So Cheesy...

by SpoonierThanThou

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Royal Guard, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1007

A pony has an urgent message for Princess Twilight. But first, he must finish his quesadilla.

A royal servant sees a rogue group of dragons setting up camp near Canterlot and must tell Twilight. The issue: he couldn't resist grabbing a quesadilla for later that day, and the guards won't let him into the throne room until it is no longer in his hooves.

Attempt at comedy to break up the rather heavy story I'm writing now. Figured I may as well try my hooves at something a bit out of my comfort zone and actually get a proper little something out there. Made for the second Thousand Words Contest in the comedy category.

Thanks to danatron1 for pre-reading!

Era: Post season 9

Published 2023-06-27 20:20:00 UTC
Last updated 2023-06-27 20:20:00 UTC

The Tragic Death of Sir Cheeserific

Out of breath, I skidded to a stop in front of the throne room.

"I need to see Princess Twilight! There is great danger outside Canterlot!"

The guards opened my saddlebags and rummaged through quickly, intending to make my entry as quick as possible. I ran the situation through my head. I wanted to ensure I would not slip up while warning the princess of the rogue band of dragon defectors poised to attack.

The guard on the left froze and tilted his head. "Oh, sorry buddy, we can't let you inside."

"What do you mean you can't let me inside? This is a matter of Canterlot's security!"

"Quesadillas are not allowed in the throne room. Princess' orders."

"I-" I froze.

That's right.

I'd bought a quesadilla for later.

The exact food the princess was deathly afraid of.

"Oh, come on!" I shoved the box towards the guard who had spotted it. "Here, you hold onto it. I'll go talk to the princess and-"

"No can do. Princess doesn't want us holding onto quesadillas"

"Thanks for-" My brain processed what the guard said. "Wait, what?"

"She thinks if we hold onto quesadillas they'll trap us in their gooey cheese and melt us into em." The guard handed the take-out box back. "Morbid stuff."

"But... but surely you know that's not going to happen, right?"

"Sorry buddy. Princess' orders."

I grumbled impatiently. "Okay, so what do I do with this?"

"You gotta dispose of it properly. First, you have to invoke the power of the Avatar of Harmony, and use that power to summon a sacred flame. Then, you must sear the outer layer with the flame to seal the evil cheese within. Finally, you must purge the cheese of its sinister will by dousing it in water from the Harmonizing Heights of Mount Eris. Then, dispose of it in one of the specialized-"

"Okay, no way am I doing that. Isn't there another way?" I could feel the dragons drawing nearer by the second.

"Well, uh... I suppose you could just eat it."

"Why didn't you start with that?" My patience was nonexistent as I opened the box and-

Oh no.

"I... have to eat all this?" Inside the box was not one, not two, but three entire quesadillas. They had a deal at the place and I had gravely underestimated just how much food three quesadillas were.

"Princess' orders-"

"Yeah, yeah, just give me a minute." I picked up the quesadilla on top. It was heavy, rich, and oozing with cheese. I held my breath for several seconds.

I must do this.

For Equestria.

The three quesadillas stood opposite of me, my adversaries who I must fight through to save all of Equestria. I stood strong and licked my lips, letting them know I was no pushover. They would find their way inside my mouth, down into my stomach, whether they liked it or not. I bellowed a war cry and took a massive bite out of the one closest to me. It squirmed as the cheese oozed into my mouth and-

"You alright there?"

The two guards looked at me with concerned expressions as I stood awkwardly, a quesadilla dangling limply from my mouth. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," my muffled voice spoke from behind a wall of tortilla and cheese. I finished taking the bite out of the quesadilla. The bite felt so big in my mouth, but looked so small on the quesadilla. I stood in silence, chewing, chewing, swallowing, chewing, chewing, swallowing...

The silence intensified as the guards exchanged awkward glances. The only sound was me wolfing down food. Ugh, what a place to eat, I must be getting crumbs everywhere, too.

One quesadilla was gone an eternity later. I caught my breath. The guards stood firm, but were trying to hide smiles. No, this in no time to be thinking about that. This is no time to be stopping and smelling the flowers. Equestria depends on me.

And I must eat.

Valiantly I took on the second quesadilla, ripping into it with my vicious teeth. It stood no chance against my attack. It yielded just long enough for me to stuff a second bite in my mouth, and a third, and a fourth, and a-

Snort

The two guards failed to hold in their giggles as I realized how puffed up my cheeks were.

Oh... how was I going to swallow this?

I tried shoving the food over to one side, making me resemble a hamster as I tried to swallow half a quesadilla bit by bit. It took long, way too long, for me to recover from the second quesadilla's clever attack. Well played.

I shall finish off your second half more vigilantly.

I tore into the remaining half of the quesadilla, this time more slowly and methodically, ensuring I didn't repeat my mistakes. Why did it take so long to chew? Every bite felt minutes apart. My adversaries had a way for wasting my time.

Finally, two of the quesadillas sat defeated in my stomach.

Very heavily.

I groaned. My body warned me against taking on the third quesadilla. The first two felt like a lead weight inside me.

But I cannot let that stop me.

I engaged the third quesadilla, but this one had a way of fighting back.

I took one bite, and it punched me in the gut.

Another, it felt like it had poisoned me. The nausea started to set in.

Another, and it felt like it was trying to push with its fallen brothers out of my body.

Another... and more pain... and another... and more pain...

I'd finished the third quesadilla.

The mass inside of me had become a singularity, sapping me of any vitality I'd had earlier.

I'd emerged victorious from the battle, but only barely.

The guards, looking quite impressed, stepped aside to allow me in. I sluggishly dragged myself inside.

"Princess, there's danger! there's-"

"Oh, the rogue dragons? Spike already told me about them."