Kirin Beans

by Raugos

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Kirins, Original Character
Length: 1012

Kirin coffee is the best there is. There is absolutely nothing suspicious about it.

Kirin coffee is the best there is.

There is absolutely nothing suspicious about it.

An entry for the A Thousand Words Contest II in the Comedy category.

Published 2023-06-23 16:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-23 16:30:02 UTC

Perfectly Normal

Keen Sight loved coffee.

Give him a nice, steaming mug of just about any kind of roast with a dash of caramel or cream in it and he’d be a happy stallion for the rest of the morning. He wasn’t picky.

That said, he could appreciate the variety and nuances of flavours that coffee beans possessed depending on their cultivars and processing. So, when the Kirins broke into the market about a moon ago with their own unique roast, he wasn’t surprised that the stuff went flying off the shelves.

That’s where Equestria’s Food and Candy Administration came in.

Like it or not, anything produced on that scale had to pass health and safety standards, so the FCA had sent an inspector to the production facility in the Peaks of Peril.

Unfortunately, upon his return, Greg had opted to merely scream about the awful quality of the product and fled without filing a report. Keen Sight knew his colleague; it was completely unlike Greg to be so crass and unprofessional, and he didn't want to assume that it was just a griffon thing or that he simply hated the flavour. Keen hadn’t gotten the chance to try Kirin coffee, but surely it couldn’t have been that bad.

So, Keen felt uniquely qualified and responsible when the FCA sent him to the Peaks of Peril the very next day to pick up where Greg had left off.

The train ride had been uneventful, and he was welcomed at the modest production facility with very little fanfare or panic. If they were surprised by the repeat inspection, they didn’t show it. That was good. And they even gave him a free sample!

With his clipboard, pen and coffee mug in his horn’s magical grip, Keen happily trotted along as the foremare, Autumn Blaze showed him around.

“And this is where our employees pack the beans!” Autumn gestured at several Kirin funnelling beans from a silo into gunny sacks.

Keen nodded as he scribbled away. He had to dock points for the lack of uniforms or proper work outfits, but at least that was balanced out by the universal capacity for magic amongst the Kirin. They didn’t need to touch anything with their hooves or mouths.

He took a sip of coffee and smacked his lips.

Oh yeah, that’s the stuff…

It had a rich, smoky flavour with faint, spicy notes that prickled on his tongue like pop rocks. There was also a subtle aroma that he couldn’t quite place, but the combination was simply exquisite.

“Why'd we start here, though?” he asked. “Packaging is usually at the tail end of processing. Do you have another place that deals with the raw cherries? What about drying and roasting?”

Autumn smiled. “We do all of that here as well. We just needed a while to turn the heat down a bit so you don’t get heatstroke. Come on, I’ll show you!”

That made sense, he supposed. Why bother with keeping the temperature down around the ovens when everyone on site was fireproof?

Unfortunately, Autumn was forced to leave him when another employee came and whispered something urgently into her ear.

“Sorry, there’s something I have to deal with. Just follow this corridor and you will see the rest of the processes. I’ll be back soon!” said Autumn as she cantered off.

“Huh.” Keen sipped again and sighed wistfully.

Well, if he was free to explore as he pleased, he wasn’t going to complain.

The first room visible from the corridor was separated by one-way glass windows. About a dozen Kirin sat next to huge baskets filled to the brim with bright red coffee cherries, and they were idly conversing whilst munching away. Stuffing themselves silly, in fact. Some of their bellies were already quite round.

Keen blinked and shook his head as he continued along the corridor. Maybe they had some kind of employee benefits thingy where they were allowed to help themselves to part of the produce.

Or maybe he’d somehow managed to get lost.

Seriously, the next window showed what looked like a huge sauna filled with glowing charcoal like the world’s hottest ball pit. Dozens of Kirin lay on the infernal surface, either snoozing or casually reading from metal booklets as tongues of flame caressed their backs and bellies. Had he accidentally found a Kirin spa of sorts?

Keen tugged at his shirt’s collar as he carried on. Looking at all those big-bellied Kirin might’ve awakened something in him…

He took a fortifying slurp of coffee.

Mm… so good!

The next visible room was almost three storeys high. Massive drums slowly rotated in their housings, and he could hear the steady hum of giant fans and rattling beans.

Finally, something he recognised! This must be the drying section.

Keen then frowned when he noticed the cubicles built on platforms above the drums, connected to them by large pipes. A bloated Kirin hurriedly entered one cubicle just as another exited, and the previous occupant had a regular-sized belly and a blissful smile of utter relief as he trotted out of the room.

A pit opened up in Keen’s stomach as he finally recognised that subtle aroma.

“Hi there! Sorry for leaving you. Technical problems, am I right?” Autumn suddenly appeared by his side and grinned. “I see you’ve completed the tour on your own. How’d it go? Did we pass?”

Keen Sight trembled as he stared into his complimentary mug of coffee, then took one final gulp to savour the spicy, smoky aroma of partially-fermented beans which lifted his spirits even as his brain screamed in horror.

Stars above, give me the strength to do what must be done...

His pen quivered as he brought it to the clipboard, and the memory of yesterday’s debacle came back to him in stark clarity:

The FCA’s office door practically exploded as Greg burst in, grabbed the nearest pony by the collar with both paws and bellowed right in his face:

“Kirin beans are crap!”

Author's Note

Inspiration.

Even more inspiration.