The first indication that life for Twilight was about to take a turn for the surreal was when she roused that fateful morning.
She was all ready to do the usual: hit the books, mercilessly berate Spike for any perceived misdemeanours and fulfil her royal duties to the best of her Princessly abilities. A true ‘mare of the ponies’, this one.
Alas though, her plans were in tatters the moment she opened her eyes to take in the full prestige of her sumptuous bedchamber. For instead of admiring the usual silken drapes lining the castle walls, the metallic suit of ceremonial armour to the left, a stone sculpture of her good self in a pensive mood to her right and a loyal reptilian advisor bustling in with a nice cup of tea…
There was straw. Everywhere, On the barren floor where she lay, in her ears, under her… hindquarters, and no ornate furnishings or comfortable trappings of luxury anywhere.
Have I been captured by some unknown enemy? Is this some kind of prison? And, ugh… where is that unpleasant stench coming from? Twilight fought the urge to retch as she got to her hooves to search for answers, noticing the door to her ‘cell’ was made of wood, and looked less-than-stable.
Huh. Is that all which stands between me and freedom? All it’ll take is one blast of magic and WHOOSH! That thing is sawdust. Thinking somewhat smugly to herself that the enemies of the realm would have to try harder if they wanted to overthrow the monarchy, she poised herself to deliver the simple spell which would inevitably blow the puny thing off its hinges…
W-What the? All thoughts of a quick retreat suddenly faded from Twilight’s mind, as she tried again without success to power up her horn. It appears I have underestimated the resourcefulness of my foe. Not only have I been kidnapped from Canterlot, I also seem to have been drained of my powers. Looks like escape is going to be harder than I thought. H-Hang on… are those…?
In answer to Twilight’s unfinished question, yes indeedy it was. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity… all in the equine flesh, and all in opposite open-plan cubicles to her. Twilight was about to ask them just what in the hay was going on here, and more to the point; if they could concoct a foolproof plan to get out of there together…
…When she noticed something rather strange, Wait a sec. They’re not behaving like themselves at all. Fluttershy looks angry, Applejack is half-asleep, Rainbow seems quite happy lying down, Pinkie Pie appears most unamused and Rarity just… well, now at least I know where that stink is coming from.
At the same time Twilight turned away to uncontrollably gag at her fashionista friend’s public defecation, two new creatures entered the ‘cell block’ to stare with interest at their six ‘prisoners’. They looked just the bipedal inhabitants of Canterlot High, minus the colourful skin and passable fashion sense.
“Ere, who do ya fancy for the big derby today?” One of them asked in a yokelish accent to his friend, whilst vigorously scratching himself in a most intimate location. “ ‘Fluttershy’ has the will, but no direction. ‘Applejack’ looks ready to drop. ‘Rainbow Dash’ seems fit for the knacker’s yard and 'Pinkie Pie'… well, there’s just no pleasing ‘er, is there?”
“Come on mate, don’t beat around the bush.” The younger male there interjected, sounding a smidgen more sophisticated. “We both know 'Twilight Sparkle' is gonna walk The Triple Crown. I mean, just look at her… she’s the total package. Wings to fly past her competitors, a longer horn to stab them if they get too close… and that’s to say nothing of her size advantage and perfect gait! Pity her odds are so good. Put ten quid on the old nag, get one pound back. Not what I’d call a king’s ransom, but better than nothing I suppose. Good enough for a few rounds at the boozer though, eh?”
“Excuse me?! I’d never use my horn to hurt anypony! I don’t need another crown either, never mind a ‘Triple’ one! And how dare you call me an ‘old nag’! I may outlive the rest of my friends eventually, but I’ll deal with that problem later! Now if you don’t mind, I’d like for you to explain to me how we got here, what your purposes are in holding us, what you did with my magic and why you’ve lobotomised five of my closest…”
It was at this point the men stopped admiring the ponies in front of them, to look at each other with concern. “Say, what d’ya think the matter with her is? I’ve never heard a horse look so distressed before a big race…” the older man began panicking, thinking about the small sum of twenty smackers he stood to lose if his stake went tits-up. “Here, give her that feedbag, mate. A few oats will calm her down so we can claim our prize. I hope so, anyway.”
Hey what do think you’re… I’m not hungry, and… actually, these aren't half bad. *much munch* All thoughts of crossing the language barrier and galloping away left Twilight’s head as she sampled them sweet, sweet cereal grains.
She was so lost in Flavour Country, she didn’t even hear a bell ring, or object to being led out to a long grassy track along with her other ‘friends’ (now rivals), or be mounted by a shortish chap wearing jodhpurs… until it was much, much too late.
On your marks… get set, go!!
*****************
Twilight rose from her slumbers, this time in her usual spot; all sweaty, shaky and shouty. “I’ve just had the most terrible dream, Spike…”
“What’s that? The one where you’re forced to watch Celestia perform a solo tour of Hinny Of The Hills, while being force-fed multiple quesadillas again?”
“No, even worse… I tripped on a clod of dirt, and only finished in third place!”
Author's Note
Another 1k wonder one-shot ... but my last for now.
Time to head back to my chapter fics, don't want to leave the people waiting for updates in the lurch. They have been known to riot... 
Thanks for reading anyway, and hope it gave you a few laughs. 
