An Interview with a Princess
Anon couldn't help it. He probably looked like some gap-jawed tourist, rubbernecking his way down the glittering halls of Canterlot castle. He had a few friends in high places, sure, but this was on a different level. He'd never met the ruling Diarchs, although they'd apparently been kept apprised of his progress in Equestria.
Like, Twilight sent them literal progress reports. The cute little nerd was very literal minded, which was a constant source of joy for him and trepidation for her. Cutest horse noises by far, ten out of ten would boop again.
They were tight, though. She was the reason this interview wasn't years in the making instead of a couple months. No one knew how to blast through the red tape of Royal Protocol like another Princess, right?
There'd been a condition, though. Anon was on a mission from God. Err, Demigoddess?
Luna confided in Twilight that she felt too far removed from the common pony. Between her title and long absence, and maybe the whole eternal night thing, but who even remembered that little speed bump? Anyway, Luna felt out of touch, and most ponies beheld her with a mixture of awe and fear. Apparently Luna wasn't a huge fan of those, which was kinda a bit of a one-eighty from a couple years ago, but Anon had long ago come to the conclusion that ponies were flighty creatures.
Twilight wanted Anon to help, by, ahem, humanizing Princess Luna in the eyes of the masses. Anon knew just how to do it, too. There were only a few things that everyone had in common. Eating was out, since the Royal Diet was probably not actually all that similar to the average pony.
He'd definitely touch on the whole carnivore rumor though, hopefully dispelling it if it was false, or at least playing it down if it was true. It also paired well with the main thrust of the article he was planning anyway.
Sleeping was kind out a no-go as well, with the whole Guardian of Dreams thing going on. He wasn't touching that can of worms with a ten foot pole.
That just left one thing, in his mind, and he was just the man to shed some light on the subject. Twilight wanted something that everypony could relate to, and there was no more common struggle.
Reinforcing the stereotype, Anon shot a few pictures of the high-ceilinged halls he was escorted through, priceless objets d'art smattered here and there on pedestals or hung between massive stained glass windows. Buckingham posh it was.
Eventually, Anon was led through an impressive set of navy blue doors into a dimly lit but comfortably appointed lounge.
"Have a seat, Mr. Anonymous. The Princess will be with you in due time. Unless, umm, you needed something beforehoof?"
Appears guard number one had noticed Anon's subtle expression. Or maybe the slight shuffling dance that he was putting on purely for their entertainment.
"Uh, yeah, I thought I was all set for this, but turns out I'm a bit more nervous than I thought. Could I... Freshen up somewhere?" Anon cracked an uncomfortable smile at the guard, receiving a commiserating one in return. The guard gestured to a doorway.
"Hardly the first time, Mr. Anonymous. Many po... People are intimidated by her Highness, but let me assure you that Princess Luna is a gentle Mistress of the Night. You have nothing to fear." Giving him a grateful smile, Anon hurried over to the doorway and went about his business.
He excited with a much relieved sigh, only to see the chaise lounge across from the armchair the guard had indicated now occupied by the object of his ambition. The regal head turned in his direction and an eyebrow arched as a whimsical smile played across her features.
"Mr. Anonymous, we presume. Come, sit, be comfortable. We will attempt to accommodate thee to the best of our abilities." She gestured to the armchair, and a hurrying Anon sketched a quick bow before pulling out a notepad and pen and settling down.
"Thank you so much on behalf of myself and the paper for agreeing to this interview, Princess Luna. I understand you're a very busy mare, and I'll try to make this quick." Luna waved her hoof in an off... Hoofed manner, scoffing lightly.
"Hardly, Mr. Anonymous. Our duties are light as of late. We must be eased back into things, as our sister points out oft enough. We are still recovering from our... Convalescence... And will be for some time to come." Anon nodded slowly, jotting a few things down.
"So, would it be fair to say that, while light now, your duties will be larger in the future? Grand, even?" Luna quirked an eyebrow again, but nodded in turn.
"A Princess' duty is hardly ever grand, but is oft a heavy burden. My sister has carried this weight alone for too long, and any ease we can offer her is the least we can do." Anon jotted a few more things down.
"Would you say that you're up to the task? Do your duties at the moment take a lot out of you?" Luna rubbed a hoof against her chin in thought for a moment.
"Although taxing, we take great satisfaction in dispatching even the meanest of our duties, and can only imagine this satisfaction will grow as they do." Anon smiled. This was going just swimmingly.
"Do tell, Princess Luna, do tell..."
* * *
Paper crinkled as a blue hoof ground the offending article into the table, accompanied by a lily white hoof pounding said table to the sound of choked laughter.
Luna ground her teeth as she scanned the article again, her sister's mirth only increasing the boiling in her veins.
The same picture of a navy blue commode graced the front page, the same words beneath it.
Everypony Poops
Tell-all Exposé Plumbing the Bowels of the Princess of the Night
Written by Anonymous
Author's Note
Yup, it's a poop joke. I cannot say I regret nothing.
