Something Completely Different
Ican’t believe I left the library in the hooves of Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle thought to herself. There had been a science fair at the town hall today, and she hadn’t been able to resist. Unfortunately, new laws required the habitually unused library to hold regular hours of operation, and none of her friends had been able to help her out; none except Rainbow Dash.
Now the tree library was in a state of total disarray, as if several small tornadoes had passed by. They probably had.
The high-strung unicorn shook her head in frustration and walked up to one of the many piles of books. They were covered in some foreign substance. Glad I don’t pay taxes.
“Hey Spike, hand me a mroob,” Twinkle Spinkle requested, with the absence of courtesy that comes from familiarity.
“Wouldn’t you rather use a dunlap,” the little dragon sassed.
“Actually, that does touch me in the aardvark,” she agreed. “Make it so.”
Spike passed it into her waiting hoof and she immediately dropped it. Dunlaps cannot be operated with hooves. Realizing her mistake, it was instead grasped with the delicate touch of unicorn magic. While she was dunlapping away, Zecora the zeeber stuck her head through the doorway.
“I was having texas toast with Raymond the ghost, then he gave a yelp that you might soon need help,” she proudly rhymed. Her years of speech therapy had certainly paid off, that was in no doubt.
Twinkle narrowed her eyes. “No ziggers alloweded.”
With a gulp, the zeeber prudently left to instead purchase a new diffendoofer.
Seeking some small comfort for her nerves, the librarian turned to her number-one assistant. “This is all getting to my head. Recite for me, Spike.”
Knowing what was up, he got into proper posture and began, “ A small cereal-spilling snake slithered straight south. Friendly fire-flamingos followed from far, facing forward. Suddenly sour, scant snake seeked some strife. Is that a new blazer, the snake asked. No, I won it in a contest.”
“Aww yeah, that’s the trick,” slurred Twinkle as she slumped into a chair. The sound waves almost made her orgasm on the spot. Her eyes were closed in bliss, and she sucked on her hoof as if it were comfortable.
Now’s my chance, Spike the cramped dragon realized. Sure that Twinkle was not looking, he licked his scaly armpit. The urge had been nagging at him all day, like a retarded puppy.
Unbeknownst to him, Fluttershy had witnessed the whole thing from the window. She sometimes did that when her loneliness became too much to bear. Then she realized this was her chance and burst through the window, shards of glass flying everywhere.
Fluttershy flew up his ass.
The sound of shattering glass caused Twinkle to leap some feet in the air. “Spike, you murdered Fluttershy!”
“Eh, God’s got a sick sense of humor,” he merely replied, shrugging his shoulders. He was still a baby dragon and didn’t understand these sort of matters.
Twinkle bawled her eyes out. She put them back in their sockets before speaking, “Oh Spike, why? Why did you do this to me?! Now I have to report you to the police!”
“Wait Twinkle, no! We can work something out!” he cried while itching his bothered bum.
“I don’t see how! My best friend -that isn’t Rarity- is dead and my sonbrother is a cold-blooded killer!” she cried.
“I can’t help that, I’m a reptile! But we can still fix this, let’s come up with a plan.” Spike held up his hands in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. (It was actually sign language for ‘please rape my grandmother.’)
Calming down, she sniffled and expressed agreement. Magicking a pair of scissors, she cut a gash in her left foreleg and inserted some seeds in the wound.
“Ok, now we just have to wait for these ideas to grow,” she announced, wincing a bit from the throbbing pain.
They gazed in anticipation as blood trickled down her leg, heads drawing slowly closer.
Suddenly with a thunderous crackle, the seed sprouted into a rapidly expanding papaya tree. It shot out of Twinkle and ripped her foreleg almost completely open, gore splattering heavy on their faces, her veins hanging like a loose thread. The whole growth took about four seconds and left the unicorn’s left leg eviscerated. Good thing she doesn’t use it for writing.
Twinkle was squealing in pain, but Spike ignored her and examined the tree. It had broken through the roof and looked to be even taller than their tree library, moss already covering the gnarled bark. The papaya fruit were each about the size of his head, filled with the knowledge and secrets he would have to acquire if he was to avoid incarceration.
His sistermom pleaded for help, flesh flapping raggedly off the bone, as Spike began his ascent up the tree but once again he ignored her. He was now a seasoned murder, after all. The bark had not yet hardened and was easy to sink his claws into, but he kept a steady pace nonetheless. I wonder how the tree feels about it, he mused before shaking his head in disgust. He was not about to become some kind of hippy.
The steps quickly faded into each other and before he knew it, the little dragon had reached the top. He let loose a guttural roar, but refrained from pounding his chest. That was the kind of shit Rainbow Dash would do, and Spike sometimes feared he was becoming too much like her. Almost as if he was turning into her...
Feeling rather anxious, he reached for the nearest papaya but paused. No good, this one has a tumorous growth on it. Instead, he grabbed the next one over and cracked it like a goose egg.
A faint voice rang out, and he had to strain his ears in order to hear it.
It said, “The best advice is always held by a loved one. Seek your Rarity for the solution you seek.” Before his eyes, the papaya pieces disintegrated to dust and blew away in the wind.
Just what he had hoped to hear. The mini-quest over, his thoughts turned back to the state he had left Twinkle in. He felt like he was the london bridge. Spike mumbled to himself and grabbed a leafy green in his tiny claws.
It functioned well as a parachute and he sailed smoothly down, calling out, “Don’t you die on me, you haven’t made your peace!”
Luckily, Twinkle was completely healed when he arrived. At his questioning, she stated, “I’m the fucking element of magic. What did you expect?” She stomped off to her room in angst.
“Whatever. I need to go see Rarity.”
Any time with Rarity was well-spent so he tried to get to Carousel Boutique as fast as he could, but the buildings were out of line. One made a rude comment to him as he passed and Spike considered adding arson to his list of crimes. However, just as he was about to give into temptation and engulf it in glorious flames, a police pony on patrol approached.
“Hey! Just what do ya think you’re doing there, kiddo?” the brown earth pony interrogated in Irish accent, adjusting his police cap.
Not wanting his other crimes to be revealed, Spike nervously answered the truth, “Uh, this building was making inappropriate gestures at me so I wanted to burn it.”
The police-pony tutted in sympathy. “I know how ya feel son, but listen, you can’t just go around burning them. The best we can do is make public service announcements about it.”
“Aww okay,” Spike said, doing a poor job of hiding his disappointment. It did not go unnoticed.
“Though it ain’t illegal to spread rumors about them, either,” Police-pony added with a wink.
Encouraged, he asked, “So where do I go to get into those PSAs?”
“I hear the group was organized by Applejack, she lives on Sweet Apple Acres.”
“Oh cool, I’m friends with her!” Spike blurted.
“Well, off you go then. Change the world like the brave soul you are.” :)
Spike worked his little feet as hard as he could sprinting to Sweet Apple Acres, but the buildings were still somewhat out of order so he kept getting lost. The sun was going down in both Equestria and his mood when Spike finally arrived. Oh, I hope I didn’t miss the meeting, he fretted.
Those fears were set to rest (The funeral will be Tuesday, formal attire not required) as he saw ponies walking into AJ’s barn. Spike followed suit and gasped at the makeshift stage before him, there was even a costume rack to the left. Quickly checking a script, it was confirmed that the ponies’ PSA was going to be in the form of a play.
Spike left before anyone recognized him. He was not going to be involved in anymore dramatic reproductions, not after the paparazzi incident.
Now he remembered his journey to find Rarity. Walking out the farm’s gate, he noticed someone had left a mule on the side of the road, so Spike road it to Carousel Boutique. It wouldn’t shut up at first, but he gave it a swift kick in the pants and made the trip in record time. He was a hardened felon now so it didn’t bother him.
Reaching his one true destination, Spike hopped off the mule and it floated away (balloon-style). He dramatically kicked the door open. It didn’t budge and he grabbed his tiny foot in pain.
“Shheeeeeett!” the exasperated dragon exclaimed. He then tried it again with a running start and met success.
Success screamed in terror and dropped the dress she had been purchasing. She bolted past Spike and galloped out the door. Probably to the iced cream parlor, she had been packing on the pounds lately. Her job as a telemarketer was very stressful and food helped ease the ole nerves.
“Dammit Spike, I’m trying to run a business here!” shouted Rarity from behind the sales counter.
It crushed his heart, but Spike knew the situation had called for it. He frantically filled the sexy mare in on recent events, leaving out the part where he had violated a mailbox.
“Oh Spikey-wikey, she’s not dead. Even the most basic understanding of anatomy should tell you that,” Rarity laughed and went to her storage room. A few moments later, she came back levitating the biggest pear of tweezers Spike had ever seen.
He hesitantly asked, “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Those are huge and made of pears.”
“Nothing to worry about, dear. These have been magically altered for this type of circumstance. Pears are especially conductive to magic, you know.”
Spike just mumbled, “Twinkle hasn’t taught me that yet.” He looks at YOU, "I will kill your firstborn"
“Don’t blink now,” the fashionista said as she got to work.
She gently inserted her device inside of Spike and wiggled it around a bit. He relaxed his tense muscles and imagined it was Celestia. His little dragon penis was doing a little dance.
“Ooh, I’ve got a grip on her!” the unicorn squealed and began to pull out, cooing in delight.
Grasped by the hind leg, out of his rectum came a sleeping Fluttershy. She jolted awake as she hit the the floor of the boutique, yelping “Aaaahh!”
“Fluttershy, Fluttershy, it’s only us,” Rarity soothed as she tamed the beast. “Now, what were you doing in Spikey’s asshole? The poor dear thought he had murdered you!”
Flutters hid behind her mane and replied, “Sorry for the trouble. It’s just that one day I got a good look at it, Spike, and absolutely had to. It’s all I dreamt of ever since.”
“Hmm, and how was your experience?” Rarity was always ready to followed the latest trends.
“Oh, Spike’s rectum is the most comfy, cozy spot ever! So warm!” she enthused.
Spike blushed at the compliment. “Shucks.”
They all had a good laugh about it, and went to Six Flags together because the weather was just right for that sort of thing.
