You're too nice, Derpy!

by TheFVguy

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Flash Sentry, Slice of Life, Doctor Whooves, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Dinky Hooves, Carrot Top
Length: 4171

A royal guard expected his usual loneliness from his leave from duty. Until an unexpected visit from Ponyville's klutzy mailpony changed his world.

How many years has it been since I joined the military?

I don't know. I lost count. When you feel like you wasted your whole life, you lose your sense of time-- what's sad is that the more you enjoy it, the faster time goes by.

I thought the rest of my time on Equus would be exactly as I described, until she came into the picture.

Original cover art by Imalou

Published 2023-06-19 07:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-19 07:20:01 UTC

Family

I remember the words my mom said when I received that letter: “You got accepted into the Royal Guard?! Thank Celestia for this blessing! Your dad would have been very proud!”

Looking back, I’m starting to think it’s the best mom passed away a few months later. She wouldn’t have known how meaningless being a Royal Guard is.

A Royal Guard is highly esteemed for tradition-driven pegasus families. A way to honor our warrior ancestral roots. My grandfathers were guards and so was my uncle. My dad couldn’t; his left wing had to be amputated because of a childhood accident. He hoped I would follow in my grandpa’s footsteps and achieve what he couldn’t.

Well, Dad, I did it. And you’re not missing much.

Being a Royal Guard today might as well be the equivalent of having a chihuahua for a guard dog. We may seem ferocious and brave, but one kick with zero effort and its lights out. Our spears’ threat level might as well be equal to a toothpick. Every villain and creature that wishes harm on Equestria is not taken care of by us but by the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Ever since they came into the picture, all the major events were handled by them, and us? We’re flicked till we all fall like dominos.

When I joined the military I hoped that I would accomplish something! Saving a town or protecting the princesses, but even they don’t need to be saved! They control the sun and moon for goodness’ sake, what’s the point of having a military in the first place?! I never wanted fame or credibility, but can I have something at least that proves all that hard work wasn’t for nothing? I’m in my 20s and should have achieved great things by now! Just how my dad wanted for me!

I joined the military to be somebody — a pony that can stretch his wings and be remembered as a hero. Instead, I became an easy obstacle for both villains and heroes. Nothing but cannon fodder.

Yup, that’s the life of the Royal Guard.

Today

My body jumped briefly as I felt the train stop at its last destination. Ponyville, “the friendliest city in Equestria,” where everyone is everyone’s friend as most would say. Stepping out of the train, I see my brothers in arms being welcomed by their wives, children, mothers, and friends.

While they were sharing stories, I was already walking home.

Alone.

Between two homes with sounds of celebration welcoming back soldiers, was a house decorated in shades of blue. Home sweet home.

“Just get your headphones and relax. Everything is going to be fine,” I lied to myself. I’ve been in this position so many times, my leave becomes just as routine as my life on duty.

Unexpectedly, as if Celestia herself was toying with me, something broke this miserable formula. At first, I thought it was the neighbors or a strange bird. Until I saw a shadow looming over me that I realized it was a grey pegasus descending towards me.

CRASH

Now, in boot camp we are taught there are only two figures in battle. The enemy and you. What they failed to account for was the third party. The one who will swing their weapon in panic with their eyes shut until both are down for the count. That third party perfectly describes chaos theory and its ponification: Ditzy Doo, AKA, “Derpy.”

Struggling to keep my vision straight, a pleading dizzy mare and flying letters greeted me. “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! Please forgive me and take this collection of free stamps!”

“I-I’m fine! I don’t even have anybody to send mail to. You’re too nice!” I tried to explain nervously. Before I could tell Miss Doo the usual ‘Be careful next time’, I was greeted again by her unconscious body collapsing on me. That crash seemed to have hurt her more than it did me.

If there’s one thing that bothered me more than my career and spicy food, it’s a stranger resting on my couch. As anyone could have guessed, my level of sociability is as high as a thumbtack on the floor. So, I would gladly trade for having to hear my neighbors partying at night than a mare in my house. Then again, I couldn’t just leave her outside.

“WOO! That was a tough one!” Miss Doo exclaimed, jolting up from her sleep and scaring the crap out of me. “Normally I don’t knock myself out like that — you must have a thick skull.”

“W-well, I was famous for surviving head injuries back at boot camp,” I said, startled.

“You’re a Royal Guard?!” She began shaking my hoof relentlessly, “Thank you so much for your service!”

“Y-yeah, n-no p-problem!”

After finally giving my arm a break she started peeking into every nook and cranny of my home. “Wow! I’m in the house of a Royal Guard! I love your place! It’s so clean and,” she pauses looking for the right word, “simple!”

“I think the word you’re looking for is basic or bland,” I stated bluntly. “Anyway, I’m glad to see you’re ok. Here’s your mail bag and hat; have a great day, Miss Doo!”

As I kept the door open for her she stared at me puzzled, “How did you know my name?”

“Almost everyone in town knows, you’re our klutzy mailpony.”

Her eyes were wide as plates and sparkled in amazement, “Sweet Celestia, I'm that famous!? I had no idea! I can’t wait to tell Dinky when I pick her up from school!”

‘Infamous to be more accurate’, I thought but didn’t have the guts to say. Not going to lie, her excitement made me chuckle a bit. I never pictured her having a daughter or that she was this innocent-sounding.

“You should move on, you don’t wanna miss any mail, right?”

“Oh gosh, you’re right!” Before I could say goodbye, she flew faster than I could see. Looking outside, she was already with the clouds. If I were her I would have signed up for the Wonderbolts with that level of speed. Must be awful having to live through being just a mailpony.

Oh well, back to the routine. Might as well make some tea.

2 days later

There was a knock at the door. My door. That’s rare. It’s probably either an annoying salesman or a fellow soldier calling for me to return because of a sudden attack. That would suck cause the princesses only need to call the Bearers for that.

But thankfully, it wasn’t either of them. It was something completely unexpected.

“Good afternoon, sir!” Miss Doo exclaimed, saluting me while a picnic basket hung in her mouth.

“Good afternoon, and you don’t have to salute me. Did you forget anything?” I awkwardly asked.

“Nope. Dinky has a play date today and Carrot Top is out with family, so I decided to spend my day off with you!” she playfully exclaimed.

“Uh…” I couldn’t put into words what was happening in front of me. The only thing I could spit out was, “I don’t like eating outside.”

“That’s ok! We can just eat here! Mmm, do I smell tea?” She casually walked into my house and started placing food on my main table. “Muffin?”

What is going on?

“Sure, thanks,” I uttered, bewildered. We’re doing this now, I guess. She brought with her all kinds of snacks: apples, carrots, cookies, and loads of muffins. All this for the two of us? This mare is too nice for a pony she just met.

As she started enjoying her first muffin she started talking about her day. I don’t remember the last time someone properly talked to me, but it’s nice. “You wouldn’t believe what happened yesterday. When I told Dinky what you told me, she started bragging to all her friends at school that her mom was famous. Unfortunately, it didn’t go well,” she said nervously. “Not a lot of ponies like me as their mailpony. I misdelivered a lot of mail and kept crashing into ponies on the way. Dinky actually got made fun of trying to pass me off as someone famous.”

Upon hearing that, I felt terrible. What were you thinking about telling her something like that? She goes through life as a mailpony trying to support a family and you leave her with this? ‘You’re awful, stupid, and should just keep your mouth shut,’ I keep telling myself.

I tried to apologize but was surprisingly interrupted by her snorting laugh. “Gosh, that was embarrassing. I guess I’ll have to do better at my job so Dinky won’t get made fun of.”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“No! Why would I be? I know you were being nice, anypony would be,” she exclaimed innocently, sipping her tea. How could she deal with this so casually?

“But you found out that some ponies don’t like you as their mailpony! Having that job must be difficult enough, right?”

“Being a mailpony isn’t difficult at all! I love my job! So what if some don’t like me? I can take some comments now and then— I’ll deliver the mail better next time! What's so hard about that?” she explained happily, munching on what might be her fourth muffin.

My face twisted into a confused look. “Your cutie mark isn’t a bunch of letters. Why did you decide to be a mailpony in the first place?”

I noticed her expression change into an embarrassed wince, “Long story short: I originally tried to be a WonderBolt, but my eyes started developing a condition at a young age that severely damaged my performance. I got better though, thanks to special training! I even applied to Wonderbolt Academy! But then Dinky came along…” I noticed her fidgeting and a light frown across her face that spoke 1000 words. “I didn’t have time to practice or attend the academy. I needed to work and thankfully my dad knew somepony in the post office, so I’ve been working there ever since.”

There was a sad silence between us. I had no idea Miss Doo had gone through so much pain. “But it’s ok!” she shouted, breaking the silence. “Ever since Dinky was born I had no idea I had such amazing friends. Carrot Top, Doctor Hooves, Amethyst Star; so many incredible ponies that I love like family. Honestly, I feel like the luckiest pony in all of Equestria!”

There was a warm glow that I felt radiating from her eyes. Sometimes I forget when those bearers are busy solving problems and saving Equestria, there’s always something beautiful happening in the background.

“I-I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

“Oh, it’s fine! I love being a mailpony like how you love being a Royal Guard!” she exclaimed. Oh, if only she knew. “Unless I’m wrong?”

“Huh?”

“You looked kind of sad when I said that. Hope I didn’t bring up any bad memories,” Miss Doo said sympathetically.

A part of me wanted to tell her how being a Royal Guard is a joke. Another wanted her gone so I could go back to my familiar isolation. And another just needed more time.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” I replied. Despite avoiding topics about me, we talked almost all day. Mostly about her old life in Cloudsdale and our experiences being pegasi living in Ponyville. Apparently, she won first place in her elementary tournament as a filly, even beating the famous Rainbow Dash! That’s something her daughter should brag about!

We waved each other goodbye as I closed the door. I guess I made a new friend out of nowhere. Honestly, why did she bother spending time with me? I hope she’s not doing this because I look lonely. The last thing I want is to be a burden to nice ponies like her.

Just then I heard a knock on the door. Opening it up, I found the same dazed mare. “Hey, this is pretty embarrassing but I did forget something after all! What’s your name?”

Oh yeah, I never gave her my name. “Flash. Flash Sentry.”

“Well, it’s great to meet you, Flash! See you next time!” she said as she flew away. Something about what she said made me feel warm.

“Next time,” I said. “That would be great.”

3 weeks later

Derpy and I have been spending a lot of time together since then. She occasionally brings me along with her friend group and daughter. I feel like a cactus in the Arctic whenever I'm near them. But they always welcome me and sometimes I hang out with them on my own. It’s been a while since I noticed my room was not as clean as it used to be.

For today, I decided to try having a picnic for the first time in years. The sugary scent in the air, the nice breeze, and the right amount of sun to warm your heart. Never noticed how beautiful Ponyville was.

“Ah, Faash?” Derpy asked, her mouth full of muffins.

“What’s up?”

She looked in every direction (literally), and after swallowing her last muffin, she began fidgeting her hooves together. I know this tick of hers all too well. “I know you don’t like talking about it, but I really want to know: are you happy being a Royal Guard?”

Whenever this is brought up, I always found a way to avoid it. But this beautiful day distracted me from coming up with ideas. Darn you Ponyville, and your hometown beauty!

“I just want to know if my friend is feeling ok,” she pleaded.

I’m going, to be honest, Derpy is not the brightest in certain places, but if there was a Ph.D. program in catching emotions, she would have graduated in less than a year.

I sighed and for the first time in my life, I told someone the truth. At first, she was confused the more I told her; I mean, what kind of pony would see working for the military as a joke?

“So you wanted to join because you thought it would make you famous?”

“Not exactly. I just wanted to prove to my dad that I can be a hero like my whole family. I wanted to make my dad proud.”

“Any good dad will always be proud of you! No matter what!”

“I- uh…” She’s right. I remembered how my dad always said he was proud of me. No matter what I became, even if I decided to go down the road I wanted in the first place. But he would have been more proud of me seeing me now as a Royal Guard, right?

“What did you do before joining the military?” she asked me as if she could read my mind. I never told anybody about this, not a single soul. I kept this within me because I thought nobody would care, but here in front of me is somepony willing to listen to me. And that’s a treasure some take leave for granted.

“I… I wanted to be a musician.”

My cutie mark might be a shield, but I always liked to think the thunderbolt across its design symbolizes my love for the electronic guitar. When my parents took me to a fair, I remember when they announced the invention for the first time. I was mesmerized by its loud noise and rhythmic shockwave; it was like witnessing an orchestra performed by thunderclouds! I knew in my heart that I wanted to play one!

When I told my dad this, he signed me up for guitar lessons and we both bonded over how I played his favorite tunes.

I loved the guitar; I wanted to play at concerts and make it big. Be like my idols such as Purple Haze and Heart Box. But, my mom hated it. I remembered both of them screaming at each other one night over my future. My mom wanted me to join the military, to do what my dad couldn’t. She wouldn’t have a pegasus wasting his wings on strings for a son.

When my dad passed away, she took my guitar, the one my dad got for me on his last Hearth's Warming Eve. She convinced, or scared me, that being a musician is too risky and most musicians who make it big die before they hit 40. I never got that guitar back. My mother always told me that I was doing this for Dad, to make him proud. Or at least that’s what she made me tell myself.

“Your dad would have been very proud!,” was what she told me the day I got accepted. And I believed her.

I felt like a pile of garbage having dumped all this on Derpy on this lovely day. Which was why her hug was the last thing I anticipated. “I don’t know what your mom was thinking. But I think your dad was already proud of you the moment you were born.”

That was the first time I cried in front of somebody other than my parents. Derpy, you’re too nice.

4 months later

Today was also the first time I had ponies waiting for me when I arrived back home from duty. Derpy, her daughter, and Carrot Top were all there with a big sign saying my name. Can’t believe it’s only been a few months since that mare crashed on my head. Dinky started calling me “Uncle Sentry.” I didn’t know how to feel about that. Made me feel old.

After a very tight group hug, Carrot handed me a gift. Just by its shape, I was already in shock. It was an electric guitar.

8 months later

I’m out of breath and I feel like I’m going to die. It’s my first “concert.” And by that, I mean one where the audience is filled with fillies and colts.

It was hard searching for a good rock song without any swearing or suggestive themes, but thankfully I found a few with the help of Doc. He has a surprisingly huge library of music. Some are from bands and musicians I never heard of. From an outsider’s perspective, you might think he’s from another world.

The audience is chanting my name. Here we go!

1 year later

The massive crowd was cheering and screaming. I saw smiles all over them, shouting my name. Never would I have seen myself playing in front of a huge crowd. Well, I’m only playing for the whole town, but who cares?!

Now, for the moment I’ve been waiting for my whole life!

“THIS NEXT SONG GOES OUT TO THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!” I screamed into the mic while pointing at the sky, “MY DAD, WHO INTRODUCED ME TO ROCK, AND MY BEST FRIEND, DITZY DOO! WHO BELIEVED IN ME FROM THE VERY START!”

I raised my pick till it reached the heavens and was ready to strike it down to unleash my original creation.

6 Years Later

Duty calls. There’s been a sighting of a powerful volcanic-looking monster on the outskirts of the Crystal Empire and every guard stationed there is reported to head back immediately.

Despite all these years, I still see being a Royal Guard as a joke. I know the bearers are going to save Equestria’s butts anyway, especially with ancient heroes and the Lord of Chaos on our side. Although over the years, I’ve seen more creatures outside of Equestria showing up. Never in a million years have I imagined seeing a yak save Ponyville. It feels like this kingdom— no, the whole world is on the brink of a new era.

I told my friends I’m planning to retire. Carrot and her fiancé thought I was still too young to retire, while Doc and Amethyst told of an old record store that was looking for a new owner. Derpy and her daughter are just excited I’ll be around more.

Derpy, once again, you’re too nice.

10 years later

It’s Dinky Doo’s high school graduation. She might not be my daughter, but I cried seeing her on that stage carrying that diploma with her.

As for me, I’ve been in charge of Sentry Records for a while now. It's not a massive store brand or anything, just a cute little shop in Ponyville that sells records from across music history. It brings me so much joy to see kids buy the classics. Even if they call it “vintage,” which I hate. A lot.

Time goes so much faster when you're older than 30.

25 Years Later

We’re making the final preparation for Derpy’s retirement surprise party, entirely organized by yours truly! With some help from Miss Pie and her fiancé; organizing a party was harder than I thought.

After years of studying, she finally got a master’s in education and is going to become a teacher at Wonderbolt Academy! She’s going to help students with disabilities like hers and help them to become true Wonderbolts. With that, she decided to finally retire from the post office!

I’ve never been so proud of her and I hope this party turns out well. We’ve been friends for Celestia knows how long. I don’t think I would be where I am today if it wasn’t for her. I’m so grateful for everything she’s done for me; I wanted to give something in return.

And I don’t think this party is enough to show my gratitude.

She’s a great friend, a wonderful mom, and an all-around good pony. I hope she stays with us for as long as time marches forward.

46 Years Later

Today is the worst day of my life.

My best friend is gone.

……

….

..

46 Years and 5 Months later

I just want my best friend back…

47 Years Later

Something I forgot to mention was the day I officially met Derpy was also my birthday. I didn’t tell her that exact day cause my birthday was usually like any other. Nothing special to write home about. You become older and that’s that.

She changed that. Now, my birthday meant more than just getting older. It was the day I started living.

I’m 72 now. The shop’s been closed for a year and Doc, who looks great for his age, is letting me crash at his place. I don’t want to go back to that empty house. I didn’t know how to celebrate my birthday without her.

As I was walking down the stairs from my room I heard some muttering coming from Doc’s living room. When I went further down, I was greeted by everyone. Dinky was there with her partner and kids. Doc and Roseluck were holding a cake. Carrot and her large family were there. Amethyst Star with her students. All of them yelled:

“SURPRISE! Happy Birthday, Flash Sentry!”

Loud confetti cannon rang through my ears and streamers rained down from the ceiling. We were all chatting about how much the world has changed and there were even some creatures I didn’t recognize who came over just to wish me well. They were fans of my early music and even wanted my autograph, which I never got used to.

I’ll confess: before I met Derpy I thought I was going to die alone. Forgotten and with no one there to grieve me. When she passed away, those feelings crawled back into my consciousness. I wasted a whole year being miserable. But the moment I took a bite out of that delicious cake. I felt my eyes become misty and then I saw tears fall onto my cake slice.

I realized I wasn’t alone. I never was.

These friends, this family. They took me in without question. Without hope, I would be something for them. They were there when I cried, when I laughed, and when I felt like I had no one.

My crowd was cheering “Play! Play! Play!” And so, I stood on top of my chair, with the same guitar she gifted me that day at the station, I was ready to unleash my original creation one more time. “This one is called ‘Ditzy Eyed Mare’”

Have you ever truly felt alone to the point where you hugged your clothes from your closet, pretending they were friends? Well, don’t be afraid of putting yourself out there. Go out and spend time with the people around you. You’ll never know who might be your Ditzy Doo. Cause even in death, she keeps on giving.

…

You’re too nice, Derpy.

Author's Note

I wrote this piece for a fanzine, Equestria Escapades. I think it's time I posted it here, I have a whole bunch of fics I wrote but haven't posted them yet because of fear they wouldn't get any attention.
I think I'm going to stop thinking that way. You only live once right? Get all your stuff out there before you die, lol.