Dirty Hoofgarian Phrase Book
"My Nipples Explode with Delight!"
Mr. Kardos took a deep breath of contentment as he stared out the window at the passing scenery. The train from Canterlot to Ponyville was right on time, and he should be arriving shortly. Ever since arriving in Equestria from his home country of Hoofgaria, he'd seen many sights that had taken his breath away, but he, unfortunately, had been limited in his dealings with the natives, as he spoke not a word of the local language.
That was until he had met two Unicorn brothers while at the train station, who had sold him a phrasebook with easy lessons on how to communicate with shopkeeps and merchants, thus assuring him of a much richer experience! He smiled as he patted the book lodged firmly in his vest pocket, nearly bursting with anticipation to use it at his first opportunity!
As the train came to a stop, he quickly grabbed his luggage and made his way out onto the platform. Spying a waiting taxi, he trotted over and climbed inside. The driver pulling the taxi turned to him and said, "Where to, mac?"
Ah! His first chance! He quickly took out a full-color, illustrated map of Ponyville with all of the main attractions highlighted, opened his book, rifled through the pages until he found the proper phrase, then carefully enunciated, "Y... yew... haf... BEE... you.. ti..FULL...thighs!" then tapped the image of the Ponyville Inn and pointed down the street with a confident smile.
The driver stared fully at him. "What did you say?!"
Kardos cleared his throat and tried once more, this time with more emphasis. "YEW... H... HAV... bee... YOU TI FULL... THIGHS!" then pointed again.
The driver stared at him for a full minute, then turned and muttered to himself, "I always get the weirdos..." and then started off, making for the Inn.
Kardos leaned back in the cab and smiled, reassured his stay would be a pleasant one!
After getting settled in his room, (and enduring some unexplained hostility) he ventured out into the Town, armed with his camera, his map, and a positive attitude. He spent the next two hours strolling about snapping pictures, nodding politely to the natives, and taking his time sightseeing until his stomach started rumbling. He checked his map until he located one of the local sweet shops, then made his way there.
Once inside, he took a moment to savor the delicate aromas of the different local confections drifting through the air, so different from those of his home! Making his way to the counter, he was greeted by one of the natives. "Welcome to Sugarcube Corner! What may I get you?"
Kardos smiled and took out his book. There were soo many cakes, sweets, and confections to be had, he couldn't quite decide! But finally, he pointed to a pile of blueberry muffins, opened his book, and declared, "I... WEEL... not... bye...THEES... record..." he squinted at the page for a moment, then said, "... eet EEZ Scratched!"
Mr. Cake stared at him. "Excuse me, Sir?"
Kardos pointed at the muffins again and repeated himself: "Aye...WEEL not BYE," (point point) thees record...eet EEZ scratched!"
"Umm... 'muffins,' Sir?"
Kardos' eyes grew wide. "Yah! Ahem!" "Aye WEEL not BYE THEES MUFFINS...eet EEZ Scratched!"
Mr. Cake stared at him, then put a muffin in a bag and hoofed it over. "Will... that be all... Sir?"
Kardos flipped through his book, and then, making a 'drinking motion,' he said, "Mye... stage... STAGE... coach... EEZ... FULL... of... EELZ!"
Mr. Cake looked around, then picked up the coffee pot. "Umm... coffee, Sir?"
Kardos' eyes brightened as he smiled and pointed. "Yah, yah!" This was going so well! But now, he needed sugar and cream for his coffee.
"Doo... YEW... wah... WAHNT... to... COME.. back to MY... place? Bouncy, Bouncy!"
Mr. Cake's face flushed red. He stared at the cover of the "phrasebook" and said, "I...don't think you're using that book right..."
But Kardos kept reading. "EYE... am... NO... long... LONGER... INFECTED!"
Mr. Cake stood back and frowned. "That will be six bits please, Sir."
Uncertain, the tourist tried another phrase. "Would...YEW... PLEEZE... Fon... FONDLE... MY... Bu... BUTTOCKS?"
Mr. Cake looked around nervously at the other patrons, (who were staring with open mouths) then reached for the book and said, "May I?"
Kardos smiled and nodded. "Yah, yah!" and gave him his book.
Mr. Cake quickly flipped through the page, muttering to himself, "... six bits... six bits... six bits..." until he found the Hoofgarian phrase. He cleared his throat and said, "Anyádnak szamár arca van!" Kardos' eyes grew wide, and then he leaned over the counter and punched him!
The ponies waiting burst into a panic, and a few ran outside to get the authorities! Quickly finding a policepony, they rushed him inside! The policepony ran up to the counter and yelled, "Hey! What's going on?!"
Mr. Cake staggered to his hooves, holding his jaw. Pointing at the tourist, he said, "That crazy stallion hit me!"
The policepony rounded on Kardos. "Did you hit him?!"
Kardos quickly opened his book, pointed an accusing hoof at Mr. Cake, and angrily explained, "Drop your panties, I cannot wait until lunchtime!"
The police yelled, "That's it!" grabbed him in a headlock, and dragged him out!
Kardos loudly protested his innocence, yelling, "Oh! My nipples explode with delight!"
Several hours later, after Princess Twilight had been informed of the situation and had a chance to speak with the tourist, they all quickly got to the bottom of the problem. Apparently, he'd been the victim of another get-rich-quick scheme of the Flim-Flam brothers, who had sold him and other tourists phrasebooks of languages that they themselves did not know, in their typical fashion. After similar incidents were reported happening with other tourists across Equestria, the phrasebooks were confiscated and burned, with the exception of a few used as evidence against the brothers once they were caught.
But the Brothers had already fled Equestria and moved on to their latest scheme, which was to try and convince the residents of a small, out-of-the-way place called Krudge Town that they needed their services as "muscle" to make sure nothing happened to the merchants there.
It. Did not end well.
