Criticism

by Eclipse

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 898

Pinkie gives Rainbow Dash a bit of criticism

After a party Rainbow Dash approaches Pinkie with a simple little story that she had written out of boredom. Pinkie takes it and tells Dash to leave for a while whilst she reads over it...

Published 2011-12-27 18:02:03 UTC
Last updated 2011-12-27 18:02:03 UTC

Criticism

Everypony was now leaving Sugarcube Corner after the party that Pinkie had just thrown them for Rainbow Dash’s birthday. The party had gone on for about an hour or two, one of the shortest parties that Pinkie had ever thrown, but everypony had left except a nervous looking Rainbow Dash. Pinkie was still partying, thinking that Rainbow was doing the same, but after a while she realized that her friend wasn’t partying anymore. Pinkie just smiled at the cyan pegasus as she went to turn off the record player and turn to her friend. “So, whadd’ya need Dashie?” Pinkie asked as Rainbow gave a sheepish smile and a light rosy blush.

“Well, I got bored one day and started writing down something, I’m no writer but I just kept going back to it and like, adding on to it.” Dash shrugged slightly and continued, “I’m not sure if it’s good or not, and there might be some like, issues and stuff wrong with it.” Dash finished as Pinkie Pie looked at her friend with a glimmer of interest. Pinkie looked at the medium-sized manuscript that Rainbow Dash had stowed away in her saddlebags that she laid in the corner before the party. “Here it is, there’s not a whole lot there being that I lost my flow after page, like, twenty-seven? Anyways, could you please read it and tell what you think about it?” Dash said as Pinkie smiled and took the manuscript in her hooves and looked at the front cover.

Pinkie read the cover, and even the title of the book practically screamed Rainbow Dash’s name. The Super Awesome Adventures of a Spectrum-Maned Heroine and a Major Nerd, the title read. Pinkie was, to say the least, intrigued by the title, she looked around on the cover once again and turned her gaze back to her friend. “Alright, I’ll take a look at it then. But I’m gonna have to ask you to leave Sugarcube Corner and not come back for maybe a day or two until I’ve read all of it.” Pinkie said as Rainbow Dash stared back at the pink mare who was still wearing her signature silly grin and nodded. Pinkie bounced with excitement, “Alllllright! I’ll get it back to you extra superrifically fast!” Pinkie then proceeded to start pushing Dash out of the door and immediately slammed it after she was outside.

Rainbow sat there staring in disbelief at what has just occurred, but she picked herself up and flew as swiftly as possible back to her home in the clouds.

Rainbow Dash waited countless days for a reply from Pinkie, but every time she’d gone to Sugarcube Corner, the Cakes would always reply that Pinkie hadn’t come out of her room since the party. The long countless time that Rainbow waited for that reply drove her crazy, all she really wanted was for Pinkie to tell her if her writing was good or not. But no, Rainbow Dash just continued to wait and try to check up on her friend every hour for the next two days. But finally after two whole days of waiting, she looked outside her door, and pinned to it was her manuscript and a neatly folded piece of paper. Rainbow Picked up the manuscript and the piece of paper and took them inside her home and sat the manuscript down on the table and started to carefully unfold the small piece of paper. Rainbow started reading over the small paper, it read;

Here, have yourself a friendly review!
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1) Okay, your vocabulary is at an all-time low throughout the entire story, even the ‘Nerd’s’ vocabulary is tragically skewed and not as vast as I think that it could and should be.
2) You repeated the word ‘like’ a total of 243 times throughout the story, you should really try using something else to convey the point.
3) You use too many onomatopoeic words like ‘Kaboom’, ‘Crash’, ‘Whoosh’, and ‘Bang’. You don’t need to use these as often as you did, as the plot should speak for itself.
4) You should really check your spelling; a common misspelling or yours is the word ‘conscious’ as you spelled as ‘constious’ and another is ‘destruction,’ which you spelled as ‘distrucshin’.
5) You have a slight problem with how you’re pacing the story; the story is all over the place and is kind of hard to follow what is initially going on.
6) You change tenses a couple times in the story, and you also changed perspectives when the plot didn’t call for it. You go from first person, to third person, and at times even to second person in most cases all in the same paragraph.
7) That brings us to the next criticism, most of your paragraphs are initially just a hurtful to read wall of text.
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Suggested fixes;

1) Try using connotation and synonyms of words instead of repeating the same word over and over again.
2) You should consider breaking down the walls of text into much smaller paragraphs that don’t hurt as much to read.

3) Always check your work for grammar errors, spelling errors, and issues with the pacing.

Rainbow Dash glared at the piece of paper and then crumpled it up and threw it into the corner. “A simple, ‘You could really make this better,’ would’ve worked…”