looks at me with a fierce glare, that doesn't seem welcoming to me.
“I am a human, just trying to get some water in this stupid cave.” I answered her looking at her with a bored expression.
“These caves are filled with preds, are you a predator, do you eat meat?” she questions me.
“Well yes bu-” I was cut off.
“Then ’yer a predator, that means Ah’m going to have to take ’yer out!” she said, going into a fighting stance.
From my time with Texas I know cattlekind are pretty strong, strong enough to fucking blow my brains out of my skull in one hit, she doesn't look like the one to listen, so I going to have to fight her.
I breath in “There’s no other way to solve this peacefully is it?” I sighed “Before I inevitably beat your literal fucking cow girl yeehaw ass into high noon, what’s your name?” I ask, she flinched from my use of profanity.
“A-Airzona.” she answers.
“Dave.” I replied back.
The Gunslinger vs A Literal Cow Girl
“This is stupid.” i said in annoyance.
“What? Afraid to get your monkey butt sent back to the jungle?” she tenses with a mocking face.
“I will send you to cattle Jesus.” I said with my best asian accent I could make as I settle into my own fighting stance.
We stand there for a few moments, she made her first move.
Out of fucking nowhere she pulls a lasso out of her ass, twist it, and hurled it at me, I quickly move out of the way.
“Darn it! Ah missed!” she bemoaned to herself before snapping the rope back to her. “yer pretty fast” she said.
“Your probably just to fucking slow, lose some weight.” I mocked her.
She was mad, she glare at me with fury and i think i could see smoke coming out of her nose, she is readying a charge.
“Slow?! Ah’ll show ’yer sl-”
Before she could do anything I quickly holster up my pistol, preloaded with rubber bullets and shot her in one of her forelegs. She screams in pain as she falls over.
“What in Foenum is this!?” She yells. “Ah don’t know what ’yer did but it ain’t stopping me.” as she tries to stand up only to fall over again after I shot her again in her other foreleg.
“Argh!” she exclaims. “Will ’yer stop that!?”
“Only if you use your yeehaw fucking brain of yours so we could talk like fucking brits drinking their tea.” I ask her.
“Ah’ll never surrender to a predator like ’yer!” she growls at me and again tries to stand up.
I was getting more annoyed, I sighed. “Well you leave me no choice, just so you know you asked for it cattle bitch.” I said as I switch my pistol to my AK47, load it with a mag of lethal bullets and fired at both of her hindlegs.
Her screams of pain is deafening and can probably be heard outside the entrance of the cave. She falls over again, hissing in pain, both her hindlegs have a bullet shot each seeping blood.
She can't hurt me in her state, so I should be safe from a messy death. I'll patch her up with the first-aid kit later, I am not that heartless to leave her here, even though she tried to kill me.
“Remember this day, do not fuck with the guy who owns guns, and we are going to talk whether you like it or not.” I said as I walk up and crouch down infront of her.
She tries to punch me but it was weak, she is still resisting.
“You know that I could’ve kill you by aiming for your head in-between your eyes, which will make a hole in your head as your brains fly everywhere.” I nonchalantly said.
She went wide eyed, she looked at her wound, seeing it she gulps as she imagine what would happen if it was at her head.
“I am not some vicious predator, I am a human, and I just want to find a way home.” I said sadly at the last part, alone in this world that I don't understand, ripped away from my friends and family, alone with no one to lend on.
She looks at me, she seems to be contemplating, she sighed as she finally said. “Fine, Ah’ll heard ’yer out, it’s not like Ah’ve much of a choice.”
“Good, now we will play a game, I ask a question, you’ll answer, and if you ask a question, I’ll answer.”
She nodded. “Sure... Ah’ll play this game of ’yer.”
“Ok first question why are you in this abandoned salt mine and why are you here anyway, shouldn’t you be with your parents?” I ask her.
“Well Ah was chosen to be The Champion of The Prairie for The Council Call, ah was the sole volunteer, at first ’mah Pa didn’t like it one bit, but with ’mah Ma blessin’, Pa soon allows.” she answers.
“The Council Call?” I question.
“The Council of Ungulates, ’yer didn’t know?” she ask confused.
“Well excuseeee me, I just got here. It’s not my fault that I was forced away from home, I am alone, I don’t have anyone to count one, no way to contact friends and family to make I am ok, they’re definitely worried sick.” I ranted to her.
After my rant, she looked like she felt pretty damn bad about her first assumptions.
“Ah’m sorry about that mister, ’ah didn’t know.” she apologises.
“Accepted and I am sorry about shooting your legs, but I have to. I know how strong you Cattlefolks are and the human body is the equivalent of glass, one hit then I was dead, and I am not ready to die yet.”
“That fragile?” She asked surprisingly.
“Yes that fragile, also it’s your turn” I responded.
“Ok, where are ’yer from? ’yer something Foenum has never seen before” She asks.
“I am from the United States of America, land of the free, Chicago.”
“Ah never heard of such a place.”
“Of course you don’t, because it was from another world, I was just cleaning stuff in my shed when suddenly my entire shed with me inside ends up in Prairie.”
She looks at me with a shock look. “Yer an alien!?” she shouts trying to point her hoof at me.
“To put it short, yes” but then something clicked in my head, I feel a bit of dread.
“It’s my turn to question, I am afraid to ask but do you happen to be related to Texas and Minnesota by any chance?” I asked her with sweat dripping from my head in nervousness.
She was surprised. “How did ’yer know ’mah Pa and Ma name’s?” she asks.
...OH SHIT, SHE THEIR DAUGHTER!?
“OH FUCK!” she jumped at my sudden yell. “Your their daughter!?” I stand up and pace around panicking. “Oh fuck Texas is going get on my fucking ass if he finds out and he is going to bury me six feet under!” I panicky said.
I put down my bag to take out my first-aid kit to treat her but before I could do that.
“What the?” I said.
A dark purple mist came out of nowhere and surrounds us, they soon form into dark purple colored wolfs with bright red eyes, I don't think they even have any pupils. They surround us, growling at us.
“Uh... nice doggies?” I said nervously
“Predators!” She shouts, looking around us.
“Ok, you know what they’re go deal with them!” I said to her.
She deadpan me, then looks at her hindlegs then back to me. Well shit.
I face palm. “Oh wait I have a gun.”
I quickly get into a gun stance and started firing at them, taking them out one by one in one shot, some try to pounce on me but I quickly shot them before they got closer, dissipating into nothing but smoke. I begun to feel the adrenaline as I laugh like a maniac.
“AHHH HAHA I AM GIVING ’YER ALL TICKETS TO SEE FURRY JESUS!” I quickly reload.
Arizona just watches in shock as I tear them apart without any effort.
Soon there are predators no more as I sent them to Jesus.
I turn back into a bored expression, I put away my AK47, I picked up all my magazines and bullet cases on the ground, pick up my backpack and carry it on my left hand, walked up to her and carry her on my back.
“Ok we are getting out of here so I can treat your wounds, cling your hooves around my shoulders, just don’t try to snap my neck, if you do you would probably be left alone unable to move until you die of blood loss or ambush by predators, and I won’t let it happen, mostly because I respected Texas, your father.” I said to her.
“O-oh ok” she stutters as she clings her forelegs around my shoulders and neck.
“Also Texas says ‘How are ’yer’, he ask me to say this to you, clearly you are not fine since I shot you on both of your hindlegs.” I relay my promise to Texas.
She rolls her eyes “Ha ha, very funny.” she sarcastically replies.
We both immediately went off, trying to find that fucking exit out of this fuckin maze.
Fun.
End
Until next time in: The Pew Pew Guy vs A Narcissistic BitchDeer
