Outside, weather roared courtesy of a snoring pegasus. It wasn’t a busy day. Pinkie passed the time by cleaning the kitchen. Drizzle pattered against the window. Such a long day would-
Ding dong!
Lightning flashed in tandem with a magenta blur. Rain blew inside as the door opened. There stood Derpy, holding a beat up cardboard box and a clipboard. Before Derpy spoke, Pinkie scribbled, accepting despite no return address.
Boom!
Thunder crackled as the door closed. Pinkie marched to the living room and sat down, pondering the package’s potential prospects. She set the attached envelope aside. Secondly, the tape tore. Pinkie fished through the confetti abyss and touched something cold. It felt hairy and seemed to have-
“Eep! Woah!”
To her mutual delight and disgust, she pulled out a severed appendage. Pinkie held it aloft as if having extracted Excalibur from the stone. It appeared mummified, colored ink-red and black, with five outstretched digits. Pinkie identified it as a monkey’s paw.
Crinkle crinkle.
Pinkie opened the envelope and read the cut-and-paste letter.
Wish per finger
That is truth
To heart’s desire
But be beware-
“Boringgggggg!” She declared. “Let’s test it out!”
Tossing the letter elsewhere, Pinkie tapped her hoof on her chin. She had to make sure it was genuine. No margin for error could be. An idea quickly came that’d leave no doubt. The storm rumbled.
“I have my wish!” she bellowed. “Grant me an uncensored swear!”
The thumb closed on its own. Eyes wide, Pinkie took a deep breath.
“Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!”
Face beet red, Pinke haphazardly giggled as she gasped for air.
“Take that, MPAA!”
Having confirmed its powers, Pinkie switched to figuring out the best wish budget. After a few calculating moments, Gummy poked his head out of her frizzled mane and gazed at the hand. Pinkie stared at the alligator, who simply blinked, then looked back.
Burp.
In a flash, Gummy leaped and burst through the roof, growing dragon-sized. Flapping wings and screams could be heard in Ponyville. The roof burned to ashes. The alligator dissipated the rain and wind instantly. Shrugging, Pinkie noticed the pointer finger had curled.
“Awwww. Oh well.”
She stared at the paw, again tapping her chin. Figuring out the best way to throw an eternal party for everyone with one wish was tricky. Unable to think properly, she looked through the new scenic view. Mesmerizing magic blasts flew as a purple alicorn tried to ward a green giant away. The paw took her attention’s priority not too long later, though.
“Can this thing even talk?”
Silence.
Pinkie signed in annoyance.
“Second, er, third, wish. Stop using italicized onomatopoeia!”
The middle finger curled in compliance. Despite no physical change to the world, the effect was immediate and obvious.
Pinkie stooped into deep thought on utilizing her two remaining wishes. Birds chirped; the afternoon sun shone brightly; Canter Castle became a battleground; grass whistled in the breeze; there were no distractions. Yet the correct wish eluded her.
“Ughhhhh, I can’t think!”
It had to be perfect, or something would go awry. Hiring a lawyer would be boring. Twilight was too busy with an emergency to do magic contracting; concocting one herself was boring. If only she could talk-
A party cannon burst into Pinkie’s mind. It was movie time.
Pinkie raided her room for blankets. She threw them on the couch and reclining chair as popcorn cooked. To create optimal watching conditions, a tarp was hung. For the next two hours, Pinkie jotted down notes. She meticulously watched and studied Aladdin. The monkey paw sat recliner-bound.
Satisfied that she knew her next interim wish, Pinkie let light in again. Afternoon rays shone strongly. Pinkie carved symbols into the chair. Her muffin cutter spilled the fabric within. After putting it in the sink, she stood and spoke before the chair.
“I wish you free, Monkey Paw, with a body to act, and voice to speak!”
The ring finger folded inward. The whole hand twitched as if a concentrated earthquake. Perhaps unleashing the spirit residing inside was a bad idea. Even so, she knew a few ways to deal with that. Mostly it’d be a Twilight favor, but she shoved that aside as she bounced with glee.
A column of puffy purple smoke flared and then dissipated. In the recliner, attached to the paw, was a massive mandrill–blue cheeks, red nose, and all. Minus its paint-red hand with caved fingers, it was normal.
“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!” the party pony hopped over, almost in his face. “I need your help with my last wish!”
“Uh, hi.” The greeting was a stunt one. “My name is Iromu.”
“Great! Now you can talk to me!”
“I’ve no choice but to.” Iromu sat up straight and stroked his chin. “This is a first for me. And somehow, I cannot find a way to bend your wishes…”
“Hm, a weird way for wishes to work…. hmmm….. “ Pinkie began thinking again.
Sighing, Iromo decided to cut to the core. He wanted to take a walk.
“What is your desire?”
Pinkie snapped right up. “To make the best parties possible whenever I want!”
A clever, twisted idea came to Iromu’s mind. “Is that so? I know how.”
Radiant, eager nodding emitted.
“Then wish.”
“I wish!”
Iromu snapped with his left hand, pointed a finger at Pinkie, clicked his tongue, and shot a pink ray at her. Pinkie grew three sizes tall, and a horn and set of wings emerged. Glowing cotton candy hair automatically flowed. She gaped yet grinned in astonishment. Iromo’s pinkie finger folded in; his entire hand returned to normal.
“You are now the Princess of Chaos! Go host your parties!” Iromu smirked.
Balloons popped into existence as Pinkie flashed bright to teleport. Horns and canons sounded throughout Ponyville. Iromu stretched his right hand. This was the best wish ever made.
Just then, Discord popped into the house, angry beyond belief.
“Hm, yes?” Iromo gave a smug, all-knowing look.
Discord screamed at him. “Celestia damn it, Cousin Iromu!”
Author's Note
Hope you enjoyed what may be my strangest story yet conceived.
And a small huzzah to my fifth story.
